How many of you believe his mother ruined HIM?

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#1 Nov 30 - 7PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

How many of you believe his mother ruined HIM?

Raise your hands, I am looking for a count! I firmly believe his mothers smothering, doting on him ,gave him no real identity or sturdy sense of self, with empathy and caring of others as well as himself, that he was a good, decent young boy who would do fine going forth into the world... would also like to know of any good articles dealing with mothers and their sons and the importance of the young boy making the break from his mother at a crucial time of development. I do not know why but this topic fascinates me, Thanks all..............

Dec 1 - 1PM
chickon2
chickon2's picture

Raising my hand.. Waving .......

I feel like my EXN has a weird bond with his mom, and she is off her rocker, and he is rocking to the same beat. I was given this, and thought, man this is him.. MEM=Mother-Enmeshed Men In his unconscious – and sometimes conscious – mind, a mother-enmeshed man is representing his mother’s interests, while his own have become secondary. If he does something he thinks she wouldn’t like, he feels disloyal to her. If he "gets serious" about a woman, suddenly, without understanding why, he is overwhelmed with feelings of fear, anxiety, and guilt. Ambivalence and withdrawal inevitably follow. * When a MEM Wants a Wife When a man is excessively bonded with his mother, what happens when he is looking for a wife? There are several common patterns; Sonny's story is one of the most common. He meets Anne, and initially he idealizes her. He cherishes her. He sweeps her off her feet. In this initial stage of courting, he is projecting onto Anne the very solicitous way he had learned to deal with his mother when he was a little boy. Then he discovers (unconsciously; he doesn't realize what is happening) that this new woman is competition for his mother, and the woman's got to go. Anne was once the object of his adoration. Now she becomes an object for his rejection. Naturally, she is devastated and confused. If she fights back by asking for clarity and commitment, he feels he's being pressured to be disloyal to his mother. Like a planet caught between two suns, the pull of his mother keeps him from getting close to Anne, while the pull of Anne is constant. In the specific case of a MEM, the remnants of the guilty bond to his mother can be so powerful that the man is frozen in the past, whether he talks to his mother every day or not for decades. He thinks he wants a loving wife, children, the optimism and labor of family life. But the anxiety he feels when he gets close to achieving this goal shuts him down. He cannot commit. He cannot leave. He is stuck. Or he moves on to the next woman, convinced it is his current girlfriend, and not his own ghosts, that is the problem. He might imagine that he longs for "the perfect woman," but every time he finds her, she becomes "not perfect." He loses interest, and he wants somebody else he can imagine will be perfect. The pattern is often cyclical: seeking the perfect partner, idealizing the women he finds, dealing with disillusionment, struggling with commitment, seeking a new partner, and so on. This repetitive pattern is a reflection and consequence of the story of his relationship with his mother. He idealized her and felt the exhilarating wonderment of being so special. He also felt guilty and angry and wanted distance from her. However, she would not permit him to express these feelings, and he learned to bury them. Instead, all these "forgotten" feelings -- the guilt, the anger, the desire for distance -- come up from his unconscious, when, as an adult, he gets too close to a woman. The enmeshed relationship with his mother was not his choice. It was forced on him by the overwhelming circumstance of being a very little boy with a very needy mother. Despite the thrill and pleasure, he also knows at some level that she has smothered his autonomy. All of the anger and disappointment that he contained then is projected onto his partner now, and his attraction to her is tempered by an unconscious avoidance of getting too close. He becomes ambivalent. If nothing changes, he will never experience the full masculine pride of making his own choices, of having his own wife, of fathering his own children. in J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy there is a character called Grima Wormtongue. Wormtongue is an advisor to the king of Rohan who is constantly pumping the king full of verbal toxins, keeping the king weak and looking aged beyond his years. When Wormtongue is finally exposed for the controlling, venomous leach he is, the king is released from a state of zombie-like submission. He is restored to his natural state and stands boldly as the fearless warrior he truly is. While pondering the causes of relationship dysfunction recently, I was struck by the disturbing realization that many men who treat their partners poorly have inappropriate relationships with their mothers. Furthermore, it occurred to me that, in a majority of examples I could think of, these men had mothers who spoiled them and took every opportunity to be involved in their lives. Because they have never known anything else, these men regard their mothers’ behavior as normal. In a country where fathers are largely absent due to passivity, personal choice, or work commitments, mothers are often the primary influences in their sons’ lives. While some mothers lovingly raise their sons and set them free into the world as functional adults, others become permanently entrenched in their sons’ lives, refusing to let go of them when they reach adulthood. Instead of becoming full-fledged men who are prepared to attract and maintain healthy, committed relationships, men whose mothers never cut the apron strings may exist as perpetual adolescents. They may never fully develop the emotional skills necessary to have productive, adult partnerships. Their mothers’ Grima Wormtongue-like control, however well-intentioned, may have set them up for a lifetime of hell and heartache. In Kenneth Adams and Alexander Morgan’s book When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, the authors point out that, “There is a universe of difference between a mother who loves her son dearly and a mother who makes her son the primary focus of her passion and preoccupation in an attempt to compensate for her own emptiness.” Adams and Morgan note that such “mother-enmeshed men” frequently become involved in sex and/or relationships quickly, have trouble being faithful in relationships, or stay in a relationship for awhile without following through on an expressed commitment. These men often experience sexual dysfunction, direct their anger and dissatisfaction with life at their partner, have a long history of being people pleasers, and have difficulty standing up for themselves. The problems caused by overly involved mothers can manifest in a variety of ways, but at the root of these problems is a concept Adams and Morgan call The Disloyalty Bind. They say that men who are too close to their mothers unconsciously, and sometimes consciously, make their mother’s interests first and foremost in their lives. These men are always concerned with pleasing their mothers whether they realize it or not, and so when they have trouble committing or have relationship problems, they push away their partner instead of their mother. Adams and Morgan assert that a man distancing himself from his mother causes him too much anxiety and guilt. Some men would rather destroy a relationship that is good for them than stand up to the omnipresent female power that gave birth to them. An overly involved and controlling mother will not put up with being backed off or having boundaries put in place, so some men do the right thing to the wrong woman. They project their mommy issues onto their wife or girlfriend, forcing them to distance themselves or even to leave. Wives and girlfriends become surrogate mothers in that they get blamed for all manner of evils, from being control freaks to not wanting what’s best for their man, when they’re not the actual guilty parties at all. When a mother makes her son a stand-in for his father (which frequently happens to eldest sons), lavishes attention and privileges on her son to keep his favor, or maintains a constant presence in his life without respect for his autonomy, she has, in a way, castrated her son. She has not taught him to have proper boundaries with other people and he may have grown up to find himself attracted to other controlling women. He may have difficulty saying no to sex or no to relationships that are bad for him. Having a mother so tightly woven into the fabric of his life may well have kept him from maturing emotionally, especially if a mother always strokes her son’s ego and tells him he’s never wrong. As a result, he may not be able to function in a partnership or solve problems as a team, because doing so requires objective listening and conflict management skills. Such a man may not be willing to admit that he is wrong, because he can always count on mom to tell him that he’s just fine. Unfortunately this may not just predispose men to bad choices and relationship problems, but also their children after them. A man who is concerned with his mother’s approval and whose lifestyle is a result of that will likely raise children who don’t know how to maintain boundaries themselves. Children are little sponges who learn from their parents’ behavior, and parents who live to please others will probably raise children who do the same. These behaviors can persist for generations. Unless a mother-enmeshed man seeks help and learns how to have proper boundaries with his mother, he is unlikely to ever have a successful, lasting relationship.The only way that could happen is if he finds a doormat that is willing to go along with what his mother wants. Sadly, I know of situations in which wives placate their domineering mother-in-laws to preserve their relationships with their spouses. But that is a miserable way to live, and it completely denies wives the autonomy and intimacy that they are supposed to have with their husbands. Mother-enmeshed men who are supposedly in committed relationships may seek out soothing, mother-like voices that stroke their egos to supplement what their mothers do. If they don’t feel like they’re getting validation from their partners, they may be quick to turn to female friends or lovers who give them the same assurances that they’re doing nothing wrong. Real relationships are going to have challenges and issues to work through, but mother-enmeshed men may run to those reassuring voices instead of engaging in mutual problem-solving with their partners. They flee from reality. Some overly involved, controlling mothers disguise their intrusions by being generous, helpful, or sacrificial to excess. Not all such mothers exhibit obvious mafia don-like behavior or bark orders. Their need to fill their own emptiness or feel important by maintaining a strong presence can be masked by an exuberant “benevolence.” Look deeper, though, and you may find that these same women expect a significant degree of loyalty and amount of attention in return. These mothers will make it clear that they come before their sons’ wives or girlfriends. Breaks, holidays, and vacations should be spent with them even if that means their sons’ spouses get left behind. They call frequently or expect calls at set times, and they remind their sons’ spouses that their families already have set ways of doing things. They don’t hesitate to trivialize or look down upon their daughter-in-law’s family and their commitments. Such mothers will seize upon problems in their sons’ relationships and use those issues to drive their sons’ partners away to maintain their control. They will ridicule the sons’ means of getting help for himself or his relationship, such as counseling or support groups, instead reinforcing the belief that he’s doing nothing wrong. Some of these women are so desperate to keep their position in their sons’ lives when he forges a commitment with a woman that they will lie, cheat, and steal to preserve their “throne.” Whether they realize it or not, their actions show that in their world, life is all about them. They do not back off and let other women take their rightful place. This is not love, this is slavery. Women who should be finding their worth, companionship, and self-esteem elsewhere latch onto their sons like vampires, draining their very life from them. They keep their sons from being whole people and living the life that God intends them to have. God has been very specific about what happens to a man when he grows up—“a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). But some mothers never cut the apron strings, and have conditioned their sons to cling to them instead. Many men realize that they live with a horrifying degree of guilt and anxiety, but don’t know why. They may feel that they’re always going to fail, or they may feel that women are always out to control them. They may embark on a near-perfect relationship and then hack that relationship off like a diseased limb later when the mysterious guilt and anxiety overtakes them. They may hate their wife or girlfriend for things she hasn’t even done, and accuse her of the very things that their mother is actually doing, without realizing that their mother is the root cause. Some mother-enmeshed men function under an illusion of self-sacrifice. Adams and Morgan have noticed that many mother-enmeshed men work in caretaking or heroic professions in which they are people rescuers or people pleasers. These characteristics may stem from their having to continually rescue or please their mothers. The self-sacrifice they display in their work is reflective of what they have always done for their mother’s sake, forfeit part of themselves to gain the admiration or approval of others. This self-sacrifice can occur when mother-enmeshed men break off relationships. They may forego having a serious relationship for a number of reasons, including “for their kids’ sake”. They may engage in casual relationships that no one else has to know about. By doing so, they keep their relationships off of their mother or other controlling women’s radar screens, placating them and “keeping the peace” by sacrificing their own desires. While that may appear noble on the surface, no man should live in bondage to his mother or anyone else. If a man has to water down or hide his desire for companionship to avoid the wrath of other women in his life, there is something terribly wrong with that. Men, if anything I’ve said bothers you or touches a nerve, please see a therapist or talk to a minister before you tell me that I’m wrong. I am extremely concerned about the number of men who put themselves, their mothers, or other women besides their partners above their partners. No other woman should come before her. She should be number one in your life, and never blamed for the wrongs inflicted on you by other women. If men won’t cut loose from the chains their mothers bind them with for their partner’s sake, then they should do it for their own sake or for their children’s sake. Having an overly involved mother is keeping all of you from becoming the people you were born to be. It prevents you from becoming autonomous adults with the ability to form healthy, joy-filled relationships. You should be living in freedom, constantly learning and growing. Maintaining inappropriate attachments to your mother will keep you depressed, angry, submissive, anxious, guilt-ridden, and possibly even impotent. You were created for so much more than that. I find it very distressing to think that millions of men may spend their entire 85-plus years living milquetoast, mediocre lives caused by their hurting or narcissistic mothers’ ideals. Thankfully millions of women have raised emotionally healthy men with a strong sense of individuality, and have remained a powerful source of love and support for those men their whole lives. But how many more have dominated their son’s existence and kept him unnaturally focused on them? Moms, love your sons, be close to your sons, and be there for your sons, but do not impede their God-given mission to live adventurously, love passionately, and accomplish feats that no one before them or after them can. When they grow up and you refuse to let go, you are stifling their masculinity, their maturity, and their marriages. Please love them enough to let them be who God wants them to be, not who you want them to be. They—and their women and children– deserve no less.
Dec 2 - 5PM (Reply to #29)
Anne_
Anne_'s picture

his mother totally spoiled him to death

his mother is a very submissive woman who doesn't have character at all. He is her golden boy. He cannot do anything wrong. My xN has an illegitimate child, of which even his brothers don't know about. His mother just thinks its "bad luck" that this has happened (yeah right, like you accidently knock a girl up :-)). When the mother of his child called to my xN mother, after the child was born, to say that the grandparents were welcome to visit her and the baby (he wasn't with her when she gave birth), my xN's mother just said 'couldn't you have considered for an abortion?'. When she makes food, and my xN doesn't like it, he just pushes it away and she will make something else. She dedicates her life to make him happy. He is obviously her favorite, he gets way more from her than his brothers. When my xN was born, she suffered from a severe post partum depression, which was never treated. I think she just wants to make it up to him that she didn't want him during the first couple of months, and she neglected him. his father is just as big a Narc as he is. It's not all his mother's fault :-).
Dec 1 - 10PM (Reply to #28)
Jean
Jean's picture

such a sad thing

The narc in my life (at my workplace) is very, very close to his mother. I don't know the Narc well but he had complained to me once about his mom's husband (he is 54, mom & "stepdad" in their 80s) and I thought it was weird he couldn't be more mature about this stepfather figure. I mean, wouldn't you want your 80-something mom to be happy finding a man at that age? I can understand a little kid jealous of a stepparent, but at his age? It's so amazing that someone can be a professional with all sorts of degrees and travel around and be in a position of responsibility yet be too afraid of his mom to get into/stay in a decent relationship. And, talk about a people pleaser! Oy!! Great article - thanks!
Dec 1 - 6PM (Reply to #27)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Wow! This is article is

Wow! This is article is fantastic. It very much describes xnh and his mother. Thank you so much for posting it.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 1 - 1PM (Reply to #24)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

for chickon!!!!

thanks so much for giving me this article, is is just what I need and suspected all along, if only he knew how his mother did him in , that and probably genetics, because his brother 17 years older, came out fine, she did not smothered him, the way the EXNarc was handled plus she was narcissistic early on as well, but later change in her later years. She must of had the world revolve around her baby boy, that is a tragedy, I always felt like he never knew who he really is, using his anger and rage to control and justify everything in his mind. and keep people in their place from finding out who he really is, an empty, shell of a man.
Dec 2 - 11AM (Reply to #25)
chickon2
chickon2's picture

This is a great book..

http://www.sexualhealth-addiction.com/template.php?pid=121 When he's married to mom. The author said that most mother enmeshed men are have either personality disorder or narc personality disorder.. niice.
Dec 2 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

hi chickon!!!!

Just called my branch library to get the book when it comes in, thanks for the great article and will let you know what i think of the book.I think mine has a narc personality disorder and would bet my last dollar,!!!
Dec 1 - 12PM
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

Yes!!

His biological mother (raised him till about 12) was very neglectful and abusive, in my opinion (however, if you'd ask him she is just an ANGEL). I really think it is part nature / part nurture. I think he is predisposed to act the way he is and maybe if he had been raised in a different environment then he would be different, but she influenced him as a young child and made him the way he is.
Dec 1 - 12PM
Godhasaplanforme
Godhasaplanforme's picture

sometimes i feel he came

sometimes i feel he came into this world ruined, his mother exaggerated the devilish side or maybe encouraged it..
Dec 1 - 1AM
M
M's picture

He still called her

"Mommy" at 36 years old. she co-signed a credit card with him after bankruptcy with first wife. She's doing it again for her now 47 year old son after he divorced me & filed for bankruptcy. Whenever we visit his folks, she created the schedule around him--I heard both his sisters complain about it. She would send him filets while he was in college. She would bring cured meats for him when she visited. Once she brought a frozen rabbit on the plane so she could cook his favorite meal here. (This was before 9-11) Then she would say, "I can't figure out why he's not successful."
Nov 30 - 10PM
dihann
dihann's picture

Mommy Dearest

Hi: I dated my narc for 9 years. In the beginning he told me 'I am close to my mom.' He wasn't kidding. He had his own flexible schedule, so he had lunch about 3x a week, and had dinner and stayed overnight at his childhood home once a week so 'she wouldn't be lonely.' We lived about 45 minutes from each other so we spent alternate weekends at each others places. I would arrive Saturday evening, sometimes she would call, but always on Sunday morning. We used to have to go out with her on Sunday mornings, but I but an end to that. Geez, didn't she see him enough during the week. I got to see him midweek for lunch, lucky me. Too much! I call and see my mother once a week. Isn't that enough? He also has never been married and he was in his late 40's at the time. The incident that should of sent me running was when we first began dating, I still had my son at home and he would get late phone calls which would wake me up. I shut the phone off one Friday night for some peace and quiet. Next time I saw his mother, I think a couple weeks later, she rather tersely questioned as to my whereabouts that night. Seems sonny boy was upset he couldn't reach me. Unbelievable what a warped reality these people live in. Glad I am finally outta there.
Nov 30 - 10PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

The nut does not fall far

The nut does not fall far from the tree :P Did my Narc get "ruined" by the excuse for parenting he got from his mother? Did she make him a Narc? I am not convinced. The Narc's father is a blazing Narc himself, but he did not raise my exN, was not involved in his life until exN was back home from the Navy at age 22. I'm sure that there are parents who make major contributions. Especially the doting baby-can-do-no-wrong types (Scott Peterson's mother, Casey Anthony's mother). Seems to me like that kind of parenting is more Narcogenic than horrid abuse, but that's just my opinion.
Nov 30 - 11PM (Reply to #18)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Briseis

My thoughts exactly.. Darn, right down to returning from the Navy at 22? Holy crap? Eh, Ehm..Maybe it was the NAVY? lol I really think his genetics and his parents.. So sad..
Nov 30 - 10PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Old Lady

Pretty sure mine sleeps with his old lady.
Dec 1 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

That's pretty close to true

That's pretty close to true with my first xnh's mother. Yes, I'm apparently a slow learner, and I had TWO xnh's. I got really tired of hearing, "My mom does this better than you. My mom does that better than you." It was constant. Whatever I did, Mommy did better. I finally blew a gasket, and asked him, "So does Mommy f*ck you better, too?" He got pissed off, but it felt really GOOD to say it. When we divorced, I called his mommy on the phone, and told her she could just keep him. I don't want him. To quote one of my friends, "He wasn't 'titty broke' anyway." lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 1 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

LOL

LOL
Nov 30 - 9PM
I don t get it ...
I don t get it I just don t's picture

Mother

I know very little about his family dynamics. I do know that he told me something very strange. It was strange because the very first time I met him, he told me, "I hate my mother." Who says that when they don't even know someone??
Nov 30 - 9PM
truetotruth
truetotruth's picture

Mommy

My ex was obseesed with his mother. Everyday he had to phone her because if he didn't she might become ill with worry about him. It really took its toll. He lied to his mom as much as he lied to me though. For the first few years i didnt put it together he would swear on her life for things because I knew how important she was to him. Then I found out that each time he swore on her life he was lying..So its a bit confusing. he worshipped her and lied to her all at the same time. it makes me sick to think about it. his mom seemed very manipulative so at least I know where that part comes from....but thats about it. All I knew was that at some point i thought it was great that he had so much love for his mother and it changed to the point where I thought it was very unhealthy. He was 32 for lord sakes.
Nov 30 - 9PM
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

I blame her about 60%

no child should be abused or not shown love. I knew she was toxic in how she treated my son better than my daughter. I spent a long time over compensating my babygirl. When we were on our way out and having some last minute conversations about us not working out, he mentioned how he would always say sorry to me-because his mother never did when she hit him with objects!! not that that is any excuse for how he behaved as an abusive husband, or that it makes it ok, but if you can actually say that but not get help... how does that make sense? well, I will never know. I didnt want to stick around any longer or waste anymore of my life on him. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Nov 30 - 9PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I'm raising my hand about

I'm raising my hand about this, and waving it really high in the air! That would by xnh. Personally, I think xnh's narc mother is the reason xnh lives in Narcland today. He was her first born "golden boy". The story that both xnh and his narc mother have told me is that xnh had cystic fibrosis starting when he was an infant. Xnh spent a large part of his early childhood in an oxygen tent with mommy constantly at his side. He was the center of her world. Xnh wasn't expected to live. Okay, I can truly understand her wish to spend lots of time with her possibly dying child. The part I DON'T understand is that she also had another son that is a year younger than xnh. He was NOT the focus of her attention at all. Mommy was always just too "busy" doting on xnh to bother with the younger brother. To this day xnh's mother talks about what a pain in the a$$ this brother has always been to her. Xnh's mother was a very heavy drinker and also smoked like a chimney. Xnh's younger brother was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, and I'm guessing that narc xmil's heavy smoking probably wasn't particularly good for xnh's cystic fibrosis either. From what they've told me, when xnh was eleven years old, his cystic fibrosis somehow just magically disappeared, and xnh just became a "healthy" kid. Xnh's younger brother still has continual health problems stemming from the fetal alcohol syndrome. Xnh's mother tells everyone, in no uncertain terms, that xnh will ALWAYS be her "favorite" child. In her world, xnh can do no wrong, and his poop just doesn't stink (I'll, personally, attest that it does - lol). The younger brother is still referred to as a pain in the a$$. The really disturbing part of all this to me is that xnh has repeated his mother's pattern of gross favoritism. He has two daughters. His oldest P daughter is xnh's very obvious favorite. The youngest daughter has spent her entire life being kicked to the curb for the benefit of the P daughter (much like xnh's younger brother). So yes, I also think that the abnormal parent/child bond is instrumental in forming a narc. If you're interested reading about narcs and their relationships, I've recently read two really great books that do a very good job explaining the bonds between a narc and their parent. They are: Freeing Yourself From The Narcissist In Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi. Why Is It Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 1 - 6AM (Reply to #10)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

mystwoman

Loved the book by Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi, it is one of the best, will check on the other one you mentioned, thanks for the tips.
Nov 30 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
alwazbuzy
alwazbuzy's picture

xnh's Cystic Fibrosis

I would be very suspicious about that whole story. Cystic Fibrosis NEVER disappears. A person is born with it and there is no cure.
Nov 30 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I know. I looked up

I know. I looked up information about cystic fibrosis when they told the story to me. It's among the many things that they've told me that I take with a grain of salt. lol. Face it, they're both narcs. Narcs frequently lie when the truth would fit better. "Forget the boots, and raise your hand to save the watch! The crap's getting really deep in here!" certainly fits when applied to xnh and his mother. rofl.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 30 - 7PM
StillHurting
StillHurting's picture

Did't hear enough about her to know....

He didn't say much about her, but I know his father had some sort of disdain for him, or at least he felt that he never measured up to his dad's expectations and the dad would like his sister's boyfriends and praise them more than he did the Narc, or at least that is what the Narc felt like. I did not have a good childhood, but I don't use and abuse people and slam the phone in their face, etc. I know it has an effect on how a person develops, but we can overcome some if as adults, right?
Nov 30 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

stillhurting

i like to think that with the right therapy and self awareness we can overcome anything, but how many people with a personality disorder ever do either of those two things, they are right, remember?
Nov 30 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

the problem is...

you must first recognize that there is something to overcome. The Narcs never get to that point.
Nov 30 - 7PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Daddy's Boy

I once joked how the ex-Psych professor must've sprung from his father's head fully grown like the goddess Athena, who sprung from Zeus' head, because he was so much against sex as the "ultimate crime, because it creates more sufferers" and he spoke reverently of his father, but his mother was mostly non-existent. He didn't like the joke. He worshipped the ground his father walked on... he went to college at the university where his father was a professor. His father IS famous and accomplished. He's not. It's like when he had his parents move in with him to raise his twins, he was getting the ultimate Oedipal revenge, since his father had to sacrifice his professorship and his research. As my friend said at the time "His parents and his girlfriend made sacrifices. He didn't."
Nov 30 - 7PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

In my case

I believe both of his mothers did. The birth mother and his adoptive mother. I truly believe that alot of his Narcness is rooted in his adoption. I didnt know his adoptive mother all that well they moved away not long after we began dating but there was a coldness about her and I dont think she cared for me. His parents were older but I know there was some kinda weirdness with her. When I told him I was pregnant his first response was how his mother was gonna react. Now that I think about it what a strange response.
Nov 30 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Hand Waving

Oh Hell Yes, his mother ruined him. From her doting and suffocating to downright neglect, and everything in between, including ignoring a serious infection he had at age five. She is a total N herself and will never let her boys go. They are emotionally crippled creeps.