Is it fact, they will devalue and discard everyone who comes into their lives anyone care to answer

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Nov 10 - 10AM (Reply to #40)
betty2020
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Not possible Jaycee. Their

Not possible Jaycee. Their perception of acceptable "standards" change daily. In other words; you may possess all the perfect qualities that fill their needs at this moment, but tomorrow your lacking in areas that need attention to them. example: Madonna Whore Complex, When you first met them you were the sex kitten that filled all their desires, in time however, this vision was changed into seeing you as a nun or motherly figure. Now you are worthless to fill their sexual desires and therefore rendered useless to them overall. They are never satisfied nor content. No human on the face of this earth possess the power to be all god like and fill all desires for one individual. You could never do this for him because you are human. The bigger question is why would you want too? Do you have a voice, a heart, a soul that deserves equal attention? Or were you put here to satisfy the needs of the selfish? Nothing ever goes their way permanently because their needs and desires change daily. This is the way they are built and remain this way till they die. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 11 - 12AM (Reply to #41)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Standards

I can't believe how much these guys are all alike. When my D&D started after 22 years, I asked the N why he was being so hard on me and harsh when he was easy on everyone else in the company (at least to their face. Charm to their face, destroyed them behind their backs!). His response "I have higher standards for you!" Wow - as if he was God. And forget the fact that he had told me many times that I'm the best person he ever worked with. But it changed overnight. He decided to raise the bar. And when I acheived that level, he raised the bar again. Until I was outperforming him and started making him feel a bit uneasy that I might be stealing his thunder and then the games and silent treatment REALLY started! You can NEVER win!
Nov 10 - 10AM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Yes. Always.
Nov 10 - 6PM (Reply to #35)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

LMFAO Blueeyes!

OMG! I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING! I mean no disrespect for the seriousness of your question jaycee. Blueeyes said it so plain & simple about what they are made of. It just hit my funny bone. If you don't mind I have a few others we can use... Is a frog's ass water tight? Do chickens have lips? I have a few others but they escape right now. And jaycee they don't ever change. Not for you not for me not for anyone. They use the same lines(from songs, movies, wherever) on every one they meet. they are thee fakest people on earth. But you are true. Always keep that close.
Nov 13 - 7AM (Reply to #36)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

faithinthefuture

I didn't mean to disrespect the question, and your right I was being plain and simple by using an analogy. Plus, I have been quite angry. Lol. Does a whore sweat in church? Yep. These men are so complex that sometimes I stopped wondering why, how ect... It doesn't matter anymore. What matters is can we live that way? No, we cannot. We must move on.
Nov 13 - 7AM (Reply to #37)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Blueeyes,

"It doesn't matter anymore. What matters is can we live that way? No, we cannot. We must move on." You hit the nail on the head with this one. We've seen the pattern, we've lived the pattern. We've gotten the silent treatment, cheating, lying, weird or just plain bad sex, verbal or physical abuse, etc. Can we continue to live this way? No. If we let this pattern continue, it will eat us alive. We must escape and move on. And really, we are all such awesome women, that if he can treat us like crap, then he's going to treat anyone like crap.
Nov 13 - 8AM (Reply to #38)
blueeyes
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MsVulcan500

I agree there comes a time to stop wondering about them and wonder about US. We are beautiful people that deserve better! Focusing on these disorders while getting educated is one thing, but once we have the education, the focus shifts back to ourselves. Jaycee, this is what I want for you. :)
Nov 10 - 10AM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Yes, I believe they do

Yes, I believe they do devalue and discard everyone. Everyone that stops being supply for them or no longer is any use to the N will be be tossed out of their "inner circle" eventually. I sincerely wish that xnh would decide that I'm "worthless" to him, and he'll permanently decide to leave me completely alone SOON. I pity the other people, but OH what a happy day that will be for me! lol. Xnh has always reminded me of a little high school kid. He always wants tons of "friends" orbiting around him like little moons, and giving him lots of attention. His group of "friends" is constantly fluctuating and changing. If someone isn't swooning over him and focusing on xnh's very existence with baited breath, they tend to fade out of his "inner circle" to be replaced by someone else that he's currently sucked into his realm. Xnh lives in a constant state of high drama and chaos, and he constantly spouts his verbal diarrhea to anyone that has ears. There is NO end to him going on and on about himself, and whatever is happening with him at moment. He inflicts his verbal "news flashes" onto others whether they wish to hear it or not (and it's usually...not). It's absolutely exhausting to be near him. However, xnh's constant verbiage does seem to keep xhn in contact with potential supply. His poor victims simply can't get away from his constantly running mouth without them being rude to him and just leaving (which I've done by going NC). Of course, then xnh will spout about that as well. What xnh sees as "friends" are really just "acquaintances" usually. There are a rare few that stay until he's abused and neglected them enough that they can't take any more, but mostly they just come and go constantly. I kind of see xnh's "friends" like my N grandmother used to see my P aunt's husbands and lovers (she's been married about 10 times last I'd heard). My aunt would introduce her latest "love", and my grandmother would tell other people (behind my aunt's back), "Oh don't get too attached to HIM, he's just passing through." The same goes for xnh's supply.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 10 - 11AM (Reply to #29)
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

Put this ladies face on a can of stew, lol....

Talk about exhausting, throw in 8 children, 6 different mothers, and always a possible 2 or 3 more (always new ones coming forth seeking paternity testing) the mental stress alone will have you on bed rest for months. It's like playing double dutch while the ropes are twirling you're swaying back and forth trying to jump in, in this case trying to jump OUT, lol. constant chaos, the mothers all accusing him of "playing favorites" or still being involved with him none of them realize what he is, they never will, think the majority snacked on lead paint chips as children, but, when I fell out of the cyclone it kept spinning without me, I fell to the ground and slept for a week straight. New "best friend" every other week, EVERY women that laid eyes on him he swore she wanted him, a few men too, lol, cell phone records....off the charts, at 3,4,5 in the morning calling women back to back he would only talk for a minute or two if that, I'll take that back he would call anyone who will answer, HATES being alone, don't blame him, I wouldn't want to be alone with myself if I was him either, lol, N-sane. You described one to the T!

stay~strong

Nov 10 - 11AM (Reply to #30)
Used
Used's picture

mysterywoman

New "best friend" every other week, EVERY women that laid eyes on him he swore she wanted him, a few men too, lol, cell phone records....off the charts, at 3,4,5 in the morning calling women back to back he would only talk for a minute or two if that, I'll take that back he would call anyone who will answer, HATES being alone, don't blame him, I wouldn't want to be alone with myself if I was him either, lol, N-sane. have you had communication with my terrible trio..LOL... a woman would just glane at narc he was say ,see her looking at me{I SURE DID AGHAST USUALLY] she fancies me[ive cleaned that up] i said why? he goes she couldnt take her eyes of me i said well you must have been looking at her ,to see her looking at you so she thinks the same about you...him, i wouldnt touch that with a barge pole...HE WOULD!!!...if it had a pulse and looked remotely alive he would be there...and he used to text for england..when we were out all you got was men and woman shouting[cos he tried to get passed them quickly..i wonder why?] thanks for texts name...he would say to me THEY TEXTED ME FIRST ..i just text back hi...they are such fucking pillocks!!!!!!
Nov 10 - 12PM (Reply to #31)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Used, no kidding about the

Used, no kidding about the hating to be alone comments. My xnh had over 700 minutes per month on his cell phone. He consistently ran it over the limits. The two months before he D&D'd (I started monitoring his bill because I suspected him of being up to something - he was...OW), xnh had phone bills that were in the hundreds of dollars. The month after he'd left, he apparently was mooching in a friend's bedroom, and was borrowing the friend's cell phone because he'd ran his own phone over the 700 minutes, and also didn't have the money to pay for the overages. When you do the math, that is almost 12 HOURS of time per month talking on the phone to use all of his minutes...and he was constantly on the house phone with his mommy in the evenings along with it. It makes my ears hurt just thinking about being on a phone that much, and my jaw aches thinking about how much talking that would be. lol. Yes, my xnh was absolutely phobic about being alone...and if I was a turd like him, I wouldn't want to be alone with me either. He's worse than some of the teen aged girls I know. lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 10 - 2PM (Reply to #33)
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

mystwoman

Another great analogy....teen-aged girl, that is 100% accurate. He has a large family and some of the neices, nephews are just old enough to engage in conversations over the phone with him, it's rediculous to watch, he's talking to a 12-13 y/o while we're supposed to be watching a movie. I don't care to speak by phone long, just enough to communicate what is needed, I'm done, in the end, I discovered he had 2 mobile phones, a secret one, it never ends. He had an unlimited plan fortunate for me or I'd be sending mortgage payments to tmobile! stay~striving

stay~strong

Nov 10 - 12PM (Reply to #32)
Used
Used's picture

this is a true story

exnarc said he was so lonley and needed to hear a human voice, he phone his credit line on his mobile just to hear a human voice....he also got a tarriff that if he spent so much he could send free texts, that was 500 texts he would send out....yet said to me once i am like you used ,i like my own company and dont need any one...yeah right narc...he cradled his mobile like i used to cradle my kids... and all he ever said to me was i am going to fuck this freindship up "NOW it means so much to me. and that is excactly what he done..he also in the space of 4days phoned me from his mobile[which was pay as yougo] for 22hrs.. i was exhausted!!!!and he kept saying are you still there , i dozed off twice..
Nov 10 - 10AM (Reply to #28)
Used
Used's picture

mysterywoman

your post made me laugh, you have described "LIFE", with my nmother, exnh and my narc...and if my mum met a new friend, i use to say ,and hopefully this one will last more that a month...ironiclly, i was best friends to all of them ,they just never knew it until i was gone!!!
Nov 10 - 9AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

If they are threatened or

If they are threatened or subjected to Narc injury they will D&D. This is for everyone in their lives. Including their own family, parents, children, etc.... Remember the four dimensional world of a Narc. Superiority Inferiority Fear Anger Superiority is their balanced state or homeostasis. With superiority comes control and power. This is what makes them feel normal and content. Once outside this dimension of superiority, fear and anger take over. The response to loss of superiority, control and power leads to the next set of options for them. Plan A- Keeping the Supply - Concede and make attempts at regaining control over the victim by means of manipulation. (lying, convincing others they are not at fault, convincing the victim they are at fault, convincing others they can change, acts of false kindness) Plan B- Devalue and Discard - Realization the the game is over due to exposure. They make this choice and we play no part in the final decision making. These four dimensions are all they have to live by. So yes Jaycee this is what they do with EVERYONE they come into contact with. You are all Superior or you are nothing. No such thing as making the best of it with a Narc. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 10 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

jayceeand betty

Im here might as well make the best of it..i dont understand this bit!!! but in answer to your question[for me], yes the discard, but all mine have tried to get back...even as i write this myexh who I DROPPED 13 mths ago[we stayed freinds or should i say he stayed friends..i wasent fussed] and then found out this year he has been in a relationship for 9/10 years...i didnt have a clue, we were "FREINDS" for 12 years before i dropped him and i didnt have an inkling...were the hell did she think he was when he was with me ,shopping,chilling, holiday... anyway i was talking to one of our kids and she said, dad asked how you are and he was going to pop round and see you... i said you tell dad that i cant stop him asking how i am ,but i can stop him coming here, please tell him he is not welcome here and i should never had stayed friends with him...what has amazed me ..he knows i know he is in a relationship now...why does he need to be friend s with me.. so basiclly what i am saying in my case...the three of them didnt give up...PS and tho the obvious answer is he wants to see me for supply, but why would he? he aint going to get that from me he knows that..i dumped him even b/f i knew about ow ,so how does he think i am going to want to see him now its in the open about him and ow.. they are now seen together, which hadnt happened all the time he has been with her...and he knows i aint jealous of them. b/c if i had of been there would have been trouble[from me]BETTY could you maybe give me a comment what my exh thinks he is doing...thanks
Nov 10 - 9AM
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

Yes, but they will do whatever it takes to keep you as a supply

Right now my NH is working me hard by pretending to idolize and value me 0 the opposite of what he has bee doiong for years. I told him I was leaving a few months ago and now he turns it on and off reeling me back in. He has bought groceries, been nice to our son, and said nice things to me. I know that sounds like a "so" but for him it is a big deal - he had been completely ignoring me, our son, my needs and had been the worst person imaginable. I am still leaving him, just not today. He even devalued our son, who is literally achild and says the most horrific things to this little wonder who idolizes him.
Nov 10 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

You need to cut this contact

You need to cut this contact with him. It is feeding him and perpetuating the situation. It is putting your son at risk for injury. It is putting you and your recovery at risk beyond all measure. If you are going to make the commitment to yourself and your son to better your life and recover from the abuse you have been involved in you must make a clean break. If he shows up with grocery's give them back and tell him to leave. Do not respond to these narc tactics of con and manipulation or it will eventually suck you back in. It is just a matter of time. 2nd or 3rd go arounds with these monsters are a horrific nightmare. You thought he devalued you before. Just wait till you go back in for another round. Now your naivety and gullibleness is screaming volumes in his head. All the crazy voices; "shes weak, shes needy, she is gullible, naive, easily controlled, stupid, lacks self esteem and self worth, etc.." and the list goes on and on. Get away before your back in the cycle. You and your son deserve and are worth far more than what this defective person can offer to either one of you. Now or ever! xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 10 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

Betty

I know what you are saying. I have been seriously working a plan which includes needing money in order to move forward. I am sticking it out until I can break free with my son forever. I am not sure if I belong on this site, because I have not left, I am sorry if it triggers others, I have learned so much, including I am not the crazy one, I knew this all along, but I had no idea how many other victims were out there.
Nov 10 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

You are exactly where you

You are exactly where you need to be....HERE WITH US!! I am not telling you this to make you feel bad honey. Im only speaking the reality and truth of the situation. It is sometimes necessary to hear it in raw form. Not to trigger but to bring us back to the realization that this is toxic and damaging to you and your only means of recovering is to get out and move forward in recovery. I dont ever want you to think that this is not a place for you as it is more than evident you need all the support, education and understanding you can get right now. I know this is not an easy task to leave. We have all been there. It takes a lot of strength and courage to make this transition. We all support you as you move forward with this. But it is important for us to give you the stark reality of the situation too. Your real friends tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. Please do not think this is not the place for you. It is quite the opposite. You will get there and recover from all this damage but it does require a plan of action and it sounds like you are moving into this plan. If you need any assistance with this please let me know. We are pretty good at coming up with options and alternatives that you may have not considered or found available in your community. I would be more than happy to help in anyway i can hon... just let me know.. :) xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 10 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

Thank you Betty

My biggest question I guess is with the house - we built it and have lived in it together for four years. It is on his family's land and my name is on the mortgage. Honestly, I do not want the house for many reasons. Many have told me it is a bad idea to give up the property. I really believe he will interfere, drop by, whatever and feel validated in doing whatever he needs to "do" for his house all the while continuing to bait me, etc. He never allowed me to make the place mine with photos or trinkets, claiming it was all just clutter. he wanted our house to be devoid of family. Not cozy. To make me feel like it was not my house. SO what is the better option. Should I throw him out or move out?
Nov 10 - 11AM (Reply to #23)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

sickandtiredofit, please

Be easy on yourself! I was posting the same questions when I first joined this site. It was August, I had a plan blah bla. I was truly NUTS! Making plans for later only bought me time to feel more pain. I couldn't see that in August! Betty, brisies, lisa, shaynasmommy, desprathhosewf ect.... Were so patiently waiting for me to emerge from my fog. I was ridiculous to the point where I can't look back at my posts. I am not recovered at a ll, I'm in survival mode. Recovery takes time, its exhausting to reprogram yourself. The house,cars and even the kids do not matter in the end sometimes. Betty's right, stay here for understanding yourself, to reprogram. We all understand the madness, we have been there. Thanks to everyone for your patients with people in all phases. It is so important. I love you all.
Nov 10 - 11AM (Reply to #24)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

caveat

I don't mean "even the kids don't matter" in the true sense! What I mean is "the N's effect or the kids views of the N" that's what doesn't matter! I hung onto my N for too long for the simple fact that I avoided the kids! I regret that.
Nov 10 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

I really understand where

I really understand where you're coming from about the house stuff. I've been involved in two narc marriages (slow learner apparently - lol), and have dealt with the houses in totally different ways. The first house was like yours. It was on my ex in-laws land, but we had built the house (supposedly the land was willed to my ex as a gift). I was on the mortgage. When I left I really didn't want the house for assorted reasons either. Like you, I never felt that it was my home. It was always "his". It was not cozy, and I was never comfortable in it. In that case, I just wanted out and to get a fresh start somewhere else that was "mine". Knowing that it would be a legal battle over a house I really didn't want to live in, I signed a Quit Claim on the property and made sure that my name was legally removed from the mortgage and deed. I, also, made my first xnh pay a cash settlement in the divorce so that I had enough money to start somewhere else. My legal "throat hold" on my ex for this was that I had worked full time for four years (and he didn't) while he went to college. Either he gave me cash to start over, or I would sue (sp?) him for compensation because my wages had supported his unemployed backside while he'd mooched. He gave me the cash settlement. Mommy and Daddy had money, so I'm sure he just sponged it off them. I didn't really care WHERE he got it...just that I got compensated for my wages. The second house, was a totally different story. I owned it before I'd ever met xnh. He had never paid a penny on either the mortgage or utilities. In the divorce settlement, my second xnh was required to sign a Quit Claim on anything to do with my property. I kept my house and he got nothing to do with it. I don't know if any of this will help you about the house stuff at all. You might talk a lawyer about your specific case. A lot of times they don't charge for the initial consultation, and you'll have more information about your situation. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 10 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Wow this is a tough one

Wow this is a tough one honey. If this land was NOT on his family's property, i would tell you that this is your home and make him hit the road. However, as long as this house sits on land that belongs to his family, your screwed. It belongs to him mentally even with your name all over it. There will always be this connection and he will always feel a sense of entitlement to this house, therefore you. It would be my recommendation that you seek shelter else where for now. A family member or friend if possible. This is only temporary until you can make the arrangements that you need in order to secure your own place. I would fight for supplemental housing allowance in the courts IF he is gainfully employed. Ask the judge to grant this based on the fact that you had no choice but to move due to the abuse and trauma that you and your son have been enduring. Has he been formally diagnosed? If so this will further your request and validate your need for more assistance or financial support. If not, you will need a good attorney to bring this claim forward. It may be that you need to seek your own professional diagnosis from a doctor for PTSD and other related symptoms that were as a result of this marriage to further the claim. If he is self-employed or unemployed then you must go on your own support for now until this changes. Either way you will need the assistance of family and friends to help you so you can make this move as quickly as possible. I know this is not pleasant but its something that we have to do to save ourselves. I had to move into a family members house for 3 months when I left to get back up on my feet. I didn't like it but it was my only option outside of a woman's shelter. Which i would have done btw in the event i did not have help from my family. If you have no family or friends there are a number of options in the area of shelters that provide temporary housing for women in need with children. I can help you with this as well if you need this type of service. I will need for you to contact me in private for this however. You can send me an email and we can discuss more options for long term as well. xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 10 - 12PM (Reply to #14)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

Right on all acounts, Betty

SO true about the house - in additional posts I also mentioned how isolated the house is and I am afraid he could "mess" with me and my stuff and no one would be witness. The house represents his dominance over me and I had many lonely and sad times in that house waiting for the old lovin' feeling to come back> The mortage is quite costly and four years ago I went to see a lawyer who said neither one of us could afford the house on our own. Not by a doctor, he has not been diagnosed, but the therapist is aware of his PD - she thought he was a "perfectionist" at first and changed her mind by the third visit when he shouted at me so loudly, clients in the other room got nervous. He has alcohol issues as well, and is currently "not drinking" but there should be a trail of prescriptions and visits to an outpatient program to track. One course I was thinnking of persuing was telling him I will fill no-fault if he does not "F" with me, as soon as I feel resistance, I will change it to "abuse" and "alcholism" . What do you think. I know he will not play fair - this I learned from reading this site.
Nov 10 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

What is his income status?

What is his income status? Is he able to financially help and support an added household? only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 10 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

Betty

There will be some grumbling and much less going in to the college fund and retirement - once I get out, I can afford a small place on my own as long as I do not have to contributed to his mortgage anymore. It will take a bit to come up with first, last, and deposit, but once I get that, I should be able to make my own way. I know it always looks better on paper.
Nov 10 - 1PM (Reply to #17)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

FYI anyone following this thread...

I am leaving work soon, and as I do not have the internet at home (another power play by my NH)I can not respond to posts for a few days. I am able to read them from my cell however, so if anyone has any good advice (it's all good) let me know.
Nov 12 - 10PM (Reply to #21)
smokabear
smokabear's picture

mine did this too he wouldnt

mine did this too he wouldnt let me have internet then got internet and put computer in other room and took modem with him and I could not use computer while he was not there power play for sure