Is it fact, they will devalue and discard everyone who comes into their lives anyone care to answer

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#1 Nov 10 - 8AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

Is it fact, they will devalue and discard everyone who comes into their lives anyone care to answer

just wondering if it is true, do they the narcs, discard and devalue everyone that comes into their lives? Or is there a point when they just give it up and say, Im here might as well make the best of it? Can someone tell me what they think. jaycee

Nov 15 - 1PM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

thanks for the awsome responses

glad to know they will discard everyone in their lives, including their children, that i already knew. seems to me hes ready to d&d the whore as well, but who knows, ill leave that for a new post. thanks again. xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

Nov 14 - 7PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

They will dump their kids, their family

They will dump their kids, their family, the one they are "committed" to the one they are "seeing" their boss, anyone. They will be true to the one guys that sees them for them crap that they are. By true, I mean contact them every couple months, or once a year, to get together. They guy doens't know the extent of their false life, they just think he is a 'guys guy or mans man' and hear the latest, and that is it. They do not have relationships with people. They do not have relationships with people. This is key. They play by their own rules, that is it. They could marry you one day, cheat with you the next. They lie to their kids, their parents, their boss, their colleagues, their "friends" they have no friends. They lie all the time, for any reason. All they want to do us to use you to get some where. Do you remember the old socks you through out 5 years ago. That is how the N/Psychopath thinks of people. Stay away from them they are dangerous.
Nov 15 - 12AM (Reply to #68)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

D&D is inevitable

A narcissist's biggest fear in life is to find themselves in a mediocre, monotonous existence. They feel omnipotent, grandiose, and unique. To live a routine, common, domestic life terrifies them. Bottom line, they will inevitably pull away, disappear, run or cheat at some point to avoid the dreaded idea of being settled-down A narcissist will always ensure they have someone present and available to them at all times to stroke their ego and cater to their needs. Unfortunately, they will give you no warning when they decide to leave in pursuit of validation from someone new. This is when we must remember we did nothing wrong and this outcome was inevitable. A narcissist will simply devalue and discard people when they become convinced that they can no longer provide them with sufficient validation. Keep in mind, this evaluation of theirs is totally subjective and not grounded in reality at all. Suddenly, because of boredom, a disagreement, an act or a failure to act, the narcissist swings from total idealization to complete devaluation. The narcissist then disconnects from you immediately. They need to preserve all of their energy in order to obtain and secure new sources of supply and see no need to spend any of their precious time and energy on you, whom they now considers useless.. But please remember, they will repeat this cycle in every relationship they enter. It is inevitable. Be grateful this toxic abusive individual is out of your life and never let them back. You must accept the fact that you were not an object of love to this person, but a pawn, a mere source of supply to feed their fragile ego; nothing more, but certainly nothing less. Once you understand how they must constantly change their source of supply, you will realize their rejection of you has nothing to do with you. It is their issue and they will repeat the same behavior in every one of their future relationships.
Nov 15 - 11AM (Reply to #69)
chickon2
chickon2's picture

Amazed and Lisa

I am so happy you posted this.. IT Is a huge big relief.. I know deep down I already knew this.. BUT I needed to re read this.. AND it gives me an extra kick in the booty for breaking NC via a mutual friend.. This is a great post... all of it...
Nov 14 - 9PM (Reply to #66)
M
M's picture

getting somewhere

Where do they want to go? Mine married wife #1--she was successful, he struggled. He took off 2000mi away to start his own biz. She filed due to "cruel treatment". Had $30K debt with her. Good thing I didn't cosign a credit card w/him. He racked up $100k+debt. Tried to stick half w/me. Didn't go. He failed with 2 smart, pretty ladies. 7 year "itch". Yes, they have patterns. Mine must be trolling for the next victim he can suck $$ from for 7 years (when he's cleared from 2nd his bankruptcy). And he thinks he's "father of the year".
Nov 15 - 10AM (Reply to #67)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

It's interesting that you

It's interesting that you should mention the 7-year itch, and patterns. My xnh was so similar to yours that they could be clones. He definitely has patterns. He left his first xw with $25K in credit card debt, and dumped her after 10 years. However, he had dumped her once before, after being married to her for 3 years, so there actually was 7 years between D&D's in her case. He filed bankruptcy within a year of leaving her because of "her" credit card debts. Xnh tried to portray himself as being very noble, and taking on all of "her" credit card debt because "he" would take care of it "right". Then he promptly borrowed the $25K from a friend, and lived in his bedroom for a year rent free while paying it back. After all of that xnh filed for bankruptcy anyway. His excuse for the debt was that the first xw took charge of all of the household money, and the credit card debt was because she was a shopaholic and gambled at the casinos. Funny how all of those air compressors, tools, and Mustang car parts showed up prominently on the credit cards...hmmm, those must have all been because of "her". lol After that he hooked up with me, we dated for 8 years, and got married. We were married for almost 8 years. He D&D'd on May 12. Our eight anniversary would have been May 29. Technically, he D&D'd me in the 7th year. Thank God, like you, I never merged any of my money with xnh's. He never paid a penny on my mortgage or utilities because he was supposedly paying tons of his paycheck on his massive credit card debts to get rid of them. THAT was a total lie. When he D&D'd, he was $72K in debt. $40K of that was credit card debt, and the other $32K was his two cars and his ATV. He was $6K upside down on his main car loan because he traded in cars like some people change their underpants. In the 6 months since our divorce, he's traded in his cars three times. IMO, xnh is a financial idiot. I'm SO glad I had always kept my money separate. I kept my house and car. He took ALL of his debt with him. He's heading towards his second bankruptcy as we speak. Just like yours, xnh also seems to think he's "father of the year". I guess that explains his P daughter who is pregnant by a gang member that beats her, she's on drugs, and has been in jail on felony drug possession charges. She's currently unemployed (fired 7 times that I know about), drawing welfare, and living at home with her mommy. Oh yes, HE is great dad and taught his children all the skills they'll need in life. rofl.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 14 - 1PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Now that college students are more narcissistic...

My maternal grandmother and my late maternal grandfather were both Ns. Sometimes, disorder melds very well. When a Narc says he want a "female version of himself, but better"... there's truth to that. Better a Narc ends up with someone as disordered as himself, then terrorizing normal people. The ex-Psych professor gets a new batch of students every year. Now that college students are more narcissistic,it means not so much NS... but then again, it could mean more drama AND more understanding.
Nov 14 - 10AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Do that d&d everyone

I have observed in mine that they d&d anyone who begins to question them, ask anything of them, or critique them. If you can avoid doing that long enough, he promotes you to his inner circle. Sometimes he mistakenly promotes you prematurely and then, like with me, realizes he made a mistake but neglects to tell you he's D&Ding you. I realized after talking to the OW that he has started D&Ding her, too, because she started questioning him. So even flying three thousand miles twice a month, putting him up in a hotel, writing him checks, buying expensive clothes, furniture and gifts for him and his family, sending him cookies and having him picked up in limos, and asking nothing of him in return wasn't enough after she complained a single time that he never visited her or after she asked to see his house. The only constant people in the narc's life have been: his two brothers, his babysitter, and his best friend. Aside from his brothers, the other two have never entered his house nor have they asked to. They provide everything for him and ask for nothing in return. He doesn't even pay the babysitter. The only other person was his brother's girlfriend, who was actually on the fringe because he didn't know if he trusted her after five years. Guess how she got promoted, finally, to the inner circle? By not telling me about the OW, and by finally blocking me on Facebook!
Nov 12 - 10PM
smokabear
smokabear's picture

hi I have been with a narc

hi I have been with a narc for 6 years, now am just now relizing the deal I feel very stupid, he has told me he wanted me gone since the beginning he was cheating and I was not aware, so he was disgarding me,he has dumped me probably 50 times we live together when I am no longer useful to him he id done like I was a nobody that never existed at all I helped him through everything now all good as long as I play by his rules he values me when I dont he disregards me because they are people that use people till they are not useful at least for me
Mar 20 - 7AM (Reply to #62)
AquariusGal
AquariusGal's picture

Exactely.

"he has dumped me probably 50 times we live together when I am no longer useful to him he id done like I was a nobody that never existed at all I helped him through everything now all good as long as I play by his rules he values me when I dont he disregards me" Exactely. If people ask how many times break n patch, i cant answer. Yes, all by his rules. Drop and done like i never exist on earth.
Nov 13 - 6AM (Reply to #61)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

smokabear

thank you, they are all the same and im sure he will discard everyone in his path, as well. it just may take awhile, until he feels his whore is not as useful as she has been in the past. take care hope you are well. Jaycee

Jaycee

Nov 10 - 6PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It goes for EVERYONE...

- The ex-N boss liked making a BIG DEAL about firing employees. He liked making employees feel expendable...it gave him power. I had barely been at my job for a week, and he'd be reducing me to tears, mocking me, and threatening me with firing. He saw his employees as expendable... except for the morbidly obese N-coworker whose sob story kept him on. The ex-N boss REFUSED to fire the N-coworker (despite promising MANY times,NEVER following through),despite the fact the N-coworker allowed teens to engage in underage drinking on the nursing home grounds, bragged about a high school girl exposing her chest to him,and many more shenanigans. During my firing, he was incredibly cold and cruel. When I was upset at seeing my name NOT on the schedule (I freaked out),he snapped at me to calm down and was extremely cold. I said I'd talk to him after the firing... I NEVER did. After coming to this site, I deleted his number from my cellphone. I've been NC with him for 2 years. I avoid him when I can... I'm in the same town. He wants me to work at a nursing home that'll open soon... I AM NOT DOING THAT. NOT AGAIN. -The ex-P professor seemed to D&D his colleagues, except the one with whom he shares an office. My senior essay advisor, with whom I correspond occasionally, referred to him during the D&D as "different"--I think that's a euphemism for a more insulting term. My professors were more sympathetic to me than him... because I got a good transcript, good grades,and I graduated. The ex-P D&D'd two of his colleagues for editing one of his manuscripts, he disses them in the first footnote of an essay of his online. It's not just about D&D'ing spouses and lovers. So are coworkers, colleagues, students.
Nov 10 - 2PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.

In a nutshell... First time he dumped me because he was jealous I went out for Halloween with girlfriends. He came backto me a few days later. Of course, then I was petrified to go out without him in fear he would be jelous agai and leave me. So I spent all my time with him. Then he dumped me a month later and one of the things he said was that it seems I don't do anything lol Our next round together.....he said I need to communicate instead of giving him the cold shoulder if something is bothering me. Fair enough and true. So I became a better communicator and spoke up when something bothered me. Well, that was wrong too because he would become annoyed, evasive, angry, or on 2 occasions called the police on me for being emotional! Towards the end, if I called him he seemed annoyed...so I would back off and then he'd call me several times wondering why he hadn't heard from me. If i felt the vibe he needed space I would leave his place to let him watch football or whatever, then he'd be like "why you leaving so soon". I could go on and on. Bottom line. Doesn't matter what you do. They change the rules constantly. Nothing is ever good enough.
Nov 11 - 9AM (Reply to #58)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

staying strong 78

SO WELL PUT, damned if you do and damned if you don't, sums it all up with these psychos. In looking back on my relationship WITH THE exNARC I felt like a pretzel being twisted in so many different directions to try and find out what would please him,all the while he kept pulling my strings, mad at me if I called and left a message on his cell phone because it would cost the cheapskate a few minutes to retrieve it and then get mad at me if I did not call him and waited for him to call me, YOU really could never win with these people, they have to be RIGHT and play by their own rules, fairness or communication on an equal level, forget that, emotional immaturity is what my therapist said about my exN.and to me it all goes back to how his mother never let him develope into a unique, individual and that is what I would love to tell him but never will.
Nov 10 - 12PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

The Narcs needs are

The Narcs needs are bottomless. They want the impossible from themselves, and other people. They can't help it, it's a feature of their mental disturbance. So anyone who gets close (a simple friend, a child, an OW) is going to be subject to the bottomless needs of the Narc. Since thier needs are impossible to meet, they will be devalued and discarded. Some Narcs discard by dumping you and leaving you. Other Narcs (these are the ones in my experience) devalue and discard you but want to keep you around for a reliable punching bag. It's still D&D, however you slice it. You have this kind of Narc, too, Jaycee. This kind of Narc never lets go of anyone.
Nov 13 - 7AM (Reply to #51)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Jaycee

I agree with Briseis, our Narc's will never leave us. We are good people, something they wish they were. We are kept until we escape. I posted something the other day about escaping or being dumped, which is more painful? I think in your case you were dumped but also kept around for his security? I'm just guessing. It's gonna be you who has to escape, he won't ever leave you!
Nov 13 - 4PM (Reply to #52)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

blueeyes

blueeyes, mine may still be around but guess what, he left emotionally, if he has emotions, and physically, when i thru him out, he only hangs around because it makes him feel good and it gives him so sick twisted sense of narc supply..Jaycee

Jaycee

Nov 13 - 5PM (Reply to #53)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Jaycee..

Awe honey, I know he is using you as security supply. I think your worth much more than that. Your especially kind and deserve to be treated that way.
Nov 13 - 6PM (Reply to #54)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

blueeyes

thank you for saying the truth, i know that, it still hurts like hell. somedays i feel im worth more than that, but, other days, id settle so as not to feel such pain. im giving myself until the wednesday before thanksgiving, and then, im dropping the bomb, bills paid or not, im cutting off all contact with him and will never speak to him again. hes lied for the last time to me. Jaycee

Jaycee

Nov 13 - 9PM (Reply to #56)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Jaycee,

You ARE worth much more than that. There is only one person who doesn't think you are worth anything, but that is only ONE!! And he's a narc asshole. Believe me, everyone here wishes you weren't going through all of this pain. But you will not start to get over it until you are NC with him. Once you have cut him out of your life and he can't dick around with you anymore, you will be able to start to rediscover the Jaycee you want to be, the Jaycee you were meant to be. But this will not happen until you get him out of your life so he can't influence your thinking anymore.
Nov 13 - 7PM (Reply to #55)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Jaycee.

I will pray for you. May god give you the strength to live your life in peace. I'm rooting for you. Your worth it! We are here for the tough times. Remember, we need tough times, without them we wouldn't have the good times. I'm so sorry for the amount of years you have wasted on this man. There is only good after NC, belee me honey. Bills paid or not is right!!! Yahoo! I'm glad to hear you say that! I don't have money right now but I know I will again! So will you. All the bills paid by a Narc or your sanity? I'd pick your sanity. Good for you. XO
Nov 11 - 11AM (Reply to #50)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Even babies and toddlers have easier to meet needs...

Because their needs are SO BASIC. They want to be held, to play, to eat, or have their diapers changed. A baby is much easier to satisfy than an adult Narc! REALLY! All my nephew has to do is watch the Wiggles and he's entranced! Singing "Dr. Knickerbocker" calms him down. Babies and toddlers have basic needs. They obviously can't communicate. The ex-Psych professor had IMPOSSIBLE to meet needs compared to my nephew. Conversations had to cover only certain subjects, there were things forbidden to discuss (like feelings),he was the one who had to end the phone call NOT ME. This could explain why Ns/Ps can bond together. Some might say "the stench would be too much." The ex-Narc boss fired me, NOT the Narc coworker who's still there,despite all his disciplinary write-ups. That's why I wondered if the ex-Psych's fiancee (eventually wife) was herself narcissistic. In my experience, Ns seem to cope well only with other Ns. It doesn't guarantee NS, but at least you've got somebody who understands you.
Nov 10 - 10AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

thanks for all the responses

one question, could they decide they wont devalue and discard if everything goes their way? or is it inevitable with anyone regardless of how it goes. Jaycee

Jaycee

Nov 13 - 7AM (Reply to #48)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

inevitably

They will DD everyone. They don't decide or not decide. Its how their disorder works. They are broken and can't be fixed, even if they want to be better, they cannot. This is the hardest thing for people like us to understand because we are so different. I agree w smokabear, they live in the moment. Whatever they are feeling is the way everyone around them will feel. It truly is all about him. Have you read Lisa's book? It helped me understand my husband and decide to move on.
Nov 12 - 10PM (Reply to #47)
smokabear
smokabear's picture

personally I think it is

personally I think it is what thier behavior pattern is or what is going on with them at the time, with me he was cheating found someone else to feed his supply i wasnt good enough then if they dump him or whatever he pulls me back in again now if I dont play by his rules he dumps me again and disregards me like I am trash for me it can go eiether way it has gone both ways in my life
Nov 10 - 11AM (Reply to #46)
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

IF he is a true narc....

If he is indeed a true narc, then everything these ladies have said is truth so help you GOD! If not, then who knows what his behavior pattern maybe? Has he been diagnosed? You may believe he is a narc as he has presented with a few character traits of a narc, but his degree of narcness may be more in one area or less in others, I can't say for certain about the degrees as I am dealing with a full blown NPD individual, if he is a full blown narc, there will definitely be d/d no way around it no matter how much you cater to the narc need, it is ever changing, some of the ladies say day to day, I have seen him change minute to minute, NOTHING is ever constant but his need for supply, they are walking, talking contradictions, he will be madly in love with you at dinner, by bed time you can very well be his worse enemy, you are set up for failure out the gate, believe it, it is truth. You can/will NEVER do enough to please him, therefore, you will be d/d...PERIOD. stay~striving

stay~strong

Nov 10 - 10AM (Reply to #45)
Used
Used's picture

its inevitable

mysterywoman said it best....just when you think you know the "RULES", they change them..this is why they are always contradicting themselves b/c what they said a nd ment last week is not what they are saying or mean this week...TRULY DAMNED IF YOU DO AND DAMNED IF YOU DONT!!!!
Nov 10 - 10AM (Reply to #42)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

The way I see it with N's,

The way I see it with N's, the only way for everything to go their way is for their supply to be their personal slave forever, and that person does absolutely NOTHING but orbit around the N. Honestly, I don't know anyone in the universe that will be able to do that (or WHY they'd want to do it in the first place). Even if someone DID manage to make everything go the N's way (and this DOES include reading their mind 100% of the time...correctly), the N would get bored with the person merely because they make everything go their way. N's not only want everything to be about them 100% of the time, but they also change the rules about what "everything" is according to their own whims. If you think you know what the rules with the N's game are, the N will merely change those rules. YOU won't know when they change or what rules have changed either. Just like in Star Trek, making the N have "everything" go right is a Kobyashi Maru (no win scenario).

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 12 - 7PM (Reply to #44)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

mystwoman

Love your response, i even asked my EXN why is it whatever i do it is never enough, do i have to lay down on the road and let a truck run me over, NO response was what I got................
Nov 11 - 1AM (Reply to #43)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Mystwoman,

Very well said! No matter what you do, it is NEVER good enough. Or if you happen to hit something right, the rules change so you are wrong again. You need to be at their beck and call at all times and nothing you care about matters. You can't have any of your own thoughts, dreams, plans, nothing. Your children can't come first, nor your health. Just him in his little solar system and you are the orbiting planet.