Ns get miserable when they get older... is it true?

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#1 Oct 28 - 10AM
staystrong.10.10
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Ns get miserable when they get older... is it true?

I've always heard that Ns get or become miserable when they get into their mid/older age. is it true? I couldn't find much articles on that... anyone?

Nov 4 - 12PM
WellRed
WellRed's picture

The older they get, the more

The older they get, the more they realize they they are running out of time to fulfill their own fantasies about what they have accomplished, or should I say NOT accomplished. Therefore, they become more miserable and more needy of someone else to blame. Just my opinion.
Nov 9 - 6PM (Reply to #57)
Susan32
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Not just sexual fantasies...

The ex-Psych professor had fantasies of being a famous philosopher when he came to my campus in '96. He REALLY played it up... but had NOTHING to show for it. He bragged about a book he would write... well, it would've been published in '06 if he had been SERIOUS about it. He hasn't published any books; he's only published 3 essays in the past decade. Okay, I am so NOT envious of him. He's pushing 50... his father is the prolific author, his father is the one interviewed on the radio, his father is the one interviewed in DISCOVER, Scientific American, etc. The ex-P is so overshadowed by his father it's kind of stunning. The ex-P had fantasies of being a famous, respected philosopher, of being published, of being a renowned professor... NONE have come true in the past decade. He wallowed in self-pity back in '96. I doubt anything has changed. He had fantasies of wealth and power rather than sex because he was the cerebral type. Too bad his father wasn't my professor, because his father strikes me as a DECENT HUMAN. But life is not fair.
Nov 4 - 7PM (Reply to #42)
loveofmylife
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Fantasies

I agree...plus, "things" start to break as they get older and I think they start to panic because they can no longer pretend to be god and perfect anymore. Mine (age 51) said on match.com that he was finally looking for "life long monogomous physical chemistry"..whatever the hell that means. No mention of an actual relationship or commitment. And I think it is because things are breaking on him now and he figures he better find someone quick since it might all be "broken" soon and he'll have a REALLY hard (sorry about the pun) time finding someone!
Nov 6 - 8PM (Reply to #47)
helldweller
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loveofmylife

When you said "Life long monogamous physical chemsistry" I laughed for half a second, but then I literally cried for several minutes. That is absolutely what mine was looking for: a lifetime of "chemistry" with one person, without the bother and scariness of commitment, love, trust, or any of the messy things that come with all of that. The lengths he went to to make sure we never went past "falling in love" . . . How exhausting it is to be falling in love for four years! It's awful! I get "being in love with" your partner forever when you have a good thing, but never getting past mutual attraction sucks. Never building anything real sucks.
Nov 7 - 6PM (Reply to #56)
terri
terri's picture

sums up my experience too

This is EXACTLY what my relationship was like as well. After a recent hoovering episode (that has again ended badly) I was told that one of his biggest complaints about me was that I just didn't give him enough attention - WTF!! Classic narc! Let's see, I have a full-time job (because he won't support me), two children (one of them a special needs child), a 4-bedroom house to take care of (mine, he has his own). Gee, maybe if he could have taken on the responsibility of a wife and family and we all could have lived together in the same house, and maybe I could have taken a part-time job so he could have applied his $200,000 income to help financially, I would have had more time to pay him attention. I am just SO ANGRY that I've wasted 9 years of my life on this SOB!!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Nov 6 - 8PM (Reply to #55)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

helldweller

crazy, isn't it? I had to read it over many times to try to figure out what he was actually looking for. but at least I realized that he is ambiguous about all of his commitments, not just with me. That phrase is full of mixed messages and ambiguities! Just saying "lifelong" and "monogamous" in a sentence that did not contain the words "relationship" or "commitment" must have been very, very hard to craft! He must have spent hours coming up with that perfect ambiguous statement so that one year from now when this poor girl wants to move the relationship forward claiming that he falsely advertised that he was looking for lifelong commitment...he can point to the black and white and claim he was only looking for chemistry!
Nov 6 - 8PM (Reply to #48)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Being stuck in neutral

A friend of mine said after the D&D, it was like the ex-P had kept me in the doorway, but I was never let in. ALWAYS stuck at the threshhold. Permanently stuck at the "courting" stage. "Never building anything real sucks"-WOW! You certainly have THAT right! With the ex-Psych professor, we didn't even really have a teacher/student relationship. We didn't even have "just friends." After the D&D, he spoke of teachers who are in permanent teacher/student relationships with former students, and that with other teachers, they eventually become friends after some sort of waiting period(?) At my college, there were quite a few professors married to former students. But no, we had "roles." My friend on the East Coast had it right when she said that the ex-P had dangled the possibility of a RELATIONSHIP with him in front of me... just a RELATIONSHIP... not even a romantic one... I can totally see why romantic rejection isn't all that bad compared to being with an N/P with whom being "just friends" is impossible. Romantic rejection isn't fun, but it's a piece of cake compared to being with an N/P for FOUR YEARS... and having NOTHING to show for it... not even plain ol' friendship....
Nov 7 - 7AM (Reply to #49)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Susan and others

Stuck in neutral. Oh, boy. That's how I always thought of it. I used to actually picture us driving through the country together. There we were, just rolling along, then BAM! We're no longer moving. I've got the pedal to the floor trying to get going again, I try all sorts of tricks to get us along. Meanwhile, the narc gets out of the car, takes a walk, has a few cigarettes, goes down to the pub, flirts with some girls, makes a few business deals, adopts a kid, and every few minutes comes back to tell me he loves me and we'll be moving any minute. Ugh. Your relationship sounds so similar to mine, even though mine was romantic. He always said vague things about how we would settle down after some mysterious waiting period, the details of which only he was aware. Dating others wasn't an option in the meantime, neither was being just friends. He made it clear that I wasn't his friend and that wasn't the role I was to play in his life. The other thing you said about always standing in the doorway was perfect, too. The narc's new house--which I thought we were going to live in--was actually this living metaphor for that. I wasn't allowed inside. In addition, much of the house is glass, so I could see him and his brother and his child living their life together day and night inside--eating, playing, watching t.v., having company, doing homework. But there was no freaking way I was ever getting inside. Never. Even when I went over to talk to him he would stand in the doorway, blocking my entry. Our whole relationship was like that. I was just NOT coming in.
Nov 7 - 5PM (Reply to #50)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Here's some weirdness....

The ex-Psych professor was pretty upset my junior year that I was DATING... so much so he complained to his students about it ON CLASS TIME. Nope, he didn't confide in male friends his age; nope, he didn't go to his fellow profs for advice (the Dean at the time was married to his former student);he didn't even tell ME how he felt. I did confront him about it... I even asked him if he were dating (I didn't care about the gender, because we all know closets are for clothes, not for people).... and he'd get evasive. He could tell I was on him. "Dating others wasn't an option"-Since the ex-P was my PROFESSOR, not my boyfriend, I saw it as my perogative to date. Besides, he had an LDR girlfriend in Los Angeles. After the D&D and meeting the lesbian girlfriend (she seemed to have that gaydar, making a tomboy like me feel like Barbie)... I told him I wanted him to be HAPPY, with ANYONE, male or female. I told him he struck me as a lonely person, I was glad he had companionship... and he threw a major fit. "Mysterious waiting period"-The ex-P claimed that former students saw their former teachers as "teachers" during that mysterious time period before friendship/dating. Wonder if he asked the Dean, and a couple of his colleagues, how long that waiting period was. I thought only guns had waiting periods... "I was NOT coming in"- For a time, I dated a graduate student who just happened to live across the street from the ex-P. A bizarre coincidence. Once, I saw a car with California plates and an "Anubis" bumper sticker in the ex-P's driveway. Anubis is the Egyptian god of the dead;the ancient Egyptians believed this jackal-headed deity judged the dead by weighing their hearts. I remember reeling inside with jealousy whenever I heard students-male or female-saw the ex-P's apartment. For four years, I NEVER saw it. But considering he was psychopathic, in some perverse way he was keeping me safe-WTF.... He was prone to rages, and he did enjoy seeing me in pain. If I HAD seen the inside of his apartment,would I have emerged alive? Would I even be HERE? Maybe my guardian angel was keeping me from going in... for my own good....
Nov 8 - 7AM (Reply to #51)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Susan

Oh, my god. The jealousy watching others come and go from his house but not me, never me, anyone but me. After he finished building "our" house, everyone on the block got a tour and I hadn't even been inside. Thbe humiliation, jealousy, anger, resentment. Not to mention that his foster child is sleeping in my daughters' room and my "writing room" stands empty. Grrrrrrrrr. I guess it is because we are too much of a danger to their party of one. Too much of a threat to their autonomy. Or maybe they just know how much it means to us and they do it on purpose. My narc refused to go anywhere with me even for a night in four years. But he got on a plane (he's terrified of flying) with a four year old (hates being confined with kids) and flew four and a half hours to California (he's a chain smoker and can't not smoke for five minutes) to visit another woman for a week. When I found out, I wasn't even concerned about whether they slept together. I was just like, WTF? Why not me? Why the hell not me??????????????
Nov 8 - 10AM (Reply to #54)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Being left out

Towards the end, I was ALWAYS calling out the ex-P on how he was leaving me out. He'd have students and professors over to his place every once in awhile for dinner, I was NEVER invited. It was the openly gay professor, with whom I think the ex-P had a brief liaison, who told me very bluntly "he's leaving you out." They ENJOY our frustration (I'm talking about Ns/Ps) People assumed the ex-P and I were having sex, but he never saw my dorm room (that would've meant getting caught) and I never saw his apartment (my mother was afraid he'd beat or kill me, so that might've been a good thing) "They just know how much it means to us and they do it on purpose"-I think that nails it. Mary Baker Eddy, the founder of Christian Science, was PURPOSEFULLY a no-show when the Mother Church had its Excelsior Extension dedicated. Christian Scientists came from all over the world. Mary Baker Eddy's assistant, an unmarried Englishwoman, got her a special dress. And Mary Baker Eddy didn't even show. The ex-P KNEW that seeing his apartment meant A LOT to me. I wanted to get to know him better, and before the D&D, I was calling him out on it. But, considering his rages, and being a psychopath (rather than just a garden variety narcissist)--the fact I never saw his apartment was probably good for my safety.
Nov 8 - 8AM (Reply to #53)
Used
Used's picture

helldweller

that is so hateful..everything he done, the house, the flying, refusing to go anywhere with you...that is narcs all over,we get our designated place and thats where we are expected to stay. unfortunatly by then we are so into them, we do it, and so the die is cast. my exh would go and totally refurbish someone else,s home for them when ours needed the same thing, but he didnt do it, he would even say get someone in to do it..i said to him once charity begins at home, he would do people shopping, gardening, and i would say to the person, he was doing yours when ours needs doing...i would always get the same answer.oh he is a lovely fella you give him a hard time..so i gave up saying anything... also, i like foolednolonger did say to people he is not the man you think he is...all i would get was he adores you ,he loves you so much.all the time he was decorating and refurbishing for us he would talk about you nonstop and all was lovingly. i didnt bother saying anything again.. when i met narc ,i introduced them..myexh was his usual sauve, freindly, smart self...when he went narc said is that the man you got when you were married b/c i doubt it....well it takes ONE to know ONE...lol...when you come out of the fog..when nc has kept you awawy from this fiend!!!...it will all fall into place...i feel i know myexh and narc better now than when i was with them..the bigger picture is a sight to behold....you will be there one day but you have to keep nc...and the woman who listened to you, then took photos of foster child..these idiots are everywhere..
Nov 8 - 8AM (Reply to #52)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Helldweller

That is so horrible and you deserve so much better. I, too, felt like I was my N's "dirty little secret". It was like I was good enough to sleep with him, take care of his problems, boost his ego, but not good enough for his friends to know me. I'm sure there are different reasons why they do this, and yes, it can be deliberate just to see how much you will take. With mine, he was always keeping his options open, and if everyone knew about me, they would call him out for hitting on others or picking up some skank in a bar. So exactly why the judge did this I don't know, but I know how it hurts and makes you feel worthless. This is hard to overcome, but it can be done. I am so glad you are away from him and his house that will never be a home, and you are starting to see him for what he really is. NC gets easier as time goes on and you see things clearer out of the fog.
Nov 4 - 8PM (Reply to #43)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

love of my life

Love that pun, mine is at that stage now, ED problems in his 60's so has to resort to cybersex, ugh and to think he could of had me for the best sex ever, how sad...........
Nov 4 - 9PM (Reply to #44)
M
M's picture

Nice pun!

I found a prescription of Cialis for my ex 2 years before the divorce. We weren't really having sex...he wasn't intersted..why did he need it? He was 43 at the time...
Nov 5 - 10AM (Reply to #45)
staystrong.10.10
staystrong.10.10's picture

so sad

so sad the Ns become an empty shell pretty much when they get older. maybe this is horrible to say, but hey! i'm effing happy about if that actually happens to my exN!!!
Nov 5 - 12PM (Reply to #46)
M
M's picture

it is sad

but they do it to themselves. I am just waiting until he falls completely apart. I just hope my daughter's not there when it happens.
Nov 3 - 3PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Do N's get miserable as they get older?

All I can say to that is I certainly fucking hope so.
Nov 4 - 12PM (Reply to #40)
staystrong.10.10
staystrong.10.10's picture

briseis

word up girl friend word up!!!
Nov 3 - 7PM (Reply to #39)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

for Briseis

Your wish may very well be granted, i wrote you a comment on the blog about Sam Vaknin's Utube discussion, check it out when you can...
Nov 3 - 6PM (Reply to #38)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

LOMFAO

ME TOO!
Nov 3 - 6PM (Reply to #35)
jen79
jen79's picture

Hugh hefner

But when i think about him, then I am getting angry, how old is he now? 103? And still some blond chicks around him, ok they are using him too, but neverless he has his supplies and thinks all is great, I think they left him, but he has already new ones. This is so annoying.
Nov 3 - 7PM (Reply to #37)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Hugh Heftner

Is 89 years old. I am a nurse, and I know what an 89 year old man's body is like. He isn't using ANYONE. He can barely take a crap without a pill or digital assistance. Don't even get me started about the manly parts, and how circulation and aging do not conspire to keep things in a normal working state, much less appearance. He has money instead of looks, personality or a working dick. Whoopdedoo, he's got blondes all around him but they are LAUGHING at him and spending his money right and left. Whatta life. I can hardly wait to be him. Not.
Nov 3 - 6PM (Reply to #36)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

right.

One time we watching tv, the one thing it seemed we could do without him making me feel threatened (but always somehow did) and he said whistfully, what a great life he must have had so far. I was like, thanks. Fucker. But most of them don't to invent playboy, honey.
Nov 3 - 6PM (Reply to #34)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

briseis

that was exactly what i was thinking. verbatim.
Nov 3 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
Used
Used's picture

briseis

lol....this made me burst out laughing.... you know looking back on narcs...not just my recent ones...even youngish they are miserys...i remember a story my nmum told me, when she was younger maybe 20 to 30...when there was a party or night out going..not only was she invited but her freinds would say if my mum wasent going nor would they...by the time she was 40.. not only had the invites stopped she found out they were all going out or partying without telling her...when she called someone on it they said..you have become to much of a liability and you dont stop whining..... in the end she was pals with people who no one else wanted....and narc by his 30,s[i didnt know him then]he had even tried religion b/c he had so lost his way....and this is so sad to write, but if my mum eats something she thinks she is bieng poisened by people and if she doesnt eat something she thinks people are starving her to death.... that is not being flippant...... so yes they do pay...but by then they are usually to far gone to be even aware of it....
Nov 3 - 10AM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

My xnh is not accepting his

My xnh is not accepting his aging well at all. His first ex-wife told him when he D&D'd her, that he'll never be happy with anything because he doesn't WANT to be happy. She was 100% correct. He wasn't happy when I met him. He was about 32 years old at the time. All he could do was rage and blame her for everything in his life. He then became progressively more and more sarcastic, miserable, and unhappy during the 16 years I was with him. Then when we were together, EVERYTHING became my fault according to him. I was holding him back from living where he wanted (next to his mommy). I was forcing him to stay at his job, and living where we were. I was the one that was stopping him from skiing every weekend. I was the one that wouldn't let him buy that $50,000 Mustang that he's ALWAYS wanted. I was ruining his life because I have serious health problems and couldn't go camping. It goes on and on. You can add the sentence, "If ONLY I could, then EVERYTHING would be perfect" behind everything above, because that is was he said. What a spoiled baby! Well fast forward 16 years, we've been divorced for almost six months. He's still living in this town (HOW I wish he'd leave), and not being a ski bum living next door to his mommy. He has not gone camping ONCE. He's traded in his cars three times in those 6 months, and none of them were that gloriously expensive Mustang I was stopping him from buying. His daughter is on drugs and pregnant by a gang member. His other daughter is going to college next year and he hasn't got two pennies saved for her because he's spent all of his money buying things like motorcycles, cars, and ATV's for himself for years. Guess what? He's now railing to anyone and everyone that everything wrong in his world is all my fault. Apparently I threw him out of the house for NOTHING. In the real world (not his magical one), he came home and D&D'd me. I'd owned my home years before I'd ever met him so xnh wasn't getting it anyway, and he walked out on our marriage (after cheating on me). At 48 years old, he's now more hostile, sarcastic, blaming, and nasty tempered than he was when I first met him. So yes...he's getting more and more miserable as he gets older. I really am glad that I don't have to be with him when gets really old. Right now IMO, he acts like a spoiled child with a hot poker shoved up his a$$. I don't expect xnh to improve with age.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 5 - 6PM (Reply to #31)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Not aging well...

"He was 32 years old at the time. All he could do was rage and blame. He became more sarcastic, miserable"- Interesting. I met the ex-Psych professor when he was 32;I was 18. He looked good for his age... except for his teeth. They looked like smoker's teeth, or someone who was homeless (maybe even meth?) Over 4 years, I saw him go from being model slim, tanned, handsome, someone who COULD bare his chest in public (yes, the only professor who dared to have his shirt-without an undershirt- open all the way down to his navel) to being paunchy, and just plain WORSE. I've never someone get so lousy in such a short amount of time. What's weird is that during the D&D he was consuming lots of wine and beer... and I wasn't the one hitting the bottle... WTF.. I thought I was supposed to be crying into my beer over lost love(!) He described himself as a "rotting old man." he called himself an "old man" all the time. One of his favorite Arthur Schopenahuer quotes is that physical beauty is merely "glittering beauties" that cover up decay. In my freshman year, he bluntly said "I'm destroying myself." Back in the day, it was the first time he had lived REALLY far away from his parents in Massachusetts (tho his sister lived nearby in Texas)... he had gone to college where his father was a professor, took 7 years to get his master's in Virginia, and got his Ph.D. in New York. Being in New Mexico meant he was VERY far from his parents and he could do what he liked...it was his brief taste of freedom... then his parents moved in with him to raise his kids the year after he D&D'd me. Lucky him.
Nov 3 - 10AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I just think they are

I just think they are miserable full stop what ever age they are...lol....both mine had major mood swings.
Nov 3 - 8AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

misery bussinnes 2

And he is still miserable to this day,very grumpy,angry and has a very bitter and sacarstic sense of humor....and is getting worse,he gained weight since I left,when with me he was eating healthier and was fit,he went bck drinking rum,stil smoking,eating fat foods,and getting bigger and bigger and i know hehates it...he used to be very good looking,he still has a beautiful face but his lifestyle (gaming ,porn,fat foods ,smoking alcohool,sleep apneu(his breathing stops a lot while sleeping)hardly fresh air,always working or home at the pc,a very lonely,isolated unhealthy life...he had kidneys and blatter problems and also ED....he lives like a caveman....he is always angry and bitter except when he meet someone new at work ,in the beginning he can play the nice guy,even with co workers and tennants,but only a very few survive as a human being in his book...

Aceonelady