Im in panic mode if you have read my posts, please tell me my husband is textbook narc

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Oct 21 - 9AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Thank you for the mail and I

Thank you for the mail and I will read more and contact you back tonight when I get home. Please go easy on yourself today. I know your panicked but keep in mind that this is just a temporary feeling and it will pass. No one has ever died from the ending of a bad relationship. Feel like it yes, but never actually died. You will be ok. Take some deep breaths and do something that helps relax you and helps you focus. Right now you are giving up your much needed energy on stressing today and your driving yourself to the brink of exhaustion. Keep a watch out for your mail tonight and we will arrange a time to chat. Stay close to the board today. :) only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Oct 21 - 9AM (Reply to #28)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

betty

I wont be home until around ten est. but i will watch for the mail then. thank you, and please tell me hes a narc.........and it wasnt me.....please..........

Jaycee

Oct 21 - 9AM (Reply to #29)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I stay up late so I will be

I stay up late so I will be around. We will talk about all of this and what my perception is but to ease your mind today i will tell you that it is definitely not you. (smile) You will always get the truth from me, whether is welcomed or not is another story. The lack of truth is what landed you here and this is not something that you need in your life right now. Listen to your friends here today. Have faith and trust in them. Believe in what they are saying because they are the ones that hold the key to the truth. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Oct 21 - 12PM (Reply to #30)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

betty

i stopped home for a few, will be back late night est and i hope we can email.......thank you.........Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 21 - 8AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

jen i cant believe how over the edge i am today

thank you for your continued responses.......im crazy today, i cant get it together...its awful awful im so over the edge, i need to know he is and thank you for believing he is a textbook narc......i need to hear that, i just would hate the fact that it was because i wasnt the one........Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 21 - 8AM (Reply to #22)
jen79
jen79's picture

Honey jaycee

He stayed with you 24 years, this is huuuuuge for a narc. If someone was the one, than you. Normally they jump around from one to another. I think you are a caring, loving woman, you gave your heart and your life to him, what else can a man want, what else? Please breath deep, and try to keep to quite your mind, pray and concentrate on your breath, quite your mind. He is a son of a bitch, jaycee, and I pray for you!
Oct 21 - 8AM (Reply to #23)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

jen

jen he stayed and played, he was a serial cheater, he also left me when our children were six and eight for another woman, and then i took him back and he constantly cheated with several others, i turned a blind eye to, but yes he stayed with me mostly throughout the twenty four years, even when he was gone, he was here but only to keep me on a string, then i took him back like a jerk.....Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 21 - 8AM (Reply to #24)
jen79
jen79's picture

Jaycee do you remember

this thing this psychic told you? I know its hard, I dont want to compare myself to you, cause I didnt had a marriage of 24 years and I dont have children, but I can feel your pain. Please start to imagine a jaycee that lives happy without him. I know its hard today, today just survive, make something good to eat today, watch a nice movie. But tomorrow, try to imagine yourself as the jaycee you are supposed to be, a happy one, a strong one, a jaycee that survived the struggles in her life. Pray that, pray and imagine that jaycee, slowely. If you cant today, maybe tomorrow. Hugs!
Oct 21 - 8AM (Reply to #25)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

jen

jen, thank you, i wish i could get it together, i cant, i have this really bad feeling, i dont know what it is.......im so afraid and in panic mode, maybe im starting to realize she is who he really wants and hes never going to leave her, because he suddenly realized she was the one.....what if that happens, then hes not a narc and i just wasnt the one...jen i dont want to die alone without someone to love, i always imagined that he and our children would be there as i died, and now, he will die with someone else and i will die without him, i know who wants a soulless bastard to be there on their deathbed, but it was my illusion and now she has it, im babbling sorry so many thoughts im over the edge......please tell me he wont die with her, please tell me she will be long gone from him before he dies., please.........Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 21 - 8AM (Reply to #26)
jen79
jen79's picture

jaycee he will die alone

and you won't. When their beauty is gone, and no one wants them anymore, they either have some szupid whores around who just wants their money, or if they dont have money, he will die alone. Cause who wants a selfish pig, that is old? You jaycee, are a loving women, and you can start all over again, with someone new. You will find someone new, and you wont die alone, cause your children love you, and at least they will be there, I doubt your children will rush to see your N, when they hear he is about to die. And if he continues to take all this pills, he will die soon anyway. You wont be alone, you are a loving woman, you will find true love again, when the hurt is gone, and your heart opens again. When you at least expect it, and when you feel comfortable again with yourself.
Oct 21 - 7AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

im so paniced help

why am i so paniced, what if hes not a narc, and it was me, what if i just wasnt the one. why and what if he just wants to find the one.......please tell me you know either way, i know no one can say for certain, but im so scared today, what if i wasnt the one........what if he just felt bad for me all these years, thought i was so needy and needed to search for the one........please tell me even if it hurts..i cant say yes to all of bettys hallmarks, so i dont know...help please im having meltdown.......Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 21 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Because there is no "One" for them, Jaycee

It sounds like a bit of a contradiction, but try to look at it this way... Nobody is Ms. Right, yet all women can fit the bill, for however long they need them. In other words, Narcs don't ever find a "Ms. Right," they only ever have a "Ms. Right NOW." You were his Ms. Right NOW, for 24 years, only because you put up with his crap and were in denial over it for that long. And I'm not saying this to hurt you, but stating a fact. This is something we all did, for however long we did it. I can't judge you, because I should have dropped mine after 24 days, let alone 24 years. You wer Ms. Right NOW until you woke up and called him on it. And I must say youv'e done an excellent job of doing that. You just have to be strong and show him that you are not going to take him back this time, no matter what. You have taught him that this is the game, time and time again, so he expects you to break again. Not this time. SHE, the OW, is not his Ms. Right. She is also his Ms. Right NOW. All women have the potential to be that for him. No, its not your shortcomings, not HERS (although she sounds like she's a real piece of work)and its not the other OW's, either. Remove HIM from the equation, and everyone is all good. There, I hope that helped you with the cog diss. Truth be told, I still have very fleeting moments of wondering if I could have done anything different. Then I get smacked upside the head with reality. If I "could" have done anything differently, the closest would be completely denying who I am, and becoming a shell of a woman, and well, life's too good for that shit.
Oct 22 - 7AM (Reply to #20)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jaycee a secret of the strength you are not recognizing

You put him out. Yes you are suffering, but who is the punk who has to find another one to latch on to? Is that not WEAK? Who will hold it down in the end independently? YOU! Because you are strong. You've been hurt. Every emotion you are feeling is normal and it will pass. He will ALWAYS be weak. You always had the power, you just did not recognize it...and that is what we are all working towards and we will do it together.
Oct 21 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
jen79
jen79's picture

jaycee lets say

you werent the one. Remember what he did, remember how he treated you, remember how he referred to your son being in war. Lets say he is not a narc, and just a jerk, and you werent the one. Jaycee, do you want to be the one for someone who abuses emotionally? Someone who treats you like shit by playing mindfuck with you? Do you want to be the one for someone who doesnt care about his children? And do you think, that you not being the one, is an excuse for all that? For abusing, and using you, for not giving a shit about how this impacts you, for playing mind fuck with you? For not caring about your kids? Do you think, this is an excuse? No it isnt, he is a total asshole jaycee! Please breath and pray!
Oct 21 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

jen

jen please ask God to answer my prayers....please......im so paniced worse than ever, i dont know what brought this on...please ask God to answer my prayers..........and yes, if hes not a narc or psychopath, and just an asshole, where does that leave me.......being not the one........putting up with a cruel prick, i want him to be a narc so i know he will never change..........Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 21 - 7AM (Reply to #16)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

CRUEL PRICKS don't change

CRUEL PRICKS don't change either. You know what they say 'a leopard doesn't change his spots' Jaycee, you found this site because in your heart you KNOW what he really is. Don't punish yourself any more...ACCEPT him for who he is. My Cruel prick is back with a woman who attacked me when I first met him. It should eat me alive but I WON'T let it. You asked where that leaves YOU! It leaves you to vent, grieve, hurt and then accept. I can't begin to comprehend how much pain you must be going through as you were together such a long time. I wish I could wave a magic wand and wipe him out of your head. I hope one day soon you will be GLAD you aren't his ONE. You deserve so much more. His ONE doesn't exist, well unless you count himself in that equation. HE is his 'ONE'. I hope he'll be very happy with himself until death him do part :)
Oct 21 - 7AM (Reply to #17)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

desprathousewife

thank you for what you said, i hope he is his only one and its not me....so paniced today cant breath, i dont know why....i just have a terrible feeling........i just do....i just need to know he is a total narc psychopath and is keeping me hooked, not because he loves her and she is the one, but because thats what they do........i dont care about him living on his own, i just want to know hes leaving her and no one but himself is the one.......Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 21 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

you dont have to worry, Jaycee

He is a Narc, and you know that deep down inside of you. There is no need to doubt yourself anymore. He's been training you to do that for many years now, and he probably picked you in part because he could sense that it was easy to make you doubt yourself. I've been there, too. You are so much more intelligent and intuitive than you seem willing to acknowledge, and I know that is because its very hard to swallow that he's been bullshitting on you all this time and that on his end, the marriage was a sham. His "relationship" with this OW is a complete sham, too, because these assholes ALWAYS have one foot in and one foot out. There is never any complete desicion to commit to ANYTHING, with a Narc. Read this sentence over and over again please, Jaycee : He was never "with her" so there is no need to wonder when and if he'll leave her. They will never be together in the true sense of the word. Please try to find a way to take a break at least from this worry. I know its hard, but you can and will come back to it later. I don't want you to have an even worse breakdown. You need to stay physically and emotionally strong for yourself and your kids. I pray that God blesses all three of you in abundance.
Oct 21 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
jen79
jen79's picture

jaycee

I am 100 procent sure that he is a narc. He is one. I tell you that, because I see your story with a clear mind, you dont, you are in the story, you cannot see clearly now, no one of us can in the middle of it. Trust me, i am not saying it to please you, he is a narc, and he will never change. Never. And I pray for you, I pray that you find your peace again, where does it leave you, it leaves you as a woman who loved despite the facts, this doesnt make you weak, it shows you can love unconditionally and I think there is nothing wrong with that. You were deceived by a manipulator, they are so good at it, jaycee, we all have fallen prey to that. They are so convincing. Take all the excuses and the talks away, and look what is left, a selfish pig, who doesnt give a shit about others. Do you think she is the one? Oh cmon, she is not, he talked already like shit about her. All you have now, is a panick attack, and it will end one day. Please stay away from him as much as possible. Pray, pray, pray, jaycee, you need to connect again with god within yourself, it will help you to get through this.
Oct 21 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

jen

jen, i pray so hard everyday, its all i do........i just know in my heart God will answer my prayers, yet, i doubt not God but myself, i really hope you are right, that he is a textbook narc and she is not the one........he keeps telling me and my daughter he is looking for his own place, hes made up his mind that he wants to be on his own, and no longer wants to be with her, hes had enough of her demands and needs his freedom....but i dont believe him, i think his mom gave him money and hes giving it to the whore....i know he pays everything here but hes still lying about leaving the whore, i dont think she will let him go, i know she is desperately in love with him and fought me tooth and nail to throw him out........maybe he loves her and feels sorry for me and our daughter and is just telling us that so we feel better.....i dont know, i just want to know hes narc and will never change and shes not the one.........jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 21 - 7AM (Reply to #11)
jen79
jen79's picture

jaycee

he doesnt tell you things to make you feel better, he tells you this to keep you hooked. You cannot wrap your mind about it, cause you are not like them, and its a blessing. Thats why you just have to trust the facts and what we are telling you, cause your heart will never get it, cause you cannot get what is not inside of you too. He is a narc. he will never change, and even if he would meet the dream woman of all men's fantasy, he would still devalue her one day. Cause that is what they do, destroying people.
Oct 21 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

She's right

Even if he did meet this dream woman that doesn't exist, being a Narc he would still destroy her because he would hate her for being perfect.....something he wishes so despaerately to be. You can't "win" with these guys. Nobody can. But then again, if everyone knew what the game was, nobody would ever play.
Oct 21 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
jen79
jen79's picture

thats true jaycee

I know "my" N had dream women around him, I always thought like you it is me, cause I am not that successful and beautiful and interesting and strong as the other women he had, all artists, actresses and models or writers and all beautiful in this hollywood way. But I read all the mails of him, and I know he played them all. All of them. And I am sure not everyone of them was as needy and clingy as you and me (and I wasnt really needy and I doubt you were, we were just loving and caring). It doesnt matter what you do, if you are playing it cool and firm, you lose, cause you are no good supply, if you are loving and caring, you lose, though you are an excellent supply, cause you are too easy. You are doomed if you do, and doomed if you dont, you cannot win with them.
Oct 21 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Yes, and a good example

of this is Taylor Swift. She has a new album coming out called "Speak Now" or something like that. The girl's got balls because she's calling out John Mayer, one of the biggest farking womanizing Narcs in Hollywood there is!I mean, if John "Douchebag" Mayer, who's played and dumped some pretty dynamic and beautiful women (Jennifer Aniston, for example) can play and D&D Taylor farking Swift (my God look how beautiful, smart, charming and talented she is)the guy is so farked in the head that it doesn't take a genius to figure out he's mental and will die alone someday. They are ALL alike.
Oct 21 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
jen79
jen79's picture

or look at Halle Berry

she was with this Narc/sex addict who cheated on her with thousand women, and she is Halle Berry. Jesus, Hally Berry, is there any way to be more beautiful than her? It really isnt about you jaycee, it is them, they are devils, they destroy everying that is good, holy and beautiful.
Oct 21 - 6AM
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Jaycee, I'm sorry you are

Jaycee, I'm sorry you are feeling like this today :( Betty just posted 'for those on the fence, is he or is he not a narc?' Read it, if like me and probably everyone else on here you can answer YES to at least ten of those, then he definately IS. I answered YES to the whole kit and kaboodle :(
Oct 21 - 6AM
jen79
jen79's picture

jaycee

He is a textbook narc. He is. If you he wouldnt be a narc, and lets say, you were just not the one for him, you wouldnt feel that anxiety, I promise. I left the last guy, cause I know, he doesnt really want to be with me, and I knew I wasnt the one for him. And though it was sad, believe me, I didnt experience any kind of weird panick attacks like this, I had panick being alone, but I didnt feel like a piece of shit like they make us feel. And this guy was passive agressive, he made me quit with him, cause he was too coward to do it, he mas emotional abusive too - but still, he isnt a narc, and I didnt feel like piece of shit. It is the hallmark that somethings not right with them, if you feel like shit afer you encountered them.
Oct 21 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
MovinOnUp
MovinOnUp's picture

Jaycee

I was already sold that your husband was an N, but something you said just recently cinched it for me. You said your son, before signing up for the service had a full scholarship to college. This didn't jive with the way he spoke about him when he was home on leave from Iraq. The way he spoke about him made me think your boy had been a bit of a screw up (lost) prior to entering the sevice. The full scholarship kinda blows that notion out of the water. And that leads me to belive that this guy is jealous of his own son, and his son's accomplishment. He should be proud of his son, yet he isn't. Why? Because he is a malignant narcissist that detests his kid for showing him up. A normal parent hopes his child does as well, or better than they did. Not your N. And that tells me he is a very sick puppy. And they seem to have the most trouble with their same sex children. If your daughter had been the high achiever he may have been able to stomach it. And don't let yourself get too dismayed by not being able to apply everything on Betty's list to him YET. You are still fighting your way out of the fog and will probably need more clarity and distance before everything clicks together and you can look at that list objectively. It's not you, Jaycee. It's him. I promise. And love, you will be bouncing back and forth with this until you get a little more distance because all this contact is doing a number on your brain. That's not pressure, just truth. I also wanted to mention something I read about this week that might help your daughter. If you get a chance, do some research on Naltrexone. It was originally used with alcoholics and now they are finding it helpfull battling heroin. Once again, it's not you Jaycee. And this OW isn't the one. There is no ONE for this guy. Jaycee, you and I have lost decades of our lives. It's not easy to face. But I think wasting our whole lives would be even harder. And I'm not sure our Higher Power wouldn't see that as a sin. You've been living in a perpetual state of heartache for twenty-some years. And I'm not convinced that every woman that's been thrown in your path wasn't sent to flush you out of your very uncomfortable comfort zone so you would go on to live a life more deserving of you. A life your Higher Power believes you deserve... even if you don't. Love, MovinOnUp
Oct 21 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Jaycee !

Girl! HE WAS WITHOUT A DOUBT...a texbook NARC. But YOU were 'the one' for well over 24 years Sweetie! Forget the trash that comes out of his mouth...a marriage that lasts as long as yours would be considered a successful marriage...YOU were not the one that failed in it...HE IS!!! Because you have been so repeatedly hurt and worn down by all his lying, cheating and abuse...and his parting hateful words and behaviors, you are not remembering the amazing woman that you really ARE. Any woman who has stayed with and loved such a difficult man for as long as you have is : 1. LOVING 2. Forgiving 3. Gracious 4. Empathetic 5. Dedicated 6. Devoted to her family 7. Loyal 8. Hard working 9. Tolerant 10.Compassionate 11.Has a BIG Heart She also has to be: 1. Smart 2. Caring 3. STRONG!!!!! 4. Creative 5. Moral 6. Have strong values 7. Loves her family 8. Passionate 9. Have a good sense of HUMOR 10.Amazing inside and out ...all this and you are probably an excellent cook too! :-) YOU WILL heal and recover from this someday. And you will start to remember who you are...a woman of worth and dignity... It isn't YOU, Jaycee...it was always HIM!!! Someone else said this...and I think it is absolutely necessary too...that you must do everything for YOURSELF that makes you feel good today...and on each day you feel this bad. If you even have to FORCE yourself...do things like take a nice hot bubblebath...paint your toenails red...or put on your sweats and watch movies all day...or get a good book...go for a walk...call a friend who loves you...take a long nap, eat healthy food...or eat a whole pint of Haagan Das ice cream... :-) If you had a dear friend...or a sister who was feeling like you do today...how would you treat her? What would you do for her?...and DO that for YOU. When I was hurting my best friend...who lives about 3,000 miles away right now...called me and said...take your right hand and place it around your left shoulder...and do the same (but opposite) with your left...and then squeeze tightly...and that is a hug from me whenever you need it. ...well I am sending you a hug like this today too. These hurtful feelings and 'panic' will pass...ride it out, just allow yourself to feel it and take care of yourself. The only way to heal is through it...and you ARE strong enough to heal...even if you don't think so right now.
Oct 21 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

the girlfriend

girlfriend, thank you so much for all you said, especially saying you truly believe he is textbook narc. i am doubting myself today, dont know why but am, i will try very hard to stop this panic mode and move onto something else to focus on. and yes, i believe wholeheartedly he is jealous of his own son, the young successful man, my hN could never be, because he is a coward and a liar and a user. if he is not narc and i wasnt the one, then guess what, hes still a cruel human being. thank you again for all you said, and yes, somewhere deep down i know i am all those things.......xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee