The Narcissist and no contact question

25 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jul 17 - 12PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

The Narcissist and no contact question

I have a question for all you lovely people . What happens in the mind of the narcissist when you go no contact , do they suffer ?
peru x

Feb 28 - 6PM
micala
micala's picture

IT SEEMS LIKE ...

from what I have been reading that many of these narc are writers or wanna be"s Is this true?? Mine for the past 5 years has been trying to get a book published. When the 1st didnt do anything he went on to write another!! Ugh! Then in addition to trying to be a famous writer he also is trying his hand at being a successful screenplay. Only problem is which he flatly refuses to realize is that the book is BOOOOORRRRRIIINNNGGG!!!

micala

Feb 28 - 10PM (Reply to #24)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

micala

Yup - Ed Morrissey even mentioned Psycho-Boy as "generous" at the recent CPAC convention: http://www.washingtontimes.com/weblogs/watercooler/2010/feb/19/ed-morrissey-surprised-and-honored-limbaugh-intro-/?feat=home_blogs Psycho-Boy's been called out so much for blogging under a pseudonym (he says because of me! LOL) he's finally using his real name again. This along with his 'religiousness' is all a cover for his depravity and perversion and misogyny... as well as sociopathy - all the things he did he's never admitted to, owned or been accountable for. Not a one. Yours sounds like he has DELUSIONS of grandeur. These guys really do not live in truth or reality in any way, shape or form... scary... ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 28 - 11AM
seancunningham
seancunningham's picture

Thanks!!

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone!! I'm glad I found this site. It's really helping with my healing. I woke up missing him today. Don't know why. But, I'm fighting it. He literally isolated me and worked his magic. We never went out. I look back and get sick at how I was subconsciously manipulated. There were no words exchanged, he was just a constant presence. It was like a form of mind control. He did it effortlessly and cunningly. SCARY!!! Anyway, my question is: Since I broke up with him and have had no contact from him....does that mean I'm in the clear? Does he see me as a lost cause because he couldn't control me? Or is he waiting to pounce. I heard that if you abandon an N, he writes you off totally because you've dented his ego. Please let me know.
Feb 28 - 3PM (Reply to #22)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sean

always hard to say as they are all variations on a theme Some Narcs - once you expose them - get out of dodge permanently. Psycho-Boy however, looked me back up after 27 years when he needed free sex. Some come back around as if nothing ever happened. The BEST thing to do is BLOCK his phone numbers, change your number & your cell if you have to, block IMs, emails, texts and so on. Return any mail, unopened - return to sender, delivery refused. Erase voicemails WITHOUT listening. BLOCK him from contacting you. We hope you post your whole story under SHARE YOUR STORY when you get a chance. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 28 - 11AM (Reply to #21)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Sean,

From what I have read, you are never totally in the clear. They may go away and not contact you for years! There are some who get harrassed from the get-go, and others who are ignored until the narc decides he needs someone and your name pops into his head. I know on the one hand it hurts that they want nothing to do with you, but on the other, not having any contact really gives you a lot of clarity and you start seeing your relationship from an objective angle. And when you start seeing things from this angle is when you stop missing him, and see how lucky you are that you got out. I am one of those who has not really heard from my XN. He's sent a couple of pretty inane emails, but that is it. He's moved on to another victim, so he is not needing me at this point. However, I know he was in contact with his ex 5 years into our relationship, so I am suspecting I could be dredged up months or years in the future. He could be seeing you as a lost cause, or he could just be waiting for you to get over being mad. He could just think you're in a snit. It will most likely depend on if he has other supply or not. If he keeps getting supply elsewhere, you probably will not hear from him. But when he hits a dry spell, watch out! Hopefully that will be so far in the future it won't have much of an effect on you. Just remember to not take anything he does or doesn't do personally. It is not about you. It is all about him.
Feb 28 - 12AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wallaby

You are right... he's replicating... imitating things he's heard or read because he knows THEY WORK! he's also using NLP which pathologicals either learn or pick up along the way. It's an NLP thing. Narcs & Psychopaths are MASTERS at this naturally. http://www.deeptrancenow.com/nlp_embedded_commands.htm http://www.deeptrancenow.com/nlp_time_distortion.htm http://www.deeptrancenow.com/hypnotic_confusion.html READ the 3 "AM I UNDER HIS SPELL" posts under my blog. It's all an act. Psycho-Boy is the same. Doing so in writing is unspeakably easy because they can massage their words for maximum effect and believability. It's all smoke and mirrors. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks Barbara for NLP info

I had never heard about this and when I went to the links you gave I was astounded. Wow. he does those things! Creepy how N's just seem to instinctively know how to cast a spell. Ironic how he teaches his poetry students that a good poem must cast a spell over the reader so you can slip inside their altered awareness - and the way a poem can do this is through rhythm and meter... give me shivers - it is like a horror movie how these guys work.
Feb 27 - 8PM
seancunningham
seancunningham's picture

3 Weeks No Contact----YAY!!!!

My story is a bit different. I'm a guy that fell for a guy. I didn't even see it coming. I was paid SO much attention, it was overwhelming. He was SO smooth. I was hooked. I was convinced he was the one. He made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. Even though it's been over month since I ended it, the 2.5 months we were together seems like a lifetime ago. As if it was a nightmare that I'm waking from. I think it all changed when I said I LOVE YOU. He never said it back. In fact, I don't think he even wanted to hear me say it. It went slowly down-hill from there. They are ice-men!!! Yeah, he was great for about a month, then the mask was slowly removed. I caught so many glimpses of myself through his eyes. I went from perfect to flawed almost overnight. I saw the monster he truly was. I honestly think I was targeted as his monetary solution. He just bought a home and it was way over his budget. He kept saying that he didn't know how he was going to eat, or pay his mortgage. He then asked me to move in. I was smart enough to say I'd think about it. Then the D&D began slowly. He would throw barbed comments my way. I was told I was clingy, needy and co-dependent. I was the same as I was when he met me. I was the one that ended it and he told me it was a BIG RELIEF. So the 2.5 months were totally a waste of my time. Except, I never knew about this disorder...so, it's been a big learning experience for me. Even after the breakup, I tried to get him to work on getting back together. No go (thank goodness). He then began sending sarcastic and torturous emails. I instituted NO CONTACT. It's made me stronger...and has been a big help to my sanity. I need to move on for my own peace of mind. He was a liar, a cheat, and a con man. I got out with just my feelings hurt. I'm luckier than most. He couldn't even stay faithful with his last partner...why did I expect him to stay faithful to me? I knew he was dating others whilst he was with me, I closed my eyes to it. I'm better off without the baggage. Why stay with someone if they're going to disrespect you? It's all a game to them. Their mind-set is wired differently than the normal person. They get their kicks getting away with making you feel horrible. The initial stage of adorationto hook you, then almost overnight pulling the rug out from under you, and reducing you to being their biggest annoyance. It's sick. Do yourselves a favour and move on. I'm doing it even though I have lots of self doubt, going over and over it in my head. Wondering if I could have done more. It wasn't about me, it's was always about him. We are merely expendable objects to them. Completely disposable! We are ALL better than these pieces of scum. I'm angry as hell, but stronger. My anger is a sign that I have feelings and emotions....unlike him.
Feb 27 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
rache
rache's picture

Sean-((HUGS))

you are blessed to get away from this piece of sh.t! My psychologist said that even if someone were PERFECT and did everything 24/7 just like they wanted it and looked like a million bucks=it will never ever be ENOUGH! AS its nothing we did or didn't do=its THEM! They're the ones SCREWED UP! NOT YOU-NOT me-NOT US!They are just un-feeling,heartless,cold-CYBORGS! Might as well be with a blow up doll.THEY all cheat,lie,emotionally,and,mentally abuse,and,in this time of aids,hep B/C ,herpes,hpv-its dangerous that a-holes like this prowl around.
Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #16)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Hi Sean!

Welcome! First, congrats on the NC, that is really very helpful in your healing process. The anger also helps you move on and want to stay away from him. And you're right, you couldn't have done more to make him happy. It's just not going to happen for him. And you were right in not moving in with him, he would have sucked you dry financially too. I had an aunt and uncle pass away in 2008 and my parents decided to share their inheritance with us kids and started doling out some money. Not a huge amount, but it helped ease things especially since I had been laid off for 7 months. I think my N was upset because he wanted to borrow money and I chose to pay off my home equity instead. That's when things really started to go downhill quickly. I'm so glad I had the wherewithal to at least protect my money, if not my heart and body. As you read more here you will see a lot of similarities between all these N's, they all follow variations of the same pattern. Good job with the NC!
Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

seancunningham

no matter what your sexual or gender orientation - it doesn't matter - the Narc is still a Narc and still just as damaging. They truly are sick & evil. I hope you're in therapy to get over any level of PTSD he left you with. And Welcome to the group! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Jul 17 - 10PM
devoured_soul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

SUFFER, LOL

HOW I WOULD BASK IN THE GLORY IF I THOUGHT HE SUFFERED. BUT, NO. HE'S OFF DOING HIS THING WITH HER (AN NS) AND HIS "SOCIAL CIRCLE" FRIENDS (NS's). ITS A SICK GAME THAT ONLY FEEDS HIM. HIM. HIM. IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM. ALL HIS CHARITY WORK IS ALL ABOUT HIM. HE "HELPED" ME FINANCIALLY AND 1099'D ME. HIM HIM HIM. DAMN, I FEEL LIKE I'M AT A CHURCH SINGING! (OH, WAIT...THAT'S HYM!) BELIEVE ME, PERU...I WANTED TO THINK HE WAS SITTING HOME ALONE, WONDERING WHERE HE WENT WRONG, LONGING TO SEE ME, LONGING FOR MY TOUCH AND ALL THE INTIMACY. ONE TIME, I WAS PUTTING OINTMENT ON A TATTOO HE JUST GOT AND HE SAID TO ME, "I CAN FEEL THE LOVE THRU YOUR FINGER TIPS". I'LL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK ON HIS FACE, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE LOVE I FELT WHEN I TOUCHED HIM. DID HE "FEEL" ANY LOVE? NO. HE KNEW JUST THE RIGHT THING TO SAY AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME...TO GET LAID. THINK ABOUT IT...IF HE ACTUALLY SUFFERED, NONE OF US WOULD BE ON THIS FORUM. ONE DAY AT A TIME AND PRAY FOR THE RIGHT THINGS. I USED TO ASK GOD TO BRING HIM BACK TO ME. GOD DID NOT DO THAT BECAUSE GOD KNOWS THE N DOES NOT WALK AMONG HIS CHILDREN. HE WALKS WITH THE DEVIL. ENJOY THE FLAMES, BABY.
Jul 17 - 8PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I hate to say it...but...

I'm kinda glad mines walking around annoyed I don't answer him. Let him know what it feels like...
Jul 17 - 8PM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

That I wouldn't know..

I have a question for all you lovely people . What happens in the mind of the narcissist when you go no contact , do they suffer ? peru x I for one would have no idea if they suffer or not, but then again I wouldn’t care. All I do know is that if they have this disorder and suffer they will only suffer for themselves. In short if they feel emotional pain it’s their pain not yours. If they feel frustration it’s all about their frustration not yours and so forth and so on... One member on another site posted this and it kind of confused me insomuch how it’s a weapon we can use but that it might be used to hurt them. So I replied back with how I felt concerning this issue. This also allow me the chance to state my view on exposure which is yet another weapon we have to use but like all weapons we need to use them to protect never to abuse. A weapon is just a tool and like any tool we can use it to build or destroy, that’s up to the user. This was taken from a thread on another site titled “Psychopaths and predatory memory." My reply to Henry was as followed. My reply: henry, “No contact is our only weapon, the closest thing to revenge we will get.” I too believed this for the longest time (the part about NC, but sorry I disagree it should have anything to do with revenge) until one day I understood that exposure is also a tool we can use. Exposure for me is a necessary part of the learning process I am going through. By exposing with these types of people, we will accomplish three things. I call this type of exposure by the initials W.A.R 1) Warn: others about these types of dysfunctional and parasitic people. If I only knew more about those that suffer from having a personality disorder before I met and started a family with my ex s/p I know things would have been different. I know I would have tried harder to save my children and I from years of verbal abuse by her. Even if I had to break the law I would have tried harder to protect my children. If only I knew about what a personality disorder was, I would at least had more options. So now my life’s work is exposing these type of personality disorders and the risk one takes whenever we date marry or get involve in these relationships albeit personal or business. 2) Aftermath: I am dealing with the after effect of my personal dysfunctional past relationship with my ex s/p. Now our mind have this ability to “forget” the really horrible and bad events in our lives. The reasons, I am sure there are many, but anyway by exposing these type of people we will remember and not naturally block out those EM (emotional memories) but instead deal with them and try to understand why this happen and how to prevent it from happening again. 3) Reaffirmation. Whenever we take the steps to expose someone with a history of abuse and “bad” relationships, we confirm what we believe to be the truth, as we understand it. The only example I at the moment have is the holocaust and how we must never forget what happen during this war and those that for years suffered and die in silence. Many people would love to forget the holocaust but to do so would allow something like this to happen again. But by us remembering this horrible event and reaffirmation with ourselves of it‘s reality, we can pray and hope it never happens again. The same applies to our past relationships with our s/p. By remembering and reaffirming what really did happen we can go on and let go of this past and leaving it when it belongs “in our past”. And then hope and pray it doesn’t happen to someone else. Link: http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/04/war.html
Jul 17 - 12PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

perutoo

No. They get angry. They don't suffer - they CAN'T love, suffer or anything. If they SAY they do they are faking it. These people literally can not FEEL. Their brains can't feel emotions. Usually they become angry. You've figured them out and won't be their blood-supply anymore. And STAY NO CONTACT!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

This is so hard to get my

This is so hard to get my head around , isnt anger an emotion ? . I have no intention of contacting the freak im not wasting nearly 2 weeks of the no contact i have done it was the hardest two weeks in living memory .
Jul 17 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

perutoo

anger & aggression is a very basic PRIMITIVE emotion. (sex drive comes under this heading) Ns have NO higher order emotions - empathy, love, appreciation, sorrow....etc ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

well...

From my understanding, narcs only 'feel' for themselves if anything. I think it's psychopaths that have absolutely NO feelings.
Jul 17 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

quietude

psychopaths can experience one emotion AGGRESSION & ANGER. Much like narcs... but they are completely without conscience. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Feb 27 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Thats intense

They only experience anger and aggression,,I think there is alot to that. When you really think about it, that is right on. They are angry at others who do "better" than them. And they are aggressive towards all others, as they seek to dominate them. Everyone. Wow.
Feb 27 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Amazed

Research has shown that's the only 'emotional area' of their brain that shows any activity: PRIMITIVE RAGE. Everything stems from that: doing/ saying whatever to get what they want, their entitlement, their lack of accountability, lying & cheating, sex drive, excitement drive, low boredom threshold, etc. There's not 'anything to it' - it's SCIENTIFIC FACT about them. Get away - stay away. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 28 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Question for Barbara

This feels right what you said about them and what research shows - but how is it then that my N can be such a great writer - and use emotions in his writing - love poems, loss, sadness etc. And they are very moving pieces of literature -he wins national awards with his work. Is it that the "false" self imagines and learns from what others express and what the N reads (he reads obsessively) and then replicates it? This has always stumped me how his writing can seem so emotionally sophisticated and yet he does, as you say, seemingly be infused with only anger and aggression. It is a large part of how he seduced me by sending me all his writing - starting with a book of love poetry.... thoughts?
Feb 28 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Question for Barbara

This feels right what you said about them and what research shows - but how is it then that my N can be such a great writer - and use emotions in his writing - love poems, loss, sadness etc. And they are very moving pieces of literature -he wins national awards with his work. Is it that the "false" self imagines and learns from what others express and what the N reads (he reads obsessively) and then replicates it? This has always stumped me how his writing can seem so emotionally sophisticated and yet he does, as you say, seemingly be infused with only anger and aggression. It is a large part of how he seduced me by sending me all his writing - starting with a book of love poetry.... thoughts?
Feb 28 - 4AM (Reply to #8)
serene69
serene69's picture

Wallaby's question

Hi Wallaby My N too writes music - and many of his songs are love songs - similar to poems really if one thinks about it. I think - as we were both involved with high achieving Ns who are intelligent - that they have simply learnt how to replicate feelings, by reading and listening to the works of others, by observing how normal people react to things. Very cunning.