This story begins with my latest and LAST relationship with a â€˜Nâ€™; which began in 2004 when I first moved into town.
My children had moved to this lovely place to attend college and I missed them so much; I had just divorced my second husband (yes, another â€˜Nâ€™, but I call him my partying â€˜Nâ€™ because he was soooo much more fun and â€˜less abusiveâ€˜ than my first husband!). I had put my â€˜oldâ€™ life behind me and was beginning anew with no intention of â€œever doing â€™thatâ€™ againâ€â€¦
Life started out normally enough. I had gotten moved into my new place, was doing a lot of yard work and even though this was only a rental, I needed the therapy.
I kept to myself taking the time I needed to heal and gain strength when the neighbors began introducing themselves to me and inviting me to their Thursday Neighborhood Cookouts I felt warm and fuzzy, I mean heck I was going to need friends in this new life of mineâ€¦ right?
Wrong! In the midst of these â€œThursdaysâ€ was my next â€˜Nâ€™. It didnâ€™t happen right away and when he was introduced to me I said within myself, â€œOH HELL NOâ€¦â€ because he bears the same first name as my ex. I assumed I was safe, that I was strong enough to at least socialize with him. He was funny, he cooked well and when I had car trouble he always ran to my rescue, but even from the beginning I could see he had anger issues and disregarded them justifying in my own mind that I wasnâ€˜t in relationship with him and who was I to be so judgmental of a â€˜friendâ€˜ and neighbor.
Not taking seriously his put downs of the â€˜otherâ€™ neighbors, (I mean surely he truly knew these people living in this neighborhood as long as he had). However, it didnâ€™t take long to isolate me from the rest of them and the next thing I knew the â€œThursdaysâ€ consisted of him, his ONE friend and myself. I had even let him kiss me one of these nights, weâ€™d had a few beers ;)
One of these Thursdays a few months later I received a call from my uncle Jimmy (my momâ€™s brother) that he was unable to get ahold of my mom after repeatedly calling her. I had tried as well but assumed she was just busy but became concerned after his call and my attempt to call her again as well netted no response. I called my sister who lived 20 minutes from her and asked that she check on mom.
Hours passed and my sister hadnâ€™t called so I called her to find she hadnâ€™t been there yet but was now on her way. She found mom unresponsive and called an ambulance. I stayed at â€œNâ€™sâ€ house 6 hours from mom) anxiously waiting for any news all the while â€œNâ€ was so supportive. Iâ€™d never had a man so concerned and so supportive that all my red flags concerning him were laid down. Mom died the next day but not before â€œNâ€ rushed with me to my momâ€™s side. And I disregarded his put downs of my sister in his own words., because she â€œwaited for hours before checking on her and it may have saved mom should she have gone earlierâ€¦â€.
After going â€œon again, off againâ€ with him for three years (breaking up with him when he blew up at me, or the time he threw hot coffee on me because â€œI wouldnâ€™t look at himâ€ when he was talking to me), he showed up at my house and with tears in his eyes assuring me he had seen the error of his ways, he was in therapy and seeing a counselor to â€œheal from his past that made him the angry man he was with meâ€. I had also disregarded all the put downs of his ex â€œPsycho Wifeâ€. (I met her, sheâ€™s just a beat down sweet woman).
N said, â€œI need your support through this, I need you to forgive me and if youâ€™ll at least be my friend Iâ€™ll be better able to show you the real man I am without all the angerâ€.
â€œWe donâ€™t have to be in relationship, and I donâ€™t blame you for not wanting to be and I donâ€™t blame you for not trusting me but Iâ€™ll show you the man I really amâ€¦â€ he continued. Boy was he right!
It wasnâ€™t long that heâ€™d talked me into putting my phone on his plan (it would be more economical he said) and I fell into his â€˜gameâ€™ once again. Even moving in with him when his job transferred him up north two hours away and both of us were getting wore out taking turns driving to see each other. That lasted 6 months and it got even more abusive then before. But not before heâ€™d volunteered me to travel to MO to care for my uncle Jimmy whoâ€™d been diagnosed with cancer (he was the hero). ~~ I donâ€™t regret my time at all with Uncle Jimmy, the point being that there was no discussion where I was able to share how and what I thought or felt ;)
What â€˜Nâ€™ thought would be just a â€œcouple weeksâ€ turned out to be four months as Uncle Jimmyâ€™s health declined and he needed help getting his affairs in order. â€˜Nâ€™ had many blow ups when he came to visit me in MO five hours awayâ€¦ angry at me that I wouldnâ€™t come home â€œwhere I belongedâ€. His favorite â€˜punishmentâ€™ for me was the Silent Treatment so I was always on guard always wondering and questioning myself.
After getting Uncle Jimmy back on track and needing to get back home where I had this wonderful life I had begun to be concerned for my personal safety. I called friends back home and moved back without â€˜Nâ€˜. One week later his job transferred him back without the job being completed. Red flag, right??
Once again he shows up with tears in his eyesâ€¦ and once again I fall for it again and moved back in with him a year later. And again it gets worse than the time before until we are at the place I am in now.
On August 3rd I found a place to live, reserved the U-Haul, and recruited help from a great friend at work to help move. On August 4th I kept everything â€™normalâ€™ until he left for work at 4:45am (â€œNâ€ was working a job 45 minutes away). I waited 45 minutes to ensure he wouldnâ€™t be coming back to the house for anything then began to go through every closet, every drawer separating my things out and setting them in the middle of the floor of each room. When places began to open up I drove around and gathered boxes.
In a matter of three hours the U-Haul was picked up and my friend, who arrived at 9am, and I scurried around packing up my things. It was hot (over 100 degrees), we were drenched in sweat but we kept going. We knew the danger involved and when my friend had to go to a 30 minute meeting in the middle of all this I spent 20 minutes puking my guts up nerves were so frazzled. I kept going.
How did I do this and why is this time so different you ask?
Easy actually; I reached my end. Not my end of â€œnot wanting to be abusedâ€, not my end of knowing that â€˜Nâ€™ needed help, not even the end of â€œI deserve so much better than thisâ€œâ€¦ just the End. The end of thinking this was normal, the end of thinking this was going to be any different than what it really was.
PS - it really helped to have found this site (found it while in MO with my Uncle Jimmy and was really wanting to make sense of insanity), and listened daily to Lisaâ€™s radio audios. Anyone know if these are consolidated, in podcasts, etc???