iAmMINE's story

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#1 Aug 29 - 7PM
iAmMINE's picture

iAmMINE's story

This story begins with my latest and LAST relationship with a ‘N’; which began in 2004 when I first moved into town.

My children had moved to this lovely place to attend college and I missed them so much; I had just divorced my second husband (yes, another ‘N’, but I call him my partying ‘N’ because he was soooo much more fun and ‘less abusive‘ than my first husband!). I had put my ‘old’ life behind me and was beginning anew with no intention of “ever doing ’that’ again”…

Life started out normally enough. I had gotten moved into my new place, was doing a lot of yard work and even though this was only a rental, I needed the therapy.

I kept to myself taking the time I needed to heal and gain strength when the neighbors began introducing themselves to me and inviting me to their Thursday Neighborhood Cookouts I felt warm and fuzzy, I mean heck I was going to need friends in this new life of mine… right?

Wrong! In the midst of these “Thursdays” was my next ‘N’. It didn’t happen right away and when he was introduced to me I said within myself, “OH HELL NO…” because he bears the same first name as my ex. I assumed I was safe, that I was strong enough to at least socialize with him. He was funny, he cooked well and when I had car trouble he always ran to my rescue, but even from the beginning I could see he had anger issues and disregarded them justifying in my own mind that I wasn‘t in relationship with him and who was I to be so judgmental of a ‘friend‘ and neighbor.

Not taking seriously his put downs of the ‘other’ neighbors, (I mean surely he truly knew these people living in this neighborhood as long as he had). However, it didn’t take long to isolate me from the rest of them and the next thing I knew the “Thursdays” consisted of him, his ONE friend and myself. I had even let him kiss me one of these nights, we’d had a few beers ;)

One of these Thursdays a few months later I received a call from my uncle Jimmy (my mom’s brother) that he was unable to get ahold of my mom after repeatedly calling her. I had tried as well but assumed she was just busy but became concerned after his call and my attempt to call her again as well netted no response. I called my sister who lived 20 minutes from her and asked that she check on mom.

Hours passed and my sister hadn’t called so I called her to find she hadn’t been there yet but was now on her way. She found mom unresponsive and called an ambulance. I stayed at “N’s” house 6 hours from mom) anxiously waiting for any news all the while “N” was so supportive. I’d never had a man so concerned and so supportive that all my red flags concerning him were laid down. Mom died the next day but not before “N” rushed with me to my mom’s side. And I disregarded his put downs of my sister in his own words., because she “waited for hours before checking on her and it may have saved mom should she have gone earlier…”.

After going “on again, off again” with him for three years (breaking up with him when he blew up at me, or the time he threw hot coffee on me because “I wouldn’t look at him” when he was talking to me), he showed up at my house and with tears in his eyes assuring me he had seen the error of his ways, he was in therapy and seeing a counselor to “heal from his past that made him the angry man he was with me”. I had also disregarded all the put downs of his ex “Psycho Wife”. (I met her, she’s just a beat down sweet woman).

N said, “I need your support through this, I need you to forgive me and if you’ll at least be my friend I’ll be better able to show you the real man I am without all the anger”.

“We don’t have to be in relationship, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to be and I don’t blame you for not trusting me but I’ll show you the man I really am…” he continued. Boy was he right!

It wasn’t long that he’d talked me into putting my phone on his plan (it would be more economical he said) and I fell into his ‘game’ once again. Even moving in with him when his job transferred him up north two hours away and both of us were getting wore out taking turns driving to see each other. That lasted 6 months and it got even more abusive then before. But not before he’d volunteered me to travel to MO to care for my uncle Jimmy who’d been diagnosed with cancer (he was the hero). ~~ I don’t regret my time at all with Uncle Jimmy, the point being that there was no discussion where I was able to share how and what I thought or felt ;)

What ‘N’ thought would be just a “couple weeks” turned out to be four months as Uncle Jimmy’s health declined and he needed help getting his affairs in order. ‘N’ had many blow ups when he came to visit me in MO five hours away… angry at me that I wouldn’t come home “where I belonged”. His favorite ‘punishment’ for me was the Silent Treatment so I was always on guard always wondering and questioning myself.

After getting Uncle Jimmy back on track and needing to get back home where I had this wonderful life I had begun to be concerned for my personal safety. I called friends back home and moved back without ‘N‘. One week later his job transferred him back without the job being completed. Red flag, right??

Once again he shows up with tears in his eyes… and once again I fall for it again and moved back in with him a year later. And again it gets worse than the time before until we are at the place I am in now.

On August 3rd I found a place to live, reserved the U-Haul, and recruited help from a great friend at work to help move. On August 4th I kept everything ’normal’ until he left for work at 4:45am (“N” was working a job 45 minutes away). I waited 45 minutes to ensure he wouldn’t be coming back to the house for anything then began to go through every closet, every drawer separating my things out and setting them in the middle of the floor of each room. When places began to open up I drove around and gathered boxes.

In a matter of three hours the U-Haul was picked up and my friend, who arrived at 9am, and I scurried around packing up my things. It was hot (over 100 degrees), we were drenched in sweat but we kept going. We knew the danger involved and when my friend had to go to a 30 minute meeting in the middle of all this I spent 20 minutes puking my guts up nerves were so frazzled. I kept going.

How did I do this and why is this time so different you ask?

Easy actually; I reached my end. Not my end of “not wanting to be abused”, not my end of knowing that ‘N’ needed help, not even the end of “I deserve so much better than this“… just the End. The end of thinking this was normal, the end of thinking this was going to be any different than what it really was.

The end.

PS - it really helped to have found this site (found it while in MO with my Uncle Jimmy and was really wanting to make sense of insanity), and listened daily to Lisa’s radio audios. Anyone know if these are consolidated, in podcasts, etc???


Aug 29 - 8PM
iAmMINE's picture


I also got my own phone and plan, (he doesn't have the number ;) - I don't read but save all his emails (his only outlet to contact me, business email addy so I am not getting rid of it) to an email folder in case I need to see a judge about a restraining/no contact order. He doesn't know where I live. And I also run an errand then drive around and around before I head on home (in case he's following). If I feel like I am being followed I make a right turn, then another right turn, then another right turn going around the block... should "that other vehicle" make all those turns with me?... I am being followed. iAmMINE ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them,” --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf :)

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Aug 30 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
tica's picture


you have been through the ringer...I am glad you have a friend to help you get away and realize that he does NOT have power over you..most of these narcs are cowards in the long run..it is a mind game...don't play! IGNORE his ever move..i realize that you feel paranoid about him following you, etc...so what..let him follow..stay safe and keep him out of your thoughts..he wants the game to continue...you got off his rollercoaster ride..walk away and don't look back.i am so glad you posted, I have had 2 N's in my life and i see that each one gets WORSE..we need to LEARN quickly and move on...never beat ourselves up for having compassion..but i always think of the saying " compassion is feeling sorry for a dying snake, but don't pick it up because it could still strike and bite" my prayers are with you..find peace within yourself, things will get better, much better with NC
Aug 30 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
iAmMINE's picture

Thank You tica

Yes, he is a coward, but more than him being a coward I am stronger now. As far as letting him follow me? I cannot let that happen. I do not want him knowing where I live. Also, one of the things that helped me at the time I was gathering strength in ending my patterns with the 'N' was the great advice of "No Contact". I don't mind driving around extra to make myself feel safe :) -- On my end I have had NO contact with him whatsoever... and I won't either. Ya, it may be a bit of paranoia... I embrace that and know it won't last forever :) When I saw him for the first time after leaving, I didn't have a panic attack.(I was in the drivethru at Taco Bell and I looked up after ordering to see him sitting in his truck next to me, glaring). Knowing his patterns for the last 6 years I knew he would follow me home and I'd rather feel safe ;) For 5 minutes in this one and only contact I informed him I wasn't reading his emails but saving them for the restraining/no contact order. What I did different than before too? I was matter of factly when I responded to him (Not with anger nor fear like before) - When he left, and he promptly did so after I'd told a lil white lie that the local police (who have been informed of the situation) were keeping an eye me and that if anything happened to me they would know it was him (after he'd informed me I'd best be very careful "out here") - He left hearing that it was over and that it would never be again (when he asked me to "please hang onto the friendship) - he also left informed that I would not be calling nor contacting him at all. I am not angry at him, I am not even angry at myself anymore. There's been enough energy focused on all of that for far too long as it is. Now? I want to use that energy to put myself back together and build my relationships :) Thanks again for your support! iAmMINE ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them,” --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf :)

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Aug 31 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
agnesmurphy17's picture

You are an inspiration!

I'm curious? After the white lie about the police being alerted, did he stop e-mailing? Your's sounds a lot like mine. Mine was my first & only N. I sensed that I should move out & disappear too. but, other people told me that was too cruel. Boy, what a mistake. My N destroyed a lot of my possessions & made it extremely difficult to get access to my possessions (even though I was a co-owner & had a lawyer). Mine did the silent treatment, the glaring, & the weeping & the jazz about self-improvement. I was swept off my feet by Dr. Jeckyll & married within 6 months. Mr. Hyde made his first appearance within days of the marriage & took over by 2 1/2 years. I just left. I only regret that I stayed that long. Should have left earlier.
Sep 1 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
iAmMINE's picture

agnesmurphy17 ~ sorry missed your post

I am still learning how this board works and I missed your post and question till now. Yes it worked, I have not received another email from him. However, his sister messages me about his wrecks (another thread, "Ting of Guilt). - So he's still trying to get to me. Thanks for the compliment being an inspiration. I am just like all of us here... still learning, still growing and always healing :)

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.