Yeah - the book Emotional Vampires clusters four personality disorders together (I think it's called Cluster B) - Anti-Social, Narcissistic, Borderline and Obsessive-Compulsive. The book says all four have common traits and can somewhat overlap. My mother is borderline; my dad had some anti-social traits (although I don't think he was full-blown disordered like my mom is). So it's no f'ing wonder I (someone who tends toward OCD) would be attracted to someone who combined all of the dysfunctional personality traits of my folks and myself. Oy! Self-education is the only way for me to recover and I really appreicate you guys validating that, even if it means diagnosing someone with something so devastating as a personality disorder.
Welcome both Morty and Gingercat! I know you'll find so much help and support here as I have these last months. The info I had found in earlier years only added to my confusion until I found this place and everything became clear.
I had those thoughts too about diagnosing but it's exactly like Betty said, we all speak the same language so when it quacks like a duck, it most likely is. Not to mention that prior to making that determination I was in a complete state of confusion. One of the first and most important things I learned is that there is nothing you can do to change them, there is no hope of that whatsoever. That ended a very very long struggle for me.
Welcome. Stay strong. There is much to be learned here no matter what your story. Glad you found your way here.
Thank you so much for the reply. I am going to have a really tough weekend because last evening I finally had to face the dragon and tell him we are -- moving on. School starts so soon and he has done nothing to even participate in forming a plan for our son. We have to move closer to a town with services and a decent school as we have been isolated all last year opting for cheap rent in the country when he rendered us homeless for a time, telling me it was temporary. It's been 9 months.
While taking him to the train this morning he began the barrage of dissonance. (My baby granddaughter just had an MRI ((her condition has been an incredible amount of 'real' drama for my family to deal with)) and all I could think of was the pinging sound the machine created which is just like what happens when he speaks to me. My brain is literally buzzing with mixed up words and confusion.
I was able to drive back home and blue book one of our older model cars to see how much I might be able to sell it for (the title is in my name)to help get us out of here as he is using money, or lack of it, as the control. (He is an attorney from a prestigous law school but works as a temp after deliberately losing his position with a big firm) Most of the barrage involved telling me how I had not contributed financially for the past five years and how different our lives would have been had I just worked like other women do. I did have a career with a fairly good salary for my education when I met him but I now realize my slowly eroding ability to hold down my job related directly to all the crazy confusion he heaped into a day. I had also been accepted to a phd program that I gave up because of his 'goals' and devoted myself to his 'career' so now I am older with less of an education than I would like.
But.....I have a pile of packing boxes lined up and have organized what few possessions we really need into a reasonable move and today I am going to pack. Each box I seal will move me forward a little farther.
It is important that I not dwell in the confusion like I used to and keep my eye on the prize. That is why, with the help of reading all of your stories, I put almost as many of the escape pieces in place as I could possibly control so it would be much harder to back out or become weak.
Wish me luck.....
You are a very strong and courageous woman. I wish you all the luck. I hope once you get moved and settled you can get yourself an attorney. It is not unusual for the moneymaker to be advised to deliberately stop making money when there is a divorce in the making.
When I read stories like yours (and so many similar ones) it breaks my heart. I feel like I got off lucky having only wasted 10 yrs. but never marrying or having children with the exN. It reminds and amazes me at what powerful people we women are and yet so easy to fall into relationships with people who would steal all of our power - or so they think. You are proof that they don't steal it they just borrow it for a while until we take it back. Let us know what's happening. We're here for you.
I just ran out of tape for the packing boxes and almost fell apart.....kind of funny isn't it. So with your message I am off to buy a new roll. Goodness knows I have packed all of our stuff a zillion times all by myself so that is not the problem. The worry is that somehow he will trap me yet again.
Keep those good vibes coming.
Emotional Vampires
Welcome both Morty and
almostlydia
Thanks almostlydia
moving on - literally
gingercat
almostlydia
I just ran out of tape for