Why Am I such a fool over this N? I broke NC

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Aug 13 - 4AM (Reply to #21)
imabloke
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They end it...

That's what i mean.. no matter what you do.. they always end it with DD.. the crack has already started..
Aug 12 - 4PM
Amy
Amy's picture

wow....

My story is VERY similar. 5 years on and off. I was just getting out of a bad marriage. I have a good career but he chases white trash, etc. The only thing you can do is completely ignore him. Seriously. I blocked mine from texting or calling. I go out with friends and on dates now and hardly think of him. My only worry is running into him, but it has not happened since we split in June. Your only refuge is to stop communicating. It will only hurt you more. You can take control!
Aug 12 - 2PM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

You're not alone...

We are all feeling it.. including me and i'm a bloke.. yep it happens to blokes as well - all crap, the push pull, the DD, the curtain calls (i've had one CC and that's gonna be the last!) i got it as well and like you found this site. Its uncanny how all this stuff seems so familiar. But the only way forward is NO CONTACT. And yes i'm sure it annoys the hell of 'em, because you don't need him in your life and with no contact sends a clear message! You are in control of your life and not him, i'm convinced it's all about control. Yes you want revenge you want him to feel the pain too - that's only natural.. thing is they don't feel pain like we do... if anything they have self loathing, and guilt perhaps. And revenge might make you feel better in the short term - but it's the long term that you are interested in and working on your on own happiness. Read the stuff on this site and learn as much as you can. NC the only way to go.
Aug 12 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Yep

Imabloke knows what he's talking about. You can't really "hurt" them in the normal sense, but you can piss him off with going NC, and then that becomes self perpetuating if you keep up with the NC. That's what I did, and apparently through the greatvine I hear that Narc absolutely HATES my guts and refers to me as Evil. Pretty strong words for someone who acted as if he could care less once. He asked a friend of mine about me once after NC and asked her if "it ever stops hurting." Oh, BTW, I went NC over 8 years ago, and he is still obsessing over it and unable to take responsibility for everything. Pffff. That's NOT pain, in the normal sense. Thats being pissed off because he totally lost control of me and since I didn't eventually give it back to him, now I'm Satan's daughter. In all of our 7 years together, fe felt nothing except: 1. Fear-Not of losing all the great things about me, but of me getting wise and walking away from him, which I did. 2. Rage-over losing control, which is then "re-interpreted as hurt by the Narc. They know deep down somewhere what nasty shits they are. This is the best revenge you can hope for, but the justice you are seeking, is when you get yourself back and rebuild yourself better than you were before. You can do it! I have Faith!
Aug 12 - 2PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

ACgirl

You have not lost your dignity - you were victimized and it wasn't your fault. You are still way ahead of the game because you are back here, you know what you are dealing with, and what you need to do. It's ok to feel this way, it's ok to have set backs because it does hurt like hell. Unfortunately, our love for them was very real and as long as they continue to take advantage of it we are easy targets. I had always thought if mine would just leave me alone, I could suffer for a while and then get on with the healing. But he never would, never has. Even as I am writing this the phone went off 'private caller'. That's him again. When I found this site and all the info it linked to, I had spent more than 4 yrs in breakup-reconciliation hell. And I was finally done for good. It didn't matter what promises he made, how much he begged or cried, he always did exactly the same things he had been doing - lying, cheating, and disappearing. He just learned from his mistakes in getting caught and used new tactics to do the same things over and over again. He could not change and would never change. The only dignity left in any of it was when I said Goodbye for good. It will never end nicely. Never. You will never get closure. And, like the rest of us here, you will probably be haunted by a lot of what if's and how is this behavior even possible. You did the right thing by coming back here. And you are already realizing your mistake without even being involved with him again. That is progress. When he contacts you again, and he will, just say you made a mistake in contacting him and go NC again. It is the only 'magic pill' for making the pain slowly go away by giving you back your clarity, your peace and you dignity. The dignity comes when you say NO MORE. Stay strong. So sorry for your pain.

almostlydia

Aug 12 - 1PM
positivefuture
positivefuture's picture

ok...here's what i did

first of all, don't beat yourself up too much. i did the same damn thing!and even though i really didn't want to work it out with n, i felt bad how it ended and kept getting roped back in. but this last time...it was different, and i feel like i got closure. i sent him an email all talking about how i wanted a relationship, i want to be with him, i am not sure he feels that way about me anymore, and i wanted to know where he stood. of course he told me that he was too busy right now with his work and it wouldn't be fair to me to be in a relationship, but he adores me and our friendship, and he wanted to talk later that night about it. i 100% knew he would say this. usually i beg and promise to be patient. but instead i said i totally understand. i am not hurt or sad or angry or anything negative, i am ready to move on now, but i adore him too. then i closed with there is no need to talk tonight because you were very clear, and i really appreciate that! take care!! love ya. so he says, no i still want to talk, and i say no need. just know that i am happy and i feel great! and i have total respect for you for allowing me to have closure. most men don't do that, and you did...i respect that. have a great night, love ya! i don't feel bad for getting all mad at him, or for begging to try but i'll just be patient and understanding, i was upbeat, pleasent, sweet, and strong. it felt great! i haven't heard from him in two days, but i know i will eventually. the difference is that now i feel justified inmoving on, which i didn't feel before...i just felt guilty. now, i am done. and i know it in my heart. hope this helpd :) xoxoxo pf
Aug 12 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

positive future

I'm sure that worked just fine, but if it were me, here's my approach: HIM: (paraphrasing)Oh, so you wanna play some more? ME: No, not really. Iv'e changed my mind. (click) Leave HIM scratching HIS head, then resume NC, and try to make it stick. Immediately change your #, block email, whatever loose ends needed to be tied, etc. Give him a dose of his own medicine, then move on to the healin', gal!
Aug 12 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
positivefuture
positivefuture's picture

i totally see your point!

and truly, you are right! part of my issue is i feel bad when i hurt anyone's feelings, even someone who has abused me! it's ridiculous. he knows this and has always played on that to hoover me back in. i have always been the one to leave him and break his heart (his words, i know he doesn't have a heart). so my version helped me not feel guilty or bad. it was positive. i left him for 6 years once and it worked for me when i felt like i did it in a positive way. not right for everyone, worked for me. BUT i totally see your point and agree with your version as well.
Aug 12 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Well, I do see the great

Well, I do see the great thing about your version,is that he wanted to get drama, negative drama, and you didn't give it to him. Well Done!
Aug 12 - 1PM
hopefuljms
hopefuljms's picture

Don't blame yourself

Don't blame yourself anymore. You are human and this is someone that you loved. The best thing to do is just go back to no contact. It is like getting back on the horse after you fall off. The world won't end. It is truly amazing how all of our stories are so similar. Mine said to me and my friends in February that he wanted to marry me. What a surprise it was to find out he was already engaged to a MUCH younger girl! He is marrying her this weekend. I went no contact as soon as I got that info and it takes every ounce of strength I have to not contact him on a daily basis and give him a piece of my mind. I know it would only be a waste of breath so I just don't bother and neither should you. Do anything you have to for distraction and remember he won't ever change and you did nothing wrong. J
Aug 12 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Dignity

Yes, that is such an important way to be. First off, a relationship with a Narc is devastating, psychologically speaking. The push/pull does a number on your head, honey. We all feel like crazy women, knowing this idiot was bad news and yet clinging to a kind of "dream" of him. This is pure nuclear fallout. It's just what happens after a Narc relationship. It's not YOU being crazy, it's you being DAMAGED. See the difference? That's why a lot of us go into therapy, read as much as possible and constantly talk about recovery. That's what it takes to recover from these relationships. You aren't weak. You sustained the typical kind of damage from these sorts of relationships, and now need to sort it out. I really get what you mean by "dignity", in getting out again. Do you know someone who you think is particularly dignified? Put her in your shoes, and imagine how she'd handle it. Then, do what you imagine she would do. Dignity, to me, is maintaining self respect. Self respect is a kind of territory of the mind, where you maintain control and you continue to "like" or respect yourself for your behavior and actions. Wanting him to suffer is understandable, but listen to yourself. How dignified is that? He wants YOU to suffer. You will not like yourself much for this. Already, you felt so badly about how it ended you tried to fix it. How will you feel later about this? The pain will resolve. It definitely will. When you cut all possible ties, from yearning for the "good him" to wanting to see him suffer for what he did to you, you will be on the road to freedom. Stringing him along to get revenge will ensure you remain in pain. Any contact with these idiots brings pain. ANY contact. Bring focus back to your precious life, prepare yourself to be an excellent partner for someone who wants a whole, healthy, dignified woman :) .
Aug 12 - 1PM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Dear (((((hugs))))), there

Dear (((((hugs))))), there is not an easy way. The only way out pain is through. But if you keep postponing it, it will become worse and worse. There is only a way. No contact. Simple as that. It will take time. Now you are not fully aware of the damage you have suffered. You are confused, hurt, and your vision of reality is distorted. This is the truth. But you will regain what you now crave-your PEACE, the peace you have lost with this jerk. Baby he does not love you. A psychic will suck you all the money you have left, or maybe will tell you a ridicule part of the truth, but the psychic, you and all of us know that he does not love you, he never loved you and he never will love you. Accepting this is the only way to get your dignity back. Chin up. Because he does not love the bimbo, he will never love anyone in his miserable life, You have the tools for loving and being loved. He does not. He will never suffer. Only no contact will irrritate him, but it will save you. Run girl, you can do it. Do not waste your time anymore. You are alive you are free. You have a future. You can study, you can travel, you cal learn, live and love. Yes, without him. It will be bautiful. Save your life. You will help other women along the way. It will not have been useless. Tak your dignity back NOW. We all understand where you are and how it hurts. We survived. You will survive too. And you will be thriving.
Aug 12 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Mariline,

I love that comment about living, learning, travel, and helping other women. This may sound self serving, but I have a real need to know that by being here that I can help at least one sister get out of the same hell that I went through. There has to be a reason why I went through what I did with the N. That is still a question that I feel will never be answered fully, but if its God's plan so be it. Because even though I cannot predict what will happen in anyone on this boards life, statistically speaking, there are women who never get out and recover from this. Iv'e seen it first hand. I sincerely hope this is not one of you. These a-holes are just not worth it.
Aug 12 - 1PM
Lim
Lim's picture

You are not alone

I, too, broke the NC rule yesterday by answering his email (trust me, I wasn't very nice). We are at a very vulnerable stage and you are far from a jerk. They know how to manipulate our minds and our hearts and they continue to do it even after they are through with us. Keep reading. Keep having faith. There is a lot of support here and we need to seek the strength of this site to guide us.
Aug 12 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
alma25
alma25's picture

ACgirl

I also broke NC. I did it after one year of not responding to his messages, calls etc. Just like you I was waiting for his answer going crazy. I was at work when I received it. He hurt me. He hurt me so bad, that I went to the bathroom and just started crying and shaking like a little girl.But I went through this.I did it. I've got this website, I've got friends, work but what is the most important I've got myself and each day I'm stronger. I'm not telling that I feel safe in 100% but every day I fight for it.It's a fight but every day you become stronger and better.It's not your fault. You didn't lose your dignity. He wants to take it from you but he can't. A few days ago someone told me: you must went through something very difficult because you look and behave like a very strong woman. You're so fragile and at the same time so strong. For the first time I felt proud of myself. You'll have a beautiful life and everyone who'll share your life with you will be very lucky. It will be beautiful because you're special, you're beautiful. Nobody can take it from you. He won't have it. He can't.
Aug 12 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Good for you Alma, good for

Good for you Alma, good for you.

almostlydia

Aug 12 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Janet
Janet's picture

A few days ago someone told

A few days ago someone told me: you must went through something very difficult because you look and behave like a very strong woman. You're so fragile and at the same time so strong. For the first time I felt proud of myself. That is a really nice compliment! Take it to heart. Good for you. Peace. J

Peace. J