Why Am I such a fool over this N? I broke NC
Why Am I such a fool over this N? I broke NC
I need your help ladies. I feel so sad and sick inside and yet, I know better. I haven't been on this site in about 2 mos or so. I thought I had a handle on this N thing. In brief, I have been with this N for about 5 years, on and off. The on and off part is what I now know has supply, D&D, etc. He kept coming back to me, and I kept letting him. I didn't even know that the word "Narc" existed. Anyway, I found this website this past March and it was my "ha-ha" moment. The entire relationship with this Narc suddenly became an "Ha-ha" moment. I met the Narc when I was having problems with my husband (typical, right?). I guess the Narc knew that he could prey on me. Then, I filed for divorce two years ago.
Anyway, I started NC on May 7th. I was going through a lot of strain with my family. My mother was very ill and I was out of sorts. So, when I thought that N was cheating again, I lost it. It ended badly. And even though I knew he was a jerk, I still felt regret that it ended badly. So, on July 5th I wrote him a letter saying that I was sorry that it ended so bad. The reason why I did that, (and please don't laugh)was because a well known psychic told me in a reading that the N still loved me and wanted to come back. Okay, are you all done laughing? ;-). Okay, so being a fool, and still having feelings for the jerk, I took that as my cue to email him. Well, as soon as I did, he kept texting me and emailing etc. The texts and emails were playful and a little sexy at times. Last week he asked if he could have lunch with me. I told him I was busy with work, even though I wasn't. He then said..."Okay, maybe we can get together sometime". But he never gave an actual day.
It is obvious that he has tons of supply because he is not all loving, etc like he is when he wants to rope me back in. I feel so hurt, foolish, like an idiot, etc. This is a man who two years ago told me I was his soul mate and that he wanted to marry me. This is a man who said that he wanted to have children with me, etc. Even this past April, he sent me cards telling me he loved me and didn't want to loose me, and as soon as I came back, he went back to the bimbo he has been seeing this past year. He is an emotional yo-yo.
And why on earth am I still crying over this man? I am so angry at myself as I write this. I want to scream. He goes out of town alot because of his work. He just sent me an email saying he couldn't answer my text message the other day because of an early wake up call, but he was thinking about "my sexy shoes...ummmmmm". That is all he said. He hasn't been home in a week because he travels, so when he gets home he will see that I sent him a cute card, which I now regret.
I don't know what to do. Don't laugh at me, but part of the reason I think I contacted him was that I didn't want it to end badly. I wanted him to suffer with the thought that he made a mistake by chasing after these bimbo OW. I'm sorry to call them that, but they seem like that to me. I have a great career, kind of prestigious, and I have been told I look pretty good. And yet, he runs away from me to these women who have no money and are takers. I don't get it.
Sorry for rambling on. I need help. I feel like a jerk. A part of me wants to write to him and tell him that I can't be "just friends" with him, and to please not contact me. And the other part wonders what would be the best way to make him suffer. I must make a confession, when I just read his email I was shaking. I was so scared to read what he would say. Why? Why do I still care knowing that he is no good for me? I just don't understand. Sometimes I keep thinking about how good it was between me and him once, and I hunger like a drug for those days. Then I look at my journaling and see how much he lied to me. I just don't understand myself. I don't know what to do. I cry a lot these days. I am so confused with all the emotions in me.
What is the best way to back out of this in a way that makes me retain whatever shred of dignity I may have left? Is there a way I can play the game back and keep him stringing? I want him to suffer. And finally, how do I resolve all this pain in me? I just don't get it. I have read so many of your stories, and it is uncanny how similar they all are. I feel blessed that you ladies are out there and that I found Lisa and this website. We are really helping each other. Bless you all. I love you. Acgirl