Did he ever really love me..??

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#1 Jul 17 - 12PM
betty2020
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Did he ever really love me..??

Jul 18 - 4PM
Lauren
Lauren's picture

My family

I just can't tell them. My sister has always been Miss Perfect and she will tell everyone what an idiot I am. I don't even know how to contact his wife, because I have no idea where she lives. He had an apartment, but now I wonder if it was even his apartment. It just makes me sick when I start thinking about all of it. The worse part of all was when I confronted him he just acted like it was no big thing, and of course the wedding was off, but we could just go on dating. He said he didn't see why I was making such a big deal out of it. WTH?
Jul 18 - 9PM (Reply to #48)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

That's terrible!

First of all-DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!!! He was the liar. You were horribly betrayed. Thank goodness you didn't tie the knot... that would've been humiliating. It made me sick when I declared love to my ex-Psychopath professor, he D&D'd and publicly humiliated me, then to top it all of... I met his girlfriend, whom he had NEVER MENTIONED. A curator from Los Angeles. I was so upset, angry, and confused, I went to bed in tears that night. I was in love with a man who was already taken. When I confronted him with "if you told me you already had a girlfriend, you would've spared me a lot of pain",his response was the cowardly "you put me in an awkward position." That's when I began very cold, calm, and clinical with him. I told him to his face that he flaunted his girlfriend- and kept me in ignorance about her- in order to embarrass me. He didn't know how to respond to that, except with the equally cowardly "it shouldn't matter to you that I already have a girlfriend." He hoovered me AFTER I met the girlfriend, but I put him on NC. He was gonna have to find supply elsewhere... after 4 years of concerts, lunches, lectures (i.e. supply) from me.
Jul 18 - 5PM (Reply to #47)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

They take 'callous' to whole

They take 'callous' to whole new level. It is part of their program. So sorry, but understand the sister thing. It is what we all face in this, the ignorance of others and the 'must be something wrong with you' accusations, either verbal or assumed. And after what you have been thru you deserve a big WTF of which we are not shy about using quite often here as it suits our situations so entirely. Continue to read you may have a lot of AHA moments. There is much great support here - use it as often as you need too. Much strength to you. You will get through it and be the stronger for it.

almostlydia

Jul 18 - 3PM
Lauren
Lauren's picture

Reading these stories

I am shocked that there are so many of these men out there. I feel so bad for everyone here, but it is nice to finally talk about it some. My parents and sister would never let me live it down if they knew I had dated a married man not to mention got engaged to one. We were even looking at houses. After it all blew up he still wanted us to date! I know I should be angry with him instead of with myself, but I can't seem to get past the guilt and shame of this whole thing. I just thank God this didn't happen to me in the small town I am from or I would never live it down.
Jul 18 - 6PM (Reply to #45)
better off
better off's picture

But remember, you didn't

But remember, you didn't KNOW he was married, and neither did anyone you work with! Apparently he had gone so far as to pretend to live in his own apartment. Seems like he went to a lot of effort to pretend to be single. I understand if you have a family that wouldn't be supportive, but you have done NOTHING wrong. And the fact that he thinks you can still "date" shows how delusional he is. DELUSIONAL. I wonder if you have felt a lot of pressure and blame from your family and perfect sister most of your life then, and it's your tendency to blame yourself. Many of us that are narc victims are that type of person. We are very hard on ourselves, and some of it is from the way we were raised. Narcs like that in people of course, because they LOVE to blame blame blame you for THEIR bad behavior. Right now, your N is probably blaming his wife for his infidelity with you.
Jul 18 - 6PM (Reply to #44)
better off
better off's picture

But remember, you didn't

double post
Jul 18 - 3PM
Lauren
Lauren's picture

I feel so guilty

I feel like this is all my fault. My therapist told me he is a Narcissist. I haven't even told my parents or my sister the real truth. I am too ashamed. As I look back he wasn't ever even really nice to me. I don't think he ever really even liked me, let alone loved me. That makes it really hard to understand. His wife said he had cheated on her lots of times but she seemed shocked about him asking me to marry him. We work in the same business and luckily I hadn't crossed paths with him until recently. I didn't know what to say or do so I just ran.
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #42)
better off
better off's picture

But it is NOT your fault.

But it is NOT your fault. That's how people become victims of narcissists... they trick and trap and fool people. Lots of people. And look at her... she has had this man cheating on her multiple times, and she's still with him. He must be quite persuasive to have her so messed up. Please, keep reading as much as you can about this. Read the other members' stories (under Share Your Story) and you will see the damage these monsters wreak in other people's lives, just ordinary nice people who never saw it coming. It is not your fault and you should NOT feel guilty. Please be gentle with yourself now. And I do understand... I felt like the world's biggest idiot when my world came crashing down. HOW could I have believed him, HOW could I have fallen for it, HOW did I let this happen? But over time, as healing occurred, I realized there is no crime in loving someone, or in believing a person who at first seems to love you. Why would I have assumed this was a gigantic play-acting farce? He was so good at it. He was spending his time in therapists' offices conning THEM. His wife was in therapy trying to learn how to control her jealous "responses." AND HE WAS CHEATING ON HER. They have no mercy, they are ruthless, and they truly have no conscience. A sweet person like yourself could not have been prepared for such a thing.
Jul 18 - 2PM
Lauren
Lauren's picture

His wife

His wife was crying. She thought she was catchig him cheating again. She didn't seem like his type. She was very shy and sort of beaten down. I just wanted to die right there. The only thing that has kept me from going crazy is that I worked with him and no one else knew he was married either as far as I know. I was doing some better until a few weeks ago I saw him. He didn't see me, thank God.
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #40)
better off
better off's picture

Isn't that interesting? Who

Isn't that interesting? Who keeps being married a secret? A predator! The man I met was in the process of a divorce (NOT), and in this group of online friends we had, even the ones we were meeting in real life, he kept it unknown that he was married... he said because he was divorcing soon, he just wanted to keep it quiet instead of getting into the whole thing, and later he could just say he "was divorced." Ha. That was almost 3 years ago, and of course, he's STILL married, even though most people didn't EVER know he was married in the first place.
Jul 18 - 2PM
Lauren
Lauren's picture

What he said to me when I confronted him

I asked him if he had planned to really go through with the wedding. He said he was working on a way of letting me down easy but hadn't come up with anything before I found out. And once he was caught in his lies he sure never talked about getting a divorce. If his wife hadn't followed us and found me I don't know what would have happened. I would like to thank her but I'm sure she hates me. I really had no idea but it sounds so stupid.
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #38)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

she probably doesn't hate

she probably doesn't hate you but has been there before and is so beaten down she doesn't see straight. She may still not know what she is really dealing with. I chased down enough lies and OP's (other people) before I knew the extent of what I was dealing with or had any senses left just to know that something was seriously wrong with this picture and with me to still be here. If it would make you feel better send her a note explaining the situation in detail. She may be clueless. It was a conversation with one of the OP's that set me on the path of searching for info that finally lead me here. In the early days, I hated them too but eventually understood they were as victimized as I was and we all put our hate where it belonged.:) I hope others here will correct me if I'm wrong, but I seriously believe you should tell your parents what really happened so that you don't have to pretend that it was just a fight and a broken engagement. You have been betrayed and victimized by a predator. It is not the same. Being victimized by a narcissist is a traumatizing experience far worse than a broken heart.

almostlydia

Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #37)
better off
better off's picture

It's really mind-boggling,

It's really mind-boggling, isn't it? I wouldn't worry too much if she hates you or not, she is probably reeling from her own dissonance about having her husband planning a wedding with someone else. And she is stuck with him, as hard as your situation is and the grief it is causing you, be glad you aren't her.
Jul 18 - 1PM
Lauren
Lauren's picture

Thank You

It all seems like a nightmare. I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again. I told people we got into a big fight and broke it off but I didn't tell them the fight was about him being already married. I've only told four people ever because I am so ashamed. I am sorry you had one about like mine.
Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #35)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

We all did. They all went

We all did. They all went to the same prep school- Losers Academy. We are all in different stages of dealing with our 'nightmare'. Please read the other stories here. You may easily begin to see the similar threads that run through all our stories. This article that Betty2020 posted was an excellent one as to trying to understand the inconceivable and unimaginable. The best thing you can do to try to cope with the confusion is to get educated and there is so much info here that will help you. Trust is something that eludes me now. I am changed. There is much to be learned from all of this and I assume you are still very young. Mostly understand that it wasn't your fault - there is no second guessing there. I just wonder what the hell he thought he was going to do if the wife had not shown up at your door to tell you. Is it possible he put her up to it? It doesn't really matter now of course, but it crossed my mind:)

almostlydia

Jul 18 - 1PM
Lauren
Lauren's picture

Hello, I am new here

I ask myself this question all the time. Did he ever love me? I had dated the man of my dreams for over a year and was engaged to be married. The dress was bought the invitations were being addressed. Then one night a woman came to my door an told me he was already married to her. When I confronted him at first he told me it was a lie, then said it was no big deal, then said that he had been so in love with me he couldn't bear to tell me the truth. I'm still reeling from this. Everything about him was a lie. I finally figured out he is a Narc. I am so ashamed. I was so stupid. There were red flags everywhere. Therapy hasn't helped me at all. I hate myself for being so stupid.
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Lauren

Welcome to our forum, Lauren. I'm sorry you have to be here, but am glad you found us considering what you have been through. It's just terrible what he has done to you. Please know you did absolutely nothing wrong. You must stop blaming yourself. Read other's stories and you will see you are not alone. This behavior of theirs to dupe and con us happens to all of us, but it is not our fault. It's all about him. Please remember that and know you're not alone. We're here for you. xoxo
Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #32)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

So happy to have you!!!!You

So happy to have you!!!!You have made it to the right place. Your going to be fine honey. Keep coming back to the board...xooxox only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
better off
better off's picture

First of all, you are not

First of all, you are not stupid. NOT AT ALL. These people are good enough to fool psychiatrists, wardens, etc. Please don't blame yourself. How would ANY normal person assume that the man they were ENGAGED to was married?? No one would, because it's INSANE to do something like that, and at first, these people don't show any signs of being insane. No person could reasonably expect such an outcome, and this is one of the problems with trying to recover from such a bizarre betrayal. I mean, how twisted is this? He's going along with a wedding including invitations, and what did he think was going to happen? Was he going to go through with it? Be a bigamist? Or implode it all at the last second? Who knows, he probably doesn't know either, their brains are so dysfunctional (as shown by MRIs) that they can't even conceive of consequences and the future (or the past). There is only Now. What a response when he got caught! It's no big deal? Well, not to him probably. If therapy is going to help you will really have to find a person who is familiar with pathological behavior. Many therapists really don't know much about personality disorders. Perhaps someone else would be better, someone who knows about recovery from this, and knows about PTSD. Don't give up. It takes a long time to recover from pure betrayal.
Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #31)
better off
better off's picture

And thank heavens you didn't

And thank heavens you didn't "marry" him and find out you had an invalid marriage to a bigamist later on. As awful as this is for you, I am so glad you found out in time.
Jul 18 - 1PM (Reply to #28)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Lauren

Glad you found us. I am so sorry for your pain. It broke my heart to read what happened to you - to have such an exciting and happy time in your life ruined in such a horrific way. I remember the exact moment that woman told me my 'beloved' had been coming to see her once or twice a week for 6 yrs (we had been together for 7 yrs at the time) my heart completely stopped as if everything I had ever known in life was a lie. This man that I had spent every day of my life with for 7 yrs, who had adored me equally as I adored him, who was my other half and viceversa, suddenly it all came to an excruciating end. I had nightmares for days of being on the outside of a house looking in the window at 'my man' with his other family. I know you are reeling in anger and confusion. You were betrayed in the worst possible way that I can imagine. I hope you have supportive friends to help you. It will be a long road back to reality but you are not alone. So very sorry for your pain.

almostlydia

Jul 18 - 2PM (Reply to #29)
better off
better off's picture

I used to have dreams like

I used to have dreams like that too... that I was outside his house wandering around, and trying to look inside the window, not like a stalker, but just trying to SEE anything at all that would explain something, so I would know SOMETHING that was happening, because I felt so lost and confused. Like it was all a mystery. And he would come to the window and pull the curtains closed. Ugh, I had forgotten about that. He made me feel like a dog that had been put out back because he didn't want to deal with it. And I'd just wait by the friggin door, until he'd open it again. Glad I got ever that... that is SO NOT ME!
Jul 18 - 2AM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Thanks

Thanks for posting, Betty! I love Kaleah's work!!!
Jul 22 - 9PM (Reply to #26)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

How funny!!

I love Kaleah...she is so good at what she does, has wonderful insight and she is very wise!! xoxo

smileyfacepr

Jul 17 - 11PM
Steph
Steph's picture

wow. I have read alot of

wow. I have read alot of kaleah's articles but somehow missed this one. Love it and completely relate. thanks so much for sharing:)
Jul 18 - 12AM (Reply to #22)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Kaleah's stuff is great

At least for me. I find it to be very helpful, especially with the spiritual and energetic damage we incur due to relationships with narcs. So thankful we can post and talk about Kaleah now. It used to be taboo. Really needed to read this tonight. Thanks for posting betty2020.
Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Your welcome dear, it is my

Your welcome dear, it is my understanding that there will no longer be any form of censorship on this board. We are free to share anything from anyone that pertains to our recovery as long as we give credit to the source. This is America not North Korea and part of our God given right. xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jul 18 - 3PM (Reply to #23)
better off
better off's picture

Why was it taboo? I read a

Why was it taboo? I read a few articles there that were very good. Missing what the problem was? Some personal vendetta or something? I believe that I was psychically connected to my N, and it made things very difficult. It's gone now though.
Jul 17 - 3PM
Bodhi
Bodhi's picture

Love this article

Mine told me after the breakup that he was never in love with me... that it was just an infatuation. When I look back on his past "relationships" they seemed to be based on obsession, not healthy mature love.
Jul 17 - 4PM (Reply to #20)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

He said we were never even friends

After the D&D, I told my ex-Psychopath professor that I thought of him as a friend. I told him I respected the fact he already had a girlfriend, that he was engaged. After all, one of my male friends was engaged at the time and I was happy for him. My ex-P coldly told me "We aren't even friends" (or "I'm not your friend") When I recounted all the personal information he told me-that he was the only professor whose father's name I knew, for example- he referred to himself in the third person, saying it was a case of "the teacher looking human." It was a fake friendship. Luckily, it wasn't a fake romance.