2 weeks NC - constant thoughts of him with another woman.

62 posts / 0 new
Last post
Jul 20 - 10PM (Reply to #34)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

You are so right on!

You are so right on! Everyday of every moment was... is he going to text me today? Maybe a call? (not) Is he with someone else? Is he having another office fling? That's how he cheated on his wife was with this yucky woman at work. Is he thinking of me? Is he mad at me? Can I write him without seeming too needy today? What can I say to him? What can't I say to him to upset him? What is he thinking? This was a full time job! No wonder I feel so darn empty and alone now. I should be thrilled! 8-)
Jul 20 - 2PM (Reply to #32)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

imabloke

Congrats on 5 weeks NC! That's fantastic. Oh, and yes, the boss will get the same treatment for sure. It's just a matter of time.
Jul 20 - 1PM (Reply to #30)
Used
Used's picture

iamabloke

the saying is people who dont learn by there mistakes will keep repeating them, theres your answer, she/he will never ever change when my mother was 83, she was still coming out with the same old crap, b/c she never learned, and never took any responsibilty for anything she done never her fault, so she never learned to change, they are stuck in the abyss, they climb up the sides for a while[when they meet us] then back down they go, good riddance to bad rubbish,
Jul 20 - 1PM (Reply to #29)
Used
Used's picture

the boss

he will be getting excactly the same as you, which is sod all good behavior ,then shit,they repeaT THE SAME OLD SAME OLD SAME OLD, believe me,
Jul 20 - 12PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

the war in our minds, happy1

Sorry, forgot you changed your name! It is "the war in OUR minds--he's not fighting it at all."
Jul 20 - 12PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

sad1

I know, I know, I know. My N is wrinkled, thin, very old looking. Can't actually have intercourse. All sorts of weird things to prevent him from having an exciting, sexual relationship. But every time I think of him it's to picture him in bed with a gorgeous, fun, thirty-year-old states attorney who works out at lunch every day and has no children of her own, so she can just fawn all over his foster child and how wonderful his "father" is. In reality, I think it's quite possible that there's no one at all or perhaps some fat, aging weirdo like himself that he hooks up with for comfort. He used to withhold so much information from me. Once, a couple of months ago, I saw him sitting on his stoop and asked, "What's up?" He said, "Going to dinner." I said, "With whom?" He said, "A friend." Of course, ten minutes later, his friend Robert, who I've known for three years, showed up to go out for sushi with him. I was like, wtf? Did he think that a beautiful woman was going to actually show up instead? Is that why he didn't want to tell me? Or did he want me to THINK a beautiful woman was going to show up instead?
Jul 20 - 2PM (Reply to #26)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

helldweller

I'm so glad you're back on the board. I missed seeing you these past few days. I know exactly what you're talking about with the head games. My N always said stuff like that. Very discreet and none of my business and I was his girlfriend. He never treated me that way though. He would say, I'm going out with a friend just as yours does. It's so weird how these guys have the same textbook sayings. I swear they all took a class. I believe they do this to play with our heads and want us to be jealous and insecure and constantly wondering who they are with and what they are doing. It's all the mind control and I fell for it every time. I guess I can be happy I don't have to deal with that anymore. Thanks for helping me remember this. hugs!
Jul 20 - 12PM (Reply to #25)
Used
Used's picture

sad1

you are spot on when i thought of these woman he went on and on about, i got this picture in my head of leggy models, when his ow let me know they were in a relation ship for three years [i had been friends with him for 4years, and didnt know. the point is i looked at her and thought, never,i wondered why he mention her once, but refered to her as scruff, she looked so scruffy she looked like a bag lady, i then deciced to see what all these other [models ]looked like, well they all had 2 things in common they had him and they were all skanks, i was so shocked at the time, i didnt go out for a week, iwas so depressed, oh and the ow, when i said to him, she is rooten, he said she has her own car, own house and washing machine, all she is is a convience, what a f,,,ing charmer he was, 9months 8days nc and still counting
Jul 20 - 10AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Oh yes, the other women

This is exactly what they bank on, they know how sensitive and vulnerable we are and they hope that jealously and sorrow will get the better of us and we will be so heart sick that we will put all reason aside and forgot all of their past abuse and take them back. They can see from our prior behavior that our need to be top dog again with them as their primary source will over power us and we will once again sucumb to their spell and manipulative control. Yes this is how it can be BEFORE no contact. The difference is that you are in no contact now and I am as well. The power of no contact is that in time it gives us the chance to heal, break that spell, and begin the process of putting the focus back on our own lives and self where it belongs. They are no longer the center of our universe and the longer we stay away the more we begin to clear up and see them for who they really are and see ourselves for who we really are and the thick dark cloud and heavy veil is eventually lifted. I found out after my X went to jail that he had been cheating on me while we were together with a co worker. He was boasting about it to his cell mate among many other horrible things regarding our life together and I was devestated. I cryed hysterically for a couple of days and could not shake the thoughts and feelings of his other woman. This was several weeks ago. I thought I would die of a broken heart. I was also so sick of this man and his abuse that I began to do things differently than before. Instead of keeping it all inside I began to dialog with trusted people and received prayer from my church. This human kindness and support with loving people who helped me to break the soul tie with this man is what began to turn the tide for me. I believe we form unhealthy soul ties with these people and the only way to break the bond is to break the soul tie which gets formed when a man and a women are having sexual relations. I believe this is why the OW hurt us so deeply is because in the heart of a woman when she bonds sexually with a man is a commitment and the notion of him sharing this bond with another woman is almost unbearable. When most women connect with a man in this way the pain of losing him in bed and in our lives especially to another woman sets up a loss of a soul connection which can literally cause the mind, body, and soul deep sickness and sorrow almost unbearable to face. While in this state it appears as though you will never be O.K. again until your mate returns to you and with the narc it sets up the abuse cycle once again. The only way to stop this is to break the soul tie and become a virgin bride again so to speak where his soul is no longer connected to yours. I went through this process with my home group from my church. There is also much about this on the internet as well as in books, "The grief recovery handbook" "Sex and the soul of a women" to name a couple of good books. Also if you find a good therapist or pastor who deals with grief counceling this would be a good start. I have not felt that horrible pain since I did considerable work in this area. This sort of grief and emotional work is usually permanent (meaning you will not be the same with the narc afterwards) and you have to be ready and willing to do it for it to be successful. If deep down inside you still want him back and you still want to remain in the cycle is will most likely be ineffective. I have worked in grief recovery for years and this is one form of recovery which I have seen as extremely effective when one is ready. This cycle is incideous and even with all my experience and training I was still sucked in because there was still a part of me that wanted to believe in fairy tales, he seemed too good to be true and he was. The only reason I got out quicker than some was because I knew where to go and who to talk to in order to break this cycle and even with all of that, it still was at one point nearly impossible for me to break off with this man, so what I am saying is that I empathize with you and how very difficult this process can be. Just know that you too can break this painful cycle with the help of the members on this site and a good grief recovery pastor or therapist. You do not need to remain in this horrific pain if you choose not to do so. I am not saying it will go away over night because it most likely will not but there is help and support out there and if you cannot find anyone I will be happy to talk with you outside of here. Just get my email from Lisa and we can chat on the phone if what I have said resonates with you. I have a buddy on here who I have been able to turn to and like she says, it is so much easier to see in others what you cannot see in yourself. She is great, I already love here dearly. She has been a lifeline in times of temptation and confusion. You are in my prayers and I can see from your posts how much you are trying to rid yourself of this horror. God Bless, Goldie
Jul 20 - 2PM (Reply to #23)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Goldie

I love to read so thank you for the book suggestion. You are so right on! He truly thinks that I'm going to break any day now and run back to him and take whatever he dishes out. I am fighting to remain NC. I'm fighting to not give into this because I'm not happy with or without him so I my as well be happy without him. I do want to break this cycle and would love to chat with you offline sometime. Thank you for offering. happy1
Jul 20 - 10AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

I was you.

I was you. On occasion, I still am you. However. I can tell you at some point you just wont care. Ive gone back and forth with him so much that Ive made myself sick. Like emotionally/physically ill. The one thing Ive learned tho, is that he will NEVER change. He cant. He may act differently on occasion, but thats all an act. Its not real. He will eventually go back to being the same evil prick he was with you. I try to explain it this way....picture someone who has multiple personalitys, well they have the nice guy, the sentive guy, the ahole etc etc.... Everytime he "wants/needs" something he just changes into a new personality. Its pathetic and the more I went back and forth the more I seen it. This new women wont last and if she does (for some strange reason) he will damage her as he did you and on top of that, if she sticks around she has big issues as well. I kno that, because I did/do have those issues. Mine has not moved on to something permanent, but has "moved on" to new victims. He is always trying to get at me or to me. He told me himself he will be a problem for me forever. And even if I get a new man, he will still try and "fuck" me. Nice eh. They are sick people and will never be happy, they just morph threw life as different people, then become depressed with themselves and morph again. Its a vicious circle, try and be happy your not in it.
Jul 20 - 2PM (Reply to #20)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

whatever2009

I'm sorry your N won't leave you alone. I know that's hard but at least you know how sick he is and to stay away. It's sickening how he thinks he can just use you for a booty call. Amazing how these guys really think they are 'GOD'. I had seen exactly what you are saying how they change into what that woman wants or needs. After one of the break ups I read my N's iphone and saw emails to his past woman. He was begging to see her that weekend and telling her how much he loved her. I was shocked and still am because I had to ask his permission basically to be honored with his presence every weekend and he never once told me he loved me because he knew how badly I just wanted to be loved. He told me he would never love me because I'm so insecure and jealous. What a joke he is. I see how they change for every woman and it's sickening to me. I hope you stay NC as I hope too. Thanks!
Jul 21 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

Happy1

Thanks Happy!! Its okay, I just avoid him as much as possible and constantly tell myself what a loser he is. He has no job, no car, no bank account, no morals, no life, no friends (well a few, but just as bad as him) I can go on and on... I think it was just more about me "changing him" and wanting to be the one that made him a better person. So really I was only competeting with myself, and all the people that told me he wouldnt change. The next gf he has will get the worst of him as well, she will end up drained and damaged as well. Unfortunate but very true.
Jul 20 - 9AM
Bodhi
Bodhi's picture

Honestly...

This has been my greatest challenge since the breakup and my ExN quickly got married to his next victim just a few weeks ago. I'm not kidding when I say this shit tore me up for a solid year. Definitely know how heart breaking this is for you. My ExN also did not spare my feelings through the process either. This is probably not the answer you're looking for... but for me it was time and just shifting the focus to myself. Once my emotional attachment to him started to lessen, I began to increasingly see him for who he really is. Over two years later, I am finally accepting the fact that he is disordered and I deserve so much more. And I've accepted the fact that he did not love me. I got it all in theory, but it took me a while to actually accept it and realize I couldn't have made it work without sacrificing too much of myself. What you're going through is terrible... but unfortunately there is no magic pill. You just have to ride this out and let the tears flow. Surround yourself with loved ones. And my personal fave... read every inspiring self help book you can get your hands on! :)
Jul 20 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Bodhi, I know this is the

Bodhi, I know this is the best time for me to be in NC. I don't want to be in this shape when I find a job. I do wish I could find one now so I have that distraction in my life. It's hard not having work. Time is my fear right now. I feel each day is harder because it's making it very final and very real for him to have another woman. I try to push the thoughts out and will continue to push them away. It has been my biggest reason for getting back with him I think. Each time I would go back he would say he dumped her for me or I've dumped so many women for you. Like I should be so appreciative that he did that. Yes, he broke up with me and started dating right away and dumped them for me when we got back together. It's a sick sick game he would play. I would go each time. I would be begging on the sidelines while he was dating and begging for him to come back to me. He would be so very cruel and I guess when he finally had sex with them or something he would forgive ME for him having to run off. I would beg for his forgiveness. Sick and twisted!
Jul 20 - 9AM (Reply to #17)
Bodhi
Bodhi's picture

Happy

Do the hard work now, and it will truly pay off in the end. I know it hurts now, but he is far too toxic for you. As far as distractions... get out there and meet some people! There are so many options. I would suggest looking at meetup.com or craigslist or other such sites for groups that you can join... whether its softball... a stitch and bitch group... a book club... I could go on and on an on... get back in touch with yourself!
Jul 20 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Bodhi

haha! Stitch and bitch group? I would love that but I have a hard time keeping a doctors apt right now and I don't want to talk to people that don't understand for lengths of time. I'm glad to be a part of the Chicago Support Group that is starting up for us. I know I need more distractions than what I have in my life and I will definitely think about it. I have been thinking of getting a cat but that scares me right now too. Another responsibility and I want to get a job first. I do crochet and made my N this beautiful blanket that he has probably ruined now. This all just hurts. Thanks!
Jul 20 - 9AM
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

In my case

When I think of him being with another woman, first I think of them having fun together, and him being all sweet, and I think maybe he'll change for the right woman. This process lasts about five seconds altogether. Then I bust up laughing at the thought of any decent woman wanting to be with someone who's never going to move out of his mom's house, who plats video games in the basement most nights, who's absolutely rigid in his routine, and who acts like a heterosexual but secretly isn't. I don't think it's so much about the next woman. Your problem with your thinking has to do with how you feel about yourself. You're imagining this great life, him being wonderful (which you know he isn't), and this beautiful, wonderful woman who will capture his heart (she doesn't exist, and if she's so great, she isn't going to want to be with him, or he'll eventually cheat on her anyway), and them living happily ever after, which is a big pile of crap. You are definitely letting your imagination get the better of you. Why don't you take some of that energy and focus it into imagining the kind of person YOU want to be? Better yet, take that energy and focus it into BECOMING the person you want to be, or at least loving the person you already are. Your focus should be on you, now, not him. Let me ask you something. If you had to save your son or your ex from drowning, who would you pick? If you had to save yourself or your ex from drowning, who would you pick? Whoever you pick, and I know you'll choose the right situation, focus your energy on THEM. Your son will always be a part of your life. And you are pretty inseparable from yourself, you know? Why aren't you focusing on the people who really matter?
Jul 20 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Ninjagirl

I feel like I'm fighting a war in my body. It's very draining and it's constant. It's hard for me to like myself right now when I'm all consumed with the N. What is he doing right now? Who is he talking to? Who is he dating? These are thoughts I have and I know I need to focus on me. I just feel so worthless right now. I wish I could sleep until this over. He's played too many mind games on me and I have to come to terms with things I know. I don't want him back, I just don't want him with another woman. Silly statement but it's how I feel. thanks for listening and helping. 8-)
Jul 22 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Happy 1

I guess what I'm hearing is that he's started the final de-valuing and you are more than willing to help him finish it. By that I mean you are tricking yourself into thinking that there is indeed this super-hot uber fantasy woman that he will sign his whole life over too, and you don't measure up. Well I can guarantee you its not true. I know I went through this too. But when I got a gander at who my replacement(s)were, I just about threw up in my mouth. So don't let him devalue you anymore. Especially when he isn't even around. Evict him from your head asap. I know its hard, but you gotta give it all your might. If it helps, take a picture you might have of him and cut off his head and paste it onto the body of something else, like a gorilla or a guy in a clown suit or a donkey, whatever works for ya and make copies. stick them on your bathroom mirror, for instance, just for kicks. Anything to make you giggle and fell human again. And to remind you just what a lube-job youre dealing with.
Jul 22 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

shaynasmommy

That made me laugh. I don't have any pics of him in my house, but I will definitely imagine him with a gorilla head. 8-) Thank you!
Jul 20 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
tigger73
tigger73's picture

I'm right there with you

I'm right there with you fighting that same war that is going on in your mind, my mind. I feel EXACTLY what you are feeling. Every word you wrote are my very words. The wonderful part is this, something happened the other night. i can't explain it, but some of my curiousness went away as far as what he's doing, who he is doing.... I am finding that the amt of time when I obscess about him is growing farther apart. I mean, if I was obsessing every min, now it went to every 5 mins, then every 10 mins, and over the past week, it is diminishing so fast. BECAUSE I am realizing how toxic and sick the relationship was. Each day that passes, I am healthier. I am changing. I am going back to my old self. I am GLUED to this site, if I feel insecure or weak, I log on and this is better and cheaper than therapy. This is my therapy and it is working wonders. Time is going to take care of a lot of this. Please know I am with you on this very day, at this very minute. I am going to WILL you some strength today. SOmething else that has worked wonders is I make no eye contact with him. He is becoming dead in my mind. I will always feel sorry for him, but that is also what kept me in an abusive relationship for so long. I can feel that but I dont have to be his victim. And neither do you.
Jul 20 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

tigger73

You give me hope. I hope every day that passes I think of him less and less and care less about who he is with. I am looking forward to that day and will be very happy when I realize it's happened. I'm sorry you still see your N. I guess I'm lucky I have no reason to ever see mine again and hope to stick to that.
Jul 20 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Honey

You can't control what he does. No matter WHAT you do, you can't change that he's essentially a bad person. You can't change him sleeping with someone else. I know it's hard to stop thinking about it right now, but it's wasted energy. It's draining and it's not even producing anything positive. I think you need to start engaging in new activities. Hopefully you'll get your mind off him for a bit, but even if you don't, you have to take positive action. When I finally realized it was completely over, I allowed myself one week to stay at home, think about things, etc. But then I made myself get up, start working out, go back to work, talk to people, you name it. Was it hard? You bet it was! Did I want to do it? Hell no. Did it help? YES. I wish I could take the pain away from you. I wish I could say that in two more weeks you'll feel tons better. You'll have some up times and some down times. Even I still have them, and I'm further along than you are. But I endure the down times and tell myself that it WILL get better. And it always does. But sweetie, it doesn't get better on its own. At some point you have to take action to make your life better, to start getting out there, to focus on yourself, or else it's never going to happen. Self-esteem comes from positive behavior and thoughts. It doesn't happen on its own. And good self-esteem is going to make you realize your own worth and stop caring about what he is or isn't doing. Have you gone to the shelter yet? I haven't been keeping up as much lately because I've been busy at work and with other things. But I really think you need more guidance than we can provide you with right now.
Jul 20 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I know you're right and I

I know you're right and I have to get out there more. I had to cancel the appt I had because my ex-h couldn't watch my son. I have to cancel my therapist today also because my ex-h can't watch my son. I will make my appt. with my therapist later this week. I will try to get up today and do something positive to get my mind off things. 8-) I can't wait for time to fly by though so I can get over this and be done with this pain. Thanks!
Jul 20 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

I'm gonna be Sergeant NinjaGirl now

I want you to get out there and walk for 30 minutes and then report back here! On the double, young lady! Seriously, please, do something that's somewhat physically exerting today, even if you don't want to. I promise it will help. And the entire way, and when you get back home, every time you have a thought about him, I want you to immediately say something nice to yourself. You're going to be saying an awful lot of nice things to yourself today! I also would like to see a list of everything that makes you awesome.
Jul 20 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Ninjagirl, If I say

Ninjagirl, If I say something nice to myself after having a thought of the N then I will be an Narc by end of the day. haha! It's actually a good idea and I will try this today. I promise to go on a long bike ride with my son today to get outside. I cannot think of 1 thing that makes me awesome... sorry! I just can't today. I'm very unhappy with myself today. You're the best ninjagirl! Thanks for being here. happy1
Jul 20 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

That's crap

Everyone is awesome in some ways. Even my ex is good at things. I'll start the list and you can add to it: 1. You're very good at making friends. The people on the other boat like you, your customers like and missed you, etc. 2. You care very much about your son and aren't afraid to go momma bear to protect him. 3. You're in good shape. 4. You're strong - TWO WEEKS NC is nothing to sneeze at! 5. You're intelligent. You write very well and are a very good speller. I know that sounds silly, but good spellers are often the result of people who read a lot, so you clearly do that. 6. You have a heart full of gratitude. I've never seen you fail to thank someone for their words to you. Per my grandmaster, and you can believe or not believe it, the two things in life that lead to happiness are reflection and gratitude, and you possess both those things. Now you have to fill in the rest of the list, because I don't know what else you're talented at.
Jul 20 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

NinjaGirl

I can't believe I feel you know me so well and really have made points I would have never thought of. Thank you! I do love to read by the way. 8-) I love to read about Narcs right now. Thank you so much for saying you see I have reflection and gratitude. I never viewed myself this way and it was very nice to hear. I don't have anything to add this very nice list but when I think of something that I'm awesome at I will. I wish I was awesome at getting over the stupid head. 8-) Thank you NinjaGirl and I did go on a bike ride with my son. Thanks!!!
Jul 20 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
MovinOnUp
MovinOnUp's picture

Happy1

Do you think all those people who were so happy to see you and came bearing gifts when you returned to your hot dog cart are idiots? Remember them? It was less than a week ago and they welcomed you back upon your return because you're awesome and they missed you. I saw that as the universe reaching out to tell you that you're on the right track, you've made the right decision and you are heading toward the light. I'm with Ninja. I think you're an awesome woman and a great mom.