Are Any of You Re-married or Have a Significant Other that is Normal?

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#1 Jul 7 - 8AM
neveragain5
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Are Any of You Re-married or Have a Significant Other that is Normal?

Not to get too personal and if you don't mind...Are there any of you that are currently in a healthy relationship? If so, do you mind sharing a little bit about it and how it is different? How you met them?

I thought this might help those that fear they won't meet a normal person to love, (myself included), and those that are having a hard time seeing how damaging their N is.

Jul 12 - 10AM
outoftheblue
outoftheblue's picture

same guy?

Jenny and Allie - I could not believe when I read your stories - good old FB really threw me for a loop - 14 years later (and happily married with 2 kids to a great, non N guy) he decides to look me up. I had no idea he was a narc but I should have guessed by the first email - that he was still single - which changed when I told him about the above mentioned husband and kids. suddenly he was moving to another country to be with this awesome woman and "never before in his life did he ever think he would feel that way about someone" that he could pick up and move for someone else. since we were in a long distance relationship back in the day, it was a strange comment to say the least! Things got stranger when I saw him again for the first time in 15 years, but that story is too long for this post. While I am sorry that everyone on here has been affected by these evil creatures, I am so grateful to you all for sharing your stories. Before i found this site I thought I was going crazy. Yes I am happy in life, in the scheme of things, the N hasn't done anything but really upset me and make me feel bad. But the pain is real and I could not understand why it affected me so deeply. It really shouldn't matter what this jackass said to me, he is nothing. But the d&d was so unexpected and evil and it shook me to my core. Neveragain, real relationships with non-N's exist and I hope that you and everyone else who have been screwed over or otherwise wronged can let your guard down to find them. My experience was eye-opening, I cant imagine the hell my life would have been if I had actually continued my relationship with him. I just know how awful they can make you feel, just with some choice words, devalued to the bone. A "normal" (wo)man will not do that to you. I wish I had some sage words of wisdom on how to weed these vampires out in the beginning, but I don't. Its a leap of faith, but I think if you look in that person's history, relationships with exes, family and friends, a decent picture may emerge. xo
Jul 9 - 3AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

I was also gona say, that

I was also gona say, that there are degrees on narc-ism! I have a few dysfunctional relationships! All of them are totally different and damaging in completly seperate ways! I think that the more insedious and deep routed the dysfunction in a person the more damage that person causes to those around them! My ex was rich and had history of high achievment, so he had a superiority that he didn't have to work to hard mentally to manifest in the minds of others but my husband lived in sqauts and had flunked school and had no "rated" achievemnebts to speak of and so he is much more dangerous because he has had to be more devious, calculating and manipulitive to make others bend to him!! So there are many factors that control relationship dynamics! Age, career, money and this also has a impact on the narc relationship! While my narc ex and I lived together in bliss I had np idea of his propensity for revenge and attack and so during that time it was the most wonderful relationship I ever had!! So even narc can cover his tracks enuff to appear like the doting loving partner!! Butwat I'm saying is that relationships are tricky at the best of times! Add a little or a lot of narc-ism to the mix and ur set up for distaster!!! It's more a question of "how do I tell these guys or ladies apart?" you can think ur inweded bliss for years and suddenly the ladd or lass can turn around and be an entirly different person! So I think it comes down to us as indaviduals! Know yourself first! Knowing your own mind is the key to recognising feelings that arise in you when inconflict siutation! If I had been savvy enuff to say to myself! "no this feels wrong" I would never have let this most derructive relationship get as far as it did!! Yea, thekey is knowing yourself, knowing your limits and the first signs of abuse on any level have to be addressed!!! X Scuse spelling! On my phone! X
Jul 8 - 10AM
stillsinging
stillsinging's picture

Well I'm married to a man

Well I'm married to a man who is kind and not narcissistic in any way but he's not normal either! he does n't work, leaves it all to me, does n't get anything done, no drive, no ambition even to earn for his family. probably preferable but a hard call!
Jul 8 - 6AM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I would say there is a different.

Not being in a relationship as yet I have witness the different between a normal relationship and an dysfunctional one. My first and only ex wife and I married too young which caused most of our problems. In fact I put more of the blame between us and our divorce on me. Being young foolish and immature didn’t help. But also we had a hard time communicating which again goes back to our young ages. So when we both knew it was time to divorce it was easy (Maybe too easy) simply and no one got hurt (well minimally for there are always hurt in any break up in a relationship). In fact we both just sat down and wrote our own divorce agreement and then got a lawyer to process our paperwork. What the different between a regular relationship and one with a Narc? To me it's like how different it is between the Moon and the Sun. While our Moon is beautiful and amazing to look upon, the Sun will blind you and then burn you up if you get too close... http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 8 - 10AM (Reply to #42)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

James

Great analogy: "To me it's like how different it is between the Moon and the Sun. While our Moon is beautiful and amazing to look upon, the Sun will blind you and then burn you up if you get too close..." So true! Well said.
Jul 9 - 1AM (Reply to #43)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Lisa!

I like this question and often think just how different it is whenever we had or have a normal relationship and compare that too an dysfunctional one. Thanks for all your hard work and this site for it's reaching out and helping so many people. There is another site I visit for men and how their stories too match those here. No matter the sex of the abuser/loser the pathological behavior differs very little. The site is called menwhoareabused.com and the ladies might want to check it out? http://www.menwhoareabused.com/
Jul 9 - 2AM (Reply to #44)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

James

Great, thanks for sharing this link, James!
Jul 8 - 6AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

I was also gona say that for

I was also gona say that for me.. not all men are shits for sure... but how do you know who is who? I say... ALL men are potential narcs until proven otherwise right! I think thats the only way you can look at it, all dates, all events where youre meeting new people, if you are geared up to look out for signs, to read the underlying signals and to respect your innermost instincts then your gona be more alert this time...and then you will be rearly trying hard to take it slow, watch to see if they are running the show or you are.. early on. Does it feel equal or does something not fit? I reckon I will never been driven so away from the things that made 'me' so quickly again. I have to strive to get back what I lost and when I am ready to do so, and when I meet another guy I will strong enuff to deal with the head f**k of dating which with 'nortmal' guys is tricky. Everybofy has bagage. Its discerning the 'normal' baggage from the pathalogical control freaks, who are packing more than there fare share of shit to shovel out in everybody elses lives.. So to me sadly, 'Guilty until proven otherwise..' from now on... x
Jul 7 - 6PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Good male friends

Not too long ago, I've kept in touch with some male friends from college. A couple of months ago, I emailed a friend who graduated a year after me. He was the one who had called out my ex-P, saying that the ex-P was "using me to LOOK human","a jerk" (for not telling me about the OW from LA), and "attracted to me because I looked like a boy." This friend and I... we're still in touch. He's studying law and enjoying some success down in the South. Another friend of mine during the time of the D&D is currently looking for work in Colorado (send him some positive vibes his way) We had a great talk on the phone when I felt tempted to call the ex-P. We caught up on the past several years. A pastor friend of mine recently celebrated his 25th anniversary in the ministry. His celebration was great. Beautiful here in the Wine Country. There ARE decent men out there. Honest, respectful, sweet. The ones who are there when times are tough. There are plenty of trustworthy men. It's just that the ex-P is not part of that elite group.
Jul 7 - 6PM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Time is a healer after all

I hold out hope. I believe fundementally that there are good people out there. My best friend, who lives in Cardiff City is getting married to her bloke this August. They have been togther for eight years. When they met she was probably a lot healthier but she was carrying alot of weight from narc relationship and still not in great shape mentally. She has been in narc relationship for 6 years previous. She got very fat and shrunk away into shell of her true self. She was so confident and beautiful and then he left her ravaged and empty. She is so clever and switched on and he was totally full of shit.. I never liked the guy.... She said to me that she got fat to protect her self from 'feeling' him proplery when he raped her....GROSS... Sicko... She used to try to have sex and watch telly at the same time, so that she could concentrate on the crap on telly to take her mind of the sheer repulsion as he tried to have anal sex with her etc. THIS is too horrid right? Shocking... and I hated him and when she was in it I was devestated for her. She even met him at a paty at my house. I didn't really know him, he came with a friend.. I feel bad for that eternally though.. but now I can forgive myself because she is marrying a great guy next month. He loves her so much and they are very good together. He met her and depsite being over weight and tired out form narc relationship he said he only saw 'her' and how gorgous she was... her warmness and naughty humour won through. she is a a greta laugh. I miss her loads.. AND he was smitten. And he treats her with total admiration and respect. She keeps telliing me now to keep my chin up and to forgive myself becasue she knew only too well how it was to be told constantly by friends and family to leave the pig and how she ignored us all and kept staying with him and his abuse.. She told me how hard it was to get free and reminds me to keep being strong and standing my ground.and that I can be free if I want it.. AND I DO... more than ever now... AND..... SHE SAID "NOT ALL MEN ARE SHITS" And I believe her! xx
Jul 7 - 9PM (Reply to #38)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Vix

I completely agree that there are good men out there. I think it helps to hear the good outcomes of people's lives and stories. My biggest fear is that I will keep repeating this pattern, even though I am aware of all the red flags and I saw this last one pretty quickly. It is almost programmed in me to be attracted to these sickos. Your story of your friend is absolutely amazing! When I was reading it, it made me so sick and mad that she had to go through that suffering. What a wonderful and strong woman she is! Thanks for sharing such an awesome and HAPPY ending! :)
Jul 7 - 3PM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Nope...

But it's early days for me... my now ex was the best and the worst experience i've ever had as a relationship. I think everyone in this site would say the same. I'm only 4 weeks NC and getting better as each day goes by. If i meet someone, and i live in hope, i know i'll be ready. At the moment i'm not. But there's a lot to be said for freedom. I'm enjoying my family, my friends, colleagues at work etc. Enjoying my job and trying to be kind to myself. I have no plans at the moment I'm just taking each day at a time. I found this site and all you guys a salvation actually. I think about her and the past 2.5 years a lot, it's consuming but with NC i'm getting better, i'm thinking about her less and less,she'll become a memory. I am stronger and getting my life back. But before i knew the truth it was HELL! that's the only way to describe it. For us on this site it's about finding closure, so we can move on and find ourself's again.
Jul 7 - 12PM
broken23
broken23's picture

Great Question! After I left

Great Question! After I left my N for the first time (physically abused me). I met someone else and was with him for several years and made a life in a new city. Then the N came back and i left everything to be with him...now im alone but can explain the difference between a good one and a nasty one. Good guy - met at a wedding. if one word people would use to describe him is that he is a nice guy... Some key differences: First and foremost - he believed in god and didnt mock religion. No bad boy appeal to him at all - the needing attention/admiration, he doesnt have to be the life of the party, always going out, showing off, a long dating record of women, drinking, gambling, smoking, porn. Im sure he will look at a hot girl on the beach, drools over angelina jolie and has been to a few bachelor parties. But thats about it. Honest and Hard working - driven, hard worker, has integrity. Doesnt take handouts (never borrowed money from family who is super rich). He has goals that encompass doing good in the world beyond his house/his dream car etc etc. My N is a cheat and exploiter. He would use anyone a child even to get to the top. And he probably wants to be a doctor so he can feel good about himself. Generous - His salary ranged from 30k to now six figures. He NEVER hesitated about money. I was cheap and would say we cant afford it, and he would say if you like it get it because later you may not find it. Even today he will help out MY parents. And he always gives to local church. N never did anything but take. Forget spending on my family. I think one time he reluctantly gave my brother 10 bucks for his cancer relay. Conflict Resolution skills - this one i found to be a major difference. the guy doesnt yell, cuss, scream call me names. he does not insult me. if i insult my self, he always says no...thats not true and builds me up. He doesnt exploit my insecurities. My N would love to stab deeper when i would talk about my weakness. I came to regard this as sense of humor, him belittling me! A problem, it gets resolved to the best of his abilities. i complain "i have no help around the house" he actually does something to fix it. like mondays and wed he would come home early, and the other days work late. It is not the vague mindfuck with the N's where youre wondering so what was the answer? Can apologize - will say sorry, even when there is no need to say sorry. If i ask why he is apologizing for no reason he would say im sorry something is upsetting to you. i thought it was soo annoying. oh boy do i realize the value of this. Empathy - cares if i cry. like a normal person says "whats wrong". cant always fix it but cared. Available/Accountability - he was a consultant...always traveling. never did my mind go where is he? if he doesnt answer his phone, i know he was in a meeting or the bathroom. the phone never mysteriously died or disappeared or there was bad connection. my alone time was alone b/c i didnt worry. with N i was constantly waiting. waiting for the call, waiting to see when he would be home, worrying. Like everyone else said...there was disagreements and fighting, over general crap though...dishes, tv, trash etc not about (ex girlfriends, alcohol, money, commitment). Even in the fights, there was accountability, we had a rule you write down where youre going and when youll be back because its not nice to make somebody worry but you can be alone have your space! I checked one time..he was where he said reading a book at barnes and noble. So basically i left all this, for the N when he came back and said sorry for hitting me and i was the one and he had changed. At first i was cautious and the N had his charm on super high, and I just fell right back into his arms in a few months. Then i started to find my normal guy boring and dull, and lacking a personality. I left normal guy for the N...and well we know how my life went thereafter. Pure hell. I too need to work on why i am so attracted to the jerks, because i know now its not worth it...you cant change them. Sometimes i wonder if i deserve what i got with N because i hurt a good guy.
Jul 7 - 11PM (Reply to #35)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Broken23

First I have to say that you did not deserve a narc!! N's only deserve each other. Is there a way that we can put them all on an island together and let them at each other?! :) Thank you for going into such detail about your experience. I can only think of a couple of normal guys that I dated and I always ended up with what I refer to as "bad boys", because I don't know if they were all N's or not. Normal guys didn't hold that special attraction that I was used to. The bantering was something that i found attractive because it kept me on my toes. What I didn't realize, is that what I considered to be playful teasing, was actually them being serious and condescending. Overtime, I have learned the difference and especially with this last one. He was such an ass!
Jul 7 - 7PM (Reply to #34)
Amy
Amy's picture

this hits home

I too left a nice guy - to get engaged to the N! What was I thinking????? I kick myself on a regular basis for this. :( I was only with him for 3 months, but we never fought, he treated me like a princess, when he thought he hurt my feelings he immediately apologized, etc.... I also dated another nice guy from London in the year in between. It was extremely long distance, but the distraction was good. He and I remain good friends to this very day! I know I can and will find another nice guy. You can too! :-)
Jul 7 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Broken

NO!!!! You did not deserve what you got with N because you hurt a good guy. I've thought that myself and we just can't beat ourselves up like that. Please don't think that. None of us deserved what happened to us. Life is messy. Shit happens that is beyond our control and it has nothing to do with anything. It just happens. The key to our sucess and happiness in life is HOW WE RESPOND to what happens to us. Therein lies the difference. I truly believe our happiness in life is 10% based on what happens to us and 90% based on how we respond to it.
Jul 7 - 10AM
sawthelight
sawthelight's picture

married to a NORMAL guy

I am married to the most normal, wonderful, decent and caring man I have ever known, and I STILL got sucked in by my narcissist neighbor. 4 years ago, I started becoming good "friends" with him, and my husband didn't like it cause he saw right through him. This guy is nothing but a predator, and it took me years to see that he had been brainwashing me. My husband and I decided about a year ago to look up narcissism and everything described this psycho perfectly. I was so blinded even though I AM married to the greatest guy! They are experts at what they do. He sucked me in with all of his charm. Boy do I feel stupid! Anyway, there ARE alot of great guys out there. Don't waste another minute of your time on this freak and loser! sawthelight

sawthelight

Jul 7 - 10AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

neveragain5

I can tell you what it's like to be with a normal man since my XN was the only abnormal one I've ever been with. INTREGITY- he's a man of his word. He's able to support himself financially and not rely on you for financial support. HONESTY- he will be truthful no matter how painful it may be. He will not lie and cheat on you repetitively behind your back. LOYAL- he will stay true to you in good times and in bad. KIND and COMPASSIONATE- he will be there for you, by your side, when you need him or when you're sick. RESPECT- he will respect you by not staring at other women or commenting about their bodies. He will be able to listen to your concerns, change his ways and work on things together. GENTLEMEN- he will put you first above his friends, make love to you, and not use you for their own satisfaction. He will listen to your concerns not go into a rage by verbally and emotionally abusing you. He will not call you names and make you think you are going crazy. Being with a normal man one should feel FREE of CONSTANT worry, anxiety, anger, pain, and irritation. And finally, if he is able to talk about deep issues and try to find resolution in a therapeutic manner then you have yourself a winner. Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars but I think and feel strongly that Psychopaths/Narcissists are from Hell.
Jul 7 - 9PM (Reply to #30)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

"Women are from Venus, Men

"Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars but I think and feel strongly that Psychopaths/Narcissists are from Hell." What an incredible statement! You ladies are so awe-inspiring!
Jul 7 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

enough already

Those are the exact words I use to describe my husband. We've been married 18 years and we are now stronger than ever. I will never betray him again. He would never, never hurt me. he moves mountains for me. He would do anything, and I mean ANYTHING for me......and what did I do? Got sucked in by my high school sweetheart. Why???? He has been after me for years after we were actually a couple and had both gotten married. Always said I was his soulmate and we should have married. I had always refused a deeper relationship with him until Dec. 2008 and then it started.....full blown. Consummated and everything. He was so not worth it. I still can't believe I risked everthing for "S". I remember when "S" said he would do ALMOST anything for me.....wow. I already had my soulmate right by my side. He is the only N I have ever had in my life....thank God! So, yes. real true and honest love is out there. GOOD men are out there. I have learned so much from my stupid mistake. Jennyxoxo
Jul 7 - 11PM (Reply to #25)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Awesomebean

Thanks for sharing! Living is definitely learning! We all make mistakes and I am glad that the outcome was positive for you! :)
Jul 8 - 10AM (Reply to #26)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

Thank you neveragain5!!

Thank you neveragain5!! Life is good....and sweet!
Jul 8 - 10AM (Reply to #27)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Jenny

Congratulations, Jenny! I love it. Your spirit and lust for life are radiating from the screen right now. I'm so happy you have turned this horrible experience into a new-found appreciation for life. Unlike them, WE have the capacity to feel love and joy again. Your story is an inspiration! xoxo
Jul 8 - 11AM (Reply to #28)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

Thank you Lisa! I can't

Thank you Lisa! I can't stress enough that everyone here can have happiness and real love. It takes a lot of strength, but it can be done. This one toxic relationship in my whole life has actually strengthened other relationships I have and has brought about new ones that i wouldn't trade for the world :) Jennyxoxo
Jul 8 - 11AM (Reply to #29)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Jenny

Wonderful to hear. You are a true living, breathing example of how to turn lemons in into lemonade. That which does not kill us only makes us stronger, right?! Thank you for sharing! xoxo
Jul 7 - 6PM (Reply to #20)
Allie
Allie's picture

Our experience is so similar Jenny...

My N was also my high school sweetheart who I could never stop thinking about completely(it's been over 25 years). After he contacted me about 8 months ago through classmates we started an "emotional" email affair that he was intent on making physical, though I did not give in (he was so enraged he went silent for weeks). I have been married for 20 years, and I get the difference now between the N and my loving husband. My husband gets his feelings hurt (his real, emotional feelings) he loves me and I never have any doubt. It isn't as intense or chaotic as it was with the N (even emails with the N were intense) but it wasn't REAL with the N. He is a liar, cheats on his wife repeatedly, contemptuous of almost everyone, and saw me as an object. It was so obvious near the end-and it did end, badly as it always does with an N. I always had consistent good chemistry with my husband, the key word is "consistent" it hasn't always been intense, but it is real, not a fantasy as it was with the N. :)
Jul 7 - 8PM (Reply to #21)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

Wow Allie.....

That is unbelievable! "S" and I were together from '85-'89 then we both married someone else. kept in touch all this time....it got heavy 8 or so years ago, but I refused then to sleep with him. I don't know what happened this time around. We connected on good ole facebook. Things got heavy quick, emotionally and physically, until I ended it because I couldn't handle what I was doing. It wasn't me. I just couldn't be with 2 people at once. It got to the point I was more committed to "S" than my husband. I was ready to make the commitment official and actually leave my husband (excuse me while I puke.....).......that's when I saw him for what he really was. Wouldn't there be something wrong with me if I could've handled it??? I mean, who can really do that, and be ok with it? Who can be ok with being someone's thing on the side? I couldn't, and I'm not sorry for it. I obviously have emotions and choose to feel them and deal with them. What still gets me is that I believed him when he said I was the only one he could ever cheat on his wife with. HAHA! The joke was on me!! I always knew that if there was someone I might have an affair with, it would be him....he was the only other man I ever loved. I wouldn't dream of ever cheating again. Do you feel your N used your past to get you sucked in? I know mine did, and that hurts. He used something was good and beautiful and made it ugly for me now. How I wish we never reconnected. I wish I could be left with good happy memories of my first love.But it's not possible. I don't know what made him turn out this way. Cheating is so easy for him. I thank God we didn't get married and have kids. You described your relationship with your husband as i would. Consistent and REAL!! Hope you are doing well! I am. It's so good to be out of that nightmare. Jennyxoxo
Jul 7 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

Just read your story, Allie....The Notebook!!

yes, yes The Notebook......oh, that was our story too.....we read it together. "It's our story..." puleeze! Did we date the same guy LOL!!
Jul 7 - 9PM (Reply to #23)
Allie
Allie's picture

Lol! It sure sounds like the same guy!

We dated from '84-'89 (on and off with him cheating throughout the entire relationship, lol) I married in '90, and saw him again at our 10 year high school reunion, he had been married only 2 months at that time, but made a point to take me aside at the reunion and tell me how beautiful I still was, I said "Thank you" (I remember how flattered I felt) and he made sure to make intense eye contact like only N's can, and said "No, I mean it, you are so incredibly beautiful" he knew I would remember this, he used to say it when we made love. So like an N, they remember the words that will get to you, but forget everything else about you that matters. Then I didn't hear from him until about 8-9 months ago...same tactics, romantic words...and wow, did I fall for them, lol. At the same time he was telling me how I had always been different to him than "the rest" (yeah, right) he was bragging about the 3 or 4 affairs he since he married. What is it about N's that they feel the insatiable need to brag about their sexual conquests at the same time that they are trying to lure a new supply? It's crazy. Yes, I feel he definitely used our past relationship to lure me deeper into a relationship with him. He knew what to say, he was always looking for what "made me tick" he actually used to use that phrase when we were together as teenagers. When I first found Lisa's site I thought he was a N, now I know he is a psychopath. He has all the signs, and it is scary to know that I fell for someone like this!
Jul 7 - 11PM (Reply to #24)
broken23
broken23's picture

he was my college sweetheart

he was my college sweetheart instead of highschool but wow they do know how to get to you. i remember i the first night i saw him after 7 years i just wanted to talk and see how he was but he immediately started with the flattery of how hes always loved me, yet at the same time telling me how many other women he had screwed over. what the hell was i thinking?!? im glad to know thats a common trait...to brag about other women while securing you.