How many of your ex's never contacted you again after the D&D?

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#1 Jun 22 - 10AM
hitandrun's picture

How many of your ex's never contacted you again after the D&D?

I see everyone talking about their ex's coming back, or hoovering...whatever you may call it. I might have posted this before, but my brain is not quite right these days.

Mine literally erased me. Never have heard from him again.
I know I will get advice that I'm lucky, but still am having a hard time believing/understanding/reconciling how someone could act like he loved me to the very end and then POOF...gone with the wind.

Need some help. I haven't been doing very well(PMS makes everything 20 times worse) and am going to the doctor today. Just keep thinking I should be gettting better and that I should not want any man who has the capability to treat someone this way. But that is not the case. Brainwashing( I assume) is overriding logic at this point.

Exeriences anyone? Direct me to some link? Help!!!

Jun 12 - 5AM
Sparrow's picture

It's been almost a year since

It's been almost a year since this post. I am curious, have you ever heard from him?
Jun 12 - 2AM
ifinallygotit's picture

my experience

He stopped calling last Sept. He stopped emailing last Nov He stopped texting Dec. 30 He just, emailed, texted and called 9 months later and showed up here in town...I was sure I would never hear from him but you people said I would and I did. I do not know if he cares for me or just did a little Narc sport. I am not healed yet and am too easy on him - he treated me and our relationship very recklessly and coldly after his move. I pretty much folded when he was here - did not sleep with him but was very kind to him after attempting to be tough on the phone - that did not last long.. I don't even know if I want it to be over but he went back and is across the country. I will soon force myself to start dating to break the spell that there is only one man, a dysfunctional toddler, in the universe....good luck to you in your recovery
Jun 12 - 6AM (Reply to #45)
Sparrow's picture

Don't start dating yet.

Don't start dating yet. Replacing him with someone else is not the way to heal. It will only cover up the destruction that he has caused and if and when the next relationship ends, you will just have a bigger mess to recover from. Start doing things for YOU. Things that you always wanted to do but never did. Yoga is a great way to release the negativity in your life at least from your head........join a book club, a gym, volunteer at the local nursing home. It's amazing how many residents have no one to visit them. The joy that you will bring them, you will bring to yourself as well. What all this does for you is gives you purpose. Makes you feel good about yourself. It's amazing how great of a feeling it is to actually like yourself! Just remember, you are a victim of this man, and will continue to be until you decide you have had enough. A good question to ask yourself........"if I was told I only had 6 months to live, what would I do with that 6 months". Live today like it's your last, appreciate the life that you have, and know your value in this world. You are worth your weight in gold and he is worthless. Best of luck to you! Stay strong my friend!
Jun 11 - 10AM
LostandFound's picture

Sadly yes

My exN waited 2 months and called me and told me how all the women he was meeting were nothing compared to me and he wanted me back. We met for dinner and I told him what I needed and he told me he would make sure I could trust him again. He proceeded to change nothing and expected me to learn to just keep him as he was before with no changes. 2 weeks in I dumped him. 2 weeks of complete NC he called me and accused me hacking his email and sending a virus to everyone in his address book. He was too stupid to realise he did it to himself. He then slandered me to anyone and everyone we knew and called our mutual friends many many times to tell them all the things I said about them. My true friends never rang him back and blocked him. There are moments the cognitive dissonance rises up but most of the time I have a smile on my face and glad to be rid of him.
Jun 12 - 6AM (Reply to #43)
Sparrow's picture

Glad to hear it! Good job

Glad to hear it! Good job lostandfound!
Jun 11 - 7AM
greengirl91's picture

Oh, I know how this feel. But

Oh, I know how this feel. But not to worry, if he has the traits of Narcisism he will come back when you expect less. As if nothing happened. Expecting to be loved and taken care of (after all, it`s all about what HE wants and needs right? ) You are just a button on his long schedule of "needs"..until he sucks the life out of you, and passes to the next one. The good news is, you can recover. I know it feels like the end of the world, for many of us it is like a rape of the soul, but it will be better. You will recover, you will find your light within again. But Those people never will. They feed on other people`s light. My ex N did come back, after posting pictures with him and OW, that after throwing "shadows" of idealization as always. Only that this time, I know this cycle too well. Idealization, Withdraw, Devaluation and Discard. And then repeat. If you catch yourself missing him, missing the one you thought he was, remember this: after few moments of heaven idealization, ( the calm before the storm) he will feel you got too close, and will punish you harder, and harder everytime. I know this is exactly what would have happened to me this time, but I thought before him this time. With the help of God and this forum, hopefully we will learn to laugh again! Peace!
Jun 11 - 5AM
Jannie In the Sun
Jannie In the Sun's picture

Conatce after the Split

Mine called one time to volunteer to build my website for my business. I said no thanks. I HAD to. No way was I giving him a chance to 'look good' after he D&D'd me. He knew that I knew he had jumped right back on a loser dating website within a few days of our breakup. He knew how much I loved him and wanted us to work through our problems. So how could he NOT realize that hanging with him as he shopped for a better woman would hurt me deeply? Because he is a Toxic Narcissist and they don't feel empathy! I knew that this was his way of making himself feel better for treating my so poorly. I was also smart enough to remember - I don't want an abusive, sleazy, dishonest, self-centered exN as a friend. NC after that!
Jun 12 - 6AM (Reply to #40)
Sparrow's picture

Janie, I like

Janie, I like for a better woman. God, they are such losers aren't they? And the fact that they feel they have a right to.........disgusting. Glad to hear you are NC with him.......keep up the good work and stay strong!
Jun 10 - 1PM
Deidre40's picture

Mine's still finding new and

Mine's still finding new and 'creative' ways to get to me. lol Soon...carrier pigeon might happen...or let's see. He'll find a way to communicate with me telepathically. lol! He picked the phone up once, to call. Oops...twice. The one time, he said he called me by accident. lol Forgot about that. His MO has been to bait me into calling him. He likes the attention. He lives for the drama. I'm done though. I am truly healing, and don't want any more setbacks. Think of them going silent as speeding up the NC process. I imagine it hurts to be ignored. Completely and utterly. Don't fool yourself though. They hope you call/text them. It's abuse. They are very controlled, and patient people--those who employ silent treatment methods. It's even used in the military--MILITARY SILENCE. So, there is a strategy behind it.
Jun 10 - 12PM
Lobo555's picture

No Contact

CharlieSheenWinning had NewWinningWife to take up his time, so I'm forgotten. I might as well not ever have existed. It's for the best but it hurts. I know how you feel.
Jun 12 - 6AM (Reply to #37)
Sparrow's picture

You are forgotten for now.

You are forgotten for now. Sad how you can be so easily replaced. Feel blessed that you have the knowledge lobo......the new girl may never know and will forever stay in the roller coaster relationship until she has absolutely no self worth at all. And may still never are so blessed.........we can look at the glass half empty or half full, it's our choice.
Jun 10 - 11AM
wacaet's picture

mine contacted me once after

mine contacted me once after I went NC to send a threatening text about how I had caused him to lose his sons by sending his wife an email with all the information I found about him I did not respond, my husband did that was the last time at first when I got here and read about hoovering I was sad that I didn't get hoovered but now I'm very glad because in those first few weeks I would have fallen prey to him again...I wasn't strong enough to resist him until I found this place!
Jun 10 - 10AM
dabussard's picture

Mine has contacted me

Mine contacted me Two weeks after the D&D and vandelism to my truck. I did not respond. Then four weeks later, after we ran into each other at the gas station. It was like seeing me triggered something in that crazy head of his. I responded back and got him drunk and went thru his phone. Hundreds of girls names in the phone. In the 6 weeks or so of NC, he had contacted 30 of them. All, but one told him to drop dead. The one had a one night stand and bascially told him that was all it was... lol... He will sucker her back thou... Since then crazy mind games.. I went NC again a week ago.. Be glad he hasn't contacted you. It will just not be the same. Mine told me he would see me in November... I mean really....
Jun 9 - 7PM
Arwen's picture

Mine contacted me once, and

Mine contacted me once, and in the last six months since the end, I contacted him about four times. He does not contact me. It is the most painful thing I think I have ever been through in a relationship. My G-d do I feel your pain.
Jun 12 - 6AM (Reply to #33)
Sparrow's picture

He purposely doesn't contact

He purposely doesn't contact you.......he wants you to become weak, weak enough to pounce on you and trap you once again. By reaching out to him, it confirms to him that he is in your head and it is only a matter of time........and when that time comes, he has you exactly where he wants you. Don't give him this power! If you normally contact him via email, create a new email address, with his name or resemblance of him..........write your heart out and hit will of course come to you, but that's who you want it to go to. Do not open them for at least 2 weeks..........sit down one night and read what you wrote to him. All of them at once. It's pretty eye opening! Trust me when I tell you, those emails will affect you, they will never affect him. It is a good exercise. good luck!
Jun 9 - 4PM
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hit and Run

Went through EXACTLY the same thing. Mine was my BFF, soul mate, almost a guru figure. I more than loved him. I honest to God worshiped him and almost left my husband for him. After he disappeared I was nearly retching from the grief of it. I can't imagine anything worse, other than the sudden death of an infant. As I was poured my pain out to him in panic stricken emails, I was comforted by the idea that he just wasn't able to leave his wife, though he claimed to be in at best a "cordial" relationship with her. In my mind's eye he was curled into a fetal position, too crestfallen to tell me what he'd chosen. This was tough enough to take, but it made sense--and I started to heal a bit. A couple of weeks after the D and D, though, when I was stronger, I visited an online forum and saw that as I was sending him panicky emails and retching, he was gaily posting about inflation in pre war Weimer Germany! This just did something to my brain. I just kind of snapped a bit. Like WTF? Who does that? What kind of evil twit does something like that? Think about it. He had sent me links to this forum in the past, highlighting something pithy he had written. He had to have known I might look out to see if I could find him there. He wouldn't answer his phone. That's how much he cared. The same man who told me that if anything happened to me, he would have to soldier on through life, in a state worse than death, dumps me for no apparent reason and carries on as if nothing happened!'s been many months, but here is what I think now..and it helps. When they said all those wonderful things to us, they were in character, like an actor. However, one caveat; they take on the role so convincingly that it feels real to them. They are literally "in the moment". They are both lying and not lying, at the same time--kind of like wave particle theory--LOL. We were blindsided by covert narcs, the worst kind. With the overt form, there are more red flags. But the coverts can REALLY get into character. They really live the bullshit. Their hold on reality and their ability to delineate reality and fantasy, as I see it, is very diminished. Of all the personality disorders, these dudes are probably closest to being clinically psychotic or multiple personalities. Their emotions are very close to the surface and shallow. So when YOU are feeling deep connection and genuine love, they are feeling a shallow connection that is maudlin, sentimental, can even call forth real tears. But like reading a sad book or seeing a scary or sad movie, they can turn the TV off or close the book and it goes *poof*. What seemed like a deep stream of love for us, one that paralleled our deep stream for them, turns out to be a very wide, shallow puddle that can evaporate without warning. You WILL be okay. I hope so much what I have learned over the last 7 months benefits you somehow.
Jun 10 - 9AM (Reply to #31)
janine's picture

Shallow feelings

"They are both lying and not lying at the same time." You are dead right. When I started that affair with N he had just left his wife and seemed shattered while naturally blaming her. He was not convincing though because he kept mentioning another woman, a so-called friend. I could tell right away she was more than that. It turned out that this ex-lover had left him at the same time wifey decided she'd not have him back. Figuring this out early on helped me to not get too badly involved (still got too involved), at least I knew what I was dealing with. It must be awful for everyone who had no chance to find out until later. It's just one of countless examples where his pain - I'd rather call it withdrawal from supply - was genuine but mixed with lies and not deep. Because beside me he had another woman a week after both his relationships had failed. Had I been willing he'd have replaced his wife with me and his lover with the other new lady and then yet another and so on. Doesn't it show how shallow they are? Mine was as covert as they can get. Since that sort is dysphoric most of the time they seem to be suffering badly, so you tend to feel sorry for them. One has to remember though they usually cause this state by what they do, they are responsible for it. It's a pleasure for me now to let him deal with whatever mess he creates. Shallow puddle indeed.
Jun 10 - 7AM (Reply to #30)
spinning's picture

Enpsych, ditto for me...

...though at seven months out I'm starting to feel fortunate... I was with the premier actor for six years. SIX YEARS and ERASED OVERNIGHT; he changed his phone number and left the area. POOF! Disappeared...Oh, but first he stroked my head as I fell asleep the night before, told me he loved me and left me a note that said "I love you" with hearts drawn all around it... talk about CD! The sick MF'er tried to kill me! He literally tried to turn me into the zombie that he is. Whatever. IT'S HISTORY NOW. NEVER AGAIN. His loss. Truthfully now, I can almost, almost say the sick psycho freak's brutal, mind-boggling D & D was a gift... Love and light to all who stop here from (not) spinning. I REFUSE TO. CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION HAVE NO PLACE IN MY LIFE.


Jun 9 - 7PM (Reply to #29)
Arwen's picture

This helped me a lot...thank

This helped me a lot...thank you. To see him as an actor who has schizophrenia. Mine I already know is a P. This was a great post idea, and one that needs to be revisited a lot for those of us who have not been hoovered and are reeling wondering why and how.
Jun 9 - 9PM (Reply to #28)
TNR1's picture

So true...

and while we are interpreting their game to be the real depth we desire, they look at our real love as if it is a game...which is why there is oftentimes a lot of miscommunication and misjudgements. I was thinking the other day about my 3 yr old niece, when she doesn't want to talk on the phone anymore she will say "My arm hurts". Now, from an adult perspective, you know she just wants to get off the phone because she is bored or wants to play, but from her perspective, her arm does hurt. It's cute and completely normal for a 3 yr old....completely cruel and devistating from a 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 yr old.
Jun 9 - 2PM
sunshinegirl's picture

just plain discarded

Hey HitandRun, I can totally empathize with your situation. My X hit me out of the blue two days before I was catching a flight to go meet him for a wk...with a short cold hearted break up email..we exchanged two more notes again he was short cold (a totally different person) - saying he "can't give to the relationship anymore".."sorry".."I'm not half the guy you think I am" "you deserve better I'm not worthy" ...last note said "I can't talk, I can't write - I can be nothing of value to you". What in the What? I was shocked! He'd been nothing but completely Mr. Wonderful in every single way - we'd made future plans not only to keep the LDR going but to move closer to one another so we could be together. Then with the click of an email and never a call....he's gone...nothing. It was/is the most difficult thing emotionally that I have ever been through. Because of Nclosure its doubled the pain and made me wonder what in the hell happend? He's so so selfish & cowardly - mean spirited to do something like that. Txts me I love and miss you and can't wait to see - then 2 days later dump me via email and just throw me out like trash. It's unbelieveable to think - that perhaps he never cared for me at all and was only using me to feed his ego - now he's moved on. I'm a 43 yr old smart woman who thought I was a good judge of character...but after this one - I'm rattled. With time it does get better! Keeping busy is key! Get lots of exercise to release negative energys within!! I'm so glad I found this site. To know I'm not alone in this "experience" is a releif and comfort. Unless you've been through it - you just don't understand how devastating it is.
Jun 9 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
Avid's picture


That is typical N behaviour I know with my exn he always would dump/hurt me when I was not expecting it when I was in la la land thinking things were fine and then BAM!
Jun 9 - 3PM (Reply to #22)
Deidre40's picture


was he married?? possibly? i'm sorry this happened to you.
Jun 9 - 3PM (Reply to #23)
sunshinegirl's picture

Just plain discarded

Divorced 36 yrs old - one son. He'd been divorced 2 yrs. He and his xwife split badly - I've heard him really bad mouth her saying how irresponsible, jealous & toxic she was..but now I wonder? maybe he was the one who caused their problems? Who knows? Thanks for your thoughts! :)
Jun 9 - 9PM (Reply to #25)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mine did the same with his

Mine did the same with his soon-to-be ex-wife. Nothing but bad things to say about her and what a crazy bitch she was. And at the end, he told me I was like her. Worst thing he could say to hurt me and he knew it. But whatever I did that reminded him of her, was because of the things he did to both of us. I used to feel sorry for him, now I feel sorry for her. Whatever she did to him, it will never come close to what he did to her and he deserved every bit of it and more.
Jun 9 - 4PM (Reply to #24)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


You can bet it's him and not the wife.
Jun 22 - 10PM
betty2020's picture

As they say, some contact,

As they say, some contact, some dont. Some contact after 30 years. I thought mine wouldn't and when he did i was mortified. He was worse than the day i walked out. It has been devastating and i now know that i would be so much better off if he would never contact again. He claims this is the case now that I put an order of protection on him. I somehow think he will though. Way down the road. It wont even matter. In a few more months i dont think it will matter. Its all about me now.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jun 22 - 9PM
Introspection's picture

: - ( many (((HUGS))) sweetheart...

This has really been a rough week for you. I promise it'll get better and times goes by. I'm afraid what it'll do to you if he decides to contact you? Be prepared and be careful. Take good care!!!
Jun 22 - 7PM
hitandrun's picture

Thank you ladies!

Let me be incredibly immature and say: THEY ALL SUCK!!!!! (the life force out of you.) Leah, I think your ex and mine were cut from the same cloth. The most wonderful men in the world turned stone cold. Unbelievable. I keep beleiving someone is looking after me. I just was really ready to get married for the first time in my life...loved his family, loved him...oh well. Sure he's told them I am some sort of psycho becasue when he pulled his sh*t I went off screaming all sorts of nasty stuff at him...tee-hee : )
Jun 22 - 6PM
Leah2's picture


He used to answer my calls, just repeating "I do not want to be with you; what more do you want me to say?" as the reason for the divorce, which came without discussion! He completely stopped taking calls two months ago. He has not a single time in the four months since leaving initiated contact, despite knowing that I miscarried his baby (we didn't know I was pregnant) just after he left. He responds now with cold emails (if I call or text or email him), the latest one to say that I mean nothing to him and it was a mistake to have gotten married.