broke NC after one month of going strong... feeling angry at myself... embarassed...how do i get back on the horse??

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May 26 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

LOL

too funny masquerades!!!
May 26 - 11AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

littlest...

You get back up, brush yourself off, and start all over again! Don't beat yourself up, so many of us have done it, I did several times in the beginning. I felt 'obligated' to respond to him, part of the brainwashing. So used to being scolded if I didn't comply with his wishes. It takes a while before you can say to yourself, 'who cares what he thinks??' We are naturally compassionate, concerned people but these N's do not deserve any of it. NC is for YOU, to block him so you can think more clearly, see him for what he is, start shedding the romantic ideals and brainwashing. Do ANYTHING next time but respond. Call a friend, go out walking, read your journal with the BAD stuff...that will keep it fresh in your mind of what kind of person he is.
May 26 - 11AM
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

my confusion really lies in

my confusion really lies in my self sabotaging... by mimicking what he used to say or make me feel in our "relationship" * that i am boring * he is interesting * i am ignorant * i didn't deserve or appreciate him * he is somehow above it all, while i am only a meek and of-this-world person * how i "no longer 'inspired'" him, rendering me useless. * my inability to stay firmly on the podium he placed me and to put him on one of his own was the breaking of some unspoken code of "love" now he's "doing better". i am, but only because i am deprogramming. i'm obviously NOT doing that better if i just self sabotaged like this... I AM STILL BRAINWASHED AND IT CAME OUT WHEN I WAS TIPSY. i am FRIGHTENED by myself. i feel like screaming and crying all at once.
May 27 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

littlestbird

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/27/be-yourself-not-what-narcissist-tries-make-you are you in therapy? on any medication? ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 1 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

yes... but...

hi Barbara, yes, I am in therapy... I have been for 3 months now, and will continue for quite some time. i have always had emotional issues since i was a kid; since the 'disillusionment' about N (my 'soul mate'), i have revisited dark places, strong feelings of paranoia and fear about the nature of people and the world. my counselor was the one who suggested he may be an N, and upon researching, it seemed spot on. now, we are wondering if one or both of my parents are Ns as well. i have major codependent tendencies, as well as being a twin to a brother, feeling securely and safely bonded to a man comes naturally to me, i guess (but we have a good relationship, he and i)... i am now on an anti depressant and an anti anxiety, and they seem to be helping, but i have been plunging back into depression recently, and have been sleeping non stop. i guess it's slowly but surely... but now i am having all these wicked nightmares about *him*... him with other women, him in a crowd of people acting gregarious and charming, him just on the side of the street waving to one of his 'friends'...his low, seductive, commanding voice, those feelings of being stepped on carelessly and then being expected to be a rock and stand firmly on a podium, closing my eyes, holding my breath, standing up straight, smiling, looking at him lovingly, after he has hurt my spirits so profoundly, yet brainwashed me to believe i was 'silly' and won't 'let things go'... 'YOU JUST NEED TO BE HAPPY' goes over and over and over and over in my head, those words of his, 'this relationship will be fine once you are just happy'. 'oh..oh..okay'...CONFUSION, DESPAIR, DENIAL OF SELF. the nightmares make me so nervous, i have rolled out of bed. even when i was with the man, when i would sleep in the same bed as him sometimes he was so icy cold that it would freak me out, and i would become anxious in my sleep. i broke a tooth from grinding so badly when i was with him. now i wear a mouth guard at night like it's my religion. oh what to do.... yes, therapy and meds. but oh how lost how lost do i feel. and so futile. and useless. all i want is to feel okay and study for my exam so i can move on with my life and stop wasting my energy thinking about exN or any other men or women (attachments)... i wish that being a super loner was my forte.
Jun 1 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

littlestbird

your soulmate is YOU not another person; he just profiled & targetted you Hang in there it takes a LLOOONNNGGG time have you read Lisa's Book? and WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS? and given them to your therapist to read? ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 1 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

no... i haven't read the books yet, but mean to...

...but just a question, how can a soulmate be yourself? what about true love? does it exist? i am beginning to wonder if a true, deep meaningful connection between myself and another person will ever be possible. i mean, except with myself. that is why i predict i will become a lonely cat lady... i am becoming at peace with the idea, even though when i was younger, it was my worst nightmare. but i like cats...
Jun 1 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

littlestbird

YOU are your own soulmate... YOU Of course you can... stop reading all the cutesy books & listening to the movies & TV nonsense about finding your SOULMATE. YOU ARE YOUR SOULMATE - focus on your relationship with YOURSELF Of course there is LOVE but seeing yourself as INCOMPLETE without "him" is complete and utter B.S. If I were a man I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with an INCOMPLETE person. I wouldn't want to be someone's "Other Half" - that's all B.S. nonsense PREDATORS use to lure you in!!! if you keep focusing on this SOULMATE, OTHER HALF malarkey you will get taken for a ride EVERY SINGLE TIME. Do not LOOK for love!! Live your life and let it FIND you!!!!!!! don't MEAN to - read them!! How's therapy going??? ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 1 - 10PM (Reply to #16)
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

i am sorry...

your style, Barbara, is very intimidating for me. i feel stupid compared to you. that's the truth. what you say makes sense... why didn't i see that long ago?
Jun 1 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

i mean, it's going good... i

i mean, it's going good... i understand what you are saying. i understand there is a lot wrong with me, having sought after this person that was going to make me feel complete (probably in the way my twin brother used to when we were kids)...so exploring all that familial stuff. i know i am messed up, and that it wasn't my fault, but it wasn't just 'him' because i am kind of weak in that way. and, yeah, i am beginning to realize why men and women (i'm bi) don't find me appealing because of that quality of being too intense about the whole love bit... thank you Barbara for your insight and concern. the nature of your responses do intimidate me a little, as they are so commanding. i'm not stupid... but i am vulnerable, you know? i am quite aware of my current situation. i am more or less in shock to realize that, while exN is all those bad things, i am my own bad thing - an underdeveloped person, which is why i am in therapy, and have been for about a decade, only this time it's for real. every week. it's going well, but it sure is emotional, and it does consume a lot of my energy. thank you, again, for your insight. it is all i can do now to try to not be self loathing.
Jun 1 - 11PM (Reply to #14)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Littlestbird

Try imagining yourself another way - even using the name "littlest bird" shows how you accept this version of yourself as small and helpless and put this out there almost as a warning to treat you with kid gloves. What would it feel like for that too change. What would it feel like not to care what people thought but just be set on truly enjoying yourself and doing what you liked? Finding out what your passions - just yours - not related to a man - and pursing them? Try feeling powerful and bigger and different INSIDE yourself - even just for seconds - try it on. Imagine you are ....whoever, Kate Hepburn, Michelle Obama - whoever you get that "strength vibe" from. Then when you have a taste of that feeling even if only through imagination -know that's the place you want to be able to spend more and more time. In you. Focused on you. It doesn't turn you into an egomaniac- in fact, it takes more from other people around you to manage your feeling bad - when you are strong and feeling in your own power, you will have more to give of your own volition to others. Just some random thoughts. The soulmate thing really is a bunch of malarkey that N's use. I think some of us find good strong lasting relationships - but they DO NOT feel like the crap our N's put us through. ANd it also takes a whole person to have a good relationship (soulmate or not). Good luck to you - strongestbird!
Jun 2 - 2AM (Reply to #15)
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

thank you. seriously.

thank you. seriously.
Jun 1 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

littlestbird

I didn't call you stupid I simply drew your attention to something self-loathing... now why is that? something to REALLY discuss with your therapist ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 2 - 2AM (Reply to #12)
littlestbird
littlestbird's picture

i know you didn't call me

i know you didn't call me stupid. that's the point. i easily internalize negative feelings. i *felt* stupid because things you say make so much sense and yet i have spent huge portions of my life living under a different, although subconscious, philosophy. i feel dumb because, the way you put it, it seems so simple; why didn't i see it before? how could i be blind? my self-loathing comes from my inability to forgive myself for all my mistakes. and i don't know why i can't.
Jun 2 - 6AM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

littlestbird

I was brought up by a NarcMother for 43 years I labored under the labels: Freak Ugly Stupid Unloveable Sick Nasty Hateful Once I realized that was what she wanted me to feel and not real... I started to work on it and that affected all my relationships. If my Nmother saw me being powerful & self-assured - she did everything she could to tear that down. I never got any support from her emotionally or mentally ever. In fact, quite the opposite. When I became disabled in 1995 she told my NHusband (whom she got VERY chummy with) to 'leave me' because 'now she's useless to you.' Yes, my own MOTHER. I am glad you find my words simple & truthful. Until you grasp that you were HYPNOTIZED, BRAINWASHED and MANIPULATED to feel this way you won't get better. None of us were stupid... we were targeted & lured and MIND CONTROLLED. We did nothing wrong. NOTHING. therapy should help you see that it wasn't you in any way. It should help you break the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 26 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Oh heck we have all done it

Oh heck we have all done it , dont be hard on your self . What you gave him was a platform for him to get a bit of suply from you , he loved it ! That coldness he gave you is all they will give unless they dicide its time for the hover , then the charm kicks in .Just go no contact again , chin up . I got rid of his number so i couldnt text him even if i did get sloshed , which sometimes i do lol . Scoop x
May 26 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

littlestbird

just start NC again NOW and how is therapy going for you? ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 27 - 2AM (Reply to #3)
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Littlestbird, these Ns are all alike

I know what you are going through. I am going through it right now. When I read the text your N sent back to you it made me cringe bc I have gotten texts JUST like that from my N. I wrote him a heart felt email last week when I broke NC and instead of responding to my email he sent me a text that just said "Got your email, Thanks" Thanks??? WTF. I just poured my heart out and that idiot just says...Thanks!! He also knows that my mother is not doing well and his text said..."Sorry about all the drama with your mom". Drama with my mom???? Are you kidding me? These guys are heartless. Anyway, I understand so well what you are going through. I go from crying to feeling angry and to feeling numb. But tonight, after reading all these posts I feel that I should thank my lucky stars that I discovered he was a Narc. I went through hell with this jerk and for WHAT? He was so cheap, even though he had money. We need to be strong Littlesbird. We need to look at our list everyday of things they did bad. We need to remember all that bad stuff, bc it out weights the good stuff. When we see that, we will remember that these men are bad. I have that list near my bed. When ever I start to feel sad, I remember all the lies, and the hurt this man has caused me. Lets both stay on course with that. These men don't deserve us at all. We should feel lucky lucky lucky.