2 weeks, NC, but I feel like telling him off

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#1 May 17 - 8PM
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

2 weeks, NC, but I feel like telling him off

My N sent me an email last week. I still haven't read it. I got advice from you all last week saying not to read it, so I haven't. But I feel angry at him inside and want to tell him why I am not in contact with him.

He said in the subject line of the email "What Happened??". You see, the last call I made to him 2 weeks ago, I told him it was over and to not contact me again. But he did. He sent me that email which I haven't read. I also said in my last email to him that I felt he was flying across country to see the OW, so I told him that I was giving up on us. But somehow now, I feel like it is wrong to ignore someone and I am struggling with the desire to tell him why I need to let go of this BS.

Would it be so wrong of me to write to him? I guess I already know the answer, but I think I need to hear it from you. I feel like I am at a AA meeting and need help to keep me from taking another drink.

I guess I don't really understand these Ns.

May 21 - 11PM
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Cool!

This is bumped up from end of thread: Let's do this thing! Let's "Tawk"! I just learned today about a documentary on Psychopaths from a Australian film maker who followed N guru and self-admitted psycho/N himself SAM VAKNIN around - I will send you the link via email. I think our niche would be discussing not the damage they do in society (as his docu does apparently) but the havoc they wreak in relationships. The stuff we talk about on this forum. (We should be in contact with him though probably). People just don't know about it! and NArcNarc is one we interview - hers is a classic case! We have so mcuh to talk about! Yes you should be in therapy -as Barbara talks about - if you have had an up close brush with these types it leaves you with PTSD and just emotionally and cognitively messed up, confused, damaged. It's NOT that there is anything inherently wrong with you that you have a hard time "getting over it" - it is typical no matter what your background. You need to find a therapist who UNDERSTANDS N's and their MO and the wake of the damage. B can send you referral links. I also know some good therapists in LA. I actually practiced down there - I have a degree in psychology - so know the lay of the land there. Cognitive dissonance is what happens to you when you are trying to hold two contradictory states or sets of information in your head at once. You cant hold them both at once - they are dissonant. Like when you know smoking kills but you smoke. You either need to quit smoking OR you decide smoking is not that bad or won't hurt YOU. It's like that with N's -we are so brainwashed and conditioned by them to have these strong attachments to them (we think they are our soulmates)- yet they do things that send up red flags and tell us they are bad for us (like yours chasing bimbos). If we stay we decide they'e not so bad and WE are the problem - we are not loving enough, we complain too much, we are not sexy enough etc. etc. They then reinforce those things. Even when we leave we have these feelings we've been conditioned to by them- the longing, the fantasy of the perfect soulmate connection etc and they remain despite the fact we have this whole other body of growing information that they are Assholes and don't care about us at all, in fact enjoy hurting us. And the conditioning is so strong with them our bodies change chemically and we have whole set of bonding hormones enhanced by stress etc (WAY MORE of this happens than in non-pathological relationships). It's at tough predicament and we often fall back into the fantasy and the "oh its not so bad, or its just me" thing to makes sense of our overwhelming attachment feelings so when they come back knocking on our door we "try again". It's not like a regular break-up in other words! Barbara will direct you to posts on cognitive dissonance - look through the blog on the left side. Will email you later!
May 22 - 1PM (Reply to #46)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Wow Wallaby

This post was amazing. Love this part..... you really worded this beautifully! "Even when we leave we have these feelings we've been conditioned to by them- the longing, the fantasy of the perfect soulmate connection etc and they remain despite the fact we have this WHOLE OTHER BODY OF GROWING INFORMATION that they are Assholes and don't care about us at all, in fact enjoy hurting us. And the conditioning is so strong with them our bodies change chemically and we have whole set of bonding hormones enhanced by stress etc (WAY MORE of this happens than in non-pathological relationships). It's at tough predicament and we often fall back into the fantasy and the "oh its not so bad, or its just me" thing to makes sense of our overwhelming attachment feelings so when they come back knocking on our door we "try again". I have been seriously messed up with cognitive dissonance for years, even with 2 years of therapy. I have been going to Christian marriage counselors....but probably need to try a different kind of therapist. The links that Barbara provided had known in my area...
May 19 - 12AM
azucar
azucar's picture

The only way is NC

Taking the analogy of the AA meeting further: would taking that drink if you were an alcoholic be wrong? Here is the thing, nothing you say to the N is going to give you any sort of closure or respect/truly seen the error of his ways/or understand how much he has taken from you. He lacks any sort of empathy and would actually not understand! He'll never understand even if ou spell it out for him why you need to be away from him. If he was that kind of a human being, you would not feel the need to resort to NC in the first place. These sort of feelings, to clarify, to shout out, especially only two weeks in is completely normal...so vent here and see a therapist if you can. Throwing him even one crumb of communication/attention will tell him that on some level even though you say you dont want to talk to him, you want to. And he will not repsect NC (actually he might not anyway)in the future. Any sort of communication will cost you, even just telling an N off~ and lord knows he deserves it, and I learned that the hard way. Resist :)
May 18 - 7AM
bubbles
bubbles's picture

Please don't suffer like I did!

Dear ACgirl, Its hard isn't it.. Please know that we are all here for you and truely understand the feelings that you are experiencing. (Actually HARD isn't the word) Its excruciatingly painful, debilitating and I liken it to a feeling of being bereft.. in limbo and I am so sorry. I, like you received an email last year but 1 year to the day of no contact which he put in place.I never blocked him nor changed my addy and my feelings soared,I felt alive then anxious and THOUGHT I was the 'happiest girl' in the world! Why... after a year he had MAYBE come to his senses? (Please read Bubbles Story) However, I did read the email he sent ( Hi Bubbles, how are you? ) and I had not found this site at that time not knowing that I should have run for the hills! The emotional torment I've stated above was even worse and it doesn't really end there by reading his email.. does it? Before you know it... what you are feeling by wanting to read his 'What Happened?', will be followed by the immense 'Should I reply' feeling and that will be an agony and I guarantee will put you on the path to emotional self destruct! I replied to my XN and we met up, like everyone on here knows... you will be set back something chronic ( I was, by over a year )and still I suffer terribly from it all. I'm sure you have been advised to Delete it, Block him and delete your old addy... I wish I had! Now 6 months and 5 days NC today and after a whole years NC before that, I still struggle with thoughts of what ifs, could haves and should haves and I can only put my hand on my broken ( but not so shattered now ) heart, that day by day...it does get better.. I know that you feel like youre the only one in the world who feels like you do. YOU, ME and EVERYONE else here. 1 Love Bubbles
May 18 - 12AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

NC

I felt bad for a long time ignoring his txts and calls.I blocked his emails as that was too tempting. But please believe that it'll bring you so much grief if u reply and break NC. The feeling of anger and resentment after u go NC is worse than the feeling u have from ignoring him. Each time I broke NC last year, I regretted it and felt worse.They are a bad habit to break, and going NC for months will enable you to see things more clearly. It has brought me more peace each day.
May 17 - 11PM
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Go ahead and tell him off!

Go ahead and tell him off! Just do it on here. :)
May 17 - 11PM
broken23
broken23's picture

Ac Girl you could respond to

Ac Girl you could respond to what happens but he knows. and then you know what there would be another email. and then comes the BS and then you get suckered in because just like a Alcoholic we think whats one drink!! "i feel like its wrong to ignore someone" thats because you have feelings. but it is not wrong to ignore someone who lied and cheated on you. i have been down that road. at times when i wouldnt respond he literally would send me emails saying his mom is in the hospital. i mean what kind of a person would i be if i didnt return that call...that is what i told myself. today...i wouldnt respond and think where were you when i was in the hospital. its a one way street of using you because you will stroke his ego
May 17 - 8PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

ACgirl stay away from that creep, don't respond to his texts

He is trying to lure you in, prove you weak, have control over you. It is sooooo tempting to want to fight back. OMG it is so difficult to just go NC...you HAVE to.. It is the ONLY way. You can NEVER win a power stuggle with a Narc, don't enter into one. They will always twist and turn things, so whatever you say will be thrown back in your face and you will keep up the same cycle..and get no where. Work on your NC skills. Read. Turn off the phone. Go for a walk.. Text someone new...go for a walk,,it takes work to be strong, you will love it when you get NC, and feel your strength, and for doing the right things. You need to get firm about your decision, and you need to stop yourself.. Talk to people here about it, they have experience...
May 17 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Thanks Amazed

Your email really helped. You really hit it on the nose. They do like to twist and turn things. He has done that in the past with me and thrown in back in my face. I am just realizing now how stupid of him to ask .. "What Happened??" He knows darn well what happened. That is just his way of twisting and turning things once again. You are so right. I will never win that power struggle. Let me ask you this, when we don't respond, does that get their goat? I hate to sound vindictive, but would it bother them if we don't respond? Does it mess with their minds?
May 17 - 10PM (Reply to #36)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

acgirl

I think it momentarily annoys them, since their only emotion pretty much IS anger/rage. I think that's about all you can hope for. My exN pursued me for months without a word from me. He was like a kid who wanted his 'toy' back, but nobody would give it to him. They just don't get how we are not responding to such an AWESOME person such as themselves, and they'll likely quickly blame shift. They'll say we're effed up, as if we are the ones with the problem. King N can do no wrong!
May 22 - 1PM (Reply to #37)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

acgirl

I'm late to respond to this... but quietude is right... the only feeling he will have by you not responding is anger that you would not bow to the all mighty king and that he doesn't have complete control over you. This is definitely the sense I've gotten from my N. That I was disrespecting him and disobedient by not responding... not that he was "hurt" that I was ignoring him. Or that he missed me. I was just not "following the rules".
May 22 - 1PM (Reply to #38)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Ah yes i have had 3 indirect

Ah yes i have had 3 indirect contact with him , he got his best friend to phone me while he was there , then he turned up at my house with his friend and then yesterday a text message inviting me to a meeting he is holding . So i chated to my friend and told her and she doesnt know anything about psycopaths but she put it very simply she said " he knows now you wont go back so he is trying every trick in the book to see you , and you know why Scoop ? because he has lost control of you " and i thought yes thats it he has lost control of me , when people ask does he hurt with no contct the answer is YES its like a kick in the balls , it doesnt happen over night it is a slow dawning to them that they cant control you , it readresses the power , stick with it ACgirl and you will see the fruits of your labour Scoop x
May 22 - 2PM (Reply to #39)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Controlling

Funny Scoop.... it is weird how they react. When I told him I needed him to leave the company last fall (because I found out he had betrayed our relationship and caught him lying many, many times), he raged at me, wrote me hateful emails, had hate in his eyes, and like a normal person I thought he would eventually calm down, try to move on, feel guilt in the way he had treated me, and then start to miss me and our "beautiful" relationship. But he would keep coming back, at least once/week for several months and would just start raging at me again about....whatever.... certainly nothing that warranted that response. For instance, he would send me an email and ask if I needed his help with something specific. I would ignore the email. He would send a more hateful one and rage. I would ignore. He would show up at the business and say "you are certainly not too busy to answer my emails - I at least deserve a response!!!". So it was like, over time, the realization of him not being in control of me sunk it, and made him more and more angry. He didn't MISS ME AS A HUMAN BEING THAT HE CARED FOR. He MISSED not CONTROLLING ME AS THE OBJECT THAT HE OWNED. That was a very strange feeling when I realized that. Thank God for this board and being able to relate to people who have experienced the same strange feelings...
May 17 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

It was always back in HIS face

MY N would always say, "I don't tell you my feelings because you throw everything back in my face." Example: He told me he was building his new house for my daughters and me, and then it was done, and the lease was up on my apartment. I said, so . . . when can we move in? He didn't answer. When it was clear he didn't want us there anymore, I said, "You said you were BUILDING it for us!" He said, "See? You throw everything back in my face!"
May 17 - 11PM (Reply to #32)
better off
better off's picture

Holding him to his own word?

Holding him to his own word? That's throwing it in his face? Reminding him of his OWN promise he made all by himself. WHAT a total asshole.
May 22 - 1PM (Reply to #33)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Words in my mouth

Mine does the same thing. If I remind him of something pretty radical that he said, he would say "I don't appreciate it when someone puts words in my mouth!" and rages about it as if he never said it. It was very wierd!
May 22 - 9PM (Reply to #34)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Selective memory

My ex-N once got angry at me (early on), saying, "You remember EVERYTHING I say!" Ns and Ps love amnesia, and their amnesia is selective. I would recount to him how he behaved, what he said--and his response would be word salad,going from "I'm human","I'm a nice guy" to the Narc favorite about "filling a role." I had to remind him that this was REAL LIFE, not a drama. He didn't like it that I have a good memory.
May 23 - 12AM (Reply to #35)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

narcs and the truth

when Psycho-Boy REALLY went postal on me? after the blow up? was when he found out: 1. I had gone to law enforcement 2. that my ex-husband had hacked off ALLLL our chats and I took them to police who VERIFIED them as accurate and unaltered so he couldn't claim I made them up! (he did to his wife, who bought that BS) that's when the threats against myself and my children started that's when posting me as a hooker with my phone number and address on MySpace started that's when he posted this on his blog (since removed but I have it) http://thestumblingblock.wordpress.com/2007/03/15/he-said/ ***** My NMother? My brother and I caught her in a massive lie she'd told each of us about the other. We both confronted her and she raged... threatened harm to me. I had to pack up and go stay with brother until I could get a flight out of "Dodge" The truth - particularly FULL STRENGTH TRUTH and verified facts? Are something they run from. That will always be when they are at their most vicious - when reality and truth crashes in on them. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 17 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
Starting Over.....
Starting Over... and Over's picture

I can so relate...

I can so relate ladies! I've been NC for 4 days! This has happened before. The first and 2nd week are the hardest! I ask myself...this man is mean to you and abusive...why do you accept that? ...I still havnt come up with an answer yet besides I must be a retard! I changed my number this time. This time around he was behaveing decent up until the week before we brike up. But unfortunatly I started to notice the suttle put downs and irritation in him. I knew he was up to his old tricks again and I was just waiting for the mind games that he geniusly used to cause a fight and a break up right before the weekend. Ofcorse Monday came around and he was all over me like flys on sh#@! Long story short I wasnt having it I was sick n tired of all the game! I changed my number. So its been 4 days and I am dying!!! I miss him! Hello?! I know he cheated on me again or maybe it's just his drinking issue's that make it see like that. Anyways thanks for listening ladies and I so nneded hear what u had to say! Love yourselves! ~Starting Over

~ God is Bigger, God is ABLE!

May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #28)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

starting over

Grats on 4 days! Keep reading, you'll understand why we 'accept' it...it's not about that, you're in the N trance...very, very difficult to break from. It took me 3 times after D&D to stick to NC and not be lured into taking him back. YES, the first few weeks are awful. I can't put into words how awful, but people here understand without me having to! Stay the course, it gets better, you will NEVER regret getting and staying away!
May 18 - 11PM (Reply to #29)
Starting Over.....
Starting Over... and Over's picture

Thanks quietude

NEVER regret staying away? Awesome. I reluctantly look forward to the day...though I do look forward to it. I guess I just almost cant believe I will one day never have feelings for him. BTW...what does D&D mean? Love Yourselves ~Starting Over

~ God is Bigger, God is ABLE!

May 18 - 11PM (Reply to #30)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

starting over

Devalue and Discard...terrible stuff. When they're done using us, the devaluing starts...then they throw you away like trash. The pain is unreal, but I don't have to tell you! Barbara has posted some good stuff on it, try some searches in the forums, you'll likely see some threads about it. I know it's hard to see now...but healing happens. I was "in love" early 2009, ready to get married, then my whole world crashed. But I'm still here, and happy he's a distant memory.
May 19 - 12AM (Reply to #31)
Starting Over.....
Starting Over... and Over's picture

Thanks again

Thanks again for your encourageing words and insights! they do help. Devalueing...he tried this last time right before he broke up with me for the weekend. What he didnt know is that I was done with him...and got on a plane and flew across the country. After a week of NC I broked down and spoke with him thinking that maybe just this time he really meant everything he was texting me. I gave it a week of talking on the phone to see if there was any change of any kind but there wasnt so I changed my number, cause I wasnt goping to be made a fool of again...and I was hurt and disappointed. And can u believe Ive doubted my number changing decision being the right thing to do or not. I have actually struggled with feelings that m,aybe I was to hard on him. (I was pretty ugly on the phone with him alot).

~ God is Bigger, God is ABLE!

May 17 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Starting Over, I've asked myself the same questions...

Wow. I just had the same thought. Why did I put up with the BS? Am I stupid or what? That is what I keep asking myself. Why did I keep taking him back after he lied to me and cheated on me? It was so hard to say no to him when he would send me the "I love you" messages and texts. I couldn't resist. But I've been NC for about two weeks and I am dying to email him back and tell him off for all his lies. But the girls on this site have told me to be strong because he will only wrap me back up in his game. So, I keep reading everyone's stories every night to stay strong. But I can't tell you how much I would just love to tell him off and go down a bullet point list of everything I had to put up with. But, unfortunately, it will probably mean nothing to him. It's all so hard to believe. My N would be so in love with me one week, then suddenly, switch gears and go off with someone else. I have NEVER experienced anything like it. So hard to believe and comprehend. I am so proud of you for changing your number. Well done!!
May 19 - 10PM (Reply to #19)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

AC Girl

I SO understand your feeling you need to tell him off! I have composed so many speeches and letters to my ex N Husband and my last N. They are so infuriating! ANd the hardest part is when you still have feelings for them - you know what A**holes they are AND yet you still want to be with them- YIKES! Would drive me crazy - how can I WANT to be with him? There are some good blog articles on this horrible predicament - Cognitive Dissonance. you certainly SHOULD NOT communicate any of your thoughts with him - its only an exercise in frustration as he will not hear or understand anything you write (believe me like most women here I have been through this incredible exercise in frustration by trying to communicate why they are wrong and awful)- and you only satiate his predatory instinct by showing him you are still consumed with him and he IS ON YOUR MIND - this is what they crave. They don't "mind" AT ALL when we are pissed of - they LOVE IT - its their high -evidence of how they have taken over your mind - wow -aren't they special and important that you are so riled up- YUCH! Its like that Larson cartoon with the owner talking to the dog about something and the dog hears "Blah, Blah, Blah, Ginger. Blah, Blah, Blah". He WONT HEAR YOU and you will feed right into his ego. AND you will not feel better - you will feel MORE HOOKED in as any response or non-response from him keeps you connected and consumed and engaged in his predatory game. Also read up on how they brainwash us- there are great blogs/post on here about their methods of brainwashing and inducing trance states and addictions in us - addictions to them...so even though we KNOW they are bad we reach for them. Good for you for coming her e and reading here and restraining yourself - it really is the best way to go! Hang in there!
May 20 - 1AM (Reply to #20)
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Thanks Wallaby... Is that what is meant about Narc Supply?

Thank you so much for what you wrote. I have read about "Narc Supply" but haven't seen much written on it lately. Is that what you meant by how much they love to see us upset? I never read his last email because I am afraid I will get pulled right back into his game. I am going through so much right now that I can't deal with his crazy making. What is wild is that there have been times I tried to explain to him what I meant about his behavior and yet he doesn't seem to get it. Do you think he doesn't get it, or is he just f'ing with me? Do you think by not responding he will get upset that he is not getting his supply? I have been involved with this man for 5 years. What a nightmare I have gone through lately. Thanks again for your great post.
May 20 - 2AM (Reply to #21)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

AC girl

Yes that's what I mean about them loving to see us upset. Narc Supply is all that feeds their ego -attention, praise, adoration or fear, anger etc - any response from another person that shows them how IMPORTANT they are. It's a myth they only seek positive attention like praise - of course they lap that up - but they crave ANY ATTENTION - AKA Supply. It's their drug - their fix - and without it they " Jones" hard and if they go too long they become frantic LIKE A JUNKIE WITH NO DEALER around - see you are his steady reliable but now boring dealer - when NEW supply shows up (i.e. a new bimbo) he doesn't need you - he's getting drugs from the SHINY NEW SOURCE who he gets the thrill of ACQUIRING (they like the thrill of the hunt and the rush of bagging a new "groupie"). In general NEW sources are always better than old sources - but they need to keep the old ones (YOU) around when times are hard.... the NEVER let old supply go - and they show up at your door when they are running low on new supply. Their whole beings are geared to get reactions from others that reflect back to them how amazing/awesome/fearsome/gorgeous etc they are. DONT read his email - you are SO DOING THE RIGHT THING!!! Good for you to be able to see the power and health in this choice so early in your NC. They are masters at luring you back in and keeping you engaged with them - thats why NC IS awful for them as it is a total LACK of supply - NO REACTION. There will be something in that email that will make you crazy in some manner - guaranteed - he may even "fake" apologize which could really screw with you. Or else piss you off etc, SOMETHING that will f with any peace of mind you have been able to achieve. YES he will be upset any getting no response. That is the ONLY thing that will upset him - but truly you need to maintain it for YOUR state of mind - not simply to get to him back (although believe me I have taken great revenge pleasure in knowing NC has impact on them and revel in the revenge fantasy LOL) But it seems you really are doing it to protect your state of mind which should always come first - you know on some level he will knock you off balance and are avoiding it - that is the RIGHT and HEALTHY instinct. Do I think he understands things you ahve said about his behavior? NO. They are so twisted and convoluted and lacking in empathy- they don't get it - and even more importantly they DONT WANT TO GET IT. They have zero interest in looking at themselves in an introspective way. They are HAPPY with the way things are. Addicts are happy when they are high - they are not thinking about quitting or what is "wrong" with them. They are HAPPY with life - high as kites - feeling on top of the world. When drug runs out they look for more. Real drug addicts only choose recovery when they hit rock bottom - but N's have NO ROCK BOTTOM - they spend their lives keeping new supply in their crosshairs and maintain their own delusions of grandiosity to keep the fires stoked at all times. There is no room for or wish for introspection in their minds - everything is someone else's fault -there is no true remorse or understanding - it may be faked if it gets them something they want. Everything is tactical with them. He just wants to keep you on the hook for when he needs you - he wants his steady dealer around and he will figure out the best ways to keep his supply coming from you - he may "fake" understanding at some point - but truly he doesn't give a shit about his behavior. It's like a dealer asking a drug addict to talk about the roots of his addiction - they would say ANY BULLSHIT to get the dealer off their back and get their drug. And - they are so NOT wired like we are - I think most truly do not have a clue about why they do what they do or how normal empathic people operate. Hope this helps - and I am a film writer as well! We should talk about a documentary I am thinking about getting going regarding Narcissism/psychopathy!
May 21 - 12AM (Reply to #22)
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Sounds great Wallaby, a Narc doc

I think that would be a great idea to do a documentary of some kind because can you imagine how many people don't know about this? My God, I was one of them up until very recently. Thanks for writing what you did. I drank up every word. It seems that everynight I go to this thread and other posts on this sight and read everything. That is what is keeping me strong. It is an excellent reminder. What is so bizarre is my denial of it and my putting up with it. I was wondering if I should seek therapy to figure out why I put up with it for so long. What is so weird is that today I drove down the coast and happen to past by a lot of places he and I went to and I cried. So weird to cry for someone who wasn't real. Whew.
May 21 - 1AM (Reply to #23)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

AC Girl - ya I know!

I really didn't know the depths and breadths of it till finding this site a while back (only two or three months ago). I mean, I knew of the diagnosis and I was actively working in therapy on removing myself and distancing and seeing who my my N was for real -not fantasy - but I have accelerated my learning exponentially by being on this website (and I had read books too). You will find too that not only is there a shocking lack of understanding about his topic despite its prevalence - but also a horrible state of affairs with Domestic Violence organizations dealing with women who have been trapped in this type of relationship. Read NarcNarc's post about her experiences with agencies supposedly there to "help" victims- horrifying and they end up blaming the victim. I cried for a LONG time - cried so many f'in tears over that non-human N of mine. Now I look back and I think what a WASTE of my time, energy and emotion. Its funny as I was in LA with my N (where I am from but no longer live there and he lives back east) and we spent a what seemed a "wonderful" weekend in Malibu where he had been given a gorgeous guest house to stay in for the weekend. As was his way though - he ruined it with words that CUT so deeply - and I was SO, SO upset as i drove down PCH- I remember thinking I will NEVER see this coast the same way again - for the first time in my life I had fantasies about just driving off the edge. Last time I was there a few weeks back - I drive it and was FINE! It just shows me how I did heal once I really "got" him and got over believing the fantasy he led me on with had any chance of occurring. I realize now he WILL NEVER be capable of a relationship - this fantasy he held out and lured me with - the we are perfect for each other and "if only I wasn't married" bs... Your guy will NEVER stop messing around. But you are still so close to the fantasy he evoked and cultivated and fed in you to keep you attached. Losing the fantasy relationship you THOUGHT you had is REALLY PAINFUL. SO many tears shed on this board - the missing of them which is even more hard to process as part of you is growing to know that it wasn't real. It's hard to reconcile and you will doubt yourself and go back to the fantasy and thinking he is capable of a relationship. You know I am going to LA next week (wed through sat) for meetings on a feature film project and was going to touch base with a couple folks about this documentary idea- If you are located there we should grab a coffee and brainstorm! I am hot to trot on this idea - and have some time over the summer I was going to allocate towards developing it. If you are interested Barbara will give you my email and we can chat some about it. I am thinking of producing a zip reel with a few folks first before shopping it - but documentary is not my world so I am just winging it at this point. Barbara and a few other folks on this board have expressed interest and willingness to get involved as well. I just haven't had the time to move it forward much yet as I have been so busy.
May 22 - 11AM (Reply to #27)
janetc
janetc's picture

Thanks Wallaby and all

Janet Wow, your posts spell it out completely and I am copying and saving all of these for future reference if that is ok! ACgirl, I came to this site today because I was going to ask pretty much exactly the same question as you, and I have been away from my N for almost a year and have been reading up on N's and also have been therapy, they really mess with our minds! I have the cognitive dissonance series from Sandra Brown's site and plan on listening again! You hit it on the head, we can be like alcoholics who keep needing to come and talk at AA for support not to go there again! The no closure thing for me is one of the biggest, I have NEVER told him off because I discovered the depth and depravity of what he had been doing after he left. That part of me is still pretty strong that wants to tell him I know, his mask has slipped. But, then I read the wonderful posts on here from those of you who have tried to do this and know my result would be the same.

Janet