Looking at Other Women In Front of You........

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#1 Sep 28 - 6PM
trueblue101
trueblue101's picture

Looking at Other Women In Front of You........

I know that it is only human to notice when a good looking person passes you by, but I always thought that my ex-N would look at her a second longer than necessary. Has this happened to anyone?

May 13 - 9AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

women looker

That is what he was all about. Anywhere and everywhere, he stared at women as if he had never seen one before. That was my biggest complaint. It was so degrading and humiliating to me. And he always projected I always looked at men? I look at women more than I would check out a man....as if they have alot to offer me? NOT. He had playboy, porn, dating sites, sports illustrated and face book pages of women, models, hooters, playboy, etc. When we enter any place, he would scout out the joint for hot women....anything with big boobs and a great ass. I hated it!!!!!
May 13 - 10PM (Reply to #54)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

looking at other women

That is what he was all about. Anywhere and everywhere, he stared at women as if he had never seen one before. That was my biggest complaint. It was so degrading and humiliating to When we enter any place, he would scout out the joint for hot women....anything with big boobs and a great ass. I hated it!!!!! Thats exaclty how I felt also, screwed up my self esteem totally, it was also my biggest complaint. Mine got rid of porn prob had some hidden...ha....hes not pc literate thank God cause hed prob be in all the porn sites!! But his looking was very degrating and disrespectful! Now they can look all they want!!!! And we dont have to worry about it anymore!!

smileyfacepr

May 12 - 4PM
running
running's picture

looking

He was always, always, always, always looking and commenting. Drove me nuts but I learned early on not to say anything. We are all sooooooo much better off with them gone!
May 12 - 4PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Looking at other men/guys

My ex-N seemed to be more fascinated with other men (esp. if they were younger) than women. Yeah, he married a butch woman, and he seemed interested in women... but he preferred the company of younger men. He had a circle of disciples consisting of wife-beater wearing, bedraggled, beer-drinking potheads, or as the slang puts it "rough trade." My delicate, refined, beret-wearing ex-N, who walked as if he had a stick up his butt, liked the company of tough guys. He found men his age intimidating, he liked female admiration, and as one male friend of mine put it "He's attracted to you because you look like a boy." I'm tomboyish. He treated males as intellectual equals, he'd engage with them philosophically--but he had a hard time with intelligent women. Ironically, my ex-N and my openly gay N former boss are virtual soundalikes. I don't think homosexuality and narcissism are one and the same. After all, there's that blog connected with this page for gays in relationships with Narcs. It's as much a problem in the LGBT community as the straight one.
May 12 - 8AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

other women.........

i know that he chased after women...and men.....during our marriage... but pretty women meant nothing to him....i never once heard him comment on an actress or a model being beautiful....never head him say a man was handsome.... i don't think he view the human population that way.... he saw people as potential victims.... when we first met...when he was suckering me in..he told me how pretty he tought i was...complimented me....but that all fell by the wayside once he had me........ i've seen several of his former victims/signifigant others .... and we run the gamut...a couple are extremely physically unattractive...arm candy wasn't what he was looking to munch on....... so he didn't oggle women in front of me....he would sometimes flirt with women in front of me, in a snit.....but it was always half hearted....he did his searching for victims alone...on the sly....
May 11 - 11PM
foolmeonce
foolmeonce's picture

Left me alone to pursue another woman

Not only did he look, but once on vacation, he noticed a woman walking to the bathroom. He excused himself and was gone for about 10 minutes. Shortly after she returned to her table, he comes back. Get this - he claims he was trying to get her to pick ME up. Yeah- I'm into women, right.....! He then proceeded to continue to turn around and stare at her table until she finally left (I'm sure she thought he was a creep) I cannot believe I sat there, had I had some money on me, I would have left his ass in the bar. P.S. - I was the "other woman" - so for all the wives out there - once again - the other woman gets treated no better.
May 11 - 10PM
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

We went to a museum together

We went to a museum together and he started stalking a really cute, 20-something brunette. He was follwing her around to every exhibit she was going to. She was with her boyfriend too! A**hole!
May 11 - 10PM
broken23
broken23's picture

yes the creep would get that

yes the creep would get that look....the look we all know. and just look at some girls up and down like he wanted to eat them. it made me feel so bad. but ofcourse it wasnt worth the argument. he wasnt that good looking or had much game so he really couldnt get girls to flirt with him on the spot but he knew how to lure them in with being the "nice guy". if all else failed he would be quick to point out how hot such and such hollywood actress is. yeah he wishes. i hate him. it truly is one of the worst feelings when someone does this to you.
May 11 - 11PM (Reply to #47)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the Reptilian Gaze

The psychopath’s stare has its own allure and may be effective in the early luring stages. Many women, before they knew he was a psychopath, thought it was sexy. The stare has its own connection to trance induction. Even trained hypnotists say “Stare into my eyes.” The early parts of the luring and honeymoon stage are a great time for eye gazing with the psychopath. There really is something to the psychopath’s stare. Dr. Reid Melloy, in his book, 'Violent Attachments' says that women and men have noted the psychopath’s unusual and unnerving stare. He referred to the stare as a “relentless gaze that seems to preclude the psychopath’s destruction of his victim or target.” It’s also often referred to as The Reptilian Gaze because of its primitive predatory look. Dr. Robert Hare, author of 'Without Conscience' and primary researcher on psychopathy referred to the psychopath’s gaze as “intense eye contact and piercing eyes” and even suggested that people avoid having consistent eye contact with them. Other writers refer to it as a “laser beam stare” or an “empty hypnotic look.” Our women labeled the gaze, “intense,” “sensual,” “disturbing” and intrusive.” Women have also described his look as invasive, intimidating… looking them up and down like an animal. Women mistook it for a sexual once-over when in all likelihood it was more predatory than that. Eye gazing as trance induction means that the words that follow the induction are seared in her mind with much more meaning and lasting power. Eye to eye locks, in which the psychopath strokes her face and leads her into a slight trance state saying, “You are the most giving woman… you have given me what no one else has given. I know that you will always give to me this way and that we will be together forever. I know you would never hurt me, or leave me, or lie to me, or cheat…” are the hypnotic handcuffs that keep her locked to him. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 11 - 10PM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

not sure whether this is sad or funny....or neither......

reading about them oggling other women in front of us caused this file to open...... i wouldn't tolerate him drinking around me...because he became so obnoxious it couldn't bear it.... we were in a really nice restaurant..having dinner...and i could tell that something behind me was mesmerizing him....he was looking somewhere past my left ear....and couldn't even make casual dinner conversation...... i wondered who or what he found so fascinating that he couldn't take his eyes off it...... i turned around and saw two women having dinner.....both very pretty.....so i thought.......'ah.'....and turned back around to face him...he continued to stare...and practically drool.....then the women got up and walked right past our table....he didn't even glance at them....... confused, i turned around again.....to see what was so interesting.....at another table were two couples....and four wine bottles....what he had been staring at full of lust was not two pretty women.......but four bottles of wine being chugged.......... sick sick sick piece of shit.....
May 11 - 10PM (Reply to #45)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lust for booze

he had been staring at full of lust was not two pretty women... but four bottles of wine being chugged... that's DEPRAVITY defined! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 11 - 10PM (Reply to #44)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

looking at other women

smileyfacepr Narcnarc? Isnt funny how we r right in front of them and they dont see us? They r so entranced w whoever they r oogling, its really disgusting!!!

smileyfacepr

Sep 30 - 5AM
faith999
faith999's picture

caught him once

He was very careful to always make me the center of attention and never would look at other women. This was also very calculated considering he was probably cheating on me for our whole relationship. BUT.......there was this time I will never forget. We were at the grocery store buying the dinner we would cook together.He was a little buzzed from a couple of margaritas as was I. We were flirting and having fun and I thought very much in love. We split up so I could get the pasta and he would get the produce. I forgot to ask him something so I went back to find him.And there he was standing in the tomato aisle next to a very attractive women and he was....I honestly don't know how to explan it. I just stood there and watched(he had no idea I was watching him)Honestly he looked like an animal about to pounce on his prey. He had that piercing look in his eyses.He was staring like that right in her face. He is a physically beautiful man so she appeared to be quite entranced.He almost jumped out of his freakin' skin when I tapped him on the shoulder.He then of course hugged me and asked me if anything was wrong. I said "of course not. What could be wrong?" God.... I don't miss that!
Sep 29 - 12PM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

YEP!

Oh yes! Mine would comment always! He would say things like the whole mall is full of boobs, there are boobs everywhere! or look at those lil things, and it would be young girls 17/18yrs old crossing the street or something. Or when he went to a mtg with his family court later, he would tell me about her shirt and how her boobs looked huge. I would always say...."why do you think I would wanna know that", are you that needy you need to point out everything.He would say, "I just thought you would want to know about my day" lol lol .....IDIOT! also, mine would correct me a restaurant...if I didnt say enough please and thank yous, he would point that out in front of the waitress. For example...."I would like some more pop....thanks" He would say,,,,,ummm, please...you should say please and we would then argue like kids in front of the waitress. UGH!!!!!!
May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #38)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Whatever,,and the comments they make,,,

Like you are completely a guy in a pub with them,,the way they get to talking,,,it could be 9 am,,,5pm,,,midnight,,they are on the one track psychosexual track mind (at least mine was),,and I thought he was the best guy, good guy I could trust my life,,all my life to,,,they live more lies,,,,,so sad,,,,
May 12 - 4PM (Reply to #39)
running
running's picture

Pal

It was like you were his locker room buddie, right? The last time I saw him I told him I wasn't his "locker room buddie"! Ooooh, did he get mad at me! Hate is a strong word and I don't use it, but I can safely say I hate him for how he made me feel!
May 12 - 7PM (Reply to #40)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes-- "Amazing" and "Running"

I was spoken to like a guy as well. Not my last narc- but rather the one right before him. He worked on the staff of an NBA team and he would speak to me, as though I were one of the players... using vulgar words to say things quite early in our relationship. I thought it was because he worked for the NBA and was around guys all the time... so I gave him that excuse. I would only say ENOUGH when the locker room style talk felt disrespectful. I'm so glad they're both gone... old narc and most recent (the worst) narc. Speaking of that the NBA narc sent me a "how are you" text 2 weeks ago. I haven't dated this loser since 2008 and have been no contact for over nearly 2 years. LOSERS
May 13 - 9AM (Reply to #41)
running
running's picture

locker room text

Don't you hate that when they send you random text's..like you're just sitting there waiting for them! What little they know! We all have much better things to do than sit around and wait amd pine for them. My x used vulgar talk all the time. I think he thought he was trying to expand my vocabulary...(lol)!
Sep 29 - 11AM
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

Wow!

This is also one of the unusual things I noticed about both my Ns. I used to call it "the trance"...they went somewhere else (evil?) totally in their own mind and wouldn't even see me right there beside them. Very creepy. So validating to hear others experienced the same.
May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #36)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Ghostbuster,,,yes!!!!

Yes,,yes,, and yes,,,,again!!! They would go to this someplace else place (yes,,that felt evil to witness,,you feel a really intense disconnect,,or vibe from them that is not present at all,,right),,,and you feel like they didn't even see you right there beside them,,,,yes,,,I know exactly what you are talking about ,,,,and that 'STATE' is what caused much of the immediate problems or triggers,,,,you could just feel it come over them....
May 11 - 6PM (Reply to #33)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

The wacko stare

I will never, ever forget the second night we went out. NOT the first night, because it was all about me: kissing me, holding me, tellling me how happy he was to finallly be out with me. But the SECOND night I remember that everywhere we went he would just look at a person from time to time, intently, blankly, so messed up. The only thing I can compare it to--and I know it's a common description--is that it was like a vampire in a wacko trance. It was not always a beautiful woman; it could be anyone. I used to ask him if he knew the person or what was wrong, but it was never either. I used to go over to his house at night--before I was banned for no reason--and we'd sit on the kitchen counter and he'd just stare into space and smoke. If I started a conversation, it was obviously disruptive to whatever was going on up there--probably nothing.
May 11 - 8PM (Reply to #35)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

helldweller

search this site for the "Reptilian Gaze" - this has been discussed NUMEROUS times ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #34)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Helldweller,,,Got you,,,understand you on the wacko stare !!!

Yes,,,oh my,,,yes,,I know EXACTLY what you are talking about...it is an aura,,a feeling,,a TRANCE state almost that comes over them,,,right,,,you can't pin point it,,,yet,,,when they enter it,,,you know,,you feel it,,,you want to shake them out of it,,,,and worse,,you want to CONFRONT them about it.. You are RIGHT,,,they can be looking at no one,,any one,,,into space,,,yet,,you FEEL it ,,,and are instantly distrubed,,I know exactly, precisely what you are talking about,,,and it was this trance state that he would go into,,,that caused much disruption in our relationship,,,,,,perhaps the most major of all,,,,,
Sep 29 - 8AM
ginger3681
ginger3681's picture

right in front of me!!!

I always remember I introduced him to my friend at work...she is very beautiful...he got close to her and asked her questions that you would not ask someone that you had just met...like he had first asked me...I was instantly jealous...he also kind of turned his back to me and only looked at her....I dont know what he did, but she was blushing.... after that, he had been visiting her office at work...it made me sick that I had introduced them....and that he had the nerve to do that to one of my friends.... They are now really good friends...maybe lovers....I would not doubt it
Sep 29 - 8AM
ginger3681
ginger3681's picture

Other Women............

I always remember I introduced him to my friend at work...she is very beautiful...he got close to her and asked her questions that you would not ask someone that you had just met...like he had first asked me...I was instantly jealous...he also kind of turned his back to me and only looked at her....I dont know what he did, but she was blushing.... after that, he had been visiting her office at work...it made me sick that I had introduced them....and that he had the nerve to do that to one of my friends.... They are now really good friends...maybe lovers....I would not doubt it
Sep 29 - 12AM
tasha
tasha's picture

....

mine looked at other women..he had pics on his phone of his ex girlfriend-which he still loved..he had pics of his girlfriends naked and used to ask me to send him photos of my vagina-so he could masturbate-I said no. So I guess he had photos of all of them.-Sicko!I told him that was what porn was for-he'd rather have women he had had sex with-Sicko!
Sep 28 - 10PM
Marie
Marie's picture

Never caught him

I only caught him once. I think he made sure he controlled himself in this area. He would however in the middle of whatever meal we were eating jump out of his seat to go hold the door open for some woman usually with a baby carriage. Couldn't say anything about that but I know him that was him dragging his pretend nice self out. He would always come back to the table and announce "see what a nice guy I am" (puke). The time I caught him was one time when a Victoria's Secret commercial came on. It was the creepiest thing. It's hard to describe but it was the way he was looking at the women in the commercial. He was totally in his own world. It was just creepy, he was so mesmerized by them. I've had other guys I've been out with glance at another woman but this was something else. Just remembering the look on his face makes me shudder.I'm really glad I never caught him looking at porn can't imagine that.
Sep 28 - 10PM (Reply to #28)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the psycho zone

yup - when Psycho-Boy talked about sex or was watching porn he was IN THE ZONE. It was downright creepy. It was more than just attentiveness - it was like something EVIL just filtered into the room and took it and him over. His eyes got even more vacant than usual. Like he was a 'killing machine' or something. And you couldn't break the zone at all. EEWWWWW ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Sep 28 - 8PM
grossot
grossot's picture

Get this! Not only did he

Get this! Not only did he "joke" about having gf's and how he wanted threesomes with my friends- he looked. I never called him out on it like the good little wife he wanted me to be. I thought he was the most faithful person bc of all the attention he gave me. Puleeeez. After I found out about one affair we ran into her and her friend in the mall. N knew I knew of the affair. Gf knew I knew of the affair and as we all talked and gf said "how are you?" To me N just stared at her with a goofy grin on his face. Also when I found out about the affair he told me about another woman he had been seeing 2 yrs prior. It all made sense then. I had been at a bachelorette party with her not knowing she was banging my husband. Next day I sid to N"geez, so and so acted like a tramp last night". He got very defensive and started raging about that's not like her". I asked post affair knowlege if he did that cuz he was jealous. He said yes. All this and he wanted to see me with another man. All I could think was "what happened to my husband?" I had given him my heart and he used me. He also had me at friendly play dates and jewelery parties with these woman....I was the but of the jokes...:( ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled
May 14 - 7AM (Reply to #25)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Other girls

Something you said there reminded me of a hugely degrading thing: the way he defended the girl he was banging. In our early days when he'd actually take me places with him, there would be women he knew that he'd just stare at, openly looking them up and down, talking and smiling. There is one who is a "dear friend" from work, a beautiful girl, who he always speaks very highly of and describes to other people as "a bombshell"-- in front of me of course. When he'd have poker games, he'd have her sit next to him, and he would just look her up and down, and talk and smile (this was when we were actually "in love"!) It would actually embarrass his brother, who would tell me "Come change seats with me so you can sit by him." I'd say, "No, that's fine." She married for the third time a few months ago. I'm absoutely convinced they have an ongoing thing. But the thing that hurt so badly was the defensiveness about her, that she was so wonderful and beautiful and, no matter what I did, I just didn't cut it. I got to defending myself in my mind by thinking, "Well, if they ever actually have a relationship, he'll be sick of her in about a week." and it was like that with seemingly everyone. Every woman was wonderful, beautiful, smart, nice: they were all married, every single one. And their families were "so great. Great kids. Nice people." My kids were nonexistent, I was trash, my family may as well have not been around. I got close to some of his friends and they all said, "WTF is his problem? You're beautiful! You're amazing! What more could he ask for?" I would just shrug my shoulders after awhile.