chickie3040's story

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#1 Apr 18 - 8PM
chickie3040
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chickie3040's story

My 13-month relationship with my N came to an end two weeks ago and I am lost, confused, hurt, angry, sad - all rolled into one. This is probably our 7th major breakup in 13 months, but this is it, for good this time. There has been no contact in the two weeks since we broke up. As I've read from other's posts, this is ultimately what we want and need to heal, but this has not been his pattern in the past. Within 48 hours he usually intitiates contact via text or email blaming me and calling me horrible names. Then, when I defend myself, he backs off and takes responsibility and aplogizes and tells me I'm the best thing he's ever had and he can't live without me. I then end up feeling sorry for him and see glimpses of the man I fell in love with and take him back. But this time, it hasn't been that way. It has literally been 2 weeks with no contact and I feel like I'm going crazy. I think about him constantly and wonder what it was this time to make it a "final" breakup for him? It was not one of our worst fights, but yet, he chose to exit permanently this time. I don't understand and it's all I can do not to contact him, but I'm staying strong and not. What will that accomplish? Nothing good. It will only open the door for him to beat me down more or even worse, hear his story of woe and try to work it out again. My intellectual mind knows this is not healthy and that I deserve better, but my heart feels like it's in a million pieces and I wonder if I can ever put it back together again. It sometimes truly hurts to take a breath. I feel empty and alone. Tired, yet restless. I can't turn it off.

Ours was a tumultuous relationship from the beginning, but I did not want to believe that this man I fell in love with was really as evil as he could sometimes act. It was whirlwind and wonderful in the beginning, but then the insults started...."you need to join a gym and lose 20 pounds (I was 5'5" 135 pounds)....I like women with "big tits" - millions of women get implants every year, why won't you (mind you I'm a 34C)?....I can't stand body hair on women, you need to get a full face/body wax or look into laser hair removal (I have normal face/body hair according to my aesthetician and yes, I have always regularly waxed my eyebrows and private area)....I like women that are tan, you need to join a tanning salon and get some color on your skin"....He would say all of these things to me and then guilt me into believing it and telling me that if I really loved him, I'd want to make these changes for him. That I must not care about him that much if I couldn't make those simple lifestyle changes for him. Sadly, I did all of them but the breast augmentation. And had it not been for the cost, I probably would have done that too. I hang my head in shame even writing this. How could I have fallen victim to this monster and crazier yet, how is it that I miss him?

The physical views he imposed on me were only part of his rage and demands. He hated that I had been previously married (7 years divorced) and often questioned how I could say I was committed to him when I didn't stand by my man in my marriage? I explained to him numerous times the verbal/psychological abuse I experienced at the hands of my husband, yet during fights, he'd always throw it in my face that I didn't know what commitment meant and that he needed someone by his side that would always be there to support him. Yet, when one of my best male friends unexpectedly died in a car accident, he refused to go to the memorial/funeral service with me and actually told me via phone that he didn't want to see or be around me until I was done grieving for my friend. He would also always expect me to be on time for planned events, yet he was almost always late and never once had the common courtesy to let me know he we running late. After sitting and waiting for him for no less than half an hour, I'd call or text to find out where he was only to find out he was still golfing/working/running errands/at the bar with the guys/etc. When I would explain how that was disrespectful of him towards me he'd call me a nag and tell me he "didn't need that in his life" and "that's why he's been single for 38 years". He literally said to me on numerous occasions, "this is my world, if you don't like it, you can get out of it".

I have a fairly high profile job as a marketing executive and with that comes many perks from a social perspective. He always joined me as my guest at concerts, sporting events, etc. Always for free and always at the VIP level. He never once thanked me or acted as if it was something special. It was as if it was expected. He never once planned any of our vacation getaways, rather he'd let me use my contacts to get us free rooms at places or use my credit card points to pay for the hotel. Yet, he presented himself as a successful business owner, living the life of a priveleged bachelor - 6 bedroom house on a lake, drives a nice car, etc. Only, I found out months into our relationship that he rents the house (his two houses are in foreclosure) and doesn't own a car (his business is in used car sales so he just takes whatever is on the lot and drives it) and he doesn't OWN the business, he's just the sales arm of it. Red flags anyone? Why didn't I see them????

On a vacation to the Bahamas, he lost $5K in the casino in less than an hour and didn't blink an eye. Same thing at one of the Indian gambling casinos here at home. Yet I had to pay for the washer and dryer he needed to buy (he did ultimately pay me back, but it took six months). He paid $4K to put up crown mouldings and change the carpet in a house he rents, yet he has no living room furniture. Just a TV and a recliner. When we broke up the last time, he sent me emails saying how depressed he was and that he planned on purchasing a boat within 60 days so he'd have something to fill his time. Guess what, we got back together and still no boat, 80 days later. Surprise, surprise!!!

About eight months into our relationship, he finally admitted he was going to have to file for bankruptcy. Both of his homes were in foreclosure and he owed a lot of money to some company from a failed business venture in Texas. He also owed a buddies parents $30K for helping them start that now defunct business. He made it seem like it wasn't his fault. The odds were just against him and so his financial state plummeted. I believed him and even felt sorry for him. Just got dealt a bad hand, if you will. But he promised me he was going to start over and do things the right way. He and I were going to build a healthy financial future together and live below our means so we'd never have to worry about money again. It all sounded so great. Now mind you, I own my own home with 50% equity, own my own vehicle outright, no payments and have no other outstanding debt but my mortgage payment. I think I'm in pretty good shape on my own! I don't NEED him for ANY financial reasons, in fact, I think it's more the other way around. Yet, here I am, alone again, with him owing me money again. "The check's in the mail" were his final words to me....I'm thinking not!

I was always supportive and honest with him and I wanted to believe he was with me, eventhough he proved over and over again not to be. Why couldn't I see what was right in front of me? Everybody else did. My family hated him after, I think, the second breakup when he called me a whore because one of his friends hugged me to thank me for tickets I had gotten him for a comedy show. They ended up getting into a physical fight over it later in the evening and he left me stranded in the parking lot of the venue. I had to call a cab to get home all the while getting texts from him telling me what whore I was. I was completely blind sided by his actions and his verbal assault. He actually has a battery charge with the state pending against him because his now ex-friend filed a police report against him (can't say that I blame him).

Yet, I kept going back to him. Over and over and over. I've made excuses for him, but there is no reason for his actions. They are inexcusable. I'm sorry this is so long and somewhat rambly. I just kept typing as I was thinking of things that have happened. My heart feels like I'll never love anybody again like I love him. While I know he is sick, does it make me sick for missing him and continuing to love him? Wishing it could all be different? Wishing we could be back to that happy place where there was no drama and just fun and love? I truly feel like I'm going crazy when I try to decipher it all. It's starting to affect my work and daily mood. I can't let go of it all eventhough I know it's for the best. What do I do???

Apr 30 - 4AM
chickie3040
chickie3040's picture

Here we go again.

So here is the latest attempt by exN. I received this in the middle of the night last night. I have held firm to NC and will continue to do so, no matter how maddening this email was. He once again takes no responsibility in the downfall of our relationship. It ended badly....why can't he just leave it at that? ******************** Just wanted to make sure you got the money order ok? I apologize again for the email about the dogs, it was insensitive to ask you about something so random when we had just broken up and I now realize it was a mistake to do that. While I do hate to say that I think we are better off going our own directions, it does hurt to lose my best friend. After over a year, I feel like I owe you a better apology than the last one I gave. While you and I are great friends and I miss you greatly, it does seem like it was more work than it should be, but I am truly sorry if I hurt you. I think the world of you. I have tried to put myself in your shoes multiple times since we broke up and although that is impossible, I have tried. We are both stubborn and that is just a bad combination for a relationship. Hey, I think about some of the best times I've had and it's been with you! :-) It definitely outweighs the bad times. When it comes down to it, the fact that your family was "taught" to dislike me was "one" of the most important factors. In the future, it's probably not a good idea to tell your family the problems you are having in your relationships. The fact that I don't have good relationships with my own family makes me "psychologically" want to date women who have close knit families and that will take me in as one of their own also. When that wall was built with your family, by you, between them and I, there was really no going back. I sincerely tried and then when I felt that whenever anything would happen between you and I that it wasn't going to stay between you and I, it just didn't work for me. My love for you was/is very strong. I added "is" because it's just the truth. In the past when we would break up, it seemed sincere in the beginning and then after a few hours I started getting that sick feeling in my stomach that I would never see you again or be a part of your life again. This time has been different, it's a different kind of sick, the kind of sick that told me it was over for good this time. It's almost been a month and I still feel like it's for the best. I'm not "over" you, but I am working on it day by day. I guess what I am trying to say is that this really sucks and I wish we didn't have to go our separate ways with negative feelings. I feel your anger from your emails and it bothers me that you feel that way. I gave a lot of myself to you and unless something happened that you are not telling me about, I don't understand where the anger is coming from? I totally respect you and do not expect you to respond, only if you want to. I do want you to know that this email is not an attempt for us to reconcile or get back together also, but to help each other understand our feelings and feel better about them. It's only healthy if we do that in my opinion. On another note, just because I love you and care about you. Even though you said you stopped taking that anti-depressant, your behavior when drinking was scaring me. Your attitude and disposition would still change and show a lot of anger. The emotions you show when you have been drinking do not EVER appear when you are sober. This concerns me greatly for you and I wouldn't feel right if I didn't mention it. Please do not take this the wrong way or think that I'm taking a shot at you because that couldn't be farther from the truth. I lay in bed at night and worry about you and what could happen to you when you are out drinking. Your behavior at Universal City Walk with your friends that night really scared me but I tried to overlook it as a one time thing. To tell you the truth, I was not comfortable that night with your drinking and subsequent behavior. I promised myself before the night started that I would do everything in my power not to have any disagreements with you NO MATTER WHAT. Although I made a joke of you passing out on the way home and took the picture of you passed out with your mouth open snoring, etc, it was not funny while I was experiencing it. I was thoroughly emabarrassed walking you back to the car and then scared of what behavior you might exude when we got back to my house. The fact that you "black out" during these times worries me even more greatly. Bottom line is that I feel "uncomfortable" with the way our relationship ended versus my intentions of the way I wanted our relationship to go. Please do not take this email as a way to get a "response" out of you. If you choose not to respond then I will respect that 100%. I also want you to know that I have not said one bad thing about you to anyone and actually have said good things only. I wish you the best from the bottom of my broken heart. Life has a way of teaching us powerful lessons and while I wish I could go back and start things differently for us, it's impossible. I can only take the lessons I learned from our relationship and apply them toward my future relationships. Again, my intention here is not to just "create" dialogue, but to mainly express my feelings so that you know how I truly feel. You are a great person and I am glad to have had you as a part of my life. Thank you for everything. Love, (Name Witheld) ************************** So desperately frustrating! Can you even believe the amount of flip-flopping he does in this brief letter. "I'm sorry, I love you....it's your fault....wish it was different....you are a wonderful person....you act inappropriate when you drink. Of course, his recollection of our night out with friends is incorrect. Yes, we ALL drank. But all I did was get on the dance floor with my friends and cut a rug and act silly. I guess that doesn't fit his image of "coolness". And falling asleep on the way home, I'd been up since 5AM that day, nearly 24 hours later I fall asleep on the way home after cocktails and I'm a crazy drunk. Crazy-making....they are experts. I actually found myself starting to buy in to some of the bulls*^t for just a second. But then I stopped myself. That will be the last email he sends to me.....he has officially been BLOCKED on my email server! Big step for me!!!!!
Apr 30 - 10AM (Reply to #21)
foolmeonce
foolmeonce's picture

Drinking

The exN I was with was a big drinker. He was known as "Mr. Fun" by everyone - the occassion didn't matter he was always the one buying drinks and shots for everyone. Nothing pleased him more than getting people rip roaring drunk. The alcohol never seemed to affect him, he could drink a bottle of scotch and be ok and never had a hangover (yet another indication that N's are not human). He loved it when he got people drunk and they passed out, because he felt omnipotent, like look at these losers they don't know how to drink and I'm just fine. We would go out and he would continually order me more and more drinks. I weigh 110 pounds to his 240 and he expected me to keep up with him. I cannot count the number of times I was sick as a dog, passed out, crawling to the bathroom, and he never gave a shit. Once we were out of town and had an early flight and I told him there was no way I could get on a plane. He said I'd better work it out and he left me at the hotel. Yet another reason why he was better than me!!! I think N's love it when you are vulnerable, drunk, etc. It makes them feel powerful and even though they had a hand in you getting that drunk, they will never miss an opportunity to rub your face in it and say you have a problem. He did this with everything, not just drinking. He would push me on his friends, make me say dirty things - egg me on to do dirty shit that turned him on and the next day say "I was really embarrassed by what you did". Then constantly brought up my past, especially when I was in a great mood and having fun - "Remember the time you did ______?" Mind fucking at it's best. The funny thing is in the two years since we hung out, I have rarely had a drink (maybe a glass of wine every other month or so) meanwhile he is still out there drinking like a wino in a gutter. Yeah - remember "they are sooooo concerned about us" they are just pointing out our "issue" for our own good.
Apr 26 - 9PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Time heals all wounds, and wounds all heels

I was in a "relationship" with a Narc for 4 years. It ended disastrously 10 years ago. In the past decade, I've managed to get into writing, find some healing, I'm living in a beautiful place. I even found myself more spiritual. I'm not the one to exact vengeance on the ex-Narc. That's not my job. I'm a mere mortal. I leave it to God and karma. God will set things right. The best revenge, I guess, is being happy. Even wishing happiness on the ex-Narc is a form of revenge, in a sense, since it's true that narcissists hate life and joie de vivre. "May all sentient beings be happy"-The bodhisattva vow
Apr 24 - 2PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

What is it you miss?

Really this guy sounds like a looser. You are so much better off without him. Lies, lies, & more lies. Such a successful woman like you does not need this jerk. I hope that money order cashes. He's really trying to guilt you out there with that letter. But, if you got your $350, it's worth his MANUFACTURED MYTHOLOGY of what happened. It's what all Ns do-a manufactured mythology of their lives which has little or nothing to do with reality. But the point is to make them look good when they've been bloody a**holes! If you don't hear from him, he's busy with a new woman. But, he will keep you as a friend for as long as you let him because you are a good source for free tickets & you have money which is important to Ns (especially a bankrupt N). And, if new woman is a bust, you're a good source to fall back on. The "i miss you - i love you ploy." Lasting almost a year may be one of his longest relationships in a long time. You'll be a lifer if you don't delete him fast.
Apr 26 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
chickie3040
chickie3040's picture

Thank you...

For laying it all out there. Everything you said is so correct. I was his first serious girlfriend in 10 years; The first girl he's brought into his home in 4 years. I found that endearing when he first told me, now, it's just creepy. How can you not have any significant kind of relationship for that long? RED FLAG! Yes, I overlooked it. I did not respond to him at all since receiving the note and money order on Friday. I'm holding firm to NC and hope that he will too. There is really no reason for him to contact me ever again. I've made it clear that I don't want to hear from him and have NO INTEREST in being his friend. Am I being stupid thinking that it's over that easily? Overall, I'm starting to feel much better. Had a great weekend with friends that I haven't seen much since dating him. It was nice to reconnect with people that he doesn't really know. I think one of the couple's met him once and then suddenly stopped hanging out with me. Turns out they had his number from their first meeting, but didn't want to hurt my feelings. They are obviously happy about and supportive of our breakup. I do still find myself missing him sometimes, but I guess it's the fake him I miss, not the real him. He did have some very tender mannerisms, but I try to keep reminding myself that they were not real. He just did what he had to do to keep me hooked. This will get easier, won't it? One day he will just be a bad memory, right?
Apr 23 - 10PM
chickie3040
chickie3040's picture

Really? WTF??

So, after the email Sunday night/Monday morning, and I KNOW I should have stayed NC, but I was pissed, I wrote him back telling him what piece of shit I thought he was and to PLEASE send me a check for the money he owed me. How could he be so callous as to treat me like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe and then send me an email like we're old friends asking for my opinion on getting a pet? How? How do they rationalize that in their minds? Anyway, after my nasty email on Monday morning, I heard nothing from him. Then he texted me yesterday afternoon stating that he would put the check under my doormat on Friday (today). I didn't respond. Then today he sent me a text saying the envelope was under my doormat. I didn't respond. When I got home from work, I found the envelope with a MONEY ORDER, not a check, inside along with the following note: **************** Here is the $360 you "requested". My initial thought was to just return the Universal pass since I was never consulted in the purchase and thought it was "gift" to me from you. To avoid conflict and make things go smoothly, I am enclosing the amount you requested. I hope this gives you closure. I in no way have hard feelings or feel anything negative about you or our breakup. While I do miss you and love you, I realize this is for the best. I wish your parents great success in their new venture and I wish the best for your sister and brother-in-law also. They are all good people. I know how you feel about us being friends and I will respect that and not contact you ever again. I really hope you find happiness in not only your future relationships, but in yourself. Keep doing great. Love, (Name withheld) ********************* WTF??? Did he forget that on the day we broke up nearly three weeks ago, the last contact he had with me was him throwing all of the Christmas, birthday, anniversary gifts I'd given him and all of our pictures into a garbage can, taking pictures of it and then picture messaging me? Then sending me an email about adopting a puppy? Then including this letter with the money he owed me? It's as if none of the bad behavior has taken place. Like this was just a normal breakup. Like we are just two adults that decided to part ways on good terms. He is PSYCHO!!!! And it's make me psycho trying to figure it all out. Why am I trying to figure out something that has no answer? This puzzle will never be solved, yet I keep trying. And talking about my family as if they had a positive relationship? They all HATED him. He hadn't even seen any of them since June 2009. My family had forbidden him from entering their homes. My parents said that anybody who referred to their daughter as a "whore" was not welcome in their home. At the time, I was angry with them. Now, I understand. Again, sorry this is all over the place. I just feel like I'm in shock and disbelief all over again. Wondering if I'm imagining all the horrible, hateful things he's done or what. How can he be so non-chalant? How can he act like such a martyr? Like he's doing me a favor in paying me back the money he owed me. HE WANTED the Universal passes. He just never made the effort to go and get them. I did. Shame on me....just like everything else we did; he came up with the grand ideas, but never followed through. I did, thinking it would make him happy and be pleased with me. Ughhhhh, I just hope he will follow through with what he stated in his letter and will never contact me again. Thanks for letting me vent!
Apr 24 - 6AM (Reply to #16)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

in my experience I think he

in my experience I think he will contact you again, but it will be angry. Don't respond. My ExN did all the "good luck" "I don't think badly of you, you were kind" "I'm making a home of magic and healing come and see me with our kids". I didn't respond and for the last 2 years he sends abusive emails and spends loads of energy manipulating me. Be thankful you don't have kids with him as you can just walk away. When you have NC you will start to understand what you went through and what his behaviour is about. It takes time and LOADS of reading. Good luck I'm so pleased you're out. However, I don't think this is the end of hearing from him. Don't get sucked back into his sick world.

Ending the dance

Apr 19 - 6AM
chickie3040
chickie3040's picture

Unbelievable!

As soon as I shared my story on this site, he emailed me! WTF??? It's been two weeks of completely ignoring me and then this??? And you know what it was??? He wants my opinion on where he should adopt a puppy from!!!! I'm heavily involved in animal rescue and he knows my thoughts on buying from back yard breeders, yet he sent me links to several and then asked, "is it ok to adopt a pet from one of these?". I'm amazed and in shock. One, at the fact that he actually contacted me and two, at the fact that it is something so ridiculous. Mind you, the last time we spoke, he was cruel and mean and then out of the blue he wants my opinon? UGHHHH!! This is a classic NPD pattern, isn't it? My mind is spinning again and I haven't slept all night. Time to get up, get ready and go to work. I MUST block this from my brain. I cannot allow it to affect my day, much less my life, any longer!
Apr 24 - 6AM (Reply to #14)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

He's hoovering and drawing

He's hoovering and drawing you in again. He couldn't give a stuff about a puppy, it's excuse to play with your mind. My exN got a dog after we split then moved and sold it, just another object for NS.

Ending the dance

Apr 19 - 8AM (Reply to #13)
woundedsoul36
woundedsoul36's picture

he wants a puppy for NS

he wants a puppy for NS supply
Apr 19 - 7AM (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

chickie3040

DO NOT RESPOND - BLOCK HIS EMAILS institute this IMMEDIATELY: http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/04/17/what-no-contact-means ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 18 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome chickie3040

Welcome... - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the SHARE YOUR STORY section. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. - PLEASE read through our whole My Blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - this will answer many of your questions and should be done before you start posting. - Pay particular attention to the 3 Blog Posts called "AM I UNDER HIS SPELL?" and one called "COGNITIVE DISSONANCE & OBSESSIONAL THOUGHTS." They will help you a lot. in the future, please read the Rules prior to posting, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim - Please remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a trauma therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with and the deprogramming you need. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 18 - 10PM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

chickie3040

You will realize the XN's have a lot in common. Like your XN, mine was never good with money. He spent beyond his means, he pretended to be someone he never was, and he was good at projection and called me a "whore" too. I've read so many books, read most of Barbara's blogs, cried to my therapist and read a lot of the message board. You've found a great place to be amongst wonderful women and men who are very supportive and understanding. Staying NC forever is the best thing one can ever do to rid yourself from this predator. And it has been the most difficult thing I ever had to do emotionally. NC doesn't feel natural with a normal person, but it feels right in regards to dealing with a narcissist.
Apr 18 - 10PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Chickie

Me & my exN broke up hundreds of times & always got back together. I moved hundreds of times & each time he followed me...until this last time. I was discarded & replaced & I bet thats what he's done to you. He has found new supply & someone to feed off of. Believe me, we all know exactly what you are going through. It took all I had just to function every day. My heart ached for him so bad i could hardly breathe! I wanted him back! I didn't care what a jerk he was, I just wanted him back in my arms...& yet, I hated the person that he was. I hated the way he talked to me & the way he made me feel about myself! I know it hurts but be strong & thank God you never had a child with him & have to see him rub his new gf in your face! I still & will always have to see him cos of our daughter! Expect the worse outcome cos it always is with them...
Apr 18 - 10PM
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Cognitive Dissonance

All Memory is Not Created Equal -- Positive Memory Seepage by Sandra Brown, MA We already know that intrusive thought is associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as other emotional trauma disorders. However, many of the survivors say what is most painful is not necessarily the intrusive thoughts of the bad stuff or even the violence. It's the intrusive thoughts of all the good times that are really hard to deal with. Intrusive thoughts are not just bad thoughts or flashbacks. They can be intrusive from positive memories as well. Positive memories are embued with deep emotional and psychological 'meaning.' The meaning of the relationship, various happy moments, the deep feeling of attachments, the fantastic sex -- can all be power packed into positive memories. Positive memories are also embedded with all the sights, sounds, smells, sensations, feelings, the associated meaning of the events, and the remembrances of a happier time. The positive memories can also be tied up with a ribbon of fantasy and romanticized feelings. That's a lot of power packed into a few positive memories that has the TNT emotional factor to blow your 'stay-away-from-him' resolve -- sky high. All memories are not stored the same. I've talked about this before... positive memory is stored differently in the brain and is more easily accessible than some bad memories. Many traumatic memories are stored in another part of the brain that make them harder to access. Sometimes the more traumatic they are, the harder it is to remember. Unfortunately, what you might want to remember most is the bad part of the relationships so it motivates you to stay away from it. But instead, it's murky and not always fresh in your mind about 'why' you should be avoiding the pathological relationship. But what IS easy to remember is all the positive memory. In fact, what has become obtrusive and intrusive, is positive memory seepage -- where all the good times and the associated 'senses' (taste, touch, smell,etc.) are flooding your mind. You easily remember the good times and easily forget the bad times -- all based on how and where these types of memories are stored in the brain. You NEED the bad memories but you REMEMBER the good ones -- constantly. In addition, that which is held internally is amplified. Almost like putting it under a magnifying glass -- the feelings, memories, taste/touch/smell, are all BIGGER and STRONGER when the memory simply rolls around in your head. It's a lot like a pin ball machine -- memories pinging and ponging off of internal elements. The more it pings and pongs, the stronger the memory moves around the mind. Memories kept in the mind also take on 'sur-real like qualities' -- certain parts are like a movie -- fantasy based, romanticized. The positive memories are dipped in crystallized sugar and become tantalizing treats instead of dreaded dead beats! While engaged in this positive memory seepage -- it doesn't feel like you are indulging yourself in toxic memories -- it feels like you are trying to 'process' the relationship -- 'why did we do this', 'why did he say that', 'why was it like that then, but it's like this now'... It feels like what you are trying to do is sort out the relationship. But all the sorting of this dirty laundry still leaves the same amount of piles of clothes in your head.You're just moving the same shirt from pile to pile -- but it's all the same dirty laundry. Nothing is getting cleaned up. Positive memory seepage as intrusive thought is a big contributor to the cognitive dissonance women feel in the aftermath of these relationships. Cognitive Dissonance (or C.D. as we refer to it as) is the difficulty of trying to hold two opposing thoughts or beliefs at the same time. That's usually "he's good" AND "he's bad" = "How can he be good AND bad?" Just trying to resolve that one thought can leave women's minds tangled up for years! Cognitive Dissonance can single-handedly take women down -- it can cause her to be unable to concentrate, work, sleep, eat, or function. It's like the little image of the devil sitting on one of your shoulders and the angel sitting on your other shoulder and they are both whispering in your ear. That's exactly like C.D. -- trying to decide which thing you are going to believe... that he's bad for you, or that he's good for you. Positive memory seepage produces intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts, especially about positive memories, produces cognitive dissonance. These emotional processes feed each other like a blood-enduced shark fest. It's ONE of the single biggest reasons women don't disengage from the relationship, heal, or return to a higher level of functioning. Now that we've identified 'what' is really at the heart of the aftermath of symptoms -- we know that treating Cognitive Dissonance is really the most important recovery factor in pathological love relationships. http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Apr 18 - 10PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

heart feels like I'll never love anybody again like I love him

you have to remember what you loved was not genuine and real, they are actors to secure their victims and partners in their lives, of course we fell we will never never love like we loved them and thats because he projected the love he knew you wanted, and he played that part to make it seem he was the love of your life. In time you will come to know and see what this unhealthy relationship was really about, it was pathological NOT healthy it was full of lies, betrayal, deception, manipulation, brainwashing, control. They are like this with ALL their partners, he didnt just pick you out to be this way. They arent out loving someone else as they threw us to the curb, they play the same sick acting games with them also and thats a FACT because they dont change, you did not lose anything in them, we lost much of ourselves that takes a long long time to get back.
Apr 18 - 8PM
azucar
azucar's picture

thank you for sharing chickie3040

This is the place to do it. Everything you have shared points out the to your ex being an N, but it will take a while before your heart beleives and accepts what your mind knows. These first few weeks are a blur. I just hope you can stick to no contact and can talk to a professional? You !!ARE NOT!! sick The situation was an impossible one, N's are impossible to be with and yet they figure out how take everything from you. So you will go crazy if you try to figure it out on your own, because I'm not sure that's even possible...I mean he's sick...so how can you even begin to understand his distorted way of thinking? I hope reading all the others stories helps...
Apr 18 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
chickie3040
chickie3040's picture

It does help...

...reading other's stories. Thank you for being so supportive. I am seeing a therapist to help me work through my pain and confusion. So far, it's been more of a cathartic release to just talk about what has happened. I'm hoping to soon gain more tools to help in my recovery. You are a strong, amazing woman azucar. Thank you for sharing your story and your path to healing. It is inspirational!
Apr 18 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
woundedsoul36
woundedsoul36's picture

I agree with

I agree with A... predator healing hasn't been easy on me, but it gets better day by day healing is a process, but everyday you keep him away from you, the more indifferent you become the more you read, the more you believe and feel empowered they are damaged people, so damaged that you cant even call them human they have no emotions other than rage and guilt..everything else is a carefully studied response, a LIE..it's devastating but you will get better..it does get easier
Apr 18 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
chickie3040
chickie3040's picture

I'm hopeful...

....that is will get easier. Thank you for your support. I know what you say is truth, I just need to believe it! I'm sorry for the pain and hurt you have gone through too.
Apr 24 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

I does get better. We've

I does get better. We've all been through the pain or are still going through it. After the split I went through all that pain, depression, obsessive thoughts, anger and devastation, the process we all do. 2 years on my life is so fantastic, and I'm still single, cool, as I realise how appalling it was with the 8 years with him. I didn't even realise it then, denial to survive. Well, honestly I couldn't give a stuff. I saw him this morning to drop the kids of and it didn't bother me, didn't bother me that he's seeing them with his new gf and staying with her father. Doesn't bother me he has a new dysfunctional relationship to go through all the abuse process with her. To be honest I can't believe I feel like this now, I can't believe that I just don't give a shit after all that painful journey I went through. My life doesn't have abuse in it, well it does he still tries but I don't let it in, I see him as pathetic and boring and ugly and violent.

Ending the dance