My 13-month relationship with my N came to an end two weeks ago and I am lost, confused, hurt, angry, sad - all rolled into one. This is probably our 7th major breakup in 13 months, but this is it, for good this time. There has been no contact in the two weeks since we broke up. As I've read from other's posts, this is ultimately what we want and need to heal, but this has not been his pattern in the past. Within 48 hours he usually intitiates contact via text or email blaming me and calling me horrible names. Then, when I defend myself, he backs off and takes responsibility and aplogizes and tells me I'm the best thing he's ever had and he can't live without me. I then end up feeling sorry for him and see glimpses of the man I fell in love with and take him back. But this time, it hasn't been that way. It has literally been 2 weeks with no contact and I feel like I'm going crazy. I think about him constantly and wonder what it was this time to make it a "final" breakup for him? It was not one of our worst fights, but yet, he chose to exit permanently this time. I don't understand and it's all I can do not to contact him, but I'm staying strong and not. What will that accomplish? Nothing good. It will only open the door for him to beat me down more or even worse, hear his story of woe and try to work it out again. My intellectual mind knows this is not healthy and that I deserve better, but my heart feels like it's in a million pieces and I wonder if I can ever put it back together again. It sometimes truly hurts to take a breath. I feel empty and alone. Tired, yet restless. I can't turn it off.
Ours was a tumultuous relationship from the beginning, but I did not want to believe that this man I fell in love with was really as evil as he could sometimes act. It was whirlwind and wonderful in the beginning, but then the insults started...."you need to join a gym and lose 20 pounds (I was 5'5" 135 pounds)....I like women with "big tits" - millions of women get implants every year, why won't you (mind you I'm a 34C)?....I can't stand body hair on women, you need to get a full face/body wax or look into laser hair removal (I have normal face/body hair according to my aesthetician and yes, I have always regularly waxed my eyebrows and private area)....I like women that are tan, you need to join a tanning salon and get some color on your skin"....He would say all of these things to me and then guilt me into believing it and telling me that if I really loved him, I'd want to make these changes for him. That I must not care about him that much if I couldn't make those simple lifestyle changes for him. Sadly, I did all of them but the breast augmentation. And had it not been for the cost, I probably would have done that too. I hang my head in shame even writing this. How could I have fallen victim to this monster and crazier yet, how is it that I miss him?
The physical views he imposed on me were only part of his rage and demands. He hated that I had been previously married (7 years divorced) and often questioned how I could say I was committed to him when I didn't stand by my man in my marriage? I explained to him numerous times the verbal/psychological abuse I experienced at the hands of my husband, yet during fights, he'd always throw it in my face that I didn't know what commitment meant and that he needed someone by his side that would always be there to support him. Yet, when one of my best male friends unexpectedly died in a car accident, he refused to go to the memorial/funeral service with me and actually told me via phone that he didn't want to see or be around me until I was done grieving for my friend. He would also always expect me to be on time for planned events, yet he was almost always late and never once had the common courtesy to let me know he we running late. After sitting and waiting for him for no less than half an hour, I'd call or text to find out where he was only to find out he was still golfing/working/running errands/at the bar with the guys/etc. When I would explain how that was disrespectful of him towards me he'd call me a nag and tell me he "didn't need that in his life" and "that's why he's been single for 38 years". He literally said to me on numerous occasions, "this is my world, if you don't like it, you can get out of it".
I have a fairly high profile job as a marketing executive and with that comes many perks from a social perspective. He always joined me as my guest at concerts, sporting events, etc. Always for free and always at the VIP level. He never once thanked me or acted as if it was something special. It was as if it was expected. He never once planned any of our vacation getaways, rather he'd let me use my contacts to get us free rooms at places or use my credit card points to pay for the hotel. Yet, he presented himself as a successful business owner, living the life of a priveleged bachelor - 6 bedroom house on a lake, drives a nice car, etc. Only, I found out months into our relationship that he rents the house (his two houses are in foreclosure) and doesn't own a car (his business is in used car sales so he just takes whatever is on the lot and drives it) and he doesn't OWN the business, he's just the sales arm of it. Red flags anyone? Why didn't I see them????
On a vacation to the Bahamas, he lost $5K in the casino in less than an hour and didn't blink an eye. Same thing at one of the Indian gambling casinos here at home. Yet I had to pay for the washer and dryer he needed to buy (he did ultimately pay me back, but it took six months). He paid $4K to put up crown mouldings and change the carpet in a house he rents, yet he has no living room furniture. Just a TV and a recliner. When we broke up the last time, he sent me emails saying how depressed he was and that he planned on purchasing a boat within 60 days so he'd have something to fill his time. Guess what, we got back together and still no boat, 80 days later. Surprise, surprise!!!
About eight months into our relationship, he finally admitted he was going to have to file for bankruptcy. Both of his homes were in foreclosure and he owed a lot of money to some company from a failed business venture in Texas. He also owed a buddies parents $30K for helping them start that now defunct business. He made it seem like it wasn't his fault. The odds were just against him and so his financial state plummeted. I believed him and even felt sorry for him. Just got dealt a bad hand, if you will. But he promised me he was going to start over and do things the right way. He and I were going to build a healthy financial future together and live below our means so we'd never have to worry about money again. It all sounded so great. Now mind you, I own my own home with 50% equity, own my own vehicle outright, no payments and have no other outstanding debt but my mortgage payment. I think I'm in pretty good shape on my own! I don't NEED him for ANY financial reasons, in fact, I think it's more the other way around. Yet, here I am, alone again, with him owing me money again. "The check's in the mail" were his final words to me....I'm thinking not!
I was always supportive and honest with him and I wanted to believe he was with me, eventhough he proved over and over again not to be. Why couldn't I see what was right in front of me? Everybody else did. My family hated him after, I think, the second breakup when he called me a whore because one of his friends hugged me to thank me for tickets I had gotten him for a comedy show. They ended up getting into a physical fight over it later in the evening and he left me stranded in the parking lot of the venue. I had to call a cab to get home all the while getting texts from him telling me what whore I was. I was completely blind sided by his actions and his verbal assault. He actually has a battery charge with the state pending against him because his now ex-friend filed a police report against him (can't say that I blame him).
Yet, I kept going back to him. Over and over and over. I've made excuses for him, but there is no reason for his actions. They are inexcusable. I'm sorry this is so long and somewhat rambly. I just kept typing as I was thinking of things that have happened. My heart feels like I'll never love anybody again like I love him. While I know he is sick, does it make me sick for missing him and continuing to love him? Wishing it could all be different? Wishing we could be back to that happy place where there was no drama and just fun and love? I truly feel like I'm going crazy when I try to decipher it all. It's starting to affect my work and daily mood. I can't let go of it all eventhough I know it's for the best. What do I do???