Narcissist Ex goodbye text to me... help!!
Narcissist Ex goodbye text to me... help!!
I recently joined this forum after having read tons of articles on here due to my most recent breakup with my ex. He is not officially diagnosed as a Narcissist, but he has a lot of uncanny traits of a Covert Narc. Here is a link to a page that pretty much describes him to a T: 30 Red Flags You Might Be Dating a Narcissist. My ex was always very sweet to me. He always got me a blanket when I was cold without me even asking. Would cook every night (he loved to cook). When I was out of work he'd always offer to hear about my day and rub my feet. Always giving me massages, etc. However, I had my doubts about him because he was a pathological liar. Since the first day I met him it was like he wasn't happy with himself and who he was so he always tried to either project himself as being one with the upper classes (he's a bartender in a wealthy town... even though he lives outside said town), or he would just say things he knew people would want to hear (i.e. that he was attending university when really he had dropped out after his first year not even having finished his gen. eds.) In the beginning things moved quickly, but slowly at the same time. He wasn't around often, or as often as Narcs apparently are with their love-bombing, but the times we were together he would say how perfect I was and even said "Marry me" after one of the moments we had made love. He was very romantic... always. Through all 8 years of our relationship. There were times I pushed him away because I didn't think it was appropriate that he would lie about his whereabouts and then the next day we spent together he would be all over me with either no apology, or an apology that would last just that one day until I forgave him and he was right back to ignoring my texts and calls. I became so co-dependent on him that I actually became a psycho... sometimes I wonder if I'm the real narcissist in the relationship it's so hard to tell. There is so much more I can write, and if there are any questions for me I'd be more than happy to answer/clarify, but the reason why I am writing all of this today is because I want to copy and paste his goodbye text to me in hopes that someone might analyze it and help me figure out whether or not I am dealing with a (Covert) Narc like I think I am.
Backstory of the breakup:
Ex lied to me about being at the bar... again... I had showed up (as I often did out of anxiousness... poor decision I know) and I slapped him. I feel awful about it, but he was trying to play it off like he hadn't lied, hadn't turned his phone off, etc. Just as a side note, these last few weeks/months he'd been turning off his location settings on his phone ONLY after he'd be getting out of work and then would turn it back on while he was on his way home 'from work' when really I have no idea where he was driving home from. We sat down together and he cried to me saying how I was going to lose him if I kept this abuse up and I was crying too, I felt awful like I said. I thought we had reconciled, but as usual, nothing was ever easy. A few days had gone by and he kept bringing up the incident of me slapping him, claiming now that some people at his work were concerned about him and about me abusing him. He claimed he went out with his friends and that they were telling him that he seemed miserable in this relationship with me and he claimed that they cared about him and wanted him out of this relationship he had with me. He claimed that he was drinking himself to sleep because of me. (He'd been having issues with alcohol ever since before I met him... not sure to what extent but he drove his car into a fire hydrant once and would constantly come home drunk according to his parents... who are questionably narcs too, not sure... but that's a diff story).
Anyway, very long story short, he tells me there's someone else. Describes her as kind and sweet... she's getting her PhD at a local ivy league university nearby (one that he always used to ask me why I didn't want to attend... even though I already have 2 B.A. degrees in liberal arts from an accredited university and all HE has is his HS Diploma... which is fine but then why comment on my education...?) At first he told me they were just friends and that he just needed some time away from me to figure things out... of course they weren't just friends. After a few months of NC, I returned his house key and as soon as I did he contacted me and told me that he was worried about me and that he missed me and he kept saying 'why did you have to slap me, now things are complicated' meaning that there was someone else involved. I let him back in my life, all so he could explain how nice this girl was, but that he knew he wanted to be with me so he had to let her go I just needed to 'let him do it they way he needed to' whatever that meant. A few more weeks go by and he invites me to have lunch and then go see a movie, during which he held my hand and was very sweet and romantic. He kept telling me 'I'm coming back and when I do it's for good. This is my decision no one else's. I've had too much fun with you and love you too much to leave.' I must've asked him if he was leaving me or staying 20 times to which he replied he was never ever going to leave me. Something I'd hear often. Anyway... the next day he tells me 'do you really think this can work between us?' and now I get nervous because he wasn't speaking of these doubts earlier. Another few weeks go by and he tells me that we have to talk, that he'd seen that girl again (who he never left as he promised he had), that he had gone to see her to tell her that he was still having feelings for me and that, upon seeing her, it was like seeing an old friend and he wanted to explore it further. Apparently they tried sleeping together and he couldn't because he was 'too emotionally attached to me still'... but they had already gone to the beach and out to dinner and apparently had talked about meeting each other's parents (her parents live in another state which he told me he was going to travel to once he was fully recovered from his upcoming ACL surgery that I was supposed to attend). He told me that she knew about how difficult it was for him dealing with his parents growing up (just like I knew) and how even though he was just a bartender that her parents would accept him either way (she comes from a wealthy background). Him and I end up talking for about an hour and a half and of course I'm crying, and he's crying telling me that he wants to be with me and he always has but he just doesn't trust me (that I won't rage at him anymore about his lying, etc.). He tells me he's going to break things off with her that night. 2AM the next morning/same night, I get a call from him and he's crying telling me how hard it was to leave her and how sweet she was and how she didn't even see it coming because he apparently never ever mentioned me before to her (which contradicted anything he had told me prior about how he did tell her he was getting out of an 8 year relationship... you know, because they were 'just friends'). He tells me he left her because he was so loyal to me and he tells me that he is embarrassed at himself for returning to me. I ask him if she's completely out of the picture and instead of answering me he just replies with 'she was just so nice... it was just nice knowing that opposites can attract.' He made sure I knew that she was just as involved as her was, like how she was crying to him telling him how things were moving quickly but that she felt really close and he said he felt close too. After I hear all of this, obviously I sense something isn't right and I tell him that he should only be coming back to me if HE loves me and not doing it just for me. I felt like my heart was tearing in two. I felt like that was the ultimate guilt trip. Either way he tells me he loves me and that he will call me the next day. Next day comes and I get a text from him right before he goes into work and it says 'I didn't want to break up with her, you manipulated me. I was falling for her. Don't call me I'm getting ready for work." So obviously now I'm frantic and I reply to him saying 'are you saying you're leaving me again?' to which he replies 'no, I'm saying I didn't want to break up with her'. I try to get any information I can out of him and instead he swears at me telling me don't effing call him and that he will call me after he's out of work... which he never does. To that, I didn't follow up. I was supposed to go to his knee surgery the following week... which he re-invited me to when he originally had come back to our relationship... but then I assumed that since I hadn't heard from him that I wasn't going anymore. Turns out his mom went with him and then he had that new girl over his house during his recovery.
I made every mistake in the book... I tried calling her, but she hung up. I sent her screen shots of text messages between him and I showing her proof that he told me that 'she meant nothing to him' and that she was 'no one'. That all of this that was happening was about the 'crazy control (that I had on him) that he was trying to break'. She has been over his house several days since, so she clearly doesn't care, or he already told her I was a nut-job. We live 4 seconds away from one another so I drive by his house on my way to work every day whether I mean to or not, to answer anyone's question of how I know whether or not the girl is there.
Either way... I need help interpreting this text message. It was a reply to an apology text I had sent to him.. begging. I sent my message around 5AM and his response was around 5 mins after I had sent mine:
Raquel (my name) what I did to you last month was abhorrent (he doesn't usually use vocabulary like this). I pulled you back to see if I wanted this to work. We went to the movies. We said we loved each other and said goodnight. Raquel I knew at that moment out time together had passed. Raquel I don't feel the same way anymore I don't. And it doesn't have to do with anyone but you and I. I tried I cared and I wanted to protect you from all those fears and doubts. All I ever wanted was to make you happy and to makes things easier for you in any way any capacity I could. But over the years I had become hollow. I had lost that feeling of wonder and gay. I was a miserable person who was taking out all of my discretion on myself. Raquel I hated being in this relationship. I had for some time. I would work to the bone and come home to grit my teeth and get through the weeks. It may not have seemed that way but it was the truth. Raquel I always wanted this to work but I had lost myself completely. And not to focus on only the bad but the verbal and physical abuse over the years took a toll on me I truly feel you will never understand. You hurt me in a way that I didn't think was possible. You took away my pride my masculinity. I was nothing but a shell. And day after day I would try and try and try. I would be sweet even though I was constantly disappointed in myself and fearful and angry with you. Raquel I was fearful of you. I never understood why you could or had to hurt me as much as you did week after week month after month year after year. I was always faithful to you always. I never cheated. All I ever did was not pick up or lie I was on my way home when I was finishing a beer with friends. But alas I stuck it out. I thought to myself. This is what love is. This is what a relationship is. This is what it means to care about someone. To suffer for a greater good. It's not the truth. I've moved on Raquel and nothing is going to bring me back. I will always care about you and have the fond memories we shared together. But that part of my life is over. I never gave you the closure you wanted because I truly resented you. I'm sorry for acting that way. And as much as it hurts yes Raquel I'm with someone else. Someone I am curious to see where it could go. If you ever cared about me at all through all your abuse please I beg you. Stop calling her. Stop sending screen shots. It's accomplishing nothing but reinforcing the pure decision I have made. I wish the best for you Raquel as I always have. But you have to let me live my life. I gave you all I had. Now I need to give myself some love. To take care of myself and to find happiness somehow. I'm sorry for all I've put you through the past. I was never perfect. I will never regret what we had together. It's a new chapter in our lives.
I'm sorry Raquel but after the screen shots and other things you have also forced me to say goodbye. I beg you don't ruin my life out of vengeance. Be the great person I know you are. Please carry your head high with pride and overcome the anger you bear.
I have to sleep I have a early appointment tmr. Maybe when more time has passed we could possible speak. But for now it is goodbye. And idk if this means anything to you. But my heart and prayers go out to your father. I think of him every day. Goodnight Raquel.
(7 mins later)
Also I read everything it's hard to articulate all my feelings this late. I read and felt every word.
Thank you to all who reply. I really need as much help as possible here.