Am I crazy or am I being controlled by a narcassist - Please can someone help me

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#1 October 21, 2017 - 1:26pm

Am I crazy or am I being controlled by a narcassist - Please can someone help me

I am going to try and sum up a 10 year experience into one short summary. Thanks for reading in advance.

At the age of 14 I met my ex. From the beginning it was pretty much doomed, there were rumours of him kissing friends, sleeping with others I know and he had the longest list of 'mixed race female friends' I have ever known. I never trusted him and his activties. I always felt like I was in competition with literally every girl I knew, I got bullied and it was like I fought the world to get his love. I can't remember all of this much as it was all so long ago ( nearly 10 years ) but all I do remember is being COMPLETELY in 'love' with this guy. But over time, when I think about it I just became more and more consumed with him and his actions, I remember discussing the relationship at such great lengths with anyone and everyone who would listen. But it was never about how good things were going, it was always issues, questioning absolutely everything, not really ever getting much out of any of it, just stress and confusion. To be honest the whole experience was just painful and I think I started to associate this pain with what love was meant to feel like.

During this time he also convinced me my mother who was the only person at home was this evil figure. I ended up hating and fighting with her and it was because of these conversations with this guy. He hated her so much and now so did I. I feel like I was slowly being isolated from everyone I knew but I can't be sure. I also lost all of my friends, because my mind was so consumed and obsessed with him and the issues that I literally couldn't think of anything else. However he became friends with them all and I was put on this outside? It is the weirdest thing to describe. And then eventually I became so depressed, I just remember feeling completely empty and alone, and just crying all the time. I had literally lost everything and everyone apart from him, I was now failing at school and I just couldn't get out of it. I would just lie in bed so depressed crying, my mum trying to help but me hating on her and then just begging this guy to love me. I just remember feeling like he never treated me properly, there was always soo many reasons to be unhappy everything was painful but I stayed because I loved him. But when things were at their worst, he left and blamed it all on me. I tried to call, I begged, I did everything and from that moment onwards I blamed myself for eveything.

6 months later he is in a new relationship and seems very happy, whereas I am completely distraught because I thought I had actually loved him and it had all been really hard to deal with. Shortly after this I moved away to start university, and I will never forget him trying to message me and get in contact when I was finally doing ok. Sending me songs on my birthday, long chats, I thought he wanted me back. But he then just said he was using me because his girlfriend was away and he was lonely. This happened many times and honestly it feels like every time I was actually doing alright he would get in contact as a like reminder he was there. Even when he had a girlfriend he would message me asking for photos etc. and then the girl would find out and he would ignore me again.

The main point is, over the past 8 years I feel like I have been constantly used. I have never been able to move on and it feels like I have been constantly waiting for him while he has moved on and maintained a relationship. In my head I know i have created some weird image of what it was all like in the past when tbh it was actually a horrible relationship to be in even though I loved him. It ruined me. I just still feel like no one compares to him and I dont know why.

8 years later, I message him ( because im still obsessed) and we start speaking and I quickly learn he has broken up with his long term gf. But honestly when he told me this all I could feel was this like weird pull, like a hooover was sucking me up into a shitbag and I couldn't get out. It was a horrible feeling. And after this we were talking again, he was expecting sexy photoes and sex talks because I was long distance and it was like he just expected it all even after all of this time. On top of that, he wasnt actually being that nice to me and he said it was becuase 'he knew what I was like' ? I went completely crazy, very quickly became so isolated again. I was self diagnosing myself with everything under the sun to try and explain why I was constantly feeling confused. One mintue I thought he was pure evil, the next I loved him, it was so strange. Straight away he was telling me that his ex never meant as much as I did, it was just a distraction and I bought it. But then the next day, he wants nothing serious and it doesnt mean anything. Within weeks he was promising me holidays, but then not speaking to me for days. It was so unstable and too confusing to me. I was sort of wary and scared but also craving and seeking approval and better treatment, its so weird. He was never nice to me, like actually nice. and I was just always constantly crying and asking why he couldnt treat me better and he would just say i should need him to treat me better. I started believing that I actually just desrved and shouldnt complain if I got bad treatment and felt like i was slowly being groomed into expecting and being happy with breadcrumbs. It never felt right but if I was silent and happy with breadcrumbs then things were better. But then the next I would explode again blaming his drug addiction one minute then apologizing for what ive done. There was always a reason why everything was my fault and why I shouldnt ever expect good treatment from him. It was so confusing. and now after 6 months of this pure torture I'm now so obsesssed with all of the issues and trying to work things out. It consumes me every single day and I just want to get out of it. I honestly feel like he has made me crazy and he is like in my head constantly. For months it felt as though this guy was like re-writing my mind through talking to me, but I was allowing and encouraging it? I cant describe it but he basically goes very silent a lot of the time and I feel like he does it deliberately because he knows it drives me nuts? But when I tell him, he just says dont expect anything from more from me, etc. He said he was trying to help me with my issues but i think it just allowed him to get so deep into my brain it let him mess with my mind. All talking to him has ever done is make me obsessive about him and crazy. I am back to feeling so isolated and confused, and I'm back to chasing, pleading and begging this guy to stay because of our 'connection' when really i know he treats me like scum and I hate it? To top it off he has now blocked me on everything and yup, its my fault. Please can someone help me? Am I crazy is it my fault? What the hell is going on im so confused.

February 15, 2018 - 12:36pm

Am I crazy?

OMG. so many similarities! I dont know for sure if my ex is a narcissist but I suspect he is among other things. I am so sorry u feel this way, I truly feel ur pain. My story* We have been together off and on for 21 years. The love of my life. He is 42 and I am 47. In the beginning I was special to him, so i thought. Cheating has always been an issue for us, even in the beginning. His excuse? he was young back then however its still happening yrs later. On fbruary 2nd I caught him at another hotel. This isnt the first time. He wanted to come bck home n work it out n talk and i said no...i was done. Was I? He has been at the hotel living with this girl every since. 15 days today n I feel like im slowly dying inside. He has shut off contact with me for the last 6 days. A lil history* He is an alcoholic, physically abusive, mentally n emotionally. He calls me horrible names and throws every flaw and insecurity I have in my face when hes angry and thats usually most the time. He is a raging drunk, a mean one, he drinks and gets instantly angry...Hes rude n disrespectful n has even talked about my adult children. Has nothing nice to say about anyone. He has wrecked my cars drunk...kicked doors in...punched holes in my walls..damaged my things etc etc. Everything revolves around drinking. Everyday is a celebration and an excuse to drink. I have seen him go some days without drinking but its how he drinks that is bad. He rarely stops. Gets so drunk hes slurring n sloppy drunk. He goes out n fights with people he doesnt even know n sometimes forgets the next day about any of it. He has no boundaries or limits. Yesterday was the hardest day yet *valentines day* all day i laid in bed n thought about how he was spoiling the new girl n treating her great. horrible day for me but i made it! I feel alot like u, why cant i jus move on completely? I am 100% sure that I will NEVER take him back but the emotinial part is a lil more complicated. It truly bothers me that hes jus enjoyin his new life with his new girl n everythings great..Really? How? Like he jus walked away and I mean nothing. His main goal is to *have more money* he is obsessed with dressing in the best n having nice materail things. Hes not that great looking so I am sure has some low self esteem altho he comes off as cocky n above everyone else. I dont even kno how to explain it. Its crazy! I dont kno if hes a narcissist but someone that acts like he does, HAS to have some underlying issues. Thats NOT normal to treat someone like this. I kno that its a good thing he stopped contact with me but doesnt make it any easier. Last thursday he did call me we talked an hr n he said all the right shit. he missed us, wanted to make everything right..blah blah blah...then showed up at my house while the gurl was at the hotel waiting on her knight in shining armor n i told him to leave. he sent me texts about hes here to spend the nigth with me, wants to love on me etc etc..called me 12 times on block n i didnt answer...Took a screen shot of all of it n sent it to his girl to let her kno. She decided to stay with him lol...n thats when he cut off contact, hes now showing her that hes done with ME so I think thats why he stopped cus he knows ill tell her on him. I locked his phone last saturday so that i couldnt reach out anymore cus i kneew hed go get another phone. n he did I dont have the number. A blessing im sure but i want the satisfaction of ignoring HIM, I deserve that not him. If he did contact me, I wouldnt even reply, I jus need the satisfaction of doing that for my own closure. This man has called me a fat B* for years and the girl hes with now? is close to 400 and im not exaggerating. Maybe hes with her for financial reasons I dont kno. He fits the narcissist criteria but not all of it. Any feedback is welcome. so sorry ur going thru this @jakobsex...chin up I hear it does get better! we both deserve better n someday will have that!

February 15, 2018 - 12:45pm (Reply to #3)


I forgot to add that once i told him to leave my house, he sent me horrible texts. *ur dead to me, she looks better then u, u still dont see it n u never will, ur gonna see*. This is the last contact I had with him. so once I denied him, everything changed. A part of me hopes that he will reach out just so I can ignore him. I wouldnt even give him a response. He doesnt deserve that!

December 13, 2017 - 5:39pm

Hi Dear

Hi Dear
I was exactly where you are now, and unfortunately those are the effects of being with a narcissist or atleast loving one. He has fed on you, your identity, your emotions to a point where it is now messing with your mind and the reason you are in this state is because you gave him power over you. A narcissist is like a 3 year old, to him you are a toy ( sad but true ) whenever a new toy comes along he will have that temporary excitement, in his eyes you are one of his toys and just like a toy you are meant to be toyed with (in his mind).

I am still struggling however I am way better than I was when I was in your state, your number one goal at this moment should be to obtain freedom. I dont know if you believe in God, if you do read up on soul ties and cutting cord and be obsessed on breaking the invisible cords first because that is where it has trapped you the most. The more you pray, the lighter you will begin to feel... Then educate yourself on narcissism as much as you can, every morning when you wake and evening before you sleep, so you mind begins to view him as the danger that he truly is. Write a journal, filling it with everything that you are feeling, then read it at the end of the week, what you read there will divert the attention to you and recondition your brain to consider you as a person whom needs help...

Apologize to yourself, cry for yourself so you can start forgiving yourself for giving so much of yourself to something that has no soul, that will then assist you to remember that you too are a person who deserves to be loved, not only that, but being loved by you. Cry, cry and cry some more, focus on your pain, feel it in your body and release it with your tears, and dont forget to pray throughout this entire process as this will also teach you that there is a higher source that will assist you in this journey of recovery, so you can one day begin the journey towards finding you.

You are not crazy my angel, I know that no contact is a mission but right now because he has emptied you of yourself, you might feel as if it is him that you are missing or craving to fill the void however, you are really only missing the you that you gave away... I really trully hope that you too will have a divined intervention like I experienced before embarking on my recovery and I will pray for you because at this moment that is the only thing that help you... Lots of love

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