Silent Treatment, No Contact, Discard

What does it all mean?

NC is something done when one realizes they are in a toxic unhealthy R when used for our purposes here.

It is a choice one makes.

ST is designed to get a reaction out of you as Used clearly described to you.

Every time a narcissist does not choose to engage with you, it is not always either or (ST/NC).

Sometimes it's discard. You are not serving a purpose right now for them.

You are a booty call, cash-cow, social status hit, being used for triangulation purposes or any reason they have. They need an ego boost. Status report; to see if you have new supply. The rules you must follow do not apply to them. They are bored. It varies.

If none if those reasons apply today, you will not hear from them.

You are basically on call to be used as needed.

No need for the Narc today with you =

No call.

No text.

No email.

No drop by.

Narc wants something from you =

Call

Text

Email

Drop by

You are complicating this. It truly is this simple.

PD's are not complicated.

They use you and know what they want.

We complicate this by pretending that there is more to the R than there is.

There is not.

Narc uses you and you don't like this.

So you pretend the R is something different or better.

This is what we do.

Wishful, fantasy, magical thinking.

Of course the Narcissist lies.

Their actions do not match their words.

Yet time and time again many choose to believe that which there is no evidence to see.

Change the way you think and the pain will lesson in time.

Together in Recovery~
Goldie

support@lisaescott.com

How to schedule a ONE ON ONE with Goldie

Please order your session through the following link right here on the site or you are welcome to order it through my email if you need a generic receipt, it will say nothing aside from my email.

Here on the site: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie

Blank receipt: go to paypal and order through my email support@lisaescott.com

To join my Support Group please order through the following link: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie

Once you have ordered your ONE ON ONE or the GROUP SUPPORT SESSIONS, please email me with your time zone and availabilty and we will set up the one on one. I will at that time provide you with my call in phone number or if you have a Skype account you may dial in through that account directly to my phone number which will be provided for you once your session is ordered.

The session lasts at least 1 hour and we will work through what is concerning you the most at this time. Everything discussed between us is completely confidential.

Please feel free to email me at anytime with your questions or concerns.

support@lisaescott.com

Schedule a one on one or Support Group with Goldie.

http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie

December 16, 2013 - 7:37pm

Silent Treatment

I have so much to say and am feeling like I don't even know where to start. I have been with narcissists my whole life I learned in the past three years. My father was one and I am trying to recreate the past/ending. But the silent treatment is new for me this time around --- and it is killing me. How do we get abused when we try to stand up for ourselves and then get punished for their bad behavior. It is so hard!!! I can't wrap my head around it. I know we can't wrap our heads around them. But there is so much that goes around in my head. Because I feel like every man I dated really couldn't be a narcissist. It must be me. But their lying, cheating, gas lighting, and crazy making is real. I am soooo struggling! I have been blocked like I did these things. And he just throws out intermittent texts to me. I feel like I am going crazy. :-(.....

February 14, 2014 - 6:34pm (Reply to #23)

Identify

I identify with your post sooooo much. I realise that since coming to this site that my father is also an N as are my brothers and I attract N's as a result. I think that the silent treatment is now a blessing, because what is the alternative?
Intermittent texts are just that, a reaction to being bored, bit like a fishing,throw a line out see what comes reeling in.
I have had the same thoughts and no they have not all been narcs but I realise this and it is the excitement in the beginning that reels me in and that is what I must work on because it is FALSE.
I hope you are finding some peace in all the chaos, I am NC and to be honest it is SO peaceful and my anxiety levels are lower which leaves time for me to start loving me which is a new and strange feeling but to be honest I quite like me and am planning my next journey.
The XN will remain exactly where he is because he does not know any different and never will.

As Sam Cooke says 'change is gonna come, yes it wiil'

Hugs

Epi
xox

December 22, 2013 - 12:06pm (Reply to #22)

No contact since noon Friday wi the Cheating Narc

I confirmed that my narc was cheating on me with a co-worker of mine. Friday it was so obvious and came after a week of D & D, then days of ST. I am so sick of it, I have let him come back and forth into my life for 5 yrs. NO MORE!! I am crushed, hurt, angry, disappointed, lost.....! He has drug me through hell and back, with big ups and mean lows. And a cheater on top of it all. I even know her name and that he was with her at noon on Friday. He didn't answer my call or text for hours. He told me "a friend came by"!! I am so mad at myself and need to stopped going over and over all of his BS. Should I make one last contact to tell him I know about his cheating. I have read the book "The Path Forward" and want so bad to move forward. THanks for all of you and your blogs. TD

December 16, 2013 - 9:33am

ST/NC/Discard

BOOM! This is exactly what i have to tell myself with my present circumstances and xN that "needs something from me".

This is awesome. Thank you.

Someone said to me once... "time takes time".... so I do not have to be too hard on myself that I still have to really work at this after 16 months of solid NC. I can look at my progress, of which there is much, and know I can come here for truth and reality checks to get me through this.

Thanks!
round3

December 18, 2013 - 8:02pm (Reply to #17)

NC for 13 months

Thank you for sharing round3 -- I am 13 months solid NC

For those of you who are new to NC -- I can tell you NC does work. I am making progress . . . I don't obsesss, but still "think" more than I wish I did.

I read, read, read, and that helps me ingrain the N behavior in my head. I am in therapy and working on co-dependence and growing up with an N mom. I understand better why I am the way I am and why I stayed with an N so long. I am learning to be o.k. on my own. Although at times I feel a new relationship would be nice, I am pretty o.k. not being in one -- in fact in some ways, rather enjoy not being in one. I don't feel I have the energy for one really -- I think the N drained me so much that the thought of starting something new is exhausting.

I still wonder how N's newest relationship is doing . . . I wish I didn't care at all, but I still wonder a bit. Its not so new anymore . . . going on a year -- and I am certain she has gotten STs or has experienced no response to calls or texts, or the crazy-making of always being the one wrong or wanting too much. I don't ask, but sometimes people just volunteer info -- She was to be moving in this fall, but sounds like she is not here yet -- He doesn't volunteer his exciting marriage news and is still in the bars -- Probably not unlike how he was when he and I were engaged. He has not changed. He won't change. I know that intellectually. Really, it does not matter, but I still find myself wanting the relationship to fall apart because I feel it would validate me . . . I know it is stupid. I know its not healthy.

I am not completely healed and wonder how long this will take. I was with the N for 8 years. Wish I could heal faster, but I am still living proof that NC works. I have made great strides and all of you can too.

As I always say, it is so nice to have a place to come to where people understand it and support you. I've mentioned before that the outside world doesn't get the devastating effects an N relationship can leave on a person and the time it takes to heal.

December 22, 2013 - 3:22pm (Reply to #18)

Grrrr...I want his romances to fail

I know how you feel. I know my narc was cheating, Friday is the start of no contact for me. I want him and her to be miserable. I just wish I knew what others think, should I have one last contact and tell him I know about him and his girlfriend ? I know he could careless that I am hurt or done. 5 yrs of ups and downs. Weeks of the ST and then loving for a couple days, bamb back to D & D.

December 22, 2013 - 3:54pm (Reply to #19)

TDbfree

It's a waste of time. As you say, he could care less. Telling him you know about him serves no purpose whatsoever.

Contact=pain. Whatever his response (including no response at all) it will end in pain, rejection, confusion. Not worth it. Ever. Concentrate on you.

December 22, 2013 - 4:02pm (Reply to #20)

Thanks so much, I just needed

Thanks so much, I just needed to hear someone else's view. I guess I just wanted to tell him so he knows that his screwing around isn't a secret. Or maybe to let him know I am not blind or stupid. He broke up a family, the OW left her husband of 20 yrs and their little boy now has a broken home. No contact is so hard when you're hurt and angry. Thanks for replying, I'm sinking.

December 13, 2013 - 3:51pm

In the middle of another D & D

This is my first time to comment. This site has been a lifesaver. I'm trying to break free from a 5 yr relationship with my narc distant boyfriend . I feel like the biggest, most stupid women for not being able to maintain the No Contact rule. I caught him cheating, to which he doesn't acknowledge , so now I'm getting the silent treatment only after the ugly text about my expecting too much. I received 1 text first thing this morning about he weather and then nothing all day. And you know I had to make a stupid little comment back. Grrrrrr....I just what to tell him to "kiss my a.." And never contact him again . I have read so many helpful stories and I need to keep reminding myself he doesn't care about and is a useless piece of dirt. It's so so hurtful and such a hard thing to break free from.

December 18, 2013 - 8:13pm (Reply to #15)

It is hard

It is hard to leave, but you can do it, and you will when you are finally ready to work towards a better life. We all have stories of crazy mean things the N does and then how he turns it around and blames the "victim" of his abuse. When you are NC for a while, you can see that crazy stuff much clearer.

With me, I finally had had enough crazy making, and enough hating myself for not being a stronger woman. I could not figure out why I put up with so much BS. When I was finally ready, I blocked his number so I could not see any texts or get any calls. That is the biggest thing that helped me. I was tired of all his stupid attempts to get me to respond. They ranged from nice to mean to sarcastic to trying to be funny . . . he tried all angles for a response. Also, I was no longer on pins and needles wondering if or when he would text and how it would make me feel.

Good luck to you. I hope you are ready soon. Once I started no contact, I read and read and read. It helps. Sometimes I would come home from work and spend all evening reading. It would make me feel better about getting him out of my life and helped me not miss the good times as much.

The support here is great too. I know you can do it when you put your mind to it. And when you do -- you have tons of support and information here. It doesn't happen overnight, but healing does happen if you stay NC long enough.

Hugs,

December 13, 2013 - 6:11pm (Reply to #11)

Think about it...

I too caught my ex narc cheating and I called him on it. Yet, he gave me the silent treatment and I tried to make him feel better about cheating on me.

How does this sound to you? Crazy...huh

We allow men to mistreat us, use, manipulate and abuse us and then we beg them not to leave us. We have work to do on ourselves.

December 21, 2013 - 4:17pm (Reply to #13)

OMG I so relate

I caught mine still married ( he was supposed to be divorced) and texting love text to a previous girlfriend. I broke up with him and guess who is punishing me severely?? What did I do???

December 22, 2013 - 7:47pm (Reply to #14)

Punishment never stops til we do

I caught mine this past Friday. There has been no contact since. Like I did something wrong. He's a piece of dirt. I have checked my phone and kill myself with the desire to text him or call. But it NO contact for me. Good luck to us both.

December 13, 2013 - 8:28pm (Reply to #12)

I agree with this so much

Yes its like we dont want to face the truth

December 13, 2013 - 9:13am

Goldie.. I need help.

"NC is something done when one realizes they are in a toxic unhealthy R when used for our purposes here."

I feel that he is dong NC to safeguard himself .. I'm still feeling like the crazy/toxic one. If I were 'normal' during the relationship, I'd understand all this more so.. but I had crazy out-lashes during my weakest. He called me abusive.. during discard, he told me he confided in his mom and she said I was abusive. I did things that I'm ashamed of (hit, threw a speaker, banged his car window with my key when he was pulling away, leaving me in a restaurant parking lot alone). He drove me over the edge.. I wasn't myself. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time. Looking back, I feel like I was abusive.. that I drove him away bcus of it.. I feel ashamed, guilty and not liking myself.

Is he a true Narc, or am I crazy, abusive, highly unstable.. I'm still trying to figure it out and having a difficult time with it.

I was on a prescription diet pill for the duration of our relationship.. I was depressed, cried all the time, irritable, agitated, moody and when drinking I had aggressiveness. I didn't know its side effects until a gf told me, I thought I was under a lot of stress from divorce/moving/finances. I stopped taking it 1 month before discard. When I look back, I don't know if he caused that in me, the Phen or both.

I later learned about what's called Phen-Rage, it's aggressiveness when drinking while taking it. Now, I attribute my aggressive/craziness to that.. After our breakup I copied medical reports with the side effects and gave them to him, so he could see that it causes this behavior in people.

He blames me and my behavior for the demise of the relationship.. I blame me too.. He said he became a product of his environment by becoming mean, irritable, argumentative. So I suffer with a lot of guilt for these horrible things I did when together. I can't let that go.

December 18, 2013 - 8:22pm (Reply to #9)

I am glad you are meeting with Goldie

For one thing, you are questioning yourself which means you are not an N. An N thinks there is nothing wrong with themselves. Its awesome, normal and healthy to want to look at your part of the problem, but it sounds like he contributed plenty of crazy-making behavior. We all have behaved in ways we wish we would not have becaues N's drive people to the edge. Also sounds like he wants to blame everything on you -- very N ish.

If he is an N, you gave him a gift with the medical reports, etc., because he will use that against over and over again ad focus on that if you try to make him accountable for any part.

I certainly am no expert and Goldie will be a big help. Just wanted you to know that it still seems like he may have some N traits from reading your post. Hang in there.

December 14, 2013 - 12:12am (Reply to #7)

Hi Saving

You are welcome to email me or schedule a one on one.

Xo
Goldie

support@lisaescott.com

December 14, 2013 - 1:13am (Reply to #8)

Yes, thank you..

A one on one is a Christmas present I'm going to give myself.. I will be in touch soon. Thanks again.

December 12, 2013 - 12:37pm

SO TRUE

This sums up the last year and a half of my life with a narc:

"ST is designed to get a reaction out of you as Used clearly described to you.

Every time a narcissist does not choose to engage with you, it is not always either or (ST/NC)."

Now that I am doing NC (which is a challenge since he has taken some of my belongings hostage after our breakup in order for me to contact him still), I realize how unhappy I was the whole time, and mostly because of the continual cycle of control and demeaning behaviors through the well planned use of ST to get a rise out of me. EESH. So thankful that this is over. BUT more thankful for this website which has helped me SO MUCH by making me realize I am NOT crazy!!!!

December 7, 2013 - 12:35pm

Essential and good point

It might not seem as black and white except for the crucial fact that what caused the PD in the first place goes back, way back for some, to something in the N's life that set him/her up, you might say, for future relationship conflicts.

Couples counseling may (temporarily) change external behaviors in the Narc, but without him/her discovering and dealing with those developmental issues, the childhood abuse or some other psyche-altering trauma, core changes needed to fundamentally eliminate the meanness and cruelty toward others, changes emanating from the inside out, as it were, will not happen.

We do not arrive on the planet programmed for meanness and cruelty toward others. Something causes that.

Until the N's partner or spouse understands this, he/she will constantly believe he/she can effect true change in the N.

And that will wear him or her out, or worse.

Whom truth sets free is free indeed.

NC.

Blessings and hope,
Abigail

March 10, 2017 - 11:10am (Reply to #3)

Abigail, your post hits home

Abigail, your post hits home for me. This whole site has been a lifesaver each day, to hear others who understand.

I know my N's childhood was messed up. He says his parents were too tired and distracted to care about anything he did. He says he would have done better in school and done fewer drugs, yet he doesn't see the connection to his current behavior (which is drug-free, so one positive). His brother bends over backwards for his dad's approval, which he never gets, and his sister has limited her contact to being only polite. Yet my N doesn't see his behavior has anything to do with his parents. I keep thinking that once they pass, somehow a lightbulb will go off for him and he'll realize.

Couples counseling: He asks for specific words to say to have me be happy with his behavior, but I say it is more than repeated words. I want him to understand and feel... and that is where you comment really hit home. He never will. Or he hasn't yet. He says he doesn't know how he feels, and he doesn't understand how I feel. He says he tries but mostly he focuses on what specific words he has to say... and then when I try that approach at home ("when I say I feel... about..., I'd like you to say something like what the therapist suggested you say..."), it just doesn't ring true and his words are surrounded by his old behaviors and habits. Like he really, truly doesn't understand what I am asking.

It has been so frustrating and depressing. Our kids are 13 and 15, we live 1500 miles away from my family and my kids love their friends. I so desperately want to move back home but I know my kids want to complete high school with their friends. I haven't worked in almost 10 years as I didn't have a permission in this country, though I did get a very good one year contract last year and spent some of my earnings on lifesaving workshops and retreats away. But now I'm considering full time work to give myself more options.

I feel heartsick. And yet knowing there are others out there who really understand how I am feeling, is such a lifesaver. Part of me wants validation that what I'm feeling isn't crazy, and the other part of me already knows I'm not crazy. Thank you.

March 17, 2017 - 7:12pm (Reply to #4)

You are NOT crazy!

You're right, you are not crazy and knowing that you are not alone in getting over the heartache of a narcissist is exactly why I started this forum. You are not crazy. The narcissist engages in Crazy-Making Behavior in order to brainwash and manipulate you to keep you hooked. Please know you are not alone! XO

December 8, 2013 - 7:48pm (Reply to #2)

Great blog, Goldie!

Another great blog, Goldie! Thank you for reminding us:

"Narc wants something from you =

Call

Text

Email

Drop by

PD's are not complicated.

They use you and know what they want.

We complicate this by pretending that there is more to the R than there is.

There is not."

Narcs use people. The sooner we understand this, and change our way of thinking, like Goldie says, the better off we are. Change your way of thinking and change your life!

December 7, 2013 - 12:58am

thank you

Just the reminder I needed. Very clear cut explanation of why they talk to us at all. We all deserve better.

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