my heart is totally inside out (new here)

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#1 February 4, 2017 - 9:34pm

my heart is totally inside out (new here)

Hello everyone. I just found this site today and I am literally shaking with anxiety as I sit down to write this out. I don't even want to look at it on paper in some ways and I don't know where to start, either. Okay. So, I have been with a man who I thought was the absolute love of my life for a bit over a year. I am not going to get into details about the beginning of our relationship because it is massively triggering for me right now and I am skating on thin ice as it is on an emotional level. I consider myself to be a strong and fairly self aware person. I have worked hard on owning my stuff and being willing to heal and look at childhood pain and patterns that I have developed because of them. I am a sensitive person and I feel like I have a lot of compassion for people. Okay. Enter my partner, or whatever he is because he just discarded me for the second time on January 14th. Both times we had just been talking seriously about marriage and moving towards more solid commitments. Then, boom. And always with a sideswipe of all the ways I am not worthy of him. Down to my credit score. Or I am unstable. Etc. I am sure you have all heard it all. Well, I am at my wit's end. He has told me he is aware of his patterns and that he knows he needs help. He has told my CHILDREN this, as well. What an idiot he would be to leave me. How he knows he pushes me away and uses the silent treatment on me. Well, on the 13th I was feeling super depressed. He had been working ultra long hours at work (6:30 am until midnight) for a month and a half. Said he had a project with huge deadlines. Was working all day and then bringing his work home to do more. I was feeling lonely and sad. I tried expressing this to him, along with my sadness that we have been intimate a total of four times since October. In the beginning, we were constantly intimate and I was the love of his life and he was so proud to show me off. Well, he gave me the silent treatment for a week and a half after I tried expressing these things to him. Would talk to the dog and pet her but ignored me completely. So, he finally texted me at work and said we will be talking in person about this situation. I asked him if we could compromise and figure out another way to communicate because I was in pain. He said "I will not text" then ignored me for three more days. So, I finally talked to him in person and the first thing out of his mouth was "my partner will have a good credit score and be able to cosign on a mortgage with me." Mind you, I have been totally forthcoming about any of my situation with him since day one and on top of it, my narc father abandoned me because I didn't measure up on that level, as he is very wealthy. My "partner" definitely was trying to hit below the belt. He also informed me he had an engagement ring waiting in the safe because he "knew I would pull something like this" when I told him that I was confused about his intent due to the fact that in August he told me the only reason he hasn't proposed was because he didn't have the money at the time. (He had since sold thousands of dollars of equipment he had in the garage and bought thousands more, so I told him I was confused that he hadn't proposed yet.) He told me that I ruined the surprise and that it's my fault. So, the other day he told me I need to look at moving out. I moved here to be with him with my dog and my 17 year old son. He is now drinking nightly and watching violent gory movies to block me out, even though he said both those things are not things he wants in his life. I am. I haven't been eating, sleep is weird because I am processing the trauma in my dreams, my anxiety is through the roof, and I feel very lost and somewhat nuts. He is walking around, in his extremely regimented state, acting like his life is so wonderful without me. You guys, TWO DAYS BEFORE HIS HAPPENED he told me that this is OUR home and he is so lucky to have me and he is excited about our life together! And then last weekend he went away to the beach for a trip we had planned together for three months for a birthday party for a friend of his. He had said he wanted to introduce me as the love of his life and even included me in gift shopping for him. He has no one that is truly close in his life and his father is the master narc who beat him until he peed his pants as a kid. I see the effects it has had on him. I really thought I knew him. He is 43 and has never married. His life is all about a very tight, controlled schedule. He keeps people at arms length. He dresses impeccably and is obsessed with body building and his motorcycle. He is ultra proud of his status at work, even though he professes to hate his job and has the desire to be self employed. I hurt. Bad. There's so much more but I just need to talk about it. I need to feel like I am not completely nuts here. Please tell me I am not making this up in my head. Thank you for reading this. I am sorry it's so disjointed. I am losing my marbles.

February 7, 2017 - 7:40pm

Certainly sounds like he qualifies

I could put bullet points of narcissism all over your post. No you are not crazy, he is conditioning you to accept more abuse. I have heard many narcissists say they have the ring and you will get it if you behave and there was never a ring at all. He plays you with the pitiful childhood and the feigned self awareness all designed to keep your head in a spin. This is the way the game is played. Suck her in; push her out until they create a shell of a person in such a state of turmoil they begin to not only question themselves; they comply which is what it is all about for the narcissist and then once you are in full compliance they lose respect for you and say, look at yourself, you are a mess. It's a lose lose situation all around and you were conditioned to put up with this as a child. Your head may be telling you one thing, however we learn about love on an emotional level and this i where your weakness lies and he knows it so he uses it against you. They find the chink in your armor and exploit you with your own weakness. They offer you your biggest dream in the beginning and they use this to control you as well as using your biggest fears against you as you find yourself in too deep. Not easy to see when you are in the thick of it. Your story sounds like most of them on here. He dangles a carrot and then pulls it away, blames you for it, says one thing does another and the beat goes on. This is a preview of what your life will be like if you choose to marry him, only worse. They are always worse after marriage. So if this looks bad, watch him disappear for week at a time and add OW to the mix, why not he says to himself, I have her at home, now I will do exactly as I please by then he will have conditioned you to put up with just about anything. If you are looking for validation here, I validate this is an extremely toxic relationship and you need a support system to help you to see the truth. Clarity is what you need, he is not going to give you that. You are not the crazy one here, your post is crystal clear. Welcome to the forum, we have all been where you are and offer you our love and support. It's not easy to get out and stay out, it's a long journey.

Much love,
Goldie xo

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