How could i let myself get into this mess

I am convinced he had ps. HE is going to group theray for drpression. I bet he pulls the wool over the therapisits eyes. He seems to think he is the most normal one there and the counsellors favour him..I shoulda known
At the beginning so many promises, we were a family. So musch love...one day it was taken away and i was riding on thing rollercoaster on off on off. up down. I am in the midst of ST..to teach me a lesson i figure. I read some osts and i know that that is what he is doing..training me..to never ask for my needs to be met again...Intimacy..sexual intimacy..taken away...I winessed first hand he had an erection yet would not make love to me. I would do things dress up or not at all for him to show no interest..patience he said..i dont understand he is depressed. He was depressed a year ago nothing has changed except his attraction o me. Now i am in limbo. I went to see him yet again to tell him i was sorry as i usually do..he said he missed me..wont dare tell me he loves me. He never does when he is angry with me. He said he doesnt know what he wants to do..so his punishment isnt done..he hugged me as i left. I always felt he strung he along. I felt after so many months he was like a typical player..it's so much more than that.
I feel like such a fool 2 and a half years, sold my
home to be closer, involved my young children...one day he is here laughing and loving them, the next he is gone. I felt like nothing to him accept when things were good.
I know it is best for nc i deny that this cant be fixed somehow. He said he wasnt sure what was wrong with him. Most of his relationships moved very fast pregnant within 6 months..move in...
I am confused..i see the light though as when he would do this to me..vanish, I would think i couldnt breath without him. I know i could do it. It is the most painful thing I will do..let go of him.
Unfortunately I have heard and read that a relationship with a narc will be one of the most passionate, dramatic relationships ever. That would put most normal realtionships in the boring catagory. Not becasue of the drama..because of the intensity of the sexual attraction and the feelings of being wanted...at first. It is quite obvious he wont be that guy again. He admitted he wont be that guy again until he has to woo someone else. He should have a label..a tatoo watch out for me on his forhead.
The sad thing is, when he was back and forth with me and persuing others, i thought it was me. I am not ugly but i am no trophy at 120 lbs that he is use to.
He is a sick man and it is hardto come to terms with it..i will never have the life that i am looking for with him. But I am not ready to let go . I must tho.