Debidarling's Story

Why has he been so stupid?

This is a long story but I need to tell it to somebody and hopefully get some idea of why it happened. It is driving me mad not knowing.

In January, my STBX hit my teenage son and the police and social services were involved. A few days later there was another unpleasant incident which almost resulted in violence again. That night my STBX left home.

During the next few weeks, we had little contact but when we did he tried to get me to give him 'another chance'. (This was the 5th time he had moved out during our 9 year relationship). At first I wouldn't see him. He then stopped giving me any money even though I couldn't find a job. I think he was trying to force me to take him back for financial reasons. I got a job but it was really horrible and I hated it. I also felt that I hated him for putting me in this position.

Eventually, due to him continually trying to win me over, I gave in and agreed to try again at our marriage. We fell into a pattern of spending one night during the week and weekends together. For the next few months it was an on and off cycle. We would have a good time for a few weeks, then usually due to him not making time for me, we would fall out again and not see each other for a couple of weeks. Each time, he would contact me almost begging to try again and I gave in. In August, he started to complain about not living with me. He said he no longer felt like a husband and that we should be together. He often sent me texts saying he needed a cuddle and things like that. I think he was very lonely. But I couldn't let him move back in as he was still being horrible to my son and I couldn't trust him around him. I did try to explain that he could come back soon when I felt more comfortable with the situation and told him it would be before Christmas.

But what happened next was a complete shock to me. We spent a few days together and I really felt that we were getting on well. I was feeling more positive about our future and he had been talking about going on holiday and things like that so I thought he was too. But one day I text him to say I was home from work and to ask how his day was going and I got a text back that I didn't expect. He said that he wasn't happy anymore and had bad news for me. He said he was upset. I went into shock when I read that and immediately text back asking if he wanted to end our relationship. He replied that he was sorry but he wasn't happy to carry on. In hindsight, I reacted badly because I panicked. I told him I would send divorce papers to him and I did that the next day. A couple of days later I set up a profile on an internet dating site and somebody told him about it immediately. He text me saying good luck with it. I phoned him hoping he would say he still wanted me. I had only done it to make him realise I could get somebody else and he would lose me. Anyway, he did the exact opposite and told me he no longer loves me. He said he is moving on with his life and doesn't want me. I asked if there was another woman and he just said 'that doesn't matter, we are not together'. Since then he has literally disappeared. Nobody has seen him around and nobody seems to know where he is.

A week later he came to sign the papers and said he wasn't bothered about a divorce, we could just leave it for now. I insisted that we go ahead with it if we were not to be in a relationship. I was hoping that he would apologise and say he still wanted me ...... but he didn't. I noticed that he seemed to appear guilty about something. There was something odd about him. A day or so later I text him to ask him to meet me to talk. He never replied so I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt and saying that there was nothing I could do except say 'goodbye' if this is what he wants.

We then had no contact for a couple of weeks until one night I phoned him because I had heard his mother was dying. He hasn't spoken to her for years and I thought it would be a difficult time for him. I offered him support as I am still his wife. I asked him to try again with me and go for counselling. I told him I still love him and miss him. He broke my heart then. He told me that he has another woman and that he is living with her part time. I asked if he is happy and he said yes. I asked if he is happier with her than he was with me and he hesitated before saying yes. He really didn't sound happy. Then he said 'It's happened now, there is no going back'. He said he would come to talk to me the next day but he didn't and I didn't hear from him for a couple of days.

The next time he called, he was furious and accused me of damaging his car. He said that he wouldn't sign any papers for the divorce now and that he would fight me in court for my house and as much money as he can get. I didn't damage his car and I don't know why he would think I did.

Since then he has gone quiet. I didn't contact him because I knew his mother had died and didn't want to cause any trouble. Then a couple of days ago, I text him to ask if we could meet to talk. He said he would call me. He didn't call though.

Last night I went out with a male friend. I saw some of my STBX friends and they seemed to be off with me and avoiding me. I found it very strange. Stupidly, I text my ex 'F you' as I could not stop thinking about him and was angry that he will not speak to me. Then when we went into a bar, I saw a very good friend of his who would normally talk to me alot. He looked shocked to see me and barely acknowledged me. A few minutes later, I turned around and there was my ex staring at me! He looked awful. He has lost weight and looked really run down. He did not look happy. For the next few minutes I tried not to look in their direction, but my ex and his friend kept staring at me. I had to leave as I was so uncomfortable there.

In the early hours of the morning, I got a text from my ex asking why I had sent the text to him and saying that I am in good hands now and he wishes me good luck. He knows my male friend and knows I would never be in a relationship with him. I replied this morning saying that I can be on my own unlike him and that all I want is an explanation of how he can throw away our marriage and be so cold and heartless to me. He hasn't replied.

Looking back I can see that things were not good. We had a whirlwind romance shortly after his ex wife left him for another man. Until we were married, things were fairly good, but after we married he became very controlling. He encouraged me to give up my job and this made me financially dependant on him. He often said that he paid for everything. He also liked me to dress differently to how I would usually dress and I began to wear clothes to please him rather than what I liked. He bought me chocolates a lot even when I was trying to loose weight and I put on 3 stone while I was with him. He made comments such as 'you have a flabby belly but I love you anyway'. He also told me I would never find a man who loved me like he did and that no man would put up with my son. He often told me I was lucky to have him. My family hated him but put up with him because I loved him. This meant that I saw less of them that I always had done. Since we have split up, a few people have said that they don't like him and that he has always been violent and controlling. Years ago, his daughter told me he had been like this with her mother and that eventually his true colours would show. How right she was!

Anyway, I know I am better off without him but I can't stop feeling something for him. Seeing him last night made me feel sick. I can't bear to think of life without him and he is constantly on my mind. I wish I could stop thinking of him and accept that he is gone forever. I think maybe it would be easier for me if I knew why he has done this, but he won't tell me. I keep thinking that somehow it is my fault.

Please give me some thoughts on this. I just need some answers.