hopelessdenial's story

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#1 Jun 3 - 3PM
Hopelessdenial
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hopelessdenial's story

Sorry for the rant. I have been lurking and finally courage to write it out. thank you for reading.

I feel awful and confused. I have read so much about NPD but then I think maybe he wasn’t, maybe had I not pushed away, maybe he meant those things. Maybe he was in love with me. Then I go back to all the signs and think no Im not crazy. He is NPD. Its a cycle I cant stop. I doubt myself. My counsellor is convinced he is a narcissist/sociopath and that is what lead me to this site.

It has been one month since it was exposed. I was in a passionless relationship and vulnerable and believe I was pursued by a narcissist. I had never been unfaithful in my entire life and never involved with any man in a relationship. I feel awful and guilty and trying to rebuild my relationship (he knows everything, i confessed)and put my guilt of hurting him behind me and fix it.

I cannot get over the void I feel from this affair and the hurt and it is holding me back.

In my head I know I would never want to be with the man I had an affair with but my heart doesn’t understand how I could be idealized and then discarded like nothing. I have never encountered anyone like this.

Was he just acting like this because all men do this in an affair? Or is he a narcissist?

This man started flirting with me, complimenting me and asking around about me. We started talking and from that day it was a couple months of a rollercoaster ride. I found out he had a fiancé but he told me something was missing with her and I let my guard down about my problems at home. I knew it was wrong but he was so intense with me. At first we just talked for a couple days but then it became intense. From the first moment he kissed me he showered me with 50 texts a day (you are beautiful, i miss you when you aren’t here, you are perfect, i have never felt so comfortable with anyone, i have never kissed anyone the way i kiss you, im only happy when im with you, im falling in love with you). He wanted to see me every moment we could even if just for an hour. I thought how is it this man feels so intense about me in such a short time. I couldn’t believe it.

He made comments about me moving in after about 2 weeks after we had had sex (I would laugh it off). He wanted me to see his place and I resisted because I felt it was wrong. Flag #1 was his completely unempathetic response. He told me just to ignore her stuff. I truly cannot explain how I felt under his spell and did things i never thought i would do. I went over several times. He told me then he was falling in love after 2 weeks, I didn’t say it back.

I was flattered but red flag #2 how can someone engaged be telling someone else they are in love with them at their house they share. We talked alot and cuddled and kissed passionately like a couple in love (now i see he talked alot about his relationship and trying to convince me he wasn’t happy). After reading about NPD I feel like I was the other woman he was going to discard her for. Or maybe I was just played by a narcissist. OF course i knew nothing about NPD until it was all over but I wish I had known then. the typical I met a man and he pretended to be the answer to all my needs.

Why would he pretend to be in love with me?

I never was needy or asked for any of that. I always said we could keep it casual as I didnt want any feelings involved but he was so persistent.

He said he didn’t want to hurt her but he told her over the phone that he had doubts about the wedding (I overheard a conversation about this so it is one thing he did not lie about). She seemed very sweet and is very pretty so I don’t understand why he was looking around and why he didnt appreciate her. He had broken up with her once before (similar to me, he had started a relationship before ending it with her and then she dumped him and he went back to his fiancé and begged for a second chance and she took him back .. she doesnt know he cheated then either). He admitted he thought he did that because he couldn’t be alone but that something was missing again and he didnt want to settle with her. He admitted to always cheating in the end of a relationship .. there was always an overlap and god only knows how much cheating he did he didn’t admit to.

All these signs and I still felt under his spell. Like I was different (embarassing to admit). Even knowing that I could never be with someone like that I felt so attracted to him and loved teh attention and how he made me feel like i was so perfect for him. He said he didn’t expect to feel this way about me. My level headed brain tells me all this and still i feel jealous knowing he is back with her even though I broke it off (explained below). I picture them all lovey again and him charming and talking to her the way he did me while she knows nothing. Him taking her to bed like he did with me.

I miss feeling that way (sick I know!)even knowing that if i had not broken it off, if we had ended up together (although he was probably all lies anyways and never intended to leave her) that that phase wouldn’t have lasted, he would do to me what he did to her except i would be worse off after going through the devaluation and discarding and putting up with lies and cheating. I know all this in my head but my heart feels such pain.

I consider myself a strong, independent woman but try as i do i cannot get over this affair. i know i was in the wrong but I have so much anxiety over this. I feel like he made me crazy.

He was telling me he was falling in love and i kept saying no this is lust not love but he was so adamant about his feelings. Said he didnt throw the Love word around for nothing. he made me feel so alive, said that i was like a drug, that i made him feel alive and so happy more than anything else in his life. but i saw even more red flags...he had a low paying job and i had money. he dressed in designer things he could not possibly afford. very concerned with appearances. told me he liked being with someone that everyone else desired. loved when men checked me out. he placed me so high on a pedestal and i tried to end it twice over the guilt but he kept saying he couldnt let me go that if he went through with his wedding it would be a mistake. All the usual lines .. he didnt kiss, look or feel the same way about her as he did me. i let the attention go to my head, his words made me think i had met someone who adored me. it was so over the top, everything i had longed to hear.

but i felt something wasnt right. he told me how cold he was to his fiance and i felt bad. he had a history of cheating. i finally had to end it and he told me he was sad and tried to convince me he couldnt fix his relationship. the day before he had repeatedly told me how in love with me he was (i never said it back even though i was starting to feel it) and that him talking this way after a couple of weeks was crazy but i thought maybe he truly fell for me. I know STUPID of me. He probably just wanted me to leave for the sport of it to dump me.

i am leaving out many details and even though i sort of ended it he got very cold and suddenly threw me away. his fiance knows nothing, i feel horrible hurting my man and feel heartbroken. but then i start to miss him and how he made me feel even knowing he is sick. why do they make it so hard to get over?

He turned so cold. It was like a switch. I still don’t understand how 24hours prior one could say how in love they were with me then the next day treat me so coldly. He was so incredibly mean to me, didnt care one bit about anhthing about me anymore. Maybe his ego of me ending it, I dont know. I was nice about it and said maybe under different circumstances but that it was wrong of us to continue. He had no remorse. He didnt care about the hurt it would cause others. He cared about himself.

Am I crazy .. I feel like I am obsessing about what his relationship is now even though I would not want to be in her shoes. They get married next month. She knows nothing. He is a great liar and everything he said and did to me and he carries on with her like nothing happened. And why do I feel like this when I dont even want him! He is living a great life with a great woman. Maybe he learned his mistake with me and he isnt a narcissist and will be faithful to her. I dont deserve sympathy. I want to move on from this and fix my relationship but I feel stuck.

Jun 4 - 6PM
Hopelessdenial
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thank you everyone. every

Jun 4 - 2PM
unbreakable
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I completely understand

Jun 4 - 11AM
Janie53
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HLD

Jun 3 - 8PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Welcome to the forum, you are

Journey on...

Jun 4 - 5AM (Reply to #8)
Hopelessdenial
Hopelessdenial's picture

thank you journey and

Jun 4 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
Journey
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Hi, why they love bomb when

Journey on...

Jun 3 - 7PM
Hopelessdenial
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thank you for your words

Jun 3 - 4PM
spinning
spinning's picture

dear hd...I am sorry

spinning

Jun 3 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Hopelessdenial
Hopelessdenial's picture

thank you for your words. i

Jun 4 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

Listen, hd, people say you are

spinning

Jun 4 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Hopelessdenial
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All the women who take the

Jun 4 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
ItsFinallytime
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Hi HD. Welcome to the Forum.