Here is my story
It wasn't until I was painfully coming out of my recent relationship devastated, shattered and in disbelief that a friend, a behavior specialist used the word “narcissist” to describe my last partner. It was then through research I actually realized what a narcissist or worse still a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) (my recent ex) really was and how it seems the last 3 of my partners had all been narcissists of varying degrees…
Although I am successful in the business world it seems I am clueless in the relationship world. As such I had been totally ignorant to the toxic relationships and the master manipulators that have controlled me for at least the last 10 years of my life and in fact way before then it seems...
The magnitude of pain and heartbreak, confusion and state of numbness that I have experienced in this recent breakup are almost indescribable for me. I have been physically ill, my mind is in turmoil, my heart actually hurts, my body aches in places it has never ached before, I am mentally, emotionally and physically drained and I long for a peaceful night sleep. Having this opportunity to expel this poison from my body and mind by means of sharing my story is more than simply cathartic it is critical to ensure that I actually recognize the horror of being a victim of an emotional vampire, understand that I was not to blame in this scenario and start to heal and hopefully by sharing my experience help others to recognize traits of NPD and also help them in their healing journey too.
So here is my story about my most recent experience with what I now recognize to be a cerebral narcissist (a successful, highly intelligent self-centered man who used his brain to manipulate me). I will tell my story from today going backwards... I am not going to use his actual name; this is about sharing my story and saving me and even you - nothing more…
The last time I saw let’s call him “ Mr. N” a 52 year old, highly intelligent man who has a respected job in the medical field he was sat poised cross legged on my sofa repeating out loud to himself, about himself "I really am a catch aren’t I", (no answer required) "I really am a catch"... he then proceeded to standup, grab his bags, and walk out of my life...no emotions, no looking back, no explanation, not a care in the world – for anything but himself. (IMPORTANT NOTE: His leaving happened within 30 minutes of us returning back to my home from a 10 day vacation in England together, mostly paid for by my good self whereby “Mr. N” had met my entire family and closest friends. Where he had basically treated me as if he would die if he even touched me, looking at me with contempt, rolling his eyes every time I spoke, refusing to hold my hand let alone treat me as his partner in any affectionate way (as he used to) and while I lay numb and confused in bed every night he would stay-up on his PC and iPhone texting and emailing with a large smile on his face, ignoring me in the same room as if I did not exist (it is now clear to me my intuition was accurate and he was in fact communicating with his new Narcissistic Supply – my replacement) only coming to bed when it was safe to do so (I was asleep). If only I had known then what I know now I would have dumped him out on a wet English street alone and told him to find his own way home back to America and back to his cruel fake world.
I could have retained a modicum of self-respect and the $6K that I had spent on him) It sickens me that he came to England when he knew that he clearly did not want to be with me. He already had someone else lined up and he used me for a 10 day all expenses paid vacation. Just something more for him to boast about! It is unforgiveable that he injected himself in to the lives of my family and friends and had no guilt or remorse about doing so knowing he was going to literally discard me the minute he was back on US soil. His self-centered arrogance even permitted him to exclaim” I hope your family think I am a really great guy and that it is just a shame we didn’t work out”…To say I am disgusted would be an understatement. But as I learn more about this “disease called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)” I know that it is futile to try to address my hurt, needs, concerns or disappointments with Mr.N because frankly he would not listen, he would not care, he would and could not associate with my feelings and he would probably dismiss and discard me as an idiot of less intellect than his good self and just simply “an annoyance – a woman who clearly had sour-grapes”.
A great frustration for me is that even if I did confront him about his behavior, he is so arrogant, so narcissistic believing he is special and deserving of all things wonderful he would twist my words and most probably have a good laugh at my pain. This is why forums such as this with people that have shared similar experiences and have felt what I feel today is so necessary to start to bring clarity to the madness that clouds my thoughts and allows people like you and I to feel love, compassion and even pity for the monsters that inflict this type of pain with such ease and repeatedly to good people like us only simply to feed themselves – NPD is sick!
Back to my story: As I watched him speed down my street and out of my life I stumbled to regain my balance, winded, bewildered, shocked and in disbelief with my "perfect albeit now recognized fake" world crumbling around me I knew deep inside that this was very wrong and could not be the actions of a sane man – the mature, kind, successful man that I had fallen in love with or could it? The England vacation was supposed to be a romantic time for us, we had planned it and Mr. N had convinced me that it was what he wanted for us. However, I was devastated and shocked at how he had treated me on vacation and how he could just walk out of my life with no emotion or explanation of any sort the minute we got back to the States. I was literally crumbling under the stress and confusion of it all, with so many unanswered questions. I cannot express how thankful that through friends and sources I was led to the internet and thankfully to books such as those penned by Lisa E. Scott that describe a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and have answered the questions that up to this point were driving me close to insanity. Thank you Lisa you saved my life! By literature and literally!
So join me ladies and meet “Mr. N” (I hope you never do in real life). Just a quick point if I may. During my story I am going to include "red flag alerts". Please know that I did not recognize or despite my gut instinct did not take note of any of these red flags during my relationship. I was too emotionally wrapped up in my fairytale romance with my “dream guy” to want to. “Mr. N” was the ultimate salesman and it seems I was easily convinced to buy from him…
9 Month Earlier. It all started at the end of May 2012 I being a 46 year old fit, attractive and smart woman was "chosen" by “Mr. N” on e-Harmony. Yes that well established, "safe" on-line dating site. NOTE: Emotional Predators are prevalent on on-line dating sites. Here they can very easily create a fake world, fake persona, fake profile - fake them. “Mr. N.” like many cerebral Narcissists is an incredibly eloquent writer his profile was so perfect that he had me hook, line and sinker. (Red flag alert: TOO PERFECT - if you think you are reading about Prince Charming then ding-dong ladies beware you probably are and I mean Prince Charming of the Cinderella era not the real world).
“Mr. N.” pursued me, indicated proudly how lucky I was he had extended his search radius and that he had found me on e-Harmony despite the distance between us – destiny huh! (Red flag alert –if “Mr. N.” was looking for a true relationship why did he decide to seek out a woman who was living in a different State? Take note I see clearly now that having a 2.5 hour drive between us over a State line is perfect for a Narcissist. You are within a comfortable driving distance, they can control when they see you, and you can’t just pop over to their house or bump in to him in a restaurant, movie theatre, grocery store or even on the street. Hence in the early stages of your relationship while there is a cross-over with the old Narcissistic Supply (ONS) being off loaded, and then once your relationship is growing old if he is two-timing you and he will as he transfers to his new leading-lady and fresh narcissistic supply (FNS) - you will have little to no chance of bumping in to him and catching him out. So please pay attention to your intuition, if something does not feel right take heed, listen, take notes and trust your gut feelings, sadly I ignored mine).
I know now (thanks to a great therapist) that I come from being brought up with a narcissistic father. As such I have learnt to live with the disease and accommodate the behavior. Although a strong, successful business woman I am a very empathetic person, I am extremely sensitive when it comes to matters of the heart and I suffer from an element of co-dependency. As such I am a magnet for a person with narcissistic tendencies. This frightful experience that I have just endured has been so shocking that I hate to even consider where I would be today if not for the support of incredible, patient friends and family and the strength I found in a professional therapist who has given me a renewed clarity of exactly what I have just endured and now as I heal a clear pathway forward in helping me to make healthier relationship choices when that time comes. The irony in all of this is if you met Mr. N today you would think he was a great person. He is intelligent, funny and charming. He would go out of his way to make you feel at ease, impress you with who he is and what he does, etc., and try to be really just a perfect gentleman. You see a person with NPD always wants to be the center of attention, it is important they feel admired, looked up to, liked. It is what you experience with this man if you become intimate and spend real time with him that would shock and frighten you. In his day-to-day life at work he will always be “on-top”, he will strive to always be liked, to be the most popular and the most successful. Failure is not an option for him (NPD). Rejection is not an option. Because of this he has no feelings when making changes in his personal life, no empathy, no guilt and no compassion – just a strong sense of self-worth and self-preservation at all costs. He strives to find the perfect love, the perfect woman, the perfect relationship. He is incredibly intelligent, a master manipulator who lives in a fake world and is very convincing because he actually no longer knows his real self. This was my reality while dating Mr. N.
“Mr. N.” was like no other man I had dated. In the couple of weeks of getting to know each other on-line and on the telephone before meeting, we shared so much about ourselves. He was charming and entertaining, he seemed very keen to share personal details with me. He told me about all his accomplishments, how he had mastered the business world but that it was not enough for him, so he had gone to Medical school late in life because he needed a better career. He shared how much he was loved as a Doctor – the best one in the hospital it seems (this mantra was a broken record throughout our relationship). He shared how he was religious and did missionary work (in the time we were together I asked him if he would like to go to church and the answer was always no – I also asked if I could join the missionary team to help – he seemed put out that I would want to do this – clearly now I see it would be robbing him of the lime-light). So the first impressions I had were very positive. I found him to be so giving, so kind, and so popular with everyone so I thought wow what a great guy. He came across as being so open sharing stories of his past loves (such terrible woman – of course) he seemed so “honest” and was absolutely so interested in me. He told me that honesty was the number one quality he was looking for in a mate I was later to learn this was because he was a pathological LIAR!
He told me about his troubled childhood, how his father had abused him and how he had a much fractured relationship with his father today, because of the violence to him and his mother and then the infidelity of his father. He told me of the marriages and partners that his parents had had and how he was closer to his mother today but starting only now to see his father again. He was the only boy with 3 sisters growing up and had spent many hours playing alone in the nearby woods. Of course this melted my heart and I just wanted to love and care for him. Mr. N. came across as very mature, sincere, incredibly intelligent and kind. I felt compassion and a great sense of pity for what he had experienced as a child and in recent relationships, I felt compelled to divulge a great deal about myself, my dreams for the future, what I was looking for – basically more than I would normally share. When we decided to meet face-to-face and he orchestrated the whole thing in such style, I went to meet him in his home town in Ohio. It was if we were made for one another; he literally swept me off my feet. He was charming, strong but gentle and kind. He was intelligent, patient and so romantic. On our first date he asked to hold my hand, kissing my fingers, opening the car door, guiding me to my seat, stroking my hair, looking deep in to my eyes, just so intense and so romantic. I had never felt so cherished. He romanced me like no other; I could not believe my luck we had immediately clicked. Straight away he told me how incredible he felt with me and on our first date despite the fact that he had only been a Doctor for 4 years (very late at age 52) and was still not board certified (so had major medical school loans to pay and not an extremely high salary) and thus currently lived in a 2 bedroom apartment he still took me to see a multi-million dollar house and spoke about how perfect it would be to live in a house like this with me “should things go how he truly hoped they would and believed they would” (remember this is the first face-to-face date) telling me I would make the perfect Doctors wife and that his intention was to build a house - just like the multi-million $ one we were looking at - within the next 1 to 2 years. Sadly I ignored this red flag clearly showing his grandiose state of mind, I thought wow he is good but in fact too good to be true!
I also ignored the fact that after a few dates he mentioned he would prefer if I wore shoes with perhaps a slightly lower heel (he was 5ft 9 and me 5ft 2, he did not like me in heels) and also his preference in nail polish was French and not a color such as red which is what I had worn on our first date… this was within the first week of dating face-to-face (red flag: controlling).
He seemed so in-tune and compatible with me on date 2 he took me shopping with him where he bought a new road bike so we could go biking together paying over $4K for it (to impress me) also buying me a really nice jacket and things for my bike, because I had both a mountain and road bike. I did not think to question his motives – what I now know is how he was convincing me we had so much in common. Every interest I talked about he complimented. Within the next week he took me to a Porsche dealership to sit in his “proposed new car” which was over $150K which of course again was supposed to impress me (now I understand about his inflated ideas and grandiose sense of being). I now recall that before we had met during an early telephone call he had actually told me he had just “ordered his new Porsche”. He of course was lying; he had NOT ordered a new Porsche at all. This did not stop him taking me to a Porsche dealership, yes they knew him there but he had not ordered and actually did not intend to order such a car. Bear in mind we are talking a $150K car and he was living in a 2 bedroom rented apartment at the age of 52.
Funny enough about 2 months in to the relationship when I enquired as to when the Porsche was arriving, he conveyed "he had changed his mind about the Porsche” and would wait for a specific type of new BMW which would not be available until late 2014 (how convenient). He went on to elaborate as to how he and I could go to the BMW plant in Germany and pick up his new BMW and actually do what is known as a new owner experience. He even had me look it up on the BMW website and choose which experience/vacation I would like to do when the time comes to collect the new BMW car. (He showed many signs of living in a fantasy dream world).
“Mr. N” had nice things, his apartment was immaculate and on our first night together he presented me with a robe and pair of slippers – (makes my stomach sink) how was I to know that I was wearing the attire of his old Narcissistic Supply!!!! And worst still that they were probably still warm…
In reflection “Mr. N.” was always very commanding but gentle in how he “controlled” the relationship. (Note control) Deciding on where we would go, what we would eat, when I would come to visit him and vice versa and even what I would wear. I literally beat to his drum. Following our first date “Mr. N” encouraged me to bring my two dogs with me to his home assuring me of how much he loves dogs and how he has always wanted a German Sheppard. Saying that when we get our house we will have to get a German Sheppard puppy. This was however a man with severe OCD, with an apartment so clean you could lick off the floor. A molting long-haired dog like a German Sheppard I think not!
He showered my little dogs with love and affection encouraging them to sleep on the bed, sit on his lap, lay on his cushions in his arms, allowing them to jump on his expensive leather furniture. I even pointed out to “Mr. N” that I would not be offended if he did not want them to have free-reign of his home but he insisted. He told me that the Ohio Apartment was OUR Ohio home and that my Michigan house was OUR MI home. He called the dogs our dogs. He really did whatever he could to forge a family environment for us in my brain very quickly. Funny how things change though only to have a complete 180 degree turn about 4 months later when he presented me with dog beds and crates and instructed that my dogs stay off his furniture and sleep in the crates…no discussion this was how it was going to be going forward…
So back to how “Mr. N” carefully controlled the relationship and more importantly me. At first I thought his behavior to be masculine, sexy, and powerful and I enjoyed it, now I can see the pattern of his behavior from day one and what I chose to accept as quirky and macho instead of the screaming red flag that it clearly was. He was a self-centered, arrogant control freak.
If I think back everything was so picture perfect in the beginning – yes too good to be true. Our first kiss was literally like that of a fairytale, cradled in his arms, a deep sensual, penetrating kiss – it really was like I was a Princess in a love story, almost to the point of being rehearsed. I love affection and I am a hopeless romantic. “Mr. N” was over affectionate, a step ahead of me in understanding and meeting my needs. He showered me with gifts, compliments, affection but funny enough not sex (Big, big red flag). Apart from the sexual question mark I had (and I will get back to this in a minute) “Mr. N” it seemed was just perfect for me. He mirrored my every desire in life; we loved the same things, shared the same values, and wanted the same out of life, you name it - I finally believed I had met my match and that is exactly what “Mr. N” wanted me to believe.
Of course being that he was A.) Mature at 52, B.) intelligent and an upstanding member of society – giving every day as a Doctor and C) just so sweet, attentive and charming I literally opened my heart, put it on a golden platter, decorated it with rose petals and then handed it to him unconditionally. No questions asked. Little did I know that soon he would be poking it with pins, and then plunging a dagger deep inside, twisting and jabbing at me until I was drained of sense and sensibility, self-respect, self-esteem, love, life, breath and even the will to go on.
The journey: The beginning of our relationship was a dream. Despite the distance between us “Mr. N.” made sure we arranged a time every day to talk and generally we talked two or three times a day. Again in reflection I see that he was controlling our schedule and our relationship. Plus during these conversations he pumped himself up, told me about how amazing he had been that day, how much the nurses had complimented him and so on and so forth! In the early months of our relationship he was very structured in making sure we had time together – what I did not realize is that he was juggling time and carefully mapping it out. Nothing was left to impromptu. He would share his schedule with me (later he stopped doing this altogether) and tell me what time he would call and that if he did not call exactly on-time it would be because of this or that reason and nothing more. Now I can see that he was balancing not just his work and me but other “interests too”. In understanding how an NPD operates I can now see that in the early months she was known as the old narcissistic supply (ONS) who was on the way out and then later in our “relationship” as he became more of a closed book and less accessible to me (because I was no longer perfect) it was because he was seeking for and then had recruited the new - Fresh Narcissistic Supply (FNS) who very quickly took my place.
For the first few weeks and months if we were apart we talked and Skyped every day, smiling at each other like love-sick teenagers for hours. Texting constantly, “Mr. N” wrote the most romantic things to me, called me Sweetheart which I loved (Red Flag: now I know NPDs often use pet names such as “Sweetheart” almost immediately in the relationship so that they do not get your name mixed up with that of another “victim”). By July 12th he told me he was “madly in love with me”, that I was his SOUL-MATE and without doubt the one he had been searching for, he said that he had NEVER felt happier, and that his search was over as I was it the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with… whoo hoo I thought at last!!! (All of this was conveyed to me verbally and in writing).
He said he was going to write to e-Harmony to tell them “they had got this one right” but apparently every time he tried to submit our love story there was a glitch in the e-Harmony system. Well go figure! Of course I was so wrapped up in the romance of everything the thought did not even occur to me that this was yet another lie. Of course the story was never written and never submitted but I later found out that he was still active on e-Harmony – yes apparently cleaning out his inbox every day… which actually translates as looking for new narcissistic supply, keeping his options open, and feeding his narcissistic needs.
Mr. N. introduced me to his family including his father. Everyone was very welcoming and I felt very fortunate to be included in such a nice family. He also made a big deal about me and his love for me on Facebook and frankly I let every guard down and went with the flow. I was ecstatically happy. Of course I did not question how QUICKLY this had all happened, after all I am 46 and he 52, two mature adults should know ourselves by now and I knew that “Mr. N.” was absolutely the type of man I wanted to settle down with, as such I reciprocated with not a doubt in my mind!!! I was absolutely happier than I had ever been.
“Mr. N” was going full steam ahead to convince himself and me that our relationship was perfect. He knew exactly what I wanted out of life and he promised me the earth. Here are a few things that he did to truly capture my heart and put me in a false-sense of believing that I was truly the one for him and him for me.
1. “Mr. N.” conveyed that he would love to have a family with me, had always wanted to be a dad. He signed us up with an ADOPTION AGENCY as he knew that I really wanted to be a mother, as I write this it hurts me so badly and brings tears to my eyes that someone that you believed loved you, that you loved so much could do something so cruel. He made a big deal of doing so on a reputable American Adoption site his reason being that we could really look to adopt a blue-eyed, blonde haired baby that would look like us (his words).
2. He also told me that we could get some tests done to see how viable it would be for us to actually get pregnant. Being that he was in the medical profession he said that he could pull strings with specialist. He was very confident that we would be parents. I was over the moon.
3.However, while saying all this he also encouraged me to go on the birth control pill (red flag) because in his words “he wanted to ask for my father’s permission for my hand in marriage before we tried to get pregnant, because he wanted to do everything right and by the book.” As my father is in England I of course did not question this and thought that “Mr. N.” was the most honorable and romantic man I had known. Sadly I would be proven very wrong indeed.
Little did I know that in fact he did not want me to get pregnant and that he had no interest whatsoever in becoming a father. (Note: Immediately following our separation I created a dummy account on Match.com, I did a search in his zip code for a man of his age and up he popped. His profile (not a new profile I hasten to add) indicated that he was looking for a woman between 30 & 45 (I am 46) and that he DID NOT want children). The profile indicated his recent activity. Enough said!!
4. “Mr. N.” also signed us up on a site for destination WEDDINGS; I still receive the literature in the mail now. He talked about and planned how we would have a wedding on the coast in the USA, then a party between MI and Ohio for our closest friends and then a blessing and party in England. He had it all planned. He even asked one of my friends in MI if she would be part of our wedding!!! How could I not believe that he/us/this was real?
5. I have a house in Colorado Mr. N told me and his family that he was seriously considering us moving to my house in Colorado together. He said he did not want us to live in MI or Ohio and told me to start thinking about how we could re-decorate the house, modernize it. He said that we could live there for 1 to 2 years then start to build our dream home. He explained how his job could be mobile and that if he took a position where he would sometimes have to work in a different hospital in a different State for a day or two a month he would make a lot of money. He said that CO would be a perfect place for us to raise our family. He told me to tell my step-daughter from a previous relationship of this plan as she was in CO and loved me very much. How could he do that to her let alone me, as she is just a child.
6. One of the worst things he did was to take me in to an ENGAGEMENT RING shop and have me try all different types and cuts of diamond rings on… I can hardly breathe as I write these words. I was so high on my pedestal, the one he put me on - I trusted him so much; how he coldly kicked the pedestal from under me is something I will never understand. While in England just before our split I asked him how he could/say do all of the above and now treat me so horribly he calmly and coldly stated to me “don’t go throwing anything in my face” no explanation, no apology, no empathy, no guilt nothing.
He devastated me with his lack of intent and pathological lying, with how he treated me at the end and how he has simply just disappeared – he went from wanting me to be his wife to just disconnecting me from his life. He literally replaced me like upgrading his iPhone. When I finally fell I thought I would not recover.
I understand that in the early throes of a relationship as in mine, the NPD really does believe that you are the perfect love. Apparently they are very convincing because they themselves believe it. So it is very hard for you (The object of their desire), for me to think otherwise. Hence we get very wrapped up in the romance and the dream. When it all falls apart, again for no apparent reason and also usually very suddenly the pain and confusion is unbearable this is why therapy is very important and if you are a victim of being in a relationship with a person with NPD I implore you to get therapy if you have not already done so…
Before I go on I would just like to revisit the big red flag subject “sex”. Now remember during my relationship with “Mr. N.” I had no idea what a Narcissist really was in true identifying form so I had no idea what to look for and I chose to ignore my gut instincts that were clearly waving red flags and beating me over the head with them. I was blinded by love. When “Mr. N.” and I first became intimate and trust me he was in no rush to have sex - he was very open with me and advised me on a few key points that honestly ladies I should have seen as major red-flags about either A. His true sexuality or B. That he/this was not normal! “Mr. N.” advised me that he had never enjoyed oral sex with a woman, that at the age of 52 he had never had an orgasm through oral sex, he also shared that he did not like a woman “on-top” and in fact – wait for it – really only enjoyed sex and felt sensation if performed from behind – so effectively if I am honest with myself he asked for clinical, no connection sex where he did not have to look at me, talk to me, kiss me or acknowledge that he was actually making love to me... But let me say that this was the man who wrote to me about gazing in my eyes, gently kissing my lips as we lay wrapped in one another’s arms making love – his dream, his fake reality – it never happened.
In fact in our 9 month relationship “Mr. N. was very uncomfortable with sex, when we did “make-love” he never had an orgasm in fact he only had one orgasm in our whole relationship and that was from behind and he even apologized for the “mess” who does that? (Sorry for the graphic detail but if I am going to write my story I need to tell you how it really was).
What I found is that “Mr. N.” tried to avoid sex. He would always keep us up watching late night movies until we were dead tired or he would tell me he was too tired from work or yes had a headache!!! If I tried to initiate sex in the morning he would always use the dogs as a good excuse to get up as they clearly needed to “go out”… he never once came back to bed. But during the waking hours he would tell me how beautiful I was, tell me I was sexy, cuddle me, hold my hand be romantic and fun – I was confused but did not question it. Times when I did catch him off guard and initiated sex he always found a way to prevent real love making. Being a Doctor he is clearly very well versed with the human anatomy so is fairly adept with his hands – need I say more. As far as penetration that was a short story and not much to tell. I have since read that cerebral (not somatic) NPD’s prefer self-love in the form of masturbation and what really makes me sick and sad is that they use you, their Narcissistic supply as a tool for masturbation . Now things make sense to me.
Watching out for red-flag early on: When I look back today I remember a few in congruencies in the early stages of our relationship that I never paid attention to like “Mr. N.” saying to me “remember that movie we watched together” (a new movie just out in the theatre) of course I would answer no, because I had NOT watched it with him. He would try and convince me that in fact I was with him and then eventually tried to play it off that I had forgotten… (WHAT NO I DID NOT forget I did not see it) – He was as I now know a pathological liar. He was also doing what they call gas lighting trying to get me to believe that something that did not happen happened and vice versa. I think he had even convinced his sisters that he “had a bad memory” because they would also tease him for it.
I also now know in the early weeks of our relationship I was new narcissistic supply and the old supply was still around and that she DID go to that movie with him and whose slippers and robe I was wearing – she was a girl called Leigh. How do I know that? Because Leigh was still texting “Mr. N” when we first got together and I happened to see more than a text or two coming in from her. He told me she was a girl he had “dated briefly” just before me that would not go away… mmm he then said that he had decided to ignore her and that he was convinced by doing so that she would eventually go away ! This I thought was a rather immature way of handling this situation and frankly I suggested he call her while I was there. He declined to do so. I then asked to read her text messages. He was very nervous, I saw one text message it appeared friendly and inquisitive as if she was texting a boyfriend to find out what was going on - not an ex!!!
I could tell “Mr. N” was nervous, trying to avoid the subject. Eventually “Mr. N” told me that he had sent a text to Leigh telling her to stop texting him saying he was in a serious relationship or so he tells me he did. This was at least 2 months in to our relationship! He also said that he had sent a note to his older sister advising her of this – why? It now all makes sense to me that his older sister is a form of primary never ending Narcissistic Supply and also a shield for him. She lives 5 minutes down the road from him and is always with him. So many times we would have her join us for dinner or a movie, sometimes I felt like the 3rd wheel. It was actually quite creepy. She is messed up in her own right in a clandestine messy relationship with a married man, and it seems “Mr. N.” is her sole support, she in turn his.
One evening while sharing a glass of wine with this sister she kept asking me whether I could handle his OCD and his controlling ways. Was she warning me or trying to get rid of me? She told me that Leigh (the ONS) had contacted her on Facebook to see what was going on and why she had not heard back from “Mr. N”. Leigh had apparently told his sister he was an ass and that was the end of her. How convenient for “Mr. N”. His sister had tried to play it off telling me how difficult some men find it to cut off a relationship, excuses, excuses, excuses. We are talking about a 52 year old Doctor here! Why was a grown man acting this way and WHY was his BIG SISTER part of the equation? I feel such a fool now not asking or challenging this. My instincts told me something was very wrong but I was in love with “my perfect man” and I just did not want reality to come knocking at my door.
I had asked “Mr. N” why the relationship with Leigh ended and he told me in his own words that “she had said something mean to him”… now in reality I should have perhaps questioned such words and statement out of the mouth of a grown, mature man – yes a Doctor, really ladies it sounds like something a kid on the playground would say!!! Now that I know that an NPD usually has an emotional maturity of a 5 year old it makes sense, sadly that was information unknown to me at the time and despite my gut screaming at me to take note that something was wrong I had ignored it.
There was another incident early on in our relationship that now hits me like a skillet in the face. He told me he had taken his older sister to a “Porsche party” at the dealership when in fact he had taken Leigh. It wasn’t until later that the subject had come up that his sister had told me she had not gone to the party with him. So I asked him again who he had taken and once again he had confirmed his sister. Idiot here did not question him, why I do not know; perhaps I was afraid to learn the truth, perhaps I felt that I was being immature and clingy, or insecure when in fact my intuition was kicking-in and I was starting to challenge him – no doubt this was one of the triggers that started to turn the tables against me being his perfect mate. The fact that I may blow his cover, his fake self is something a person with NPD will not risk at any cost; with me asking questions and sowing a seed of doubt clearly started the time-bomb ticking.
There is also the fact that he made me believe that he was an honorable, Christian man who never lied. I think I was almost brain-washed to believe this.
During the early courting stages of our relationship Mr. N did a very thorough and believable job of painting his sympathy picture, he had told me about his passed relationships. How his ex-wife of 4 years, who he had divorced 12 years prior had been so terrible to him. How she would not accept it was over so one day he “just left”. How girlfriends had cheated on him. How he had lived with an Asian woman also at med school whose mother would not allow her to marry a non-Asian man and so he had decided to cut off sex 2 years in to a 5 year living together situation because what was the point of having sex if indeed they would not end up together. He said he had stayed with her to just help her pay the rent during med school. There I was thinking how “Mr. N” had done the honorable thing. Since then I had heard variations of his story, I have also learnt how an NPD cuts off sex as he is disconnecting from his NS, or he cuts off sex as a punishment, I have also been on the receiving end of the same behavior from Mr. N – I will tell you more later in my story.
Prior to Leigh there had been Linda. “Mr. N.” had happily volunteered about poor weak Linda. If I am honest he even smirked when he told me that when he had finished with Linda she had fallen on to the floor and “had, had a melt-down”. As such “Mr. N.” had referred to Linda as a psycho-ex. He told me of how much debt she was in, how she was still married and how she had lied to him. I think I tend to now see Linda as a very unfortunate woman who was set high up on a pedestal by Mr. N. and then without any warning pushed off from a great height. I also however believe that Linda is just the person he will go back to when he is in short supply of his much needed Narcissistic Supply. In fact at the end of our relationship he had mentioned how thoughtful she had been with a certain “plant gift”, this however was the same woman he had referred to as his psycho-ex only days before.
All in all Mr. N was always very cold and cruel when he spoke about his ex’s; he showed no emotion, no signs of empathy or compassion at all – it was always about him!
There were other stories all along the same vein and looking back now I have to admit that there were many women in his life in a short period of time and these were the ones he chose to mention – goodness knows how many more women had fallen prey to his antics that he had discarded that he did not mention! It seems most were very quick and brief relationships.
As I write this story and more so read it back to myself and my close friends the horror of what I am reading, the truth of my experience is in fact worse than I thought. The best advice I can give myself and you as you read this is trust your intuition. Listen to what he says and how he says it. Take heed of his actions, if he is referring to a past relationship and putting down an ex-girlfriend even put yourself in the other “woman’s position” think of her as yourself, as your closest female friend. At this point it is clear to me that love, empathy or compassion mean absolutely nothing to “Mr. N.” or any person suffering from NPD it seems.
My story continues: Getting back to my experience within 6 weeks of meeting “Mr. N.” on eHarmony, he whisked me off for a romantic vacation to Cancun. Prior to and in preparation for Cancun he “helped me choose all the clothes I would take” – he actually went through my entire wardrobe, made me try everything on, went shopping with me and picked out outfits and decided what I could and could not take and wear on vacation… Of course I am thinking this is so sweet, how invested he was when in fact it was all about control. This became very apparent as the days ticked by.
“Mr. N.” recalls our vacation as a time we had sex about 40 times, in fact I have recalled him inflating the number from 40 to 60. Yes we were physical and the time spent in Cancun the most intimate we had but his recollection was to say the least a little inflated, it was however the one time that “Mr. N.” experienced his one orgasm and the rest is all about his hands… Sadly I did not question his sexual dysfunction I figured he was putting himself under pressure to perform. That being he was 52 he may find his body less cooperative. I basically made excuses for him. He was attentive and fun, affectionate and caring and I was falling in love with him.
During our Cancun vacation “Mr. N.” bought me a PROMISE RING. He placed it on my engagement ring finger and told me that I was to never take it off, that the next ring to go on my finger would be our engagement ring and repeat after me “it is not if I am going to propose to you, it is when I am going to propose to you!” I was as you can imagine a fool in love. I was elated. I put my whole heart and trust in this wonderful man (MONSTER)
While in Cancun he took me out to fancy restaurants showed me off and told people we were newly engaged. He had photos taken with him holding my hand out to show off my ring, friends on FB actually thought we were engaged. In one restaurant he told them that we were on our honeymoon. I was entertained by this and I loved the fact that he was acting this way and was apparently just *so in-love with me – an* Impossibility I was later to realize – sadly much later. (Note here: In November he had called me really angry and out of the blue he had started going off about if he decides he wants to marry me it will be his decision. At the time I was feeling already very deflated and insecure and I did not challenge him or enquire as to this outburst. It was as if he had forgotten about my promise ring and all the promises linked to that ring that he had presented to me only a few months earlier… )
On our last night together on vacation I noticed a change in his demeanor. He seemed a little distracted, less affectionate, and even a little moody if not angry. Our vacation was amazing but during our trip home “Mr. N.” conveyed to me that when we returned I needed to be aware that he would be starting his long arduous task of studying for his medical board exams. He told me that it would mean he would have months of hard studying but not to worry because he would always find time for me.
However within 2 weeks of being back from our “honeymoon vacation” I started to really notice his demeanor changing I of course put this down to the pressure he was under to study for his medical board exams. HOWEVER, with the newfound information acquired recently I now know that this was probably based on the fact that I had fallen in love with him so effectively he had won and now he was looking for cracks in my perfect persona and our perfect love. (Thanks to Lisa Scott and other books I have learnt that this is the way the NPD mind works).
Things started to change, subtly but surely. He would make rude comment about some of my friends. He would comment about how many times I was exercising (apparently not enough) and what clothes I was wearing and where I bought them insinuating what? He started to complain about my dogs and how they needed more training. He encouraged me to trade in my car and buy a brand-new Mini. Once I had done this he then and only then invited me to meet him at one of his hospitals one night to meet the nurses during a night shift. He had referred to my old car as a POS… nice!
Now during this story I have not touched so much on particular narcissistic traits that “Mr. N” displayed on a regular basis, NPD traits that got progressively worse and progressively more common as time wore on.
Here are a few: “Mr. N” was very, very opinionated. Yes he was a smart, articulated, well read, fairly well travelled man I give him that but his attitude went from intelligent conversation to dictating.
He became a snob and made me feel as though my belongings and my friends were not good enough for him. His demeanor started to be more omnipotent, omniscient to the point that he was instructing me what to wear, how to think, what to say, how to react to situations; getting annoyed with me if I made a decision against his better judgment.
He would brag about how popular he was, always telling me what the nurses would say – that he was their favorite Doctor, telling me how he always bought them dinner or lunch. I saw very little evidence of this favored behavior on nurse’s day when only a handful of nurses connected to him on FB “liked” his gushing message to them… He funny enough has over 500 friends (acquaintances) on FB but few in what I call “real-life”. In reality his social life consisted of me, his older sister who he spent a lot of time with, and on occasion his middle sister and her boyfriend who he knew from school. His “best friend” is some 20 years younger than him and he met at med-school who lives in a different State, and he really did not have anyone else to talk about from his former pre-med life or school days. He referred to a former best friend he had in Seattle that they had, had a falling out but really he did not have any good friends locally. This I found to be very odd indeed as he still lives down the road from where he grew up. I now know that NPDs do not have many real-life friendships and if they do they tend to be with people who live away from them – this way it is easy for them to retain their fake persona.
Some of my friends had started to make subtle comments about his arrogance and control – indicating that often he made them feel uncomfortable. In truth he would state that he was the best and that I should always listen to him because I know he is always right; sadly I believe now that he was actually serious! He would tell me who he liked to be around – insinuating that he should only be in the presence of a certain type of person and that if I wanted to be a doctor’s wife I needed to listen to him. The friend he had asked to be in our wedding he no longer wanted anything to do with… for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
He constantly blew his own trumpet. If I tried to share concerns with him he would brush me and them aside. If I did ask for his advice – which he loved – if I did not do exactly what he told me to do he would get angry with me. He was not one to rage in the pure sense of rage but he would have a face of thunder, he would get very quiet, sit moody and sulk like a child. He would give off a terrible vibe and it made me feel very uncomfortable to be around him. He told me he disliked my hair-cut and made me feel very insecure about it, often stating that he looked forward to when it would be back to how it was. He mentioned about me wearing make-up saying how he likes natural women. I do not wear a great deal of make-up and I was not sure why he had to start putting me down. He kept talking about what a catch HE WAS. At one point he stated in all seriousness to his older sister that SHE should have DATED HIM because he is a major catch, yep he actually said this to his SISTER repeatedly, it took all I had not to throw-up in my mouth. (FYI she agreed – creepy).
When I suggested he come to MI to go out with another couple he would make excuses and soon it became apparent that he disliked where I lived, that he disliked my friends, that my dogs were not welcome unless kept in crates and that if I wanted to see him I would have to make the 2.5 hour drive to his place. He used his board exams excuse to place distance between us – he was happy to keep me waiting patiently for him, supporting him, making sure I did not ask questions, upset him or the balance in any way and in September he cut off sex. (I now know that this is a narcissistic trait and part of his separation from me, as well as identified as a punishment). So the honeymoon period was May to Sept it seems. But wait just a minute. He sent me the most loveable, romantic and thoughtful message on Facebook in September telling me that “while he studied for his exams that his demeanor would change. That he would become distant and less affectionate. He assured me that this is how his brain works. That it is because his mind is on his studying that he was not interested in sex and it was not a reflection of how he felt about me in any way. (Liar) He finished by saying that he loves me dearly and missed me when I was not with him” (Only if he needed secondary narcissist supply it seems). He thanked me for my patience and asked me to wait for him… sadly I did not know what that really meant. I do now.
So our time together became less. We still spoke every day and Skyped when I asked to Skype a few times a week although sometimes he was angry that I even asked to do such a thing! I noticed he looked different when we would Skype; he looked angry and not focused looking passed me, watching television instead of looking at me on the screen. I did not challenge him. I literally put my feelings on hold and accommodated his ever changing demeanor because I put it all down to the stress of his impending board exams, the extensive studying he had to do in preparation as well as long hours working. Poor “Mr. N” I thought.
“Mr. N.” was unbeknownst to me at this time separating away from me. He was looking for new Narcissistic Supply (NS) (active on Match.com and e-Harmony) and I was totally ignorant to this fact. I missed him and I was beginning to feel insecure. I had gone from feeling like his absolute number 1, high on the love drug to being ignored and misunderstood. As you recall I was now on the pill (as he has insisted) which had made me put on a little weight – kind of ironic that we had not had sex since I had gone on the pill. I was also handling a personal medical problem with my brother a cancer scare which had me extremely worried. “Mr. N” had gone from a cheerful, patient, loving, attentive man to a person who grunted down the phone at me, seemed not to care how I felt, was no longer interested in sex, when I did see him he was cold, he sat in the lazy boy instead of next to me on the sofa to watch movies, started to pick holes in me, in my job, in my friends, in my life, criticizing me at every opportunity – didn’t like my hair cut, didn’t like it when I had a conference call for work, I needed to exercise more, eat less, you name it. It seemed all the things he used to praise me for he now abhorred.
I was starting to think I was dealing with an alien abduction, as I no longer recognized him as the man I had fallen in love with, how was I to know how close to the mark I really was!
There were times I would call him (He never had a home phone just a cell phone) he would answer his car phone when I thought he was at home studying, he would tell me he had just had dinner with his sister – sadly he seemed disinterested in having dinner with me – and now I know that his sister was actually not always his sister but that he was entertaining my replacement his new NS.
So good old me sat waiting patiently for him to take his board exams, waiting in the wings like the understudy in his life script/play that I was now becoming. In November the week before his board exams “Mr. N.” and I had to go out of State to the wedding of his best friend. Although the wedding was beautiful and his friends kind and generous people I felt so alone with him; there was still no sex, very little affection and following the wedding he failed to post any photos on FB of us together at the wedding – a HUGE red flag. I did question him about this and frankly his answer was lame indicating that he had not finished downloading the photos yet and that in fact he did not like himself in the photos. Utter and complete crap! During the weekend away he also did not want to spend time alone with me, asking a single guy friend of his to join us so we were never alone. I noted that he posted pictures of me and his friend on Facebook (FB) but not of us. Clearly he had other Narcissistic Supply interests and he did not want to show me and him as a couple on FB - I was clearly on my way out.
He had probably told the new NS that he was slowly getting out of a bad relationship. I would bet my life he did not tell her about my promise ring, all the promises he made to me and the dream life he had painted for us. I am sure she had no idea how I idolized him, treated him with love, kindness and respect and how he had told me I was going to be his wife, was his soul-mate, the love of his life. I am sure I was tainted with the bad woman brush - with that being said once she has served her purpose and is strategically transitioned in to the supporting role in his life script she will find out soon enough, that is one thing I can guarantee.
So we returned from the wedding and he took his board exams – it was strange that the night before and the day of his exams he temporarily disconnected his FB account as he did not want anything to be posted. I thought that a strange action to take. He also forbade me to discuss his board exams with anyone at the wedding, again odd as most of the guests were friends of his from medical school.
By now I am becoming very weak and weary I naturally start to pull away. Then as per the usual pattern of this rollercoaster relationship ride as I started to pull away “Mr. N.” started to talk about all the things we will do next year together. I was by now very confused. With the alleged board exams over I started to convince myself that perhaps I was going to get the real Mr. N. back – what I did not realize was that this angry, mean spirited, self-centered, manipulative, arrogant, disinterested in sex man WAS the real “Mr. N.” and the person I had fallen in love with was in fact his FAKE self.
It seems so ironic now when I look back on things that remind me of our relationship, the day that “Mr. N.” presented me with my promise ring in Cancun was the day we bought many souvenirs for ourselves and our families. It is ironic that we chose to buy onyx and marble Mayan- God MASKS! How fitting and how sad!
So my story with “Mr. N.” is nearly done. By now I am a very confused, unhappy woman. I have felt the most incredible high, euphoria, intense passion and love with and for “Mr. N.” he had convinced me I was going to be his wife, that I was his soul-mate and could do no wrong. We seemed so compatible, enjoyed much of the same interests, morals, family values, life wants, even the and same humor. We never argued there was nothing that I could begin to pin-point or reflect on that should have or could have changed his behavior. I had supported him to have and do whatever he wanted. I had got along fantastically with his family and the limited friends I had met and now for no apparent reason, for nothing I could put my finger on I am feeling discarded, unloved even to the point of being disliked by Mr. N and there seems to be no reason for the change. All very confusing for a person who did not know about or understand what NPD is (I do now!)
We went from loved up to alien abduction and meeting a totally different man. A man, who curled up in the fetal position beside me in bed, turned his back on me without touching me or kissing me goodnight. A man, who started to get undressed in the bathroom, later locked the door when he showered and treated me as a stranger; - acting as a cold, sterile unrecognizable person; a man who spent hours on his laptop, texting on his iPhone like a teenager and ignoring me when I was sitting in the same room as him.
So it is now early December of 2012. I have started to pull away as I sense a serious change in “Mr. N.”, as I pull away he seems to start reeling me in like a fish on a line. Unfortunately at this time we have a trip to the UK already booked. The trip is for him to meet my family and celebrate New Year’s Eve and “Mr. N” is already bragging to every one about his excitement of celebrating New Year’s Eve in true Beatles Style in Liverpool England as he is a huge Beatles Fan. I have by now paid a good deal of money to book the best hotels and make sure that our trip to England is going to be perfect. He tells me that he has to work over Christmas, at first he asks me to stay in the USA for Christmas and then proceeds to tell me of his working hours and how I can spend my time with his family while he works, etc. I choose to fly home to England for Christmas as I have not been home for the Holidays since 2005 and he agrees (or at least that is what he tells me) that this is probably the best idea. He then surprises me by arranging a pre-Christmas event with me and his family at his home before I fly to England.
This act gives me hope and joy. So I drive to Ohio and we celebrate our early Christmas together on 22nd and 23rd. It was a nice event with his family but he is cold and distant. There is an odd period whereby his sister started to talk about their childhood. She repeatedly told me that she remembers as a child standing in her bedroom humming to herself with her fingers in her ears to stop hearing his screams as her father beat “the living hell out of my boyfriend Mr. N”. She went on to say how he was a lonely type child always played alone in the woods behind their house. She laughed and said that they used to tease him for walking and running like a girl and that he also spent time playing with her and her other 2 sister with Barbie dolls and how Mr. N. had always wanted the dolls to get married. He was embarrassed as this story ensued. I thought this topic of conversation very odd for a Christmas party. It still baffles me today as to why she went down this path. Did she perhaps notice a change in how her brother was treating me? Was this something they had witnessed many times before? Was she trying to explain his behavior to me? The reason he lives in a fake world with a fake identity?
In reflection I have to admit that Mr.N did not like it if I laughed at a joke that his sisters made about him or if they teased him. Even though he teased them often and if they in turn teased him that it was usually delivered all in good faith he would later get annoyed with me. He actually told me off once because his older sister had joked about him getting angry while playing golf because his score was not as perfect as he had wanted it to be. He had accused me of siding with her and told me he did not like that behavior. I had in fact said very little and shown very little reaction to her story; I had certainly not sided with her!
I also noted that Mr. N was very vain. He was also very insecure about what others thought about him outside of his family. Even though he would make silly faces and joke around in photos he never did post photos of himself doing anything silly or funny. Everything had to paint a perfect persona, a perfect picture the side we – within his family saw – he would not share with others. (The NPD sides he shared with me he would only share with my replacement and the women that came before – God bless them/us all).
As the board exams have been over a number of weeks before Christmas I have by now asked him about our sex life a number of times especially as his board exam excuse is now no longer viable, he had looked at me sincerely in bed and told me that it is him, his head, that his libido had gone owing to his board exams and that it is just a matter of time. I remember him closing his eyes, he looked in pain and he said to me “I love you, this is not you, and it is my head, my problem. I promise you we will make love again I hope you will still be here when I am ready”… of course my heart ached for him. I assured him that I will always be there for him, that I loved him and that he can share anything with me and that it will not change how I feel about him. I remember looking at his face, holding him overcome with love for him at that moment because I sensed a deep pain from within him. Sadly my feelings and anguish were futile. Although an NPD does not think or feel like a normal person does they understand good and bad decisions. They may not feel empathy but they understand what inflicting pain on others is. He knew what he was doing was wrong and he chose to continue.
To add further confusion over the Christmas period “Mr. N” lavished me with many expensive gifts clearly these were to impress other people and to try to soften the blow of what was shortly to come.
So Christmas comes and goes and “Mr. N” arrives in the UK and my mother and I meet him at the Airport. It was like collecting a stranger, from that moment on I knew that the “Mr. N” I had fallen in love with was gone. The time we spent in the UK was in short painful. There was no affection, behind closed doors he was rude and cold to me, in front of my family he tried to paint a picture of being a super friendly, great guy, however as the days went on he even tried less and less to put on a front. He actually kept asking me if my family and friends loved him and all the time he was treating me with disrespect and indifference. All he cared about was what others thought of him. My mother pointed out to me that he tried to sit anywhere but next to me, that when I spoke he raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes. She said she caught him looking with disgust at me. In essence my family disliked his arrogance, they disliked his mistreatment of me and my brother and my best friends husband actually sensed something dark and sinister about his demeanor, going as far to say they felt ill at ease with him, that he would not make eye contact as if he was a serial killer. I kid you not.
All this time I ached for the original “Mr. N” to come back to me, I tried to take his hand as we walked along the street or participated in activities together such as touring the sights in London, he would stuff his hands in his pockets, walk faster than me, and turn his body away from me. He was cold and disrespectful. The penultimate day of our vacation I could not take the strain anymore and I confronted “Mr. N” about his demeanor and behavior. I could not understand how or why he came to England. How he could stand by and let me pay for everything and treat me in such a disgusting, cruel, cold and disrespectful way. I did not have endless money, I had already paid a great deal for this trip but he seemed very comfortable to literally just stand there and let me continue to pay. How absolutely despicable of him especially as he was already CHEATING ON ME! When I confronted him I was strong, I did not cry I simply challenged him telling him that if he did not want to be with me then go - it is as simple as that - but to stop treating me like I am a pariah. His face was delighted at my statement he threw his arms around telling me that he loved me but was not sure if he was “in love” with me and that he was “confused”… really. He said that perhaps he needed space, like two weeks… translation while he test drove his new Narcissistic Supply… I told him that he has been cruel and disrespectful and had treated me with such distasted I felt he hated me. I asked him who he had been texting all day and late in to the night EVERY NIGHT of our trip, I asked him if there was someone else. He got angry, tried to accuse me of being “crazy” and imagining things - there was no apology, and he ignored my protests. I was not happy, as I pulled away he kept repeating I am not saying you are not the one for me, you may be, but then again I am confused… I was NOT buying it. This is a 52 year old man who has been in the driving seat of this relationship from day 1. I have given myself holistically to him and he has taken what he needed and when. He was done, I was old hat but he wanted to keep me on the side lines in case his new, fresh narcissistic supply did not work out. This is always a risk for a person with NPD apparently.
So here we are back at the beginning of my story, which is the end. The “I am such a catch” has just walked out of my life. Since the moment he walked out of my life he has not bothered once to see if I am okay let alone alive. I am glad that I have educated myself and see what he is and how a person with NPD works. I have retained my self-respect. I have not called him, pleaded with him, chased him or argued with him. Although I have cried an ocean let alone a river I have not allowed him to see me shed one tear. I will most certainly never try to educate him or reason with him. He will never recognize the monster that he is, he will continue in his quest to find perfect love and in doing so break many a woman’s hearts and spirit, I just hope that he never comes across a woman who does not have the strength to see the wood through the trees. I believe in Karma and I know that he lives in pain every day. I know that he will never find what he is looking for because it simply does not exist. I know with my hand on my heart that I loved this man and gave him my all.
Moving On: I sent a very business-like text t let him know my friend was picking up my belonging (including my new dressing gown and slippers). He gave me most of my things but has stated that my precious Baptism Cross he has been unable to find. This I do not believe – remember he is so OCD everything has its place – my cross I am confident still sits on his bible. Perhaps he is retaining this as a trophy or perhaps when his new narcissistic supply runs thin he will use this as a reason to contact me. Bottom line an NPD does not care if his NS is negative or positive so the chances are he will try to call. I have not contacted him since I got my things back. I am sure this has shocked and annoyed him. He has now disconnected me from FB (Probably trying to get a rise out of me), although his sisters and Mom still remain my friends. I have not listed or stated anything about him or our relationship on FB. In fact he has absolutely no idea how I am, what I am doing or what I am feeling.
His behavior has been text book NPD. I thank the heavens that I have been educated on NPD, that I have the friends and family that I do and that I was fortunate to find a therapist who gets it, is highly experienced in dealing with this behavior field and is helping me to heal. I have no misconceptions that this pain and disappointment will dissipate any time soon; his betrayal is beyond words, the damage is very deep and very severe and I need time to heal. I do however know that in time the sun will shine in my world again, that I will come out of this as a much healthier, wiser and stronger person. I will learn to trust my instincts, to learn to love myself and to be happy alone; only then will I have the strength to make the choice if I wish to allow love in the form of a man back in to my life. So as the minutes, hours, days and weeks pass my rollercoaster ride of healing continues. There are times where I feel almost normal and times I cannot control my grief, despair and disappointment. I go from feeling strength and good spiritual energies to feeling devastated, sobbing uncontrollably, having panic attacks whereby I cannot breathe; I cannot even focus or see properly. I long for the nights to allow me peace of mind and a painless heart. I want to remember myself with a smile and forget that I ever knew him. I picture his dark, cold persona and I tell myself every day that I am a good person, full of love and empathy. I am grateful for the wisdom bestowed upon me and if by sharing my story I help just one person perhaps that is enough for me to understand why I have had to endure a relationship with the devil… in sheep’s clothing.