Ghosts of Christmas past...Triggers..awful memories. and New hope

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#1 Dec 18 - 10PM
TruthbeginsToday
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Ghosts of Christmas past...Triggers..awful memories. and New hope

For as long as I can remember..I've wanted a warm loving Holiday season. I loved Christmas, loved buying for kids. Loved the lights and the food. I loved the music and the baking.I wanted a warm loving, caring, joyous Holiday.

I've always been thankful for what I had and My ex N/P never had enough.
I hate the triggers of those holidays with him. Not ONE GOOD MEMORY of Christmas with him. NOT ONE.
What I did was never right.I began to DREAD CHRISTMAS. His family was SO demanding and so cruel to me.

I showed up every year with heartfelt, hard to find gifts and food. I saw the PILES of presents under his Mothers tree from her to the family. These piles were almost always taller than the child who was receiving them.The adult gifts were excessive in number,expensive and exactly what they wanted. And then there was my gift.. He and his family would put a video camera on me and watch as I unwrapped a cardboard box,I opened it and nothing inside..or used candles that she no longer wanted...a candlestick(one of a pair).
22 years of this.
One year I saw these 4 unwrapped crystal beaded tree decorations and hoped they were for the women..her 3 daughters and me.I was so excited! When they got passed out, mine was damaged and would not stand up. I was so disappointed.She did it again.. The other gifts are trash now but I keep the crystal tree to remind me of what I left behind.

It wasn't about the gift that I got or didn't get, IT WAS the MESSAGE and the cruelty. That hurt me. It was SO blatant and they ALL seemed to enjoy it.No one ever said a word...as if it was normal.I always said thank you .

I felt hurt.I hated going there every year and wondered why my husband expected me to. NOW I know ..HE enjoyed the ill treatment of me. It makes me sick now.

At home, my N/P set a trap for me every year. I consulted with him about HOW he wanted to do things and what to buy.
He never helped...but he took all the credit for what I did and then complained that it either wasn't enough or too much OUT LOUD. I put my heart and soul into Christmas and he always complained. He never so much as wrapped a gift.He always promised to help but NEVER came through and I ended up being exhausted taking care of what he "forgot or couldn't find the time " to do.
My joy was buying for children who would otherwise not have much. I loved it. My joy was the things I did to warm others with love, good food and fun. I carved out a little peace for ME that way. I paid for it in many ways and he always tried to ruin it. He hated my hearts generosity for anyone but himself and HIS mother.I did it anyway.One of his favorite ways to ruin Christmas was to store the tree and ornaments way up high so I couldn't get them by myself and had to ask HIM to get them for me. Week after week he forgot or was too tired or started a fight.He thought decorating was a waste of my time and kept me from important things.I eventually had the tree and decorations stored together in an easier to reach location..2 years before we split up.

From HIM there were never any gifts for me under the tree. My punishment for spending on children.
Sometimes, on Christmas morning he would hand me a paper bag.It was always the same...candy, and I couldn't have sugar. The candy was for him but it LOOKED to others that it was thoughtful. The perfect gift for me would have been to stop being so cruel. I never got what I wanted and needed.Funny, every year I thought..maybe this time...maybe. I thought this because he blamed his job. NO time, no energy to shop or buy. I remember doing everything and I mean everything and he always found MORE for me to do.

When we separated, I couldn't wait to have a nice peaceful, loving Christmas but I could not find the CHRISTMAS TREE and ornaments. When we inquired about the missing tree and decorations he claimed no knowledge of it.2 years later, the tree was found by accident when I had to go into the crawl space. It was found under the house deep in a dark damp corner. He had broken into my home and hid the tree in a spot that it would be ruined! It was no easy job for him to get this done.. He had to crawl through bushes and under the deck through mud and then maneuver a huge box through a maze of pipes to get it hidden.Another punishment for me. he Knew that these things meant to us. The ornaments were missing but somehow the tree survived.It needs some care but it survived. I had spent years looking for this special tree( to buy it) and he knew how important it was to me and my son.Our ornaments were not replaceable. Childhood ones, homemade ones and all the special ones that were priceless.So many memories from grandparents who have passed on, my father who died in '06 and all of our favorite things, GONE.

I hope to one day have a different memory of the Holidays.
I'm poor now because he stole everything we saved together which was quite a bit.

There will be no gifts or ornaments this year BUT there WILL be a TREE that needs a little care...undecorated but a survivor. It will stand alone..warm and lit..shining in the darkness. It is starting over...but I am determined to rebuild it...just like me.

I have no money, no husband, no family except for my son.My son and I are alive and that is something to be thankful for.
I've lost so much including my health.I'm still struggling with PTSD . I'm a mess. I cry and grieve almost daily, but I'm alive and I HOPE. I HOPE to HAVE my FIRST warm, loving Christmas this year. God willing. My son and I and our tree will start our NEW memories.

This time of year can cause so much pain for so many of us.
There are so many triggers and reminders of loss.

My HOPE is that no matter how awful it seems at the moment...no matter how nostalgic you feel DO NOT GO BACK and Please try to feel the HOPE here and the PEACE and LOVE that are waiting for you.

Healing and re- building our lives.

I hope for new memories and experiencing warmth and love for all of you.

Happy Holidays

Dec 19 - 11AM
AllGiggles
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Damn damn damn I am going

Dec 19 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
Used
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fee the supervillian

Dec 19 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
AllGiggles
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I think so . even thou I have

Dec 19 - 7AM
talktothehand
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TBT

Dec 19 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
TruthbeginsToday
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I endured because I didn't

Dec 18 - 11PM
NoMoreFreakBoy
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TBT

Dec 19 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
AllGiggles
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It made my cry too n it took

Dec 18 - 11PM
NoMoreFreakBoy
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TBT

Dec 19 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
TruthbeginsToday
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NMFB

Dec 18 - 11PM
kollontai77
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.