nycsurvivor's story

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#1 Feb 14 - 10PM
nycsurvivor
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nycsurvivor's story

I'm still new to this forum, and have been reading posts here which have been immensely helpful. I've never shared my story because it does not seem most people understand, unless they've been in a relationship with a N.

We were together for 1 year, and even talked about getting married and looked at rings. We're both in our late 30s, educated, smart professionals. Neither one of us has ever been married.

The verbal and emotional abuse started probably 3 months in, after our first long wknd together. He wanted to break up, and spewed evil, "You're not the one", "I'll never marry you", "You're so far from what I'm looking for", "I don't want you", and on and on. But strangely, I begged for him to stay and work things out. He did. Little did I know his spewing of pure hatred, and me begging and pleading would happen another half dozen times.

The abuse was so gradual. All I know is I was walking on eggshells doing everything to please him, and he was demanding. Cooking these elaborate meals. Constantly complaining about his stomach, his sensitive back, and just went on and on. Making sure not to say things to upset him, but not sure what would set him off. My family and friends saw my transformation from a confident, vibrant, attractive woman who was constantly worried about pleasing him.

He ruined every single happy occasion with my friends and family in the last year.

Then, I found out a few months ago I was pregnant. Complete accident, but also a blessing. He first told me he wanted the baby, and wanted to get married. And, as he does best, he pulled the rug out from right underneath me. He didn't want the baby, but told me if I kept it, he would be asserting his rights. (yes, a not so subtle threat). He told me he didn't care if I lived or die.

He left me when I was pregnant. I decided I could not keep the child. I had to endure the abortion on my own.He does not know what I ended up doing because we have had 1 month of No Contact.

After all he's put me through, I'm still wondering if I'll ever hear from him?

How can a man walk away from someone he has been with for 1 year? We saw each other almost every single day. How can he not contact me when he doesn't know if I kept the baby?

What kind of man leaves his pregnant girlfriend? What kind of man doesn't try to find out whether she kept the baby or not? What kind of man doesn't want to know whether he's going to be a father or not? How can someone be this heartless?

I don't understand.

Feb 28 - 10AM
sparky2009
sparky2009's picture

I understand how you feel

I understand how you feel but I made it 3.5 years and two babies . He left me numerous times during my first pregnancy and left for good during my second one. I was the dumb one who put up with such horrible behavior. I remember mentioning abortion to him and he would beg me not to . He wanted a chance to be a wonderful father ! Except when I was at home taking care of his baby he wanted he was at work hitting on women and going to the bar with women. I even told him if he had spent half as much time being a father to our daughter as he had flirting with women he wouldn't have had time to fall for someone else. He totally agreed with me . Be relieved you no longer have a tie to him and stay away from him . Trust me I had numerous times to get away from mine I remember when he and I were engaged I was driving 120 miles twice a week to finish my degree and working full time. He dumped me during this tough time in my life. Six weeks later he called wanted to go to lunch ... At lunch I remember thinking this guy is completely nuts I do not want to spend my life with him . But for whatever reason I slept with him and got pregnant that day . I should have been strong enough that day to walk away . It sucks now but once you're out of it for awhile a sense of relief starts to come over you and you realize you have dodged a bullet.
Feb 15 - 1PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

The Mysteries Of Life

We all ponder over and over the painful question of "How the hell can they do the terrible things they do?" There simply is no concrete answer other than they are not really human. Their brains are weird. We shall never really comprehend. Nor would we want to walk a mile in their evil shoes in order to gain a better understanding. Anyways, I am terribly sorry for all your suffering and pain you have endured. I wish you all the best and hope you will try to read and learn a little everyday to become wiser, stronger, less vulnerable, and more and more at peace. Ultimately peace is an intangible that is worth more than all the money in the world. I wish this for you. God bless you.
Feb 15 - 2PM (Reply to #34)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

ForeverLearning -- Peace

Thank you. It's a struggle to gain that inner peace. It varies from hour to hour, and sometimes when I'm lucky, day to day. I know I need to make peace with knowing I may never know why he did what he did. That is one of the toughest part. How can someone not care to know if he is going to have a child? It would also affect his life. It's only been 1 month, and during this period, most of my thoughts have been centered around revenge, and I'm not the vengeful type. How can he walk away unscathed? How can he not be suffering? When will there be retribution? I want to hear from him, so I can ignore him, and so he knows what it's like to not exist. To not matter to someone after all this time together. Understanding that someone who acted like a feeling, functioning, kind at times person, came from someone not human, is quite a hurdle. You wonder who this person was I devoted myself to?
Feb 15 - 4PM (Reply to #35)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

How they get so good at being heartless

"Who was this person I devoted myself to?" I know what you mean. You are not the first lady who got scammed in love by a heartless weirdo loser. You know, the world's sickest serial torturers and killers, Ted Bundy and The BTK Killer, Dennis Rader, both had girlfriends/wives who slept in the same bed, in the arms of these demons, every night..... all while they were in the midst of their killing sprees. It's not your fault, these beasts are just really really really skillful at deceiving honest, good people. Sort of like these talented youngsters in the circus you see on the trapeze when Barnum & Bailey's comes to town. They start when they are young, and refine their artform (in the Narcissist and Psychopath's case, the art is deceit and dishonesty, along with being heartless and cold) along the way through their teens and into adulthood. It all starts in childhood, that's how they get so good by adulthood.
Feb 15 - 1AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome nycsurvivor

get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY - call a DV Center if you need to get an advocate ASAP to get this man completely out of your life - NOW - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. Your story is very very common. - PLEASE read through our WHOLE blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Please read all the Rules prior to posting, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers don't ALLOW him to contact you again... not pray for it! DO NOT ALLOW IT! NO CONTACT! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... Healing takes a MINIMUM of 18 months (with TOTAL NC) and you will need support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP. Do not date before 18 months has passed! I have had almost exclusively narc or sociopath men in my life. I had to endure 2 abortions alone - by 2 different narc men. Even when I ran into them years later and told them they felt SO WHAT? It affected me even more because I went through 12 years of serious invasive infertility treatments with my exNH and got no compassion from him then. Just know you did the right thing. KEEP THIS SOUL SUCKING, NON HUMAN PREDATOR OUT OF YOUR LIFE. (I'm in NYC myself btw) ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 15 - 2PM (Reply to #25)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Barbara -- I'm glad you are in NYC...

Seems like there are more narcissists in NYC than elsewhere.
Feb 15 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

nycsurvivor

ever been to Los Angeles? ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 15 - 4PM (Reply to #27)
serene69
serene69's picture

london

or london?
Feb 15 - 6PM (Reply to #32)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

been to london

I'd say its a tie with NYC ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 15 - 5PM (Reply to #28)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Big Cities Seem To Attract

.... a lot of Ns. There's more fame, fortune, and all types of NS to be accumulated.
Feb 15 - 6PM (Reply to #29)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

big cities

more people in big cities so the higher percentage of Psychopaths & Narcissists... just logic... ...and more 'supply' sources... ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 15 - 7PM (Reply to #30)
serene69
serene69's picture

big cities make it easier?

I would also have thought that in some ways it could be easier for an N to get away with their actions in a big city. With so many people around, even if enough people know how much a bastard they are, there are enough other people around who are still duped into thinking the N is the best thing in the world. Whereas in a small town they would probably be found out quicker.
Mar 4 - 4AM (Reply to #31)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

big cities and Narcissists....

mine lives in Tulsa ,he says he has more thean 200 phone numbers on his cell he never goes out only working,gaming internet chat and Porn,but he still going strong at groceries stores,i cant imagine people still don"t see trough him...i met him on a divx movie and music site.....

Aceonelady

Feb 15 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Good suggestions -- Unfair to wait 18 mos.

I will contact a counselor today to set something up this week. I really do think I need to speak to a professional. I spoke to one several times, but she did not understand Narcissist Personality Disorder. A friend of mine dated a narcissist, and he was not interested in dating, or even his "normal self" for several years. I understand the recovery will take a long time, but it makes me angry that I have to put my life on hold where he is likely onto his next NS. I'm in my late 30s, and don't know if I have 18 months to not date. I'm not getting younger (I never felt insecure about this until he kept drilling it into my head that I "don't have much time", etc.) Why should I have to put my life on hold, and delay finding someone good when he can just move on with his life, as if nothing has happened? It's not fair. He's happy in his life, and here I am suffering the consequences....unable to function, walking around in a shell of a person, etc. How will he pay? I want him to hurt. I want him to feel pain. After all the emotional and physical pain. I want him to contact me, so I can snub him. Does that make sense?
Feb 15 - 6PM (Reply to #24)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

maybe unfair BUT...

necessary... absolutely necessary and get yourself HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN by Sandra Brown, MA https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=136236&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2 and read: http://www.outoftheboxx.com/quizzes/desperate_dater.htm ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 15 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

don't do it

How will he pay? I want him to hurt. I want him to feel pain. After all the emotional and physical pain. He won't. He won't feel a thing. He's NOT HUMAN. I want him to contact me, so I can snub him. Does that make sense? Sure but it won't work with a Narc. PLEASE NO CONTACT. That's the best revenge ever. BLOCK HIM. There is no closure with a Narc. Regular rules do NOT apply. Somehow they all manage to hurt us again - so please NO CONTACT!!! BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 15 - 4PM (Reply to #20)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

No Contact Is The Way

I have no desire to contact him. The only reason I want him to contact me is so I can ignore his contact. Ignore him, so he knows I'm indifferent to him. That he doesn't matter enough in my life for me to respond to him. I want to ignore him so he thinks he meant so little to me. That he is just as insignificant to me as I seemingly was to him. I feel strong enough to know I don't need to block him b/c I have no desire to contact him. There's nothing he can say that I can believe, and there's nothing I can say that he can hear or understand. So, what is the point of communication?
Feb 15 - 4PM (Reply to #22)
serene69
serene69's picture

nycsurvivor

I know exactly how you feel. My N has discarded me and I am so grateful for that - I know fully what he is and he is a vile, inhumane lowlife. but there is a little bit of me that would love to just ignore him if he did try and contact. But I also know if I did receive a text, or see him call me then I would literally start shaking - and it would start things all over again, just as I am getting strong again. I know that my N may be trying to find out how I have reacted to him discarding me - hoping probably that my life is a mess now - and there are too many avenues nowadays - facebook, twitter etc that as much as you try and block people, things can be found out, especially if there are mutual friends. Fortunately none of my close friends know him, so I just make sure to everyone else (and anything i post on facebook, twitter etc) that I say all the positive things that are happening - how happy I am, etc etc (not lying - but rather than emphasising the low private parts of my day, I mention the good things) just incase he is snooping.
Feb 15 - 5PM (Reply to #23)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Checking up on you...

It's good that you are emphasizing the positive things, just in case he's snooping. After one of the many brief breakups (which lasted a day or two), he told me he was still checking up on my movie selections on Netflix!? He doesn't have access to the rest, so even when they destroy you, I think they still derive pleasure from knowing you are suffering. n Although we don't have any interest in communicating with them, it still feels good when they try to communicate with us. And we IGNORE them! It's gaining some of the power back we lost during the relationship. Every little bit helps in our recovery of self-esteem. There's a lot of power to be gained by ignoring them. Seems like nothing else will get to them.
Feb 15 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

So, what is the point of communication?

Please block him... take it from all of us you are running a dangerous course by not blocking him.
Feb 14 - 11PM
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NYCsurvivor

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is such a damaging condition (to those in their lives). They have no capacity to love, appreciate, value, or feel anything. They are blamers, projectors, liars, cheaters, etc. They are filled with hate; they abuse; they discard and recycle people continuously. You will quickly see that it seems like all of us are dating the same man. Those with NPD tend to behave in similar ways. When you lack empathy and are severely emotionally stunted at approximately three years old you will see an extremely offensive, abusive, cold, being. He will fake and pretend when he is trying to lure you in. However, that nice guy is not the real him. Believe me... when mine finally took off his maske he let me know that it pissed him off that he had to fake for soooo long. He told me, "I can't believe you actually thought someone could be that nice!" I know the pain you must be in. I was there too 8 months ago. I was a mess and nearly lived on this board asking questions and trying to work through the pain. It's tough when you are betrayed by these monsters. I'm soooo sorry about the pregnancy. It must have been a very difficult decision. Please hang in there. My ex and I are in our late 30's too. Mine dumped me the day after I told him my pregnancy test was negative... we were purposely trying to have a baby and he had me convinced that he would be there for me and wanted it as much as I did. It was our first month trying, so i was really excited bc I was trying to get a handle on figuring out ovulation dates. Little did I know my narc was getting his attention fix from a new girl. He was cheating on me the whole time.... one of the girls was his ex-girlfriend who he is back with now. The day after I informed him of my negative pregnancy test he dumped me via email and has not spoken to me since. As though it were ME who did something wrong. He never gave an apology or explanation. No closure of course. He just moved on with his new supply and back up supply sources of girls who are always there. In his email he informed me he had to dump me bc I scrutinize him too much. All I was doing was telling him to stop abusing me! It was simply a cover story so he could make a clean break from me to be with his new girl. NYCsurvivor, they are horrible monsters and hurting you means NOTHING to them. They experience no hurt or anything! It is hard to imagine (because we have emotions past a 3 yr old) to simply walk away from someone we were in a relationship with. Someone we were trying to make a baby with OR in your case actually was a pregnancy. However, without a developed emotional system there is no guilt, shame, regret, remorse, love, happiness, shame... etc (fill in the emotion). I am sorry you are going through this. Continue to post, read, and learn all that you can. Jess
Feb 14 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

BTW

I want to also add that he will likely come back... they tend to come back to their old supply... to see if they can use/abuse you some more. Mine did that once (that was all I would allow) Since the whole dumping me via email 8 months ago, he has sent a couple of text messages. Stupid, "how are you" Or "Happy Birthday.. I wish you nothing but happiness and good health." He says THAT to me after dumping me while we were in the midst of a >1 yr relationship and trying to make a baby!!!!! Insane. So... I dont think you have heard the last of your ex. If so... then I would be really surprised!
Feb 15 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Jessika

Thank you. I'm sorry you went through something similar. It's fortunate that you did not get pregnant by your exN. When you are pregnant, you are much more vulnerable, and I think that is when these Ns take the opportunity to abandon you. Although ours was unplanned (and since we are both in our late 30s, we didn't think it could happen so easily with a few unsafe times), he often alluded to having a child, insisted on buying a car that would be "family-friendly" or "easy to get baby seats out of" or "those look like sturdy baby cribs." He also preyed on my vulnerability from my recent job loss. He lost his finance job and has been unemployed for 2 years (from the time I met him), and I think he may have not liked it when I was laid off. I noticed the devalue and discard was more often after I lost my job, and this was before I found out I was pregnant. And then the 180 degrees after pregnant. I don't understand why he could be so gung ho, when he first found out, and wanted to get married immediately, etc., and then a few days later, he was adamant I have an abortion. He claimed it was b/c I was not excited by the pregnancy and truthfully, I was in shock. I was quiet for a few days, and was in a catatonic state. A few days prior to finding out about the pregnancy, he just broke it off with me over the holidays. So you can imagine the emotional roller-coaster... This has been the most difficult time of my life. I *never* thought I would be having an abortion, after being pregnant for the first time, in my late 30s. I'm so devastated at how things turned out. I could be engaged/married now, expecting our first child, but instead, I had an abortion, and single, and need to rebuild my life from scratch. I have been living on these boards for the last week, since I discovered it. It's so reassuring when you are speaking to others who know the N personality. Will it ever get easier? It's been 1 month. I want him to contact me, so I can ignore him. I want him to hurt, and feel the emotional and physical pain (by the abortion) he has caused me. All I can think of is revenge, and I am not that type of person. I've gotten over longer relationships, broken engagement, etc., but this one I feel like I'm devastated. Will he hurt?
Feb 15 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

nycsurvivor

No matter what . . . never, ever, ever tell this man you had an abortion! Trust me! He will tell everybody that you murdered his child! He will use this to assassinate your character. If necessary, lie. The baby miscarried. But, please, never, ever talk to him again. No contact. So, so sorry for you. You have really suffered. I hope you have a good support network? Mom? Girlfriend? Somebody. Take very good care of yourself. Most likely he will turn up. Maybe not, if you're lucky. He thinks you're pregnant & that will cost him money & be an inconvenience to him. BTW that's why he took off. It's all about him.
Feb 15 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

AgnesMurphy17

Thank you. I don't plan on telling him anything. He does not deserve to know how I decided. Someone who tells me we should get married and be so excited to have the baby, and to pull the rug out from underneath me, and then push for an abortion. And to not even check in this past month to see what I've decided? This is not forgivable. How a man who is almost 40, can tell a woman to get an abortion is incomprehensile?! We're not teenagers who made a mistake. I don't have much of a support network in friends, unfortunately. My "friends" (and I've only confided in 3) have barely checked in on me. Luckily, my mom has been very supportive, but I've burdened her enough, and talked to her incessantly, and unfortunately vented my anger and frustration at her. I agree he fled b/c it was inconvenient for him. What's interesting is he told me we had problems in the relationship, and should not have a child now, BUT we can work on the relationship, and in a few months, we'll get married, and get pregnant then. If it's all about him, and how this would have a negative impact on him if I had a child (possible visitation, child support, etc.), still not sure why he would not try to find out if he'll have a child out there in 7 months? How can he sleep at night? This is something I will never understand.
Feb 16 - 1AM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

here's how

How can he sleep at night? This is something I will never understand. NOT HUMAN PREDATOR period. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 15 - 12AM (Reply to #8)
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

Funny, people say they

Funny, people say they always come back...when I broke up with him, we fought constantly over the phone for 3 months. In person, he ignored me like a stranger or said, "Hey. How are you?" around his friends so he wouldn't look like the bad guy...the last time I heard from him was 2 months ago and he threatened me and I haven't heard from him since. I saw him a few weeks ago and he bolted upon seeing me. But he has never tried to get back together with me. We broke up over a year ago (he dumped me before Thanksgiving, then we got back together around Christmas- but he said he didn't want to and I convinced him of doing it). He has never crawled back to me at all. Why hasn't this happened to me? Not that I would take him back! But I find it odd...
Feb 26 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Kimmers55
Kimmers55's picture

Wow...same thing happened to me!

Our stories are very very very very similar. My exN bolts when he sees me, but instead of acting like the nice guy infront of his friends..he turned his friends on me! What the heck? I find it odd too, that i hear most stories of EXN's coming back..but mine doesn't come back at all..its like i am the plague and he avoids me at all costs...why is that?
Feb 27 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Kimmers55

Psycho-Boy avoids me like the plague now. Because I found out everything - all his secrets - the mask - the B.S. - I probably know more than his nearest & dearest. Remember, Psycho-Boy recycled me after 27 years. NarcNarc's psycho recycled an old girlfriend after 30 years. He must have new supply or realizes you know exactly what he is and won't tolerate bad treatment. It doesn't mean there's ANYTHING wrong with you. Consider it a gift! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 19 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
rache
rache's picture

probably

has found another NS....thats what THEY do so well.