Good Bye Denis et Bonne Chance

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#1 Nov 22 - 10PM
PinkPeony
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Good Bye Denis et Bonne Chance

I promised myself to finally write this good-bye letter to you today...and it's almost midnight, so I've pretty much been avoiding it until the last hour.

I have been doing so well since being NC...beginning to remember who I am, and starting to feel alive...sometimes. My healing has been ongoing, it's been a very long journey, but I've been mostly cheerful and moving forward...so why did I wake up and before I even have coffee...I had to wipe the tears from my face? I haven't cried or been sad in months? But today I've been a puddle off and on.

So what was triggering this emotion? Relief, grief...? And then you called from a number in Montreal that I cannot block here where I am now...3,000 miles away from you...safe from you...Of course! You hovered, bc today is the exact day I left you...2 years ago. Thanks for reminding me...bastard.

I remember that morning well. I had been deliberately loving you up and feeding you such syrupy sweet over the top & unforgettable 'supply' for weeks ( that you utterly ate up and believed...you are just THAT self absorbed) to throw you off that I was walking out the door of the home we had shared for nearly 4 years for the very last time on that very morning...just as soon as you left for work. With the help of friends, encouragement of family and advice of law enforcement...this had been a day that had to be carefully planned...months in advance, for my safety.

You were wonderful to me the whole first year. An impeccable gentleman. Attentive & romantic, and I could not see past all that charm and subterfuge,...but the red flags blare in hindsight. I would NEVER in a million years, believe you were capable of the things you did...the lying, cheating, history of violence and previous arrests for terrible abuse....

I will never forget the pinnacle moment when I knew...without any more doubt, CD, or self denial...that I HAD to leave you if I wanted to live. I had tried to leave you so many times after the first ( & last ) time you beat me, but you would plead, beg, become angry, threaten...stalk me...literally frighten the wits out of me...until it became safer,...felt safer ( illusion ) to stay with you...until I could get far...FAR away from you. The OW...the cheating ( even when we seemed close and happy )...your addiction to porn and chasing everything in a skirt...online, at the gym, work, grocery store, downtown, at the mall, at the cosmetics counters, the bookstore, every single restaurant,...literally everywhere we went...you were always searching the vicinity to flirt with anyone who 'looked back'...and check out every possible *opportunity* that might stroke your ego, give you more attention...more validation. I had never known anyone in my life who did this...and at first thought it was humorous...until it became annoying...and pathetic.

The scent of OW on you at times...the phone calls from OW calling our home asking for YOU, and wondering who I was...so much STUFF over the years that I didn't want to see...well I certainly see clearly now. Funny how time and distance helps with that.

All of that...it was the 'fun' part of being with you...compared to the utter bewilderment at your strange temper tantrums and whining that I have never even seen a 2 year old do...not a pretty sight to watch a full grown man pitch a hussy fit and literally whine like a child just because he thinks he should not have to wait in line like everyone else, for example...YOU, Denis F., being so SPECIAL and everything...Poor Lord Fauntleroy !!!

All the putdowns & D&D, then the 'honeymoon', then the threats...then the love and sincere attentiveness...then grabbing me by the hair...then your arms around me...then pinching my breasts until i thought i would pass out from the pain, ... then the laughter and playfulness...then glasses of wine & kisses for hours in front of the fire on a snowy night...many snowy nights...and the OW...and your extreme mood swings...then the promises...then more abuse...then tenderness...then an OW coming right up to you at a hockey game and you & she act like i wasnt even there, then....the ups and downs and all arounds, the hot and cold...you love me forever, then the doubts...the minute something with long legs walks by...and your road rage, and arrests, and child abuse...and restraining orders taken out against you by other women...and court ordered treatment for domestic violence that only taught you how to hide things better...with a better mask...and on and on...

Yes, all that 'other' stuff was nothing compared to the terror I felt the first time you RAGED in an instant...over something so insignificant...and the time you raised your fist ( just one of many times like this to come later) and threatened to kill me...and the time you beat me and it took 6 months to recover physically...and a year of counseling to help me get strong enough to try to get away from you. You didn't know that I had found this website...and was on it for over a year and a half before I left...

The day you laid those knives out on the kitchen cabinet and told me that "you don't want to know what I'll do to you if you leave me...that was the last day...

Goodbye Denis

Nov 23 - 5AM
thenewjane
thenewjane's picture

Thankful

Nov 27 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
PinkPeony
PinkPeony's picture

Hi thenewjane

The Narcissists Girlfriend

Nov 30 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
thenewjane
thenewjane's picture

yes, indeed

Nov 27 - 5PM
PinkPeony
PinkPeony's picture

*Sorry, extra post.

The Narcissists Girlfriend

Nov 22 - 10PM
LightAtTheEndOf...
LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel's picture

So sorry to read your sorry.

Nov 27 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
PinkPeony
PinkPeony's picture

Thank You *LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel

The Narcissists Girlfriend