"So, You're in Love With a Narcissist"

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#1 Jul 19 - 11PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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"So, You're in Love With a Narcissist"

excerpts from Alexandra Nouri's great book:

Narcissists love passive aggression because they get to be cruel, sadistic and punishing without having it overtly look that way. They can pull nasty stunts and have it look like an accident or like the responsibility of someone else, most likely you.
Passion Aggression by Alexandra Nouri

People with prolonged exposure to narcissists need intensive therapy. They're often on anti-depressant medication and have health problems like migraines, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome. They've forgotten their purpose in life and they feel numb. They can have symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Prolonged Duress Stress Disorder.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri

Whether they're born or made; whether they're classified just right in the DSM or not; whether they're 'mentally ill' or 'emotionally ill;' whether they're severe NPD, 'narcissistic type' or "only" have 'narcissistic tendencies,' doesn't matter here. Leave all that to the university guys. Study it yourself after you're out and away and he's leaving you alone. The abuse hurts you deep and hard no matter what labels and qualifiers are slapped on the narcissist. Try all the maneuvers you want, but if he's close to you, if you're in contact with him, he'll hurt you.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri

Research away, but never forget that the reason you're looking into NPD is because you've been emotionally devastated at the hands of a psychopath. Start feeling sorry for them or thinking that there's some hope and you've not only shifted accountability for their abuse away from them, but you've given yourself a reason to keep at it. To stay. To love him more and try harder. Boom.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri

A very few extremely lucky targets (as target luck goes) are dealing with a Train Wreck Narcissist. These jewels will, often without warning or provocation, leave suddenly and completely with as much cruelty and abuse as possible and are never heard from again. Often they will sniff a hint of intent on your part to end or at least abate the abuse you're enduring, and in a knee-jerk response they'll do what they perceive to be abandoning you before you abandon them, and they'll do it coldly, harshly and totally.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri

If you're laying in bed weak with the flu and have four or five kids galloping around needing parenting, he'll go ahead and knock off work early on Friday and go on a four-hour kayaking trip with a couple (predominantly female) friends. Then he'll call you from the parking lot on the way home and ask if he can pick you up some soda crackers or something, and expect to be showered with appreciation and await your tears of joy at having someone so deeply considerate as he. When you fail to do so, it will be YOU and your COLD, unloving self that is responsible for any ensuing tension.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri

Here's where some of us trip up. We love giving love, and love it when it's well-received. Here's the fact of it: It ain't love they want. Love is deep. Narcissists have the depth of a sidewalk mud puddle. They only want love to the extent that it looks like worship. They like, "Oh, I just loved the way you parked the car. How do you do that, always so straight and just the right distance from the house (moonstruck looks, starry eyes)?" They hate, "I love you, and I was wondering if you thought about the future." Even if that's presented after 12 years together, you're on a romantic boat trip and you're pregnant, it will be processed thusly: "RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Assault! Attack! You want to rip away my freedom, eh?
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri

When we leave the Narcissist, it's because the abuse has gotten intolerable. Afterwards, when he calls us and pushes the buttons he knows extremely well, the temptation to give him another chance can be overwhelming. We're hurt; we're mad; we want to recoup some of our losses; we love him and want it to work; we just can't believe that anyone would be so warped as to hurt us that way, so we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. All roads point to trying again with the N.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri

I assume we all agree that with Narcissists, we're generally dealing with two people: The guy he is, and the guy he pretended to be. You miss one of them. I take it we all know which one. Pretend Guy is gone. Deceased. This hurts. This really hurts. It needs to be mourned. In addition to the loss of Pretend Guy, you've got mucho grande abuses heaped on you by Actual Guy. Topping off this pile of misery and trauma, Actual Guy and Pretend Guy inhabit the same body. Only another psycho wouldn't be thrown into a tailspin by the surreality of it all. When he calls you after the breakup, he sounds just like Pretend Guy! 'You're alive!,' you think. 'You're not dead! Yes, YOU are my true love! You're finally back! Oh, WHEN can I see you?' Whoa, there, Sister. Let me spare you a tiny bit of hurt here by having us skip ahead to where he slams you again and you wake up in the harsh, cold world of Reality. Things just got even worse. Pretend Guy is still gone, Actual Guy is still abusing you, Pretend Guy and Actual Guy are still the same guy, AND now any baby steps into healing you might have made just got deleted into nothingness.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri

The most common form of narcissistic devaluation is the blame-and-bolt maneuver.
The Devaluation Funhouse by Alexandra Nouri

you immediately begin to try to reason with him or find out what brought this on, and that, of course, is rich, full-bodied attention directed at him, the nectar of narcissistic life.
The Devaluation Funhouse by Alexandra Nouri

And you wonder how he's feeling. Of course you do; not only are you sensitive and caring (Narcissists don't pick hardasses for partners), but you're conditioned to feel that way. The entire relationship was about him and his wants and needs. He literally trained you to think of little else. The real you, the pre-N you, doesn't want an abusive, mentally ill, inconsistent, selfish freak, ridiculous in his pandering for attention, chock full of contempt and inner conflicts that spill out and burn you. The real you wants a real partner.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri (with permission)

For the rest of us, we need to heed the experiences of my online friend L. L's man came on strong. Charming. Wonderful. They married, and he immediately became selfish, cold, and ambivalent about their marriage but refused to leave; he was unempathic, wildly defensive and manipulative. He was a Narcissist. L knew something was morbidly wrong, but she stayed; he'd grow distant, she'd work to make it better. How long did this go on before she read the writing on the wall?
Friend L stayed with her narcissist for three decades, until she 'selfishly' left him to preserve the remaining shards of sanity she had. I wonder if she has any regrets about leaving and wishes she could have him back, or if she has any general advice for the rest of us. Let's ask her, shall we?

Alex: Hey, L. Do you have any advice for the gals out here who are on the fence about their Narcissist partners?

L: G E T! O U T! I WENT THROUGH YEARS OF HELL. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIRTY YEARS AGO. I WANT MY THIRTY YEARS BACK!!!
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri

Sep 6 - 9AM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Thank you Ruby

It's good to know that I was not the only insane one. Dee x
Sep 6 - 8AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Bump

Excellent! Wanted to bump this up again.
Sep 6 - 9AM (Reply to #20)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

When I have any doubt that

When I have any doubt that mine is an N...all I need to do is read this. Wow So heartbreaking for all of us. How ugly these Ns are.
Jun 14 - 9PM
wacaet
wacaet's picture

thanks for bumping this

thanks for bumping this up...great post!
Jun 14 - 6PM
Southernbelle
Southernbelle's picture

Advice

I have to agree. I stayed 25 so I have five less years to lose than L. I should be thankful for that. Sad thing is the physical abuse started the first year. I was only 21 my whole life ahead of me. starting over seemed incomprehensible. I finally couldn't take the abuse any more and got out. Now I'm 48 and desperately want that loving marriage experience I never had and I have PTSD and while my friends are enjoying their husbands and kids growing up and some financial stability I'm alone, working in a career I'm burned out in and struggling to start over and left with a very small pool of men to date and knowing my looks and health are unable to overcome my age, which is getting close to 50. He gets the three kids half the time and my son cut me off for the most part. That was the biggest sacrifice to getting out. I am so depressed I just sometimes don't have the will to keep going. So if you have only wasted,say 3 years..TAKE YOUR LOSSES and move on.
Feb 3 - 4AM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

This one is for me

Yes and this one is for me to remember always when i feel bad cos he left me but it must have been cos i was trying to end of abate the emotional abuse and mind manipulation(that i didn't even know was happening i might add). 'A very few extremely lucky targets (as target luck goes) are dealing with a Train Wreck Narcissist. These jewels will, often without warning or provocation, leave suddenly and completely with as much cruelty and abuse as possible and are never heard from again. Often they will sniff a hint of intent on your part to end or at least abate the abuse you're enduring, and in a knee-jerk response they'll do what they perceive to be abandoning you before you abandon them, and they'll do it coldly, harshly and totally'. So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri
Feb 3 - 5AM (Reply to #13)
bubbles
bubbles's picture

The book

No truer words said Ellen, In love with a N.. I was indeedy-doody.. have you purchased the book? Im exhausting my keyboard trying to find and buy it.. Bless Bubbles
Feb 3 - 6AM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Bubbles

Nouri's book is out of print. I mention in another post that her website was closed about a year ago. here's our recommended list: http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/14/recommended-reading-victims ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 3 - 5AM (Reply to #14)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Bubbles

Hi Bubbles, No i can't find the book. I had a look on amazon this morning after i read your post. I have found every book i need so far. When you find this one do let us know.
Feb 3 - 5AM (Reply to #15)
bubbles
bubbles's picture

Ellen

Try as I might I so hope BARBARA will come to our aid as like yourself I can find 'most' books BUT the ones that REALLY seem to strike home can't be found.. Until then..
Feb 2 - 10PM
helpmefromn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

HOW ON EARTH DOES HE GET AWAY WITH IT...

And you wonder how he's feeling. Of course you do; not only are you sensitive and caring (Narcissists don't pick hardasses for partners), but you're conditioned to feel that way. The entire relationship was about him and his wants and needs. He literally trained you to think of little else. The real you, the pre-N you, doesn't want an abusive, mentally ill, inconsistent, selfish freak, ridiculous in his pandering for attention, chock full of contempt and inner conflicts that spill out and burn you. The real you wants a real partner. I LOVE THIS. HE DID TRAIN ME TO ONLY THINK OF HIM, AND THAT IS WHY IT IS STILL HARD TO FORGET HIM, BUT I AM GETTING THERE. WHAT A JERK. I AM NOT AT ALL IMPRESSED WITH HIM BUT OFTEN FASCINATED THAT HE GETS AWAY WITH WHAT HE DOES. I WAS WEAK, YES, BUT HE WAS WORSE AND SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT BECAUSE OF MY WEAKNESS AND INSECURITIES OR SUPPORTED ME -- INSTEAD HE PLAYED WITH MY WEAKNESS'.
Feb 2 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

you were NOT WEAK

you are still blaming yourself and not grasping the luring, hypnosis/ trance and mind control he did to keep you reeled in. Have you read the WHOLE blog??? And next time... please turn your caps off ;) ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 2 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
helpmefromn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

No, I was weak..

I was weak when he met me, and I would never tolerate what I tolerated then, now. End of story. I was vulnerable, and took advantage, and yes, worked his hypnosis, but that wouldn't work on me now.
Feb 2 - 8PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Holy Cow, This Is Good Stuff!!

I love it when Alexandra Nouri wrote: "Narcissists don't pick hard asses for partners!" Truer words never spoken!!!
Feb 2 - 8AM
rache
rache's picture

WOW!

Good dose of REALITY with my morning coffee! Two thumbs up! .
Feb 2 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Steph
Steph's picture

I second that!

I second that!
Feb 2 - 7AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

So... You're In Love With a Narcissist

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 2 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
Patsy
Patsy's picture

Close To Home

Three freaking decades sounds familiar... Great post. The only thing I might add is -- GET THE F OUT!!!
Sep 10 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

so, you're in love with a narcissist

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Feb 2 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

I love the way she writes!

I love the way she writes!
Feb 2 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Wow . . .

Wow . . .