How does he get to blame me??

She was in his life before I was. They seemed " cosy "
So why did he keep showing up in my life until I noticed him
why did he keep telling me that I meant so much to him
and why did he respect her and not me
I will never get over that one.
It was easy for her to respect him
I felt humiliated and insulted
She would get " kisses "
I would get " warm regards "
That was insulting to me
I could have dealt with that
no problem.
IF he had not kept telling me
how much I meant to him.
So how does he get to blame me
for reacting to that?
This has consumed my life
because I cannot understand it.
There was no reason to any of it.
I saw myself as an option
in the beginning
until he said :" this is a commitment "
a commitment to what ??
and " a love you "
what the hell does that even mean..
no one writes a person something like that.
It doesn't mean shit.
It does not say I love you.
In fact when I asked him he said I like you very much.
I write about it because every time that I do
it helps just a little bit more.
I know about narcs and PDs etc
but you can't be a partial narc or partial pd
anymore than you can be partially pregnant
So maybe he's not a narc and not a PD
maybe he was just using me to get her attention
I almost contacted him today.
After being NC for nearly six months.
I feel like I screwed up.
I just need answers
and I was going to ask him wtf..?
and why ?
because I am not ever going to have peace with it
until I know.
I have every f****** right to try and get answers.
If his life was so complicated
if he had someone else that meant so much to him also
then why the hell was he pursuing me
and how did it all get twisted around to being my fault..
In the first month
he entered my life
and so I started to talk to him.
In fact I told him that I talk too much.
He said " I don't think so. I love the way that you are "
And please keep doing this or that
and I asked him to not encourage me.
but he just still kept telling me how much I meant to him
And when I asked him to leave my life, he said, " I don't want to leave "
And so how does he get to blame me
when all I ever wanted was foe him to show me
that I was so " important " to him
But he didn't.
He ignored me.
But not her.
And it is taking me a long time
to accept it all
because I feel violated.
I don't think that it is too much to ask for a person
to show you that thy mean what they say.