I moved everything out today...NC Day #1

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Dec 2 - 8AM
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Good for you. Time is your

Good for you. Time is your friend but I know right now it's just plain hard. Lots of hot baths and gentleness to yourself, right? You just did something amazing!
Dec 1 - 7AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali - great job

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/01/no-no-list-after-you-or-he-leaves http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/09/11/what-no-contact-means http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/07/31/there-no-such-thing-safe-level-contact ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Dec 1 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
4joys4
4joys4's picture

mmacali

This is a step out. Good for you. Now the hard part starts. Do everything you can for support. I cant stress how important this is. I am divorced and will never again see the N, but the mind games continue. And the brainwashing they did when you were with them takes a long time to wear off. I have slipped, but am back on track. Everything written on this site is true, although in the beginning, I couldnt believe a person could be that evil and I was in the presence of one. Good luck.
Dec 1 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NC Day #2

Thank you 4joy4. You are correct, even if my N is not present and up in my face, the brainwashing is present. I have to keep reminding myself that he "threw me out like garbage." That statement in my head seems to be helping for now because I find myself gravitating to "well, maybe he really wanted me to stay and he just wanted to see if I would really leave"...this is CRAP! I've been through that before. The NC seems the only way to go for me. I want so badly for him to provide the love and caring and initimacy I've always desired from him (and trust me, he ALWAYS provided this when he was worried I wasn't coming back - I've been through that devasting 2-day fake bliss many times). However, he did throw me out like garbage, like a serial killer would do to his victim, and that seems to make sense in my fragile emotional state of mind. This site is important to my success. Every time I can't get on it to read, re-read, post, I get nervous that I am going to throw away all of the tedious, painful, and overwhelming lengths I went to see NC Day #2. It's not like I haven't done ALL of this before, thrice over, but I know, deep down in my soul, that if I slip this time, I may be damaged to the point of never finding true happiness. Thank you all.
Dec 2 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

YAY! Good for you! Just keep reminding yourself too that it takes lots of time and diligence to work through recovery. There were days early on I just wanted to fast forward a year so I wouldn't be in so much pain, patiently waiting for some relief. Keep it up, it's not easy but many of us can tell you that sticking to strict NC works wonders.
Dec 5 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

quietude

Yes, if I could fast forward life to a year from today, that would be great. But I can't. I have to live with an uncomfortable "empty" reality for a while. It's only temporary, though. There is another dimension to my situation that I have not addressed. I am an alcoholic with a very addictive personality. I typically pick up more bad habits than I can drop...a perfect environment for an N. Don't think he let one day go by without reminding me why he is the "victim" - all of his wrongdoing is because I am an alcoholic. This being said, I want to mention that my drinking has curtailed in the past 5 days. I no longer have to "drink myself" to sleep. I no longer have to use alcohol to try and avoid thinking about the abusive monster I can't seem to please in the next room. I finally have the freedom to choose whether or not I drink...because he literally drove me to drink. It's my only bad habit that he could exploit. I pray for more good things to come...everyday is one more day I get closer to peace.
Dec 6 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

mmacali

You are taking some major steps - wow! I want to say that am a recovering alcoholic and believe me, I know fully well how this makes everything all my fault to my STBX N. The irony there is that part of my recovery is to take responsibility for my actions, so of course that makes me an easy target to the N. He once got hold of my "inventory" and used what he read there to lay waste to me. That'll teach me to work on myself, eh? Anyway, I am 8 years in AA and it is immensely helpful to have the steps to use in times like these. I don't know where I would be without the support and saneness that I get from my mates in the program. They help me laugh through this all. But as far as taking responsibility for my part in things, one thing the steps also have done for me is to see what is NOT my part. I can leave HIS part to him and not take it on. Just because I have this issue does NOT mean everything is my fault. Sadly, though, it does mean that as a N he can make it so. I once told him perhaps one day he will want to look at his part in things, too, to gain some perspective and balance. NOT!!! Anyway, I applaud you for looking at your drinking. I just wanted to say that I feel very supported and loved in the program. In case you hadn't considered attending, it is not only a powerful antidote to our problem, it can be a lot of fun and laughter, too.
Dec 7 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

itreallyisabouthim

Thank you, itreallyisabouthim, I have long been contemplating attending AA, as I have scoured the four corners of the earth trying to find a cure for alcoholism and my research always leads back to one thing: AA. And yes, it was blame factor #1 for my xN to throw in my face. It came down to me really taking a step back (this was a year ago) and believing that I definitely was the problem. However, when I made the decision to go to AA and really confront my problem head on guess who didn't want anything to do with assisting/supporting me in my recovery? Yep, the trusty-old N! I would go a whole week without drinking and he didn't even notice! That was a bomb of confusion! Why wouldn't someone who loves you want to support you in any way possible in order to resolve the one "problem" that was ruining your marriage? It suddenly became clear that my drinking wasn't the problem...it was a symptom of something else. I am so glad you posted this because I need to start attending meetings. There is no way I would have been able to while being with xN...that would have meant I may actually be taking care of ME - which infringed on N's plans/needs. It's much easier to separate the two problems I am dealing with by excuting NC. Day #8...if I can stick to NC with my xN, then I can do anything! thnk you.