For those of you who are married, but were having an affair with a Narc...

73 posts / 0 new
Last post
Feb 27 - 12AM (Reply to #33)
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

Winter, thank you so much for

Winter, thank you so much for this. You have made me feel more hopeful! Do you have any advice for me on how I can best do this? I have been focused on this other man and our relationship for the past year. I am only 2 weeks out of it, and quite honestly each day is getting harder. I seem to be missing him and obsessing about him more and more each day. How do I deal with these feelings, and work on my marriage at the same time? I am sure there is no magic answer, but I'd appreciate any advice you may have.
Feb 27 - 3AM (Reply to #34)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

I know this question

I know this question was directed to Winter but wanted to discuss.. I think the main realisation is understanding that the affair can never be the same as a marriage and its unfair to compare the two. Leave 'N condition' out for a minute and just consider an affair.. The affair guy has all the perks, will ALWAYS come out on top because its a fantasy.. You arent going to the bathroom after he has 'smelled' You arent washing his dirty undies He probably saw you looking 'drop dead' every time he saw you No grey knickers for him How can the two compare? You are always the red hot chick for the affair guy, ready to jump into bed, fulfill his fantasies, be ever interested hanging onto every word.. Does that hapen after years of marriage...yes it can BUT it takes WORK. You loved him in the beginning enough to marry him, what changed? You have to be honest with yourself about what qualities the N had that your hub did not show.. I decided not to tell my hub but we have had conversations about making the marriage better..and my hub is a bugger to get to talk ! You fell for a fantasy, it doesnt exist AT ALL. For me thats the crux..Get into your head you havent lost a prize, he never was one and he never will be for anybody... If you wait 18 months it could be too late..also timescale wise the marriage wont instantly become better..you have to treat someone how you want to be treated yourself. I cheated on my hub, I live with that but I try to make it better by being better. You may decide the marriage just isnt working but you wont know until you try... I am not an advocate of made your bed..you have one life. But the worst decision you could ever make would be to end a marriage because you are comparing the everyday reality of marriage to the fantasy N. Marriage with kids is hard work, it aint Hollywood, quite frankly its boring sometimes..but I bet my hub if he was honest would say god wife you are boring sometimes too. I would like you to make the effort, you have some nice knickers, why do I get the pack of five :) Its true, quite often I made no effort, didnt want to have sex, get close..but you know something, when I started to make an effort it changed my life. That BJ in the morning put a smile on his face ALL DAY..men are quite often simple souls..and I mean that nicely, its not rocket science in my opinion but it does take work. It wasnt all one way, he does things for me too. Why was it easy to do things with the N yet not the hub ? Let me know what you think...
Feb 27 - 9AM (Reply to #43)
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

Snowflake, thanks for opening

Snowflake, thanks for opening this discussion - I would love to talk about this! I know full well that I can never compare an affair to a marriage. Quite honestly, this affair was affected by turmoil from the start, and that is something that I certainly would not want in my life on a permanent basis. People always talk about the excitement of an affair, the newness, etc... That was always something that I hated! Honestly, for me, what I got from the affair was what I thought was a true connection with someone. I thought I had someone who knew me inside and out, someone I connected with on every level, someone who loved me and admired me, someone who truly wanted to be with me. I have never gotten that from my husband. Never. My husband is very closed off emotionally, but my N was all emotion all the time. Even if he was raging at me, at least I was getting something from him. I realize too that a marriage is hard work. I also realize, that in my case, the work is all on me. I have tried to enlist my husband's help, but to no avail. I have asked him to go to counseling. He refuses. He suggested we just get a book. Okay, as lame as that sounded, I asked him to pick one out. He never did, so I got one, and he was offended by the title, something about saving your marriage, so we never got anywhere with him. I signed us up for Retrouvaille, which is a marriage retreat weekend for struggling marriages. He wouldn't do the follow up work. I did everything, all the exercises, everything to try to engage him, I made a huge effort, and he did nothing. At one point I told him that the one basic need I had from him, was that I needed to feel loved by and important to him. He said he could not give that to me. OK. I'll add here a brief history of our relationship and how I think we've managed for this long. I met him when I was 23. I was very insecure at that time (to say the least) and I was convinced that no one would ever love me. I met him in a bar, and went out on one date with him. I thought he was too nice, and canceled our second. I felt bad though when he got upset about that, so I un canceled. At that point though I was suffering from severe depression and actually admitted myself to the hospital. They kept me there for 2 weeks. So I had to hold him off while I was there, I obviously did not want him to know why I was in the hospital. I did end up telling him though, and he came to visit me, and still wanted to go out with me. This was amazing to me. I remember my therapist advising against the relationship, but I went ahead with it anyway. This man seemed like my savior! We got engaged after a year (I pushed him) and married a year after that. I remember thinking at my wedding that it was odd that I wasn't feeling anything. I shed no tears of happiness. I am a very emotional person, and I felt nothing. So we went through the next 18 years in a passionless friendship. I was able to cope with this by our constant moving. Sounds strange, but we were addicted to moving. It was a joke - how many entries we had in people's address books. Even with in a city, we would move every year. We lived in NYC for a while, then Los Angeles. Now we are in the suburbs, and we are stuck here because we bought our house at the peak of the market and it's worth half of what we paid for it. We have been here for 4 years - the longest we lived anywhere. Plus, it's the suburbs. I never wanted to live in the suburbs! Add to all of this the fact that I don't really have a career. I was pursuing an acting career, but gave that up when my daughter was born. When she started school, I started a job with a company that was just starting up. I was very proud of my job, and this company. I promoted several times right away and worked directly with the owners and helped the company grow quite rapidly. Then, One of the owners got engaged to an employee that I hired. He gave her way too much responsibility, and she was really only suited for the job I hired her for. I was working long distance with her on something, but could not get her to do everything that was needed. So they fired me. I was devastated, and felt completely lost. Enter Narc. Ok, that's my story. Sorry so long, but it felt great to get it out. If you've read this far, and have any feedback, I'd appreciate it! By the way, I am in therapy. 2x a week.
Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #44)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Needshelp

Our stories are so much the same. I could have written this. Honestly, for me, what I got from the affair was what I thought was a true connection with someone. I thought I had someone who knew me inside and out, someone I connected with on every level, someone who loved me and admired me, someone who truly wanted to be with me. That was the kicker for me...someone a truly connected with who knew me inside and out. And now that he is gone, that is the hardest part. I feel very lonely and feel like no one knows me anymore. I was very close to my dad and uncle - they both died suddenly from cancer within the same year that Narc D&D me. So I truly lost the three closest people in my life within one year. So that is what is hardest for me. I feel like I have no connection with anyone anymore. The hurt from losing all three in one year was totally unexpected and there was no one else in my life that I had that connection with. That is what I miss most!
Feb 27 - 9AM (Reply to #35)
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

very true

I read a book "The Other Woman" and one of the excerpts stated that there is a level of respect that the OW should have for the wife - that it's not fair to her to always be fun and drop dead gorgeous when her husband is with you because she simply cannot compete with that - based upon the level of familiarity they have together and the fact that she washes his shorts, or that he has often used the bathroom after her or held her hair back while she drunkenly barfed up the evenings' margaritas. It was an interesting concept and reminded me to have compassion for the wife as I would want the same if I were in her position. Just wanted to share - also, just like Snowflake posted - marriage is not conducive to excitement, passion or romance. I have many girlfriends who left secure, stable marriages to seek a "romantic, passionate and sexual" marriage, only to find that it's not the spouse! Anyone may seem more exciting than the person sitting on the couch with you night after night and that person will become just as familiar/complacent/boring - whatever word you would apply, after being with you day in and day out over time. Just as we would become the same to them.
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #42)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

This has really been

very therapeutic for me to read; just knowing the work that marriage takes and to know I am certainly not alone when I look at what is missing in my marriage. This happens to so many couples - there is a love there but no passion and not one ounce of excitement, ha ha I dont even look forward to seeing him when he gets home from work I think UGH, he's home, now I have to cook and it shouldnt be this way. We never talk and when I ask him he tells me, whats there to talk about nothing new in my life - I am tired from my 10 hour day and I just want to eat and rest - which I understand. Interesting that you commented on how a woman you knew left her marriage to seek passion and the grass isnt always greener on the other side. This is the VERY REASON why these narco-paths cheat and are unfaithful because they bore so easily (well that compiled with their other perversions and disorders) but dont think for one minute that whoever they are with is boring and routine to them; but rather than connecting and bonding (which they lack) they just gratify their needs with other relationships. We can take a lesson in this and see just how long the passion and excitement lasts with them- its fleeting and it dies very fast. So maybe this passion that we have lost in our marriage is NOT the most important thing to strive for. Oh sure, I miss it as I am sure my husband does also, it works both ways, but my husband doesnt go around cheating with numerous relationships to get it. There was a time I really envied what his GF had, wow I thought he is so good looking, exciting, passionate, sexy, romantic - my counselor laughed and said "and you think he is like this to her on a daily basis? THINK AGAIN, it could not be more further from the truth - what he gives to you on the side is NOT what he gives to her - she craves what he gives to you and she gets very little of it. She gets the same thing I get in my marriage but WORSE!!! What he does behind her back is about as bad as it gets and nobody would be worth that. What good would all his charm, looks, passion, excitement be if he was giving it to others most of the time and ignoring and neglecting your needs. If I were his wife he would be doing the same thing to me and tossing me crumbs to keep me around. Perhaps we really need to examine just how over rated this passion and excitement is that we are missing - maybe there is a happy middle somewhere in achieving this - hey I will be glad to change your adult diapers once and awhile if you can remind me once and awhile of the compassionate sexy woman I am -
Feb 27 - 9AM (Reply to #36)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Laughs Last

Thats so true..exciting man I bet most times becomes homer simpson when married :) From what you post here you have tried a lot of pro active things to keep your marriage alive and they havent worked..do you have kids? What do you like about hub, what are his strong points? Maybe if you never felt that 'in love' feeling with hub.... What would make it ok for you ? Did anything come of the retreat, did he express anything ?
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #37)
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

Not sure if your questions

Not sure if your questions here are addressed to me, or to Laughs Last, but I will answer anyway! Yes, that's the thing. I have never felt that "in love" feeling with my husband, so it's not matter of getting it back, it's a matter of finding it to begin with. Is that even possible, after all this time? I don't know. I have to try though. We have a daughter, and I have to try. What would make it ok for me? I don't know! I guess I'll know it when I feel it. The retreat was very difficult, because he was so resistant. He lives in his own little world of denial, and he doesn't want to discuss past hurts. He just wants to move forward. The problem is, in moving forward, there is still no emotional openness on his part. The most memorable moment for me at the retreat was when he started crying and saying that he never knew there was a problem in our marriage. He always thought it was good. He said that I was the best thing that happend to him. I was very touched by this, and thought that we could get somewhere. But then he expressed that it wasn't me per se that was the best thing in his life. It was simply the fact that he had a wife that was the best thing. I was crushed.
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #38)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Yes needshelp it was to you

Oooooh I dont know because I had it once and lost it along the way..maybe thats easier if it was there once than trying to find something new. Maybe you need to give him a wake up call about how you feel, not saying mention N but there are obv lots of unresolved issues. Re the question of good looking on the other post, no N has a nicer body as he works out but facially not. But I dont think there is anything wrong with question, sure its a factor if fanciability has gone with hub x
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #39)
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

Oh believe me, I have given

Oh believe me, I have given him a wake up call. He even knows about my relationship with the N, but only on an emotional level. He thought it ended much longer ago than it actually did, too. He didn't seem to care much, really...
Feb 27 - 1PM (Reply to #40)
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

it is tough when they don't even try

I married my husband very quickly - he pretty much bulldozed me- I never was "in love" with him - like needshelp, I didn't want the volatility or drama of passion contaminating my home & marriage - I thought loving him as a person would be enough. Hubby was desperately alone and needed someone and he clung to me like I was the only life raft to float by in the ocean. So I married someone I barely knew in Vegas and spent the following year watching "America's Most Wanted" to make sure I didn't just hook up with an axe murderer, or anything like that (lol). Initially, we had sex but he's extremely low on testosterone, probably due to the alcoholism, and that ended years ago. When it was happening, it was never that he reached for me out of passion or desire, it was like doing the laundry-a household chore. Before he started drinking (because he can't or won't once he's gotten a buzz), he'd say "want to have sex?" and we'd "connect" on the physical level for a few minutes and he'd head for the bar. I have spoken to him about my needs but he refuses to do anything. Last year, the night before my 50th birthday, I went to him naked and said "last shot at a woman in her 40's" and he laughed and said "no". Oh well. On Christmas morning when I woke, I thought "maybe I'll get him some viagra" but then thought "that's his job". I'm not begging anymore. He wants to be just roommates so that's what it is. In my opinion, refusing to engage with ones' spouse to ensure their satisfaction or happiness in the marriage is as big an offense as a spouse looking outside the marriage to satisfy their basic needs for intimacy. That's just my opinion - I am already well-aware of those who would condemn me for my affair and my attitude about it.
Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #41)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

I agree, LL

I agree, LL
Feb 26 - 3PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

18

18 months schmethteen months! I'm with Hunter here, we can multi-task. :) There are no absolutes, everybody's recovery time is different. Don't worry so much about a date, or time limit. Just put one foot in front of the other. Worry about how to make progress today. Worry about assessing whether or not your marriage is salvageable, and go from there. One thing at a time. I know it's overwhelming, but it will subside, as you figure things out more and more. If my slow ass can pull through it, you can, too.
Feb 26 - 3PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Hello

Hello there, I can identify with what you're saying, in various aspects. Yes, there were pre-existing issues within my marriage before I met N. My husband and I both come from backgrounds of abuse, and that contributed to our problems. I felt he was terrible at communication, and clueless, emotionally. He felt I was disinterested in him, and unwilling to listen. So, we hit a roadblock. It's not that either one of us are bad people, or that we have a bad marriage. Normally, what one of us lacks, the other naturally makes up for. There was a good flow. We lost that connection, communication faltered, and we lived as roommates. That's when N entered the picture. What my husband lacked emotionally and in communication, N supplemented in spades. Yet, the situation was entirely unhealthy. I realize now, that I was reliving my relationship with my N mother through N. None of it felt balanced or okay. It felt familiar. That was the lure. My husband provided me with such stability and was so consistent, and supportive that I took it for granted. I had never had it before in my life. I felt it was a little boring, NOT to be upset and confused all the time. I was used to that in my family. How backwards is that? In addition, I was used to being alone, ignored, and given the silent treatment for months on end, from my N mother. So, I never recognized my husband's challenges with emotional communication. However bad things got with my husband, I would never define them as "bad," nor reason for divorce. They were issues that went undressed, and silent resentment set in. We both let that happen. We work everyday to ensure that distance never has the time, space, or chance, of occurring again. It's not easy to do the work, to look at yourself, but it's been necessary, and I'm glad it's bringing us closer. I didn't imagine that was possible, before N.
Feb 26 - 12PM
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

This is my personal opinion

So please take it as such.. I dont think you have to wait 18 months to sort things with hub, you can put effort into healing the marriage whilst also healing yourself from the narc.. Like I said only my opinion so would be interested to know if others agree who have posted on this thread? I feel I have neglected my hub, why should he have to wait another 18 months while I feel ok?
Feb 26 - 12PM (Reply to #27)
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

I agree. I say 18 months,

I agree. I say 18 months, because everyone says that it take that long to heal. Realistically though, I do see myself making an effort earlier than that. It's just that at this moment, only 2 weeks into NC, I am not able to focus on my marriage yet, and I am unable to see past my current state.
Feb 26 - 12PM (Reply to #28)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

SF advice is good advice..

SF advice is good advice.. Hey we are woman we can multi task.. Hunter
Feb 26 - 11AM
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

Thank you everyone for your

Thank you everyone for your responses. I just know for myself that I am in no place right now to even think about my marriage. My husband and I are getting along just fine right now. I am able to be more "present" with him now that I am not in contact with the Narc, but that is the best that I can muster right now. Like some of you here, I place no blame on my husband. He is a wonderful man who deserves more from me. I am ashamed of what I have done, and don't want to hurt him. I just have to figure out a way to feel fulfilled and happy with myself. That is no one's responsibility but my own. I am hoping that once I am able to figure that out, I will be able to figure my marriage out too, if that makes any sense...
Feb 26 - 12PM (Reply to #22)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

My post crossed with yours

And may seem like a 'dig' ..it wasnt meant to be, I was processing my thoughts thats all...you seem to disagree and thats fine but please dont take my thoughts personally ..I just have a different take on it thats all ...again lets open up a debate here because I would be interested to know peoples views on this subject ... x x x
Feb 26 - 12PM (Reply to #23)
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

I don't take it as a dig, and

I don't take it as a dig, and I actually agree with you! I was just saying that today, where I am at the moment, there is no work happening. I will work on changing that very soon. Sorry if I seemed offended, I truly wasn't!
Feb 26 - 12PM (Reply to #24)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

No you didnt

Your reply came after, I was just making sure you realised I wasnt replying to your message :). Ultimately it depends on whether you think the marriage is worth saving, I understand the guilt, I understand the draw of the N..I get all that. But I have talked privately to a few people on here who I shant name ..they didnt want to openly share but because I had been open about my situation talked to me privately. A lot lost marriages because they were so involved with N emotionally, the marraiage got left by the wayside..and you know what..they said if ONLY they could go back in time and realise what their marriage meant to them.. These werent perfect marriages, they were regular, sometimes a bit boring ..lets be honest here...but if they could go back they would in a second. x x
Feb 26 - 12PM (Reply to #25)
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

I appreciate your saying all

I appreciate your saying all of this. I need to hear it. I have to remember that "boring" is ok. It is preferable, actually. I have always prided myself as being someone who does not invite drama into her life, but that certainly has not been what I have living this past year. I certainly do not want to let my marriage fall apart. I will not be lazy in my attempt to preserve it. I just need to "snap ou of it" and give it the attention it deserves.
Feb 26 - 4AM
Pumpkin
Pumpkin's picture

Not judging

Not judging you ladies that have posted. One of you posted you would never leave your husband, you would hang around to change the adult diapers. If that isn't love then I wouldn't know what else to call it. Until someone has walked in your shoes they should not to judge. I assume that's God's job, not any humans.

Pumpkin

Feb 26 - 6AM (Reply to #17)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

I cant complain about my husband

This was all ME. I have been with hub since I was 17, I am now 39. The kids come along, you feel insecure about your body, I stopped trying. I pushed my hub away many times. Hes not the most talkative about personal things but I could have tried harder. Instead I turned to a married dating website and thats where I met the N. Funny I always considered myself to be moralistic, I turned to the site for fun, excitement, a lift of self esteem. This scrape with the N made me realise whats important..the stuff I took for granted in my marriage. Its been a hard lesson for me and I live with the guilt every day..I never told hub but I think he suspected. I am left with cans of worms..people I have meant to have been out with who I havent seen in years, the N threatening to tell my hub, the day to day guilt... And for what..the man I thought was the love of my life who took pleasure in using me and ripping me apart.
Feb 27 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

eek

On top of all you've been going through, dealing with the N threatening to tell your husband is a hideous "cherry on top". Few people seek to have an affair, it's usually a seduction process - but I definitely caution my gf's - if you do it with a single person, you're in much more danger of exposure. That threat is significantly less if the other party has as much to lose as you do. My gf had an affair with a single guy and she told me her heart almost stopped one night when she was home with her hubby and got a text from her bf "I'm outside" - married people usually don't do that to each other. Had the bf been married, he wouldn't want her coming to his & his wife's home - but he wanted her and sought to sabotage her marriage so he could free her to be with him. Scary stuff.
Feb 27 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Guess

I should be grateful he had a Gf because it probably saved my exposure and any threats to tell my husband and cause further pain to my family. Dangerous stuff is right x0
Feb 27 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

Mine has threatened to tell

Mine has threatened to tell my husband as well. He also threatened to physically hurt him. It still hangs over my head- I still have this nagging fear he could do it, even though the N and I ate no longer together. Well, especially since we are no longer together. At this point, what does he have to lose?
Feb 25 - 10PM
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

I too am married and had a

I too am married and had a fling with someone who I thought was our friend. There was nothing wrong with my marriage. For me it was a case of the Psycho taking advantage of a very vulnerable time in my life with a medical issue that has since improved. They are predators and can smell a woman who needs comforting a mile away. I am 2 and half years NC and still haunted by the negative behaviour and emotional and sexual abuse. It is getting better but I would recommend you work on the marriage right away as this will help bring positive changes into your life and give you something to focus on that isn't negative and draining...like all the horrible things the N might have said and did to you. Remember, he is doing it someone else now and you are free to live your life the way you want to.

narcissizednomore

Feb 25 - 9PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

To make a long story short....

What you Ladies wrote here,exactly the same happenned with me...i was married for 26 years when ithe N/P found me...the rest we all know...unfortunally.Hughs to you all.

Aceonelady

Feb 26 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
lisageeb2
lisageeb2's picture

Thank you

for making me realize that I'm not the only one. Hugs to you too.