Day 3 NC, hurts SOOO bad

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#1 Feb 1 - 3AM
Snowflake
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Day 3 NC, hurts SOOO bad

Today is day 3 NC and it feels like a milestone day because before I got to day 3 and broke the NC.

I want to read more about when your heart and mind fight each other but cant remember what its called, please can someone help?

I paid to take my hub away for the weekend without kids this weekend so I am really trying to shift my focus. My hub is lovely guys a really special guy, cuddles up to me when I smell, kisses me, tells me he loves me. I feel so guilty, I try to tell myself it was/is an addiction and that I have issues.

I have maintained proper NC...and to be honest I can imagine the abuse waiting on my phone if I dare switch it on so I am not going to. As far as N is concerned I do feel happy in myself that I explained (throughout the relationship) how much he hurt me so I no longer feel the need to contact him. And I know Goldie you said get rid of the phone but by keeping my phone but switched off it feels like I have the control. Please Goldie if you disagree I would like your input.

And its nice to be able to look at hub, at my kids without the guilt of an affair.

My problem now is trying to get over the addiction, when he pops into my head. The lies (I found him out) about his big house, his successful business, his slim wife make me realise he is just a regular guy nothing special. What hurt is that he knew I am spiritual and have no interest in 'how well off someone is'. If he had told me the truth it wouldnt have mattered to me. But the lies eat away at my very soul, if you can lie about those things without blinking you can lie about anything.

So for me on day 3 its about getting over the addiction.

In the UK you have to wait for doctor prescribed counselling, I had my assessment and am now waiting for a date. They told me two months which means mid Feb but I am going to chase it up with my doctor. I cant afford to go private at the moment with all the bills so thats not an option.

I feel withdrawal anxious feelings, for me its working through those x

Feb 1 - 5AM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

I think the term you're

I think the term you're looking for is 'cognitive dissonance.' It's when your rational mind understands perfectly well that someone or something isn't good for you, but your heart is still attached. Well, we use it in that sense here, anyway.
Feb 1 - 5AM
midnight7
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Dear Snowflake - keep strong

Dear Snowflake - keep strong and focused. This man is evil full stop as you yourself have acknowledged. Write a list of everything abusive he has ever done/said - read it often. It really does assist as you are remembering, writing, then re-reading - this continually reinforces the negative. My list included physically repelling aspects of him also (sex is generally a significant aspect of the addiction). Once I had thought him incredibly attractive - 1. because we actually come to love the N and 2. part of the brainwashing we have experienced. When I had my moment of clarity and saw him as he really was I didn't actually find him attractive any more. It sounds superficial but you are pulling out everything in your arsenal to succeed. Keep busy, keep reading - everything not just this forum but every video of Sam Vaknin, every N site till your mind fully perceives what your 'heart' is possibly not ready to yet - that you were in hell with a monster. The phone is still a connection to the N and a form of passive contact. You are not in control of the phone - the phone is in control of you - throw the sodding phone away. Contact, as you know, will make you feel terrible - that cannot be stressed enough. You will feel a complete failure and will feel deep shame - no hit of the drug of choice will make you feel any other way. You're moving forward even if you fall over forward - it's still movement forward. It doesn't matter what lies the N told you/they lie every waking minute of the day - you were both unavailable to have a relationship and Ns are incapable of love only capable of destroying anyone who dares to love them. You wrote that your husband intrigued you when you first met. There is no reason why this should have worn off. Though marriage may make you feel you know someone perhaps you haven't noticed who he is now? Do you know what he thinks/feels about anything? Do you know what his hopes and dreams are now or only the ones you knew 5/10/15 years ago? The trip away is wonderful - getting time away as adults (no children) is vital for a relationship to thrive - you need to be adults together - get to know each other again. No person should be our be all and end all. One of the problems is women are conditioned by society to be caring/putting everyone's needs before our own, to look for prince charming, blah, blah, blah. We make ourselves our firm foundation first, one that seeks no validation from an outside source, only then are we able to give real love to another. Working on our core issues - why we found ourselves vulnerable to abuse is also a necessary part of the process of recovery. Forget heart/mind - our heart is an organ - it doesn't 'feel' anything. Individuation is possibly what you refer to - the process (Jung) where our fractured parts are able to come together to make a whole individual. This is what therapy will facilitate. You will get there, succeed, survive, thrive, and find happiness again - it's a long process and you have to work each step - but with anything worth achieving - hard work is not optional and the end product absolutely worth fighting for. Day 3 NC - marvellous - keep going!
Feb 1 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Thank you

Its afternoon UK, I felt bad this morning but now I feel ok..trying to stop the boredom moments when I think of him. I have pulled him off his pedestal in my mind (hey that pedestals mine, laughing..much smarter, brighter, caring and better looking..gotta laugh havent you). Just trying to deal with that 'eeky bit' that wont see the reality of how special he is not x
Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
midnight7
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Hi Snowflake, how long were

Hi Snowflake, how long were you in the relationship with the N?
Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Not long actually

Only six months which is why I am struggling to understand why he has had such an effect... Its a huge thing for me as every man I have been with bar my hub and a couple who were nice to me when younger so I got bored and dumped them..well they have all been emotionally unavailable in some way. But this guy...the charisma, the time spent on me in the beginning etc. well its had a devestating effect..I havent got years and years to get over so why do I feel so damn shitty inside x
Feb 1 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
dunzo
dunzo's picture

snowflake

snowflake, have you made the list of the bad things he has done to you? that helped me tremendously especially those first few days of nc. i did not want to make the list because i didn't want to see the sum of three years in black and white and i didn't want to face how truly bad it was. but i made it anyway and would add to it as i remembered more and more things. i hate looking at my list but i do whenever i need a boost to remind me why i am never going back. the list makes me hate him.
Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
cdngemini
cdngemini's picture

lists

YES - lists are great!
Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Dunzo

No I havent yet and yes its a must do to stop those rosey glasses coming back... thats what worries me, that in a few days I will forget/back down/miss him enough to be tempted... need to get as many STOP signs in place as possible now while I am feeling reasonably strong..
Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
cdngemini
cdngemini's picture

Saturday

I saw "D" last Sunday - I actually said yes for him to come to dinner. We had a nice visit, yet it was all about him again. His new job. When he left at 9:00 he hugged me and said he loved me a lot and wanted to see me Saturday for a movie......I have not heard from him. My fear is he just needs time, space and then come back. I can't believe I'm actually going to the movie Saturday - at least that's how I feel today. I need strength - where can you buy it?
Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

cdngemini

Sadly you cant buy the strength and thats the huge struggle we all have here, you have to try and dig and find it within...its tough..so are you still with the guy then? You saw him Sunday its now Wed and nothing? Please say you have made alternative arrangements now? Dot wait for him, I dont believe in all this making you wait crap, anyone who truly likes you would have contacted you by now in my opinion even just to say hi and nothing heavy x
Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
cdngemini
cdngemini's picture

Dearest Snowflake

The problem is I love this guy like crazy and just up to a couple of weeks ago I was pregnant - both of us to not have children, we were both adopted and bad childhoods. We are both mid 40;s and I feel like this was my last chance at a "real" family. I dont know what to do - is this kind of personality a game player. Almost like teaching us a lesson of some sort. Is he the type of guy that will always want to come back because it's comfortable? Or if I say goodbye, he'll just walk away without a care in the world. I guess my question is - if you allow them to, will they always want to come back?
Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

I am new here so

I have to qualify my answer with saying I can only say what I learnt which is.. Yes they seem to keep coming back with their devastation, they worm back in, devalue you and then dump/discard as if you mean nothing. You have to decide whether thats an acceptable way to live your life...whats your story hon, have you posted it here..if not maybe you can give a bit more info on this thread. There are lots of really experienced members on here who will be able to answer a lot better than me x
Feb 1 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
cdngemini
cdngemini's picture

My story

Basically I came out of a 18-year marriage, after a year of healing I went on line and met D. We chatted and connected right away because we were both adopted and bad childhoods. He's broke, rents a 10x10 room in his friends home and lives paycheque to paycheque. He's controlling, it's all about 'perception'. Lives outside his means. 3 trips a year, doesn't like leftovers, in debt 48K. Has a good job but doesn't seem to know about money. it's always about him - his problems, his woos, he needs a massage, he needs this and that. When I ask for something he says he's tired. Sex was good for about 1 month and then he never seemed interested. Infact he never touched me (if you know what I mean) again all about him. At first I was taken back but I loved him. I always had to ask for a kiss, a hug or even hold his hand. He was generous with money though. Paid for everything when we went out, bought groceries as he stayed over at my house all the time. He moved in mid November - didn't have much except clothes, golf and hockey equipment, shoes and a mattress.....not kidding. He seemed off - distant, and always went into the bathroom with his iphone. I had his password and January 3 when he started his new job, while in the shower I checked his phone and there I saw he was online with girls - getting emails/ I lost it and threw him out via TEXT. the problem was, at the same time I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant - so we had a problem. He actually turned it around that I had issues and we were over. Then he said, I love you we need to take baby steps. Since Jan 3 - he has come over 8 times.
Feb 1 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

That's

That's no place for a baby, and that's no place good for you. Don't you think you deserve better treatment? Don't settle for this garbage.