Sexual sadism- wanting me to have sex with another guy in front of him

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#1 Nov 27 - 8AM
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

Sexual sadism- wanting me to have sex with another guy in front of him

Hello.

Although of course I have experienced absolutely everything that is described in these pages...and am literally two days into facing the truth after an explosive finality, I have to ask if others have experienced this...

In the beginning, sex was of course amazing with my ex...then one day he surprised me with a request...that I tell him all of the things, in detail, that I have done with other men, because it would "turn him on." He said that because he was so much less experienced than me, it was a turn on, and that thinking of me having sex with someone else was like really "great porn."

When I did give him what he wanted, he turned around and said he couldn't have sex with me because now he saw me differently and he wasn't attracted to me anymore.

Fast forward, of course we had sex again, back and forth between hot and heavy and him witholding (I was with him for 5 years). He then started a long campaign to get me to have sex with another man in front of him while he watched, even telling me the details of his fantasies...holding down my arms while I was being violated by another guy. He said it was perfectly natural to have fantasies. At some point he would bring this fantasy up many times throughout the day in the strangest of circumstances...if I said something like "I'm going to the store," he would say "yea, well why don't you bring back a big black guy with a large c**k too..." or variations on that theme.

Of course I said NO, over and over again. He told me that I was just a boring mom and he knew I didn't have it in me, and that he wished he knew me when I was "wild" years ago.

There is so much more to this story, but you get the gist. There is lots of porn in his background, writing to other women online, secret email accounts, secret dating site accounts...(a father who also targeted vulnerable women and liked to watch his wives have sex with other men, pictures included, which he found as a kid)...all of which I found in dribs and drabs over the years, which he would say was my fault because I wasn't giving him what he needed emotionally. This last episode, where I guess he figured he could no longer get his supply from me at all anymore, was when I found him writing to women on craigslist looking to meet up. This happened one day after we had sex and he asked to move in with me and I said no.

He blamed the latest thing I found out about on the fact that he "felt rejected, he was bored, and it was just a joke."

I am now discarded. And a shell of whom I used to be.

Nov 29 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Weeping

I read these posts earlier today. Took my breath away. Mine was a "cerebral" narcissist. Highly-educated & well-placed academic. He was really into mindf**k. Sex was never too great for me because it was all about him. But he gave me so much more in terms of a relationship & family & belonging & the sex was ok--& he said he was very satisfied. So we married. I left him after 2 1/2 years. While taking a shower this afternoon I was thinking about what I had read here, it hit me . . . my N was notching it up in the end. We had some AWFUL scenes at Christmas & New Year's that really made me want to leave. But marriage & property . . . things that bind. Yet I decided to leave in January. I was drifting away from him . . . he was losing his control. He asked me to do some sexual things . . . I told him I was uncomfortable . . . he made such a drama that I was his wife, that I should not make him feel like he wanted something shameful, I had to please him. I asked why suddenly he wanted to move in this sexual direction so suddenly. Then he started with, "Well I was never sexually or emotionally connected with you even before I married you. I believed that my love for you would transform you as Ex-Girlfriend's love transformed me." Well, I already had one foot out the door & was in no mood to conciliate him, work on the relationship or please him. And he sensed that he should not push the envelope on this sex issue then because he was in danger of losing his punching bag altogether. So he started on keeping his dog closer & tried to build a higher fence. But I escaped. Lucky me. I have been weeping here thinking what I could have further become involved with. I'm sure he was heading into a sexual frontier I had no desire to enter. I am beginning to realize that he's even worse than I imagined. And, ladies, form my posts you realize already that I suffer from post traumatic embitterment syndrome.
Nov 28 - 5PM
empty68
empty68's picture

Sadly I can relate....

My N is exactly the same!! I'm trying to end the relationship too...

```Live,Laugh,love```

Nov 27 - 8PM
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My Ex Is a Sexual Sadist and Just Nasty

First of all Grossot....I too have tears over what my Narcissistic Ex has done to me. We deserve to cry our tears and call these men what they are...EVIL BEINGS (not human necessarily, but BEINGS). Personally, I think my Ex needs to be in a locked sexual offender facility somewhere. I have anxiety attacks at the thought of him wandering around, preying on women and murdering their souls and minds. He murdered my mind and my soul to the point that I wanted to die. No "person" has a right to hurt someone like that and get away with it. But, these sadistic monsters DO get away with it...over and over. When we get out of their lives, we have done a brave and smart thing. Even though it hurts us. My Ex tried to corner me into web cam pictures (which I am sure he would have posted online somewhere), cell phone pictures, phone sex stories, IM sex stories...he even started wanting me to let him tell me what he wanted to do to me with "sex toys". I told him NO. We live apart, so I didn't get to physically see him. I wanted to visit him overseas and stay with him awhile to work on our relationship, but I became afraid he would rape me for sure. Plus, he didn't want me over there to stay with him. He told me he had a box of duct tape in his basement with my name on it and also thought the idea of chaining me up in his basement was funny. Holy Crap! He also tried to get me to accept him as my Master...he said he could manhandle me anytime. What a gentleman, huh? Do all of these men have an obsession with Porn and underwear? I have read so many experiences from women on here about their Narcissistic men wanting info on their underwear....mine always wanted to know the color of mine, was I wearing any? What cut were they, bikini? Once, while he was telling me he was interested in somebody else, he asked me how my private area was shaved and what color were the hairs???? NASTY NASTY NASTY I felt like I was fighting off a rabid, sex starved, possessed and evil beast every time he would change the conversation to sexual stuff. Now, I want men to stay as far away from me as possible. I just can't get the nasty stuff he said to me out of my head. Sometimes, I cry, because to me, any sexual relationship would have meant he loved me like I loved him. It would be a respectful relationship and private. I was very very very stupid. I just tried to ignore what he said when he was being nasty and sometimes just spaced out.....I just couldn't see that he was abusing me until it was too late. I so hoped I could love him enough to stop his behaviors. He is so emotionally void that he doesn't even understand what love means....I finally realize he only cares about himself.
Nov 28 - 2AM (Reply to #21)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sick

He murdered my mind and my soul to the point that I wanted to die. you know though I have heard and read when a person reaches such a low of their soul being killed, watch out, through all that darkness we can submerge as someone we never thought possible, we have known the horrible despair of us dying inside, we have known a loss not many go through or at least not the norm, and that is because we lost not only what we thought was love and a dream but we lost ourselves I didnt know who the HELL I was, just a body walking around going through the motions of my life, like I was in a cult, and we were in a way. I mean this man urinated on me for Gods sake, begged me to let him, I told him yuck what the hell do you get out of that, gross. So ya you could say I was a tad lost. Going thru recovery too, there are times I wanted to die, still are, dont think I have the strength some days I know the worst is over but what lies ahead is also scary, the damage was pretty bad, I was sexually abused, and I was so brainwashed I didnt even know it, because he almost had me believing this was all ok and normal. NO NO NO nobody is stupid, you were NEVER NEVER STUPID my dear Justice seeker, dont ever ever say that, you simply fell in love with a very very very bad disturbed person who was no better than a rapist. Ya mine always wanted me to shave, or let it go long, or wanted my arm pit hairs really long, good God the sick fetishes, mine would say do you like pain? a slap me hard on the ass, but trust me that was the tip of the iceberg according to my counselor. You are the best because you have the strength and wisdom to extract yourself from such scum your going to be ok.
Nov 27 - 10PM (Reply to #18)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Objects - That's all we were

we truly are OBJECTS to these guys. just PARTS WARMING PLUMBING a blow-up doll with a pulse Psycho-Boy too wanted details on the color of my underwear, the color of my pubic hair, my nipples... I was like WTF?!!! If I wanted to talk about my kids or his, his wife... he shut me down. He stopped talking to me when I asked what kind of car he drove!! But if I mentioned anything physically private he was all over it. Mr. I'm an Ethical Family Guy... rrrriiiiggghhhhttttt I read a great piece on how these guys kill our "heads" but want to use & abuse our bodies here: http://www.youareatarget.com/nikita.html Also, I read this site all the time because Psycho-Boy is on there... and this freak would tell his women he needed private pics so he could remember them on his "secret missions" and then he sold the pics to porn sites! (some housewives somewhere are porn stars and don't even know, probably!) http://cyberpathlinks.blogspot.com/2005/05/nathan-ernest-burl-thomas-jr.html Just disgusting. ALL of it I used to think it was all normal. Now that I am out of the grip of a psychopath almost 5 years... I see that clearly. We all deserve better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Nov 28 - 12AM (Reply to #19)
Monica
Monica's picture

I thought it was all normal, too, Barbara

What is with that?? Why, when it is happening, do we not see it for what it really is? Objectifiying, demeaning, abusing, etc. It was only when I started to feel really used by him that I could see that all that other stuff was very ABnormal. And sick and disordered. I am not a prude by any means. And I can get a little wild at times. But there is a PLACE for this stuff within a healthy relationship. It cannot/should not be the entire basis of a relationship. Outside of this part of a relationship there must be respect, genuine friendship, compassion, caring and "normal" conversation and affection, if not love (depending on why you are in the relationship in the first place). All of these other things were absent in my situation with my xN. It was when I saw that clearly - and realized I was merely being used - that I could see how disordered all the other stuff was. He treated me like a call girl on retainer, plain and simple. Even when there were times (and there were PLENTY of times) when a normal person would have given me thanks and shown appreciation for something I had done for them (non-sexual), I got nothing from xN. You are so right...we deserve better. They are the scum of the earth.
Nov 28 - 1AM (Reply to #20)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

normal

for children of pathologicals - its part of nurture. we have no clue its abnormal for abused women - we become hypnotized, brainwashed and even USED to the abuse. And if we do see something wrong SOCIETY tells us "you MUST have a man... so look the other way." It's all sick. Psycho-boy got me at a time when I was physically very ill, climbing out of Post Partum Depression and had endured years of abuse from boyfriends and my exNH. I was pre-tenderized meat and he knew it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Nov 27 - 7PM
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

you know what the sad thing is...

I read half of the stuff that is on here and think it's normal :( A good proportion of the people I've been out with have been warped. I remember one guy I was in the process of splitting with I woke up to find him having sex with me (I didn't want to the night before). I told a friend about it and she brought it up at a later date, kind of laughing (not in a nasty way, as in "I can't believe that kind of way). I sort of said "yeah" then went back into denial about how bad it had been but had to shake my head to clear it. Do normal guys do this? I think I spend too much time around nut-jobs. Someone else who is a "friend" I'm trying to get rid of in my life tells me (when I hear the way he talks about women), that all guys are like him, they just pretend not to be. I'm not knocking guys, as I know there are men on here (James, where are you?), I'd just like some re-assurance I've just put up with/chosen the wrong ones (my brothers generally aren't like this, just worried I'm deluded).
Nov 27 - 5PM
grossot
grossot's picture

yes

Wanted so badly to watch me with another man. I used to have to tell him stories during sex of what I wanted from another man?! Insecure?! I also had to put a pillow over his face when he during his ejaculation! Thought this was all normal bc I didn't know any different. I'm very glad to finally begin learning what abnormal is. Also very glad to know others are as perplexed about this situation in your own lives as I am. Its not our fault! I am sorry I went along with his fantasies. 1 week after I found him out he asked me to go to a club with him and pick out a man for us. I was so sick I went along with it. I thought it would save my marriage. Thank God it did not end up happening. :( *tears* Memories are hard. http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled
Nov 27 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

YES! He wanted me to tell

YES! He wanted me to tell him, during sex, what I wanted from a man who was HUUUUUGE. Thank god you didn't go through with it.
Nov 27 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sick I know

mine would do the same, tell me what you want, and wouldnt you love to be with two men at the same time, both of us in ya at the same time, bla bla bla, it was sick, ya Mr Dream Man turned into nothing but a piece of sick shit Were you married, or were you his gf or what?
Nov 27 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

Hi Cynthia- I was his

Hi Cynthia- I was his girlfriend, and thank god we have nothing to tie us together...you??
Nov 28 - 1AM (Reply to #15)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

not quite

i was the Other woman so to speak, he had a gf who he claimed he didnt care much for, and i was the one he had been looking for, ha ha ha lured me in built my trust, this man was a gentle as my father until the ol mask came off and I was deeply in love with him, he destroyed me
Nov 27 - 5PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

?????

his name didnt begin with a G did it? Sounds like mine
Nov 27 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

No, a B...a name you

No, a B...a name you mentioned in your post gave me the chills...but he was never into other women in that way...he always wanted to watch me with guys, like those fuck my hotwife porn sites...cuckholding...he always said his penis was so small that he wanted to see me take on a "really big one..." WTF??? He wanted to see me get fucked so he could then step in and fuck me too....UM...no thanks. His thing with women was watching them on porn, webcams, even starting this imaginary relationship with this poor chick across the country who had no idea what was happening...they would send emails to each other, little presents, texts and phone calls...apparently because I was "not paying enough attention to him..." When I confronted him about that he summarily blew her off, of course, leaving her with no idea of anything. His latest trick was to answer Craigslist ads and when I caught him he became as rabid as a cornered hyena. I am so freaking tired of being Sherlock Holmes to find out what the next lie or betrayal is...and I am sure I only skimmed the surface. But, men or women...it's all the same...objectifying us and pushing out limits for shits and giggles.
Nov 27 - 5PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I have to ask if others have experienced this...

This was the core of my hurt and deception with my psychpath. He promised me the world, said I was the one, wanted a life together, was the man of my dreams, after six months WAMO, wanted the same thing, to watch other men screw me, and wanted me to be with other women and him at the same time, actually gave me money to go out and bring home victims for us, NEVER DID IT, He wanted nothing more from me but to be his pimp girl to feed his sick sexual needs, imagine that I loved this man with all my heart and in the end he wanted to watch Bob and Mike Fuck me then when I didnt, I was discarded more or less. Its was the worst betrayal I have ever felt the healing is a slow process but day by day I am sorry you had to experience this same sickness, you were brainwashed by a very disturbed sick person
Nov 27 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

Cynthia, you were very brave

Cynthia, you were very brave to stand up to him, you know...
Nov 27 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

question

were you married to him, or lived with him? Just wondered? Brave, I guess being brave was accepting the ugly truth,
Nov 27 - 9AM
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

and I meant to add...

good for you for not moving in with him. It's early days as it's only been 2 days for you, I'm 4 mths down the line and it's getting better. I'm somewhat lucky that I was "only" with the last one for a year. He lived with me for 3 weeks as I didn't have the courage to say "no". Another was I was with for a couple of years... and other pathologicals for around 5 years (well, not sure about those two but they were bullies). I have a habit of doing it. Not good. I don't think I know what normal is anymore, they do leave you feeling dire. But once you get through the first pain things go up (then sometimes down but then up again, re-building the life time).
Nov 27 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

Thank you...I wish the best

Thank you...I wish the best to you...
Nov 27 - 9AM
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

yup....

I'm bi-sexual and made the mistake of telling this nut-job Narc/BPD/whatever years ago about it. He would not shut up. He went on, and on, and on. One time, I was sat in a bar, trying not to cry as he kept saying there was a woman he worked with that he was sure would be interested. When I said "no, it's just a fantasy and it's staying that way" he started shouting. This was after telling me how in another relationship he'd had a threesome that had caused problems as the other woman had then kept trying it on with him and lived downstairs (I've a feeling that part may have been in his dreams). He'd also tell me about women who'd chatted him up, and how they'd be "just my type". He also liked to tell me things like this to generally hurt me, and one time passed me over the business card one had supposedly given him. With the last psycho, he was actually pretty tender in bed, and fairly tame, but he had ED issues. He also spoilt our sex lives by the way he acted...I think unless he was in total control he had problems keeping it up. By control it was usually when he'd screamed at me/treated me really badly and we were trying to make it up. He also blamed his ED issues on me, as I was "too wet" and would discuss our sex problems (well, his) with other people including his ex-gfs mother. He did have this one fantasy where he talked about me making love to one of his friends, this was recurring. And he looked as if all his Christmases had come at once whenever he mentioned it. But there is no way he'd have acted on it, he was way too jealous. Strange man generally. And the more I'm writing I realise I should discount the tender bits, he masturbated several times a day (funny how it stayed up for self-love), watched porn, even showing porn to his ex-gfs mother as he wanted to show her that the picture on the wall in the vid was the same as his! She was horrified, despite being secretly in love with him. I am sorry to hear you've gone through what you did, they are all scum-sucking vampires.
Nov 27 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes - sexual sadism

yeah I made the mistake of telling Psycho-Boy a couple things I did in my 20s (when I was drunk) and he'd go on & on just wanting to "step it up a notch"! Just because you're bisexual and just because I did those things once don't mean we're as PERVY as they are! SG - you will find this interesting: http://www.chameleongroup.org.uk/npd/sex.html some other threads for you: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2008/05/28/are-narcissists-warped-sexually http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/16/sex-narcissists-and-it-just-sex We have stories of women whose Narc or Sociopath stuck things inside them and even a ChickenFucker. Sexual Sadism is BIG part of a SEXUAL NARCISSIST's repetoire. They are sick sick sick... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Nov 27 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

All the Christmases at

All the Christmases at once...yes...that is the perfect description. I am very sorry to hear what you went through as well. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.