HELP!I am obssessing and stalking him

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Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #22)
cristina
cristina's picture

But I was queen for 3 years

But I was queen for 3 years for gods sake.I thought they cant pretend for that long.He was like a puppy always trying to please every wish I had,he was always so afraid i might leave and he will be alone again,i was his soulmate,he asked me to amrry him,he said he cant live without me,he would die without me.
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #23)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You were living a blind

You were living a blind eye.. Sparrow will be around in a minute..She had a 15 year marriage.. one morning he woke up and said Im leaving for OW.. The more you learn the more you will realize reality..Stop obsessing about him and get to reading..U must get into therapy.. I don't want to hear you cant afford it.. Contact your local woman's shelter for guidance . Hunter
Jan 29 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
midnight7
midnight7's picture

He said he loved you (which

He said he loved you (which he isn't capable of), sent a bribe (to look like a good man - which he isn't), and then was unfaithful going off to be with the OW? He treated you badly in every way. This is part of the brainwashing effect of being close quarters with Ns - they act like monsters and we rationalise it as not seeming as bad as we thought. He bribed, discarded, and cheated - This is APPALLING behaviour. He may not have called you names but he treated you with utter contempt. NC = sanity/peace.
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
cristina
cristina's picture

He treated me with

He treated me with contempt?WOW I never thought about it like this.Thank you for making me realize this.And about the money,he sent about 12.000$ in 3 years,is that still bribe?He always said dont work too much,have more time for the kids so he would pay rent and whatever i needed.If he knew he is just using me and leave 1 day,WHY ON EARTH SEND ALL THAT MONEY?He has zero money now because he sent me all his savings.See,this makes me look liek the bad guy here,like i used him.
Jan 29 - 2PM (Reply to #20)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Cristina

Read the path forward again, again, again We all in our sad moments wish the N was different, I am trying to hit you with a different paddle than poor you is all... I am saying you need to pick yourself up and see him for the wanker he is...stop snooping..it will only make you feel worse.....every time you snooped did it make you feel better..answer NO. Trust me he aint gonna break down on face book...you are spending too much time on him now and not enough on yourself. You need to be asking yourself Why do I feel I need to know about this man What further proof do I need to see that he is a class A wanker Sorry hon but you need to tough talk yourself or you are in danger of wallowing x
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
midnight7
midnight7's picture

Hi cristina, he may certainly

Hi cristina, he may certainly use the fact that he regularly gave you money to discredit you - ie to look as if he is a good man to other people (ego) whilst he does a character assassination of you to everyone. They present a false persona to the outside world whilst treating their supply (us) appallingly. If he offered marriage this is generally to secure long term secondary supply which gives the appearance of being a nice, family man whilst using it as a cover to pursue OW.
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
cristina
cristina's picture

So losing 12.000$ just to

So losing 12.000$ just to appear the good guy later(ego)was more important to him than being broke now????????Thats crazy!!!He now depends on this OW because he has zero money,job or anything else.
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ding,Ding,Ding again

Ding,Ding,Ding again
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
cristina
cristina's picture

Hunter,thats crazy!!!And not

Hunter,thats crazy!!!And not clever or practical at all!I just dont get it!He is broke now because he sent me all his savings.Doesnt that hurt his ego????He is a broke loser now,how many storier does he need to make up now to not feel the grandiosity gap?
Jan 29 - 11AM (Reply to #17)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Everything they do is motive

Everything they do is motive driven.you no longer serve a purpose .. His ego is being stroked with new supply/ OW.. You said he's a loser.. Why cry over this loser?? Hunter
Jan 29 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
cristina
cristina's picture

Hunter,I love how you tell it

Hunter,I love how you tell it straight to the point.So I no longer serve his purpose?And what purpose was that?Is their only motive Ns?And if his ego was being stroken with his new OW,then why sneak behind her back to write me?1 night he even tried to call me on skype while she was sleeping in the other room.Did he want to see how far he can take it without getting caught or what was the deal?
Jan 29 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Why.. Because he's CRAZY..

Why.. Because he's CRAZY.. He's a narc., it's true insanity.. Read up on triangulation.. They play one against the other for their entrainment.. It's the game of a psychopath .. You are processing and that's good .. But you are trying to process this info as if you are dealing with normal.. HE IS DISORDERED.. CRAZY.. It's all "scrambled eggs "for their own entertainment.. Take your toys,go home and stay there.. He should not be allowed to play in your sandbox any more. Hunter
Jan 29 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
cristina
cristina's picture

Now I remember a few days

Now I remember a few days before finding out the truth,I ignored his 3 emails just to give him a taste of his own medicine,I didnt know he was a N back then.And when he saw I didnt reply,in his last email he told me he gave me everything and I only used him,that he is betrayed not me.LoL the nerve he had,all projection.
Jan 29 - 9AM
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

See your last comment.. " I

See your last comment.. " I am in so much pain ". When a normal relationships ends, it hurts yes, but we at least get closure and aren't left with questions so there is nothing to obsess about. When the N relationships ends we hurt like hell we've never known before, our self esteem is shot, and our unanswered questions cause obsession. There is no closure and we are left with all kinds of "Why's" so we becomes obsessed with trying to figure it out. So, if you hurt a lot, are left with destroyed self esteem, have many unanswered questions, and didn't get closure, if you feel obsessed then hes likely and N. If he is in an instantly new idealized perfect soul mate type relationship then yes hes just onto his next victim...hes an N.
Jan 29 - 9AM
Jar of hearts
Jar of hearts's picture

You are not alone

Hi So sorry you are in pain today xx I don't know your story but I do totally know where you are coming from and if I can share some if my findings and help you in anyway I will! No one is going to think bad of you, we are all riding or have ridden the Narc Train and we arent here to judge you.... I did this myself not hacked as the OW was " kind " enough to leave hers open to cause me as much pain or to try prove herself or whatever her reasons were ( she made it private when I started NC first time) ... Anyway I digress... Sorry... What I learnt that any couple that feel the need to prove their relationship on places like FB are fantasising what they would like it to be and maybe far from reality! From his point of view he will be actively encouraging and recipitating the false relationship! It's pure Projection and that is all.. No she is not better than you she will get D&D just like you did!! You are out of it now please try be kind to yourself and stop looking Xxxx
Jan 29 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
cristina
cristina's picture

I have difficulties in

I have difficulties in knowing if he really is a N because we had a long distance relationship for almost 3 years and when he was supposed to come home to me,he went to live with her instead.Its hard for me to understand because he was never mean or violent,Ive read some bad stories here and he was never like that,on the contrary,he was so kind,tender,helpful.What made me think of narcissism was the lies and making up stories,the 1 time cheating(that I know of),the hot and cold,the detaching or maybe it was silent treatment(so confused on that 1)and finally the way he was capable of just taking off,moving with her after only 1 month of being together,cold blooded like that while other times i was his soulmate,he would die without me etc etc.AND I WANT HIM TO FUCKING PAY!!!HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT!!!
Jan 29 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Isis
Isis's picture

You described a Narc

Cristina, you described a Narc, probably with psychopatic tendencies. All's a facade. They also have compulsive behaviour, you might never understand, thus why one day you're Queen and the day next your Trash. He was cheating on you probably since day 1 and you just never found out. Run and don't look back.
Jan 30 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
cristina
cristina's picture

You may be right.When I

You may be right.When I contacted her family,her brother told me he realized he was fake and the type of guy who has girls stashed throughout the country.And I was SHOCKED,trying to imagine how he behave to give that impression because when he was with me,he not so much as looked at another woman on the street,he was kind of shy and I was so happy he isnt like all the other guys.But a stranger telling me that,it actually helped me because he was seeing the N in an objective way,also he wasnt the only 1 realizing he was fake so I keep telling myself that so many people cant be wrong!!!So I guess he isnt even a good fake lol if people realized he was faking. And what do you mean they have compulsive behaviour?Give me an example,maybe he did that also and I just didnt know what it was.
Jan 30 - 5AM (Reply to #6)
Isis
Isis's picture

Seeking consistently for supply

Cristina, I'm going to try to explain to the best of my abilities, because I'm not a native English speaker, that thing about the compulsive behaviour. In general, Narcs are convinced they have the right to be with everyone they want, as long as that someone sends him signs he can use for supply. They convinced themselves they are entitled to everything, because it's their bodies, their minds and if they want to "love" more than one person, nobody involved doesn't have the right to complain, because he gives love to everyone he feels they love him. In their distorted visions, he gives love to you, you should be thankfull. At the same time he gives love to other women and they also should be thankfull, because he gave them love. They can have the nicest acts in the world to get your attention, love and affection, ie: helping you financially, helping you when you're down, etc. However, it doesn't mean the day next he is not following another woman they have in their contact list. If he gets convinced he wants some woman, he will pursue that woman: it's a compulsive act. However, as a Narc needs to "taste all the meals on a restaurant's menu", this woman may be not enough and he also wants to have another meal: compulsively will try the other woman to get her as well. He'll do everything to get that woman. Nothing stops a Narc because the acts are compulsive - at least, it was my experience. He can be with you happily and you're having the best of times with him, but in your back he may be texting another "sweetie". I caught my Narc so many times doing it, I lost count. During holidays his cell was always off, but each time I had to go to the bathroom he'd pick it and would start texting at light speed. When I was coming out of the bathroom, he'd put his cell down, while smiling saying "got a text from my sister and was answering her" (yeah right, it was always his sister!). The moment I realized I had to end the relationship with him, he told me it would be better for us to end it, but staying friends. He said he was not ready for relationships because he had a bad marriage during 22 years (he said that after being caught sleeping with his ex girlfriend - he broke up with her, but used manipulation to sleep with her anytime he wanted. The idiot is still too blind to see the truth). He then tried to get me back in his life, but with the intent of sleeping with me anytime he wanted - the same he was doing with his ex. When I made it loud and clear, I was not going to sleep with him, because I do not sleep with a man just for his own pleasure, he went immediatly to his contact list and started to romance a woman in the Dominican Republic. This is a compulsive act, because as you may imagine he can't love a woman he never saw personally. However, they are both going to stay in a resort for a week of sex and passion. Another compulsive act, was to keep an OW who lives near him. He never loved her, though that woman was always blind to the truth. She knew he was having a relationship with me, but due to his compulsive acts of getting her, she convinced herself, she was the one he would end up with. Guess what? I dumped him, he dumped her and he's now up to a Dominican. However, when he is back from the idylic week of sex, who is he going to have sex with? He goes to try again with this woman who lives near him, this is not rocket science. He is going to do everything compulsively to get her back - and also me, but I'm not playing his game any more. This is my interpretation of the compulsive acts of a Narc.
Jan 29 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
midnight7
midnight7's picture

Hi Cristina, a long distance

Hi Cristina, a long distance relationship is in itself a red flag. If you are obsessively thinking about whether he is a N this is a red flag. Obsessive thinking comes from constant anxiety. Pathological and compulsive lying are major N traits. Regardless of this lying is a red flag, period. Lying more than once, a huge red flag. Infidelity, the on/off, hot/cold behaviour, silent treatment aka the charm offence then D&D is typical of the N. It is unlikely he will get his comeuppance they are master manipulators but this is not important - you are. Your recovery is of prime import. Your fear, distress, anger, and the behaviour you feel was out of character are normal responses - you have been abused by a N and it will take some time to recover..