bgirl's story - Letter to husband

Letter to my husband.....victim of Hurricane N

Dear Scotty,
Not sure where to begin...so I will begin with 'I am sorry.'
I am sorry I wasn't aware that I have virtually no emotional intelligence and I couldn't protect you from what I now know was an inevitable breakdown for me.
I am sorry that when I first realized what was developing with M that I didn't tell you immediately. It was deceit by omission and I will always regret thinking I could handle him myself.
I will always carry the hurt I caused you. Always. I cannot, however apologize for it happening because nothing would have stopped me. Nothing.
Please know though, that you were always in the back of my mind, as a comparison to him, not the other way around. I KNEW on some level that something wasn't right with him but at first I couldn't pin point it and then when the negatives and abuse and contradictions and crazy making statements emerged I think I minimized them, made excuses for his behaviour and tolerated treatment I never dreamed I would :(
I know you have never and would never treat me like he did.
You said once that you were so sad because you couldn't give me what I needed....but in a sense that is a positive, your best redeeming feature....you couldn't give me the abuse that I felt comfortable with and that I was drawn to... :-|
I have so much work to do on myself. I hope that what happened to me and then subsequently all of you, may have something positive come out of it eventually. It is my worst nightmare that I have ruined any of you because of the flaws in my character/personality..:(
I honestly don't know if I will ever fully move on from this experience. I sincerely hope you can and that one day you find contentment and more happiness than you have ever previously known.
You have shown so much integrity, patience and amazing character through what would have been an incomprehensibly painful time for you. I am sorry I couldn't help you but in fact added to your burden. I am sorry that I have caused you huge amounts of emotional distress with my state of mental health but at the same time I know I will thank you for helping me in my mission  to stay alive.
Also you have shown amazing self control not to hurt or abuse either myself or him for that matter. He does not deserve a second of your time. He will relish in even a crumb of attention, positive or negative. All the literature I've read and the professional opinions I have sought unanimously agree that the only way to win or injure them is to fail to acknowledge their existence. Just like he did to me.
The thing I am most proud of you for is the amazing role model you have presented for the kids, but Jeremy in particular. He sees how a real man handles a crisis. With dignity, compassion and class. Think about what an amazing gift you have given your son. There is not many men I know that would have a tenth of the strength and integrity you have shown. Jeremy has seen all of that. He has a real man for a father. He is a lucky, lucky boy.
I also wanted to thank you for not deserting me in my darkest hour. I did not expect you to be there. I will never forget what you have done for at the expense of your own well being. I have never had anyone care for me like that before and probably never will again and please know I will be forever grateful and forever tinged with sadness that I couldn't and didn't treasure you more. I can't go back, but know I will carry this with me for life.
Just a tiny thing I wanted to tell you. We mirror our kids. Jeremy is your mirror, Ellie is mine. The things we criticize them for are the things we don't like but won't admit we possess in ourselves. I'm going to work hard to repair this with El, be more tolerant, listen to her more. Jem needs patience...work with him... looks up to you. :)
I hope we have gained something from this mess that helps us be better parents and I hope more than anything you realize your potential and find true love xxx
X
B

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