Serenstar's story

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#1 Dec 16 - 2PM
Serenstar
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Serenstar's story

THE NARC ……THE CON – MY LIFE ……THE MARK – AKA ME

EGO - Overinflated ego, affirmed his hotness in the mirror as he preens and sung songs of how great he was in the shower. I used to think this was short man syndrome as he is 5’4”. He is not an Adonis at all. He referred to himself as his friends LEADER.

PERSONA - Charming, charismatic, attentive, like your best girlfriend, put me on a pedestal, nothing too much trouble, listened, consoled me, I was the strongest person he knew. He admired me I had it all together and could obviously teach him things. He was always helpful, pleasing, nice to my family always went out of his way to treat you like a princess and special, could make you fall for him. REALITY – A liar, manipulator, chameleon, charlatan, cheater, intelligent, cunning, shifty, overly confident, robotic, no compassion, no remorse, incapable of love or feelings.

SEX - He was insatiable at sex, really aggressive at first it scared me then it became the norm I think I may have been Madonna and Whore in the beginning I played into his fantasies, he pushed my sexual boundaries the sex felt hot and erotic but at the same time lacking love (he had porn fetishes about bondage, humiliation, spanking etc, threesomes seemed to like the idea of piercings). I am not offended by porn but when it takes away from a relationship and he is only getting horny from images and not you I think it is wrong. Major amounts of sex in the beginning then excuses. I was PUNISHED regularly because I pissed him off – punishment no sex leaving him calling me stormy as I storm off frustrated, I walk on eggshells and hope at the end of a good day I actually get it – I don’t.. I practise monogamy and I have a healthy libido – our sex life went from hot to fewer and fewer times to nothing, for the last 5 months, I thought it was extremely cruel. REALITY – I became the sexless Madonna.

IDEALS - He has grandiose ideals and eats lobster like he’s rockerfella but has nothing to back it up. He has no possessions but vacations Overseas. He has no bills. REALITY - His credit was bad, he lived at home at 35 (because his mom did not drive and his dad had had a heart attack). His car is in his moms name his insurance in his dads. TRUTH – he never left home, uses his mom who enables him, he does not lift a finger in the house. She does his washing and cooking, lies for him and covers for him. His truth he does everything he moved back in to help them.

BACKGROUND - I was told he got a scholarship to a particular university in baseball and he got a BA in Business from there. TRUTH - I found out from a fake diploma in his drawer 3.5 years later he did not graduate high school. He then worked for a company for 15 years before he lost his job a month after I met him. TRUTH - when I met him he did work there but 3.5 years later I find out he worked there 15 months. He was out of work 6 months but got back on his feet as he wanted to impress me. The new job fuelled his ego it came with a truck, a new iphone, responsibility and power. A 24hr shift and being on call 24/7 the rest of the week. Leaving plenty of opportunities for him to be elusive, missing in the middle of the night with a reason.

MONEY – Or lack of it – REALITY bad credit. This was explained away as his family using him. As a cash cow and he was the victim getting loans for family. It became clear the family did behave as if everyone’s credit was a joint credit pool so It became validated to me. REALITY – He needed me to fix it, I was great at finances, it was a deal breaker for me but as he was a victim I helped him. He started to obsessively save and pay the debt off. Getting a bigger Ego and surpassing me financially. TRUTH – He was completely irresponsible and his mom who covers for him had paid bills that he gave up paying. He always owed other people money as he barely worked this information only came to light within the last year.

TRIPS – I am from another country. As he garners more money he gets a passport and regularly books us trips home on his schedule. This is for me as I do not get to see my family much, get homesick etc. REALITY – Half the local village seems to be his fanclub after 1 trip – they seriously feed his ego – He is their King and he even jokes that they make an announcement that he is coming. He becomes loved and supports the local sports team , people are giving him things, mementos, also full run of the bar. He seems to look forward to trips to go to that bar than to see my family or anywhere else. International traveller now added to his repetoire.

APPEARANCE – Dresses 80’s style – Accepts my offer to help him look better, chose a style. He thinks he is even hotter. He constantly wears items of clothing emblazoned with the flag of my country or the local team. I thought he was so sweet to make an effort with my culture etc. REALITY - It’s part of his game to make him interesting and unique it started many conversations and was an icebreaker with women. He looked better and it gave his ego even more confidence that if I though he looked hot now so would other women.

CHEATING PART 1 – I lose my job and actually need him, things are going bad for me and opportunities are opening up in my own country. I am drained and spinning my wheels - He is supportive, look into it we could both move back but you first. He wants me to set it all up. REALITY – In his mind I have now abandoned him and must be PUNISHED so he needs to find a new supply. He starts trolling the internet before I come back and as I do not have a roof over my head anymore I have to stay with family 5 hrs away. He sees my repeated leaving as abandonment instead of helping secure us an apt as he cannot do anything by himself. We are not apart long but he signs up for a personals site to search for a Madonna and is on other sites more dubious looking for whores. He even books a hotel room. When I half find out later I confront and am BRAINWASHED into believing it is NOT WHAT I THINK IT IS and it was my fault he had to stay at a hotel as he did not want to get a DUI and his girlfriend wasn’t around to drive him home. I am not that naïve. TRUTH – he had contacted lots of girls over 2.5 months, even used guys names in his phone instead of theirs. When I started to fins out I wrote all the numbers down out of his phone but was brainwashed into beleiveing I was paranoid. I called 2 and had proof of some going out to dinner with him which I was totally shocked about. It would be 3 months later when I would find the WHORE (probably not the only one now I know what I know about this PD) she admitted a purely sexual relationship. The WHORE – a recent transplant to the area, an easy mark, recovering from breast cancer, lost her job and living at a friends house, a good 8 years older than he and I. Confirms sex on first night and hotel room. LIES – Tells her he makes lots of money, gets out of the relationship saying his dad died on Christmas Eve ????? GUILT – Is laid on me and my own family think I invited this in as I was wishy-washy about our relationship. Instead of leaving I am paralysed I am dependant, I stay but am humiliated, devastated, betrayed, hurt, angry, confused etc. Thinking who the hell are you and at the same time, I am a horrible girlfriend no wonder you did this. I do insist on condoms and our sex life becomes less and less and not because of me.

FLIRTING – After cheating , now pulls his weight has a contact for a mortgage, wants me to go with him. Flirts with mortgage girl (she will reappear later) shamelessly and makes me feel like a 3rd wheel. Find out her 2nd job is a bartender and he drops by there on his way home for 10 mins sometimes. REALITY – Had no idea he knew her or went to this bar. She knows all his friends to. He acts like it’s casual, truth is he has known her a year and she knows all about his sob story with me. She fuels his ego, when he is out of the room tells me he is not like other men he is so nice and she thinks he wants to marry me. I am thinking I just found out he cheated ????

ROPING ME BACK IN - He needs some of my money if I want to live in a certain area – as my expectations are HIGH. TRUTH – they are not, just normal. His whores have no expectations.
I do not give money, he just cheated. He puts in bids on houses too low and does not get them. He wants to get a house not waste money on rent, I move into his parents house this is something I say I will never do. It get quite depressed ontop of going for interviews and not being able to land a job as the economy is bad. I deal with it. My bro 5 hrs away needs help with his business and children I to keep my sanity go to help.

CANNOT BE ALONE - Now I know a NARC’s fear is being alone. He was alone again, he contacted someone or many on Craiglsist to meet for coffee I was furious ( I found out as now I snoop). I Stay away a bit longer but come back as I am scared what is going on. Mortgage lady has been calling from a year ago. I call her and find out they have been hanging out while I was gone, she is now divorced, he said I knew and it was ok. I say hell no I know nothing of it, he saved her from a dui, helped her with her daughters prom dress and they had been hanging out with each others friends.

CONFRONTATION – Leads to his RAGE says nothing is going on, he has done nothing wrong, just friends etc. She confirms this. I am made to look STUPID, a jealous girlfriend, who is not fun, controlling etc. I tell her it is not cool our relationship is in recovery for a year over a cheating incident. I do not want her drunken BS in my life. He is furious at me and says it is not her fault, his RAGE leads his father to throw him out of the house. He is furious and says am I happy now he is homeless. My family comes in from overseas to my brothers as we are having problems he says he will come up and visit , he says he will pick me up and bring me back he makes a fool of me and does neither. REALITY - He had been seen with one of her younger college friends riding around in his truck has gone out of his way to be helpful and pick them up and bring them into town. He also disappears for 3 days his mom thinks he is picking me up. Never got the truth on this and the mortgage lady move to another state although only 20 mins away. He may have been helping her move but I have a feeling now sex with someone was likely involved.

ROLLERCOASTER – Everyday is different swinging from horrible to wonderful, I can do nothing right, I am the bad guy. It sounds like I go out of town a lot but it is usually under his suggestion, his payment and his support. It would not be normal if I was employed. He is lonely when I am gone and mad when I am back. Everything is totally all my fault. We do some fun things together but sex seems to be cut off now. We have a row he wants it ended the next day we are going to work it out. He needs space now. He says go back to your own country for a month to give us space. I want to but I don’t as I am always trying to look for a job. I go. Before I go I notice some numbers and things about craigslist and I am shocked and scared again. Who the hell is this guy. For my sanity I go into denial and write down the numbers. I do inquire about them am told one is a wrong number, then yes he knows who it is, its none of my business, and the other is R someone from the coffee shop.

OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR – The NARC appears to visit a coffee/tea shop twice a day to surf the internet on his iphone. REALITY – he is trolling craigslist he says for apts, I say I think otherwise he says he is interested in stupid things people put on there. I half believe it. Denial I don’t want to. On a visit to said coffee/tea shop I find a possee of older women he just chats to. So not cool but I am being accused of being ridiculous he can’t have friends, some are guys to. They seem not his type and he probably not theirs I meet one and she is nice but seems to know little about me, as if just heard of me in passing.

AWAY – I am away 6 weeks we talk on skype, I was to be there 3 but there was a funeral and he says extend it he is so understanding I never see my family much he sees his all the time. I do not know where our relationship lies if we even have one. He says when I get back we are fixing it and will get a place first of the year. I get back and am back 3 weeks and see a phone number – deep set in the back of my mind I put 2 and 2 together and figure this is R from the coffee shop. I am thinking what the F. He says she is probably calling for a ride he does not pick it up. I find out he has given her rides before he says once in a blue moon as she has no car. She is a 47 year old art student and needed fabric one day he helped with that to. This is so not cool I am pissed. Yet again I have no idea this is going on. I tell him I have her number and if she is a friend it will all be confirmed. He goes into a RAGE says do not mess with my friends, you will just embarrass yourself and this relationship is done you obviously will never trust me. If I find out you have called her I will kick you out. So against my better judgement I do not call. However I say well if she goes to the coffee shop we go to I will probably run into her eventually. He says see, If I was doing anything do you think I would take you there. I replied YES you are that BRAZEN. I am seriously at my wits end at this point.

CHEATING PART 2

YOUR SINS WILL FIND YOU OUT – We go to the coffee shop last Friday and bump into R who confirms she has been dating my NARC, since August. I was in town until end of Sept. He totally ignores her, behaves like a little boy. Denies it all, just sits there, we are both furious I hoped she was going to laugh in my face and say she would not sleep with him, not her type. TRUTH - Which was true but she fell for the kindness, the charm, his popularity, she slept with him a few times and without protection. I said I had not slept with him since July and with protection for the last couple of years. She thought she was in a relationship with a nice guy, was told a whole bunch of lies including he had not had sex in two years.

WAKE UP CALL – From this website it has all clicked and I have been able to piece it all together. I just thought he was immature, I know now this is a PD, he will never change, he is incapable of love, he will never be faithful, I will always be used. Although I am a pale imitation of myself I can empower myself to change.

Dec 29 - 10PM
olemizmom
olemizmom's picture

Serenstar

U cannot reclaim the few (very) good times u had with this man because they were a pretense. He doesn't deserve u. U will do better and he will remain the same. That is justice.
Dec 17 - 1AM
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

You are so ON to him! Yeh he

You are so ON to him! Yeh he really didn't get anything over on you for too long. It must EXTREMELY frustrating for him that you don't just let him spoon feed you his lies. WELL DONE on keeping on your toes and on top of his crap. I would start "trickle moving" your stuff out. Smuggle out your belongings to your friends house. And then one day just don't come home! I just know you are going to fine...and so much wiser! BTW he doesn't deserve you. And you don't deserve his abuse.
Dec 17 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
Serenstar
Serenstar's picture

I'm always fine - thanks

Yes I am on to him big time the last 2 years. I had more access into his life. I learnt the patterns and tricks and was confronted with a completely different person i am still understanding it and have an epiphany all the time. I hate that i ever met him, he is the guy that lives in his parents basement that is a creep, i am starting to feel relieved i am getting out of this before i am buried in the back yard - sounds extreme but if you have no feelings, nothing this is the type of person to me that would be capable. The more i found out and was on to him the more the arguments started everyday. He was very frustrated. The last 2 years a rollercoaster. Well i don't want to ride his ride anymore. Yes i will probably do what you suggest my friend would be delighted to help. I need a safe place to work out the rest of my life. I know I have to be cut off from him. I ma beginning and have already started doing things i used to do before i met him which has been great and i have felt i am back in the world and people are interested in me like they used to be. This is my really second major ordeal and i will not do it anymore. I just noticed someone else is calling him and i believe it is not who he says it is - i don't care now - i just laugh, in amongst the hurt there is something comical about the audacity the brazeness the psychoness and I can laugh as I am not in it anymore. He totally doesn't deserve me and i pity the next victim. I am learning so many things from this and the fact that I am an empath and was lonely has opened the door for him to come in, but it is also hitting him on the butt on the way out.
Dec 18 - 4AM (Reply to #11)
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

It is absurd isn't it. They

It is absurd isn't it. They really aren't very smart. All they really have is the element of surprise on their side...we don't expect people to be so low down dirty rotten. But once we figure it out and they've used up their little bag of tricks they're pretty predictable. Yeh...the pimp/NARC here is always in the bathroom with his cell...texting. I could give a rats ass. Let him play with her. He bores me.
Dec 18 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
Serenstar
Serenstar's picture

Completely absurd

You got it absurd, bizzare the elaborate lies they come up with that are believable until you know. This one just told the new one the same BS he started telling me 5 yrs ago in the beginning of the relationship, stuff he is well and truly busted on. It was weird as his life is better now than the false background he feels the need to attach to it. I figure this is his story the one he's made himself believe, he can't go straight ever. He has intelligence he uses it sadistically for his gain otherwise he is dumb as dirt and he should know me he is always shocked when i can present him with names and phone numbers and gets so mad i have always been able to run rings around him. Sorry you've been through it all to, until a week ago i thought it was just me. Yep bathroom texting (i didn't even know he knew how) and shifty phone calls always leaving the table going outside to smoke - yeah right. This NARC is actually an incredibly boring guy to, he has really nothing to offer and just latched on to my life like a leech now he has destroyed it and some of my friendships. But i am tough i know it's a blessing all guys are not like this.
Dec 16 - 3PM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Hi Serenstar

Sorry to hear your sad story. It wasn't clear how you've left things with this jerk, but you have to stay away from him. I'm NC for 6 weeks but every day I get more and more clarity about what happened, and it empowers me to stay away! You cant reason with him. He doesn't believe he's wrong and will never admit to his betrayal. I'm pleased you found this site, and even more pleased you found out the truth before he ruined you even more. None of it was your fault no matter what he's made you think. Best of luck getting through this.
Dec 16 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Serenstar
Serenstar's picture

Thanks for your support Femmegem

We are not NC yet. I am in his parents house in another room - we are actually having little contact, and yet he seems to think he can ask for favors affirming to me it will never end and NC is the only way to go - i replied to Spinning about it below. I just have to get planning to make this happen, stick with it and follow through. I am in a bad position but not impossible, he hasn't financially ruined me. I really want my life back the one before he came into it, it wasn't perfect but compared to this it was a dream. Congrats on your NC for 6 weeks. I know now I cannot reason with him it is like reasoning with a drunk, talking to a brick wall. There is no point, where i feel pain, hurt, anger, stress, distress, all the usual emotions he feels nothing. He totally thinks he never betrayed me and if he did it was my fault. I could not understand this before i know now he is wired differently and lives without conscience which is scary. Really is there anything scarier that is like a monster. I am really educating myself. The hardest thing for me was all the unfolding lies who the hell lies like this to be led to believe something for years and him cutting off our sexlife was very cruel.
Dec 16 - 3PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Serenstar, sweetheart, welcome

to the forum, though I'm sorry you had to land here. I'm sorry we all had to. Like you, when I found this place things clicked so loudly and I was so relieved that it "wasn't me" who was off that I couldn't believe it. I, too, was still "in it" knowing I had to get out. I am now 13 months No Contact. SS, please get away from this guy. Cut your losses. He is not going to let go easily but we can help you stay strong. Do you have a plan? A cut-off date when you will stop it? I urge you to go no contact as soon as possible and begin to undo the damage that has been inflicted. Read all you can here, as you say at the end of your post, you have a choice to empower yourself and change and KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. This guy's a liar and a loser and he will never, ever change. He does not deserve any part of you and the sooner you can extricate yourself from this chaos and confusion, the sooner you can be on the path to healing and happiness. Trust me on this, life is so much better when you break free of the chaos. It's hard work, but the payoff is fantastic. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. I REFUSE TO SPIN FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANY ONE!

spinning

Dec 16 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Serenstar
Serenstar's picture

Thanks Spinning, Hunter, Femmegem

Thanks for your support guys, congrats on your no contact. I know that is imperative to move on as he will always keep contacting me. My situation is odd, i am living at his parents house with him, so far all I have been able to do is move into another room, I have been so dependant on him, I have no car either just the use of one and no job. Yep I got myself in a right mess. I have a great girlfriend who wants me to move in with her, her husband, 2 kids and 2 dogs. They have no room and i do not want to put them out. She is extremely supportive and has always disliked him. It is Xmas next week and i am due to rent a car and go to my brothers he also has guests in for xmas. I know i have to get out and am biding my time til i can formulate a plan. I am having little contact with him right now, he disgusts me. The bigger plan may be to jump ship and move back overseas although i did not want him to force me into that as it is a huge life change and i would be giving up my greencard, it is something i considered before i met him but did not do as i didn't feel i could give it up i have been in the states a long time now so it is not easy either. Underneath it all I am strong, I acknowledge what this relationship has done to me and know I cannot take anymore, for me to come out of it i have to put distance between us for a better life. I know i did not need him before i met him so i should not need him going forward. I have told my best friend everything to help make me accountable so change happens this time and I get out.
Dec 17 - 1AM (Reply to #6)
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

You've got a great head on

You've got a great head on your shoulders.
Dec 16 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville.. Same

Welcome to Narcville.. Same Momma's boy different "short" Body.. Hunter
Dec 16 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Serenstar
Serenstar's picture

Hi Hunter

Yep Momma's boy to the extreme she is sick of him using her and he needs to get out, but then will serve him up a tray of brownies on his demand - sick. When i outted him to his family it became clear that they have no or little time for him, don't respect him but leave him be as family is family. Too bad i wasn't offered up this info from day one. He is a loser, a jumped up little squirt. THERE IS NO CURE.
Dec 16 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

She won't stop.. Read up on

She won't stop.. Read up on mother enmeshed men .. All these creatures have Mommy issues. Hunter