There appears to be much confusion as to: What is a PD?

A PD's behavior often comes across as a series of contraditions and it is often difficult to sort it all out.

A PD is a personality disorder, it is not a choice, and is ingrained into the personality and has become part of the makeup of the person.

We especially as women, are trained to be caregivers, problem solvers, and have big hearts and souls which basically believe that with enough LOVE anything is possible. Just watch a few love stories or Disney movies and everything, no matter how bad, most always has a happy ending and love pervails. Love got Heidi's grandfather off the mountain. Love helped the little girl to walk again. Love cures alcholism, sexual orientation, and changes the bad into good in the movies which we watched when we were kids.

I think that this idea still holds true for many when they become adults and get into relationships; if only I love him enough, all will work out and of course add to the mix what we are taught by religion. God can heal all, forgiveness is the key, don't judge your brother, pray for a miracle, ect..

Add to this the fact that SOME therapists tell you that everyone can get better if only they are willing to do the work.

Well, the truth of the matter is that there are certain conditions, preferences, addictions which have an extremely LOW sucess rate at recovery, whether or not the person is willing to try.

I am not saying NEVER, I am saying most of the time.

Sexual preference which is NOT considered a disorder by the DSM any longer, has a low sucess rate of change. Many are happy with their preference, yet some would prefer to be different and have gone to "programs" designed to change sexual preference and most of the time, it does NOT change.

Pedophillia which is considered to be a disorder and other deviant sexual preferences such as rape and other angry sexual behaviors towards woman. MANY have been confined to a sex treatment center for years and undergone extensive TREATMENT and come out and raped, or molested a child again within weeks.

Opiate addiction, primarily herion, has a small success rate. The drug destroys the central nervous system and makes it very difficult to recover from permanently. Do some get off and stay off, YES. Do many either never get clean or stay on methodone or suboxone for life, YES.

And the one we are talking about here, PD's. The reason I use those other examples to illustrate is to show that there are several disorders which are part of the mental, psychological, and physical make up of what a person becomes. Whether they are born this way, a predisposition is in their brain, DNA, or their environment created these disorders, may depend on that particular indivdual, and depending on which research you believe. The Christians will tell you that they are evil and that God can heal them. I have seen many try this route and they were not healed.

A PD for whatever reason is disordered, they are damaged. They have a disorder which creates extreme self absorbtion and the nature of self absorbtion is that you cannot see or feel beyond yourself. A Narc and psychopath lack empathy, compassion towards another, and guilt towards their behaviors. They cannot see or feel what you are experiencing and do not feel love towards you in the traditional sense. They live with fear and anger, whether these emotions are evident to you or not, they have them. They mask them and put on an act in order to secure adoration and supply. They fear intimacy and this is the very trait necessary to be in a loving, committed relationship. They fear it to the extent, that if you try to penetrate their vast walls, they will either run, or try to destroy you as they run, or some will stay with you and keep you down in order to maintain control. They never want to lose control.

Even if a PD were willing to go to therapy and most would see no reason to go, they STILL seldom if ever recover, because they can't let go and become intimate with the therapist, they STILL come from a place of control, manipulation and con. The only way a PD could change or recover would be if they ALLOWED themselves to completely decompose and let down all of their walls and then have a therapist help them to rebuild their personalities from the inside out. Their disorder does not allow them to do this so it rarely if ever happens AND such a process would take YEARS, and require blind faith, trust, and a willingness to become completely vulnerable to another.

Being a PD is NOT A CHOICE, they do not intentionally destroy you aside from the fact that this is NOW the nature of who and what they are. I understand that this statement is a contradiction but a PD is a contradition. Their behaviors can destroy you but not because they want to destroy people but because this is the nature of their disorder and a fallout from engaging with one who has nothing to give that is of any real substance. They most likely will not get better even if they do go to therapy because it is too scary and difficult for them to experience. A PD is not the same thing as PTSD.

A PD DOES love you as best they can, and it is not enough because they cannot feel your emotions. They love you in their thoughts, in their manipulations. They do what they need to do in order to keep you as supply, to some this feels like love because it appears as though they are complying for awhile, yet it is only this, they are only doing what they think you want in order to keep you happy enough to let them stay in your life. They will begin the D&D if they feel scared, threatened, bored. The reason that they require so much supply is out of boredom and because it is easy not to get too attatched if you have many, this way you don't run the risk of getting too close or getting abandoned.

Narcs and Psychopaths often attatch themselves to codependents and love addicts who will try even harder to make it work than would someone who does not have these traits. Is this always the case? No, although, often it is. This is a perfect formular for them because the CD/LA blames themselves, is addicted to the pain, and will take them back repeatedly.

If you think that love will cure all and that the PD is doing all of this on purpose and can change anytime they want, then you are in for a long hard ride. These thoughts and beliefs will keep you thinking that YOU can change the PD and even if you think you can't, if you think that they can change, if only they would try harder, then you will continue to live in anger and rage that if only they LOVED you enough or were more willing, than all would be better. If you think that they are in LOVE with the OW and not you because you are not good enough, then you will continue to stay in a pain and anger stage, where the problem lies in the fact that you were not good enough or that something is wrong with you and that somewhow, the OW is better than you.

The only change which you are ever going to see, is within you. When you change your thinking about what a PD is and what a PD is capable of feeling.

MYTHS about PD's:

They can love me if they want to and try harder.

They will change and get better if we go to therapy.

They do this on purpose because I am not good enough.

They love OW better than me.

They will change if I go NC and they suffer without me.

MYTHS people involved with a PD believe:

I am not good enough, this is why he does not love me.

If I do what he wants in bed or change my appearence, he will love me more or not want to cheat on me.

He cheats on me because I am older, too fat, too thin, too bitchy, too crazy, not willing to engage in perversion with him.

He watches porn because I am all of the above.

He really loves me, he just can't show it.

He hits me because I upset him.

He does not buy me nice gifts because I am unworthy.

OW is better than me and he treats her better and love's her more.

PD's are not wired to love you. PD's are not wired to have healthy relationships.

A PD can become addicted to you but it is a mind thing, not an emotions thing.

This has NOTHING to do with YOU. They manipulate, con, and hurt everyone who gets close to them, not just you. This is not your fault, you did not create this and you cannot fix, cure, or change this.

They only cure for the PD in your life is for you to either accept them exactly as they are and live with it or GET OUT and go NC.

Revenge, hate, anger, and trying to outwit a PD is a complete waste of time aside from you getting your anger out from all that they did to you. They are not hurt in the traditional sense by your revenge and trying to outwit or outsmart them. They just take this as either you are nuts or they will try even harder to pay you back and get the last laugh. More often than not though, once you are no longer "GOOD SUPPLY" they will just move on to better more unsuspecting supply until they burn them out as well.

The solution is to FIX yourself and your thinking regarding what just happened with the PD. The longer you remain fixated on the PD, the longer you will remain in the anger, pain, obsessive stage.

Work the steps, they work if you work them. They take you through the stages into recovery. You will remain stuck as long as you continue to believe that this is your fault, that they can change, and that you need to seek revenge. They are sick, disordered, and not capable of a loving healthy relationship.

Acceptance is the key. Once you accept that they are ill, so much of the rest of it all begins to fall into place and you can begin to rebuild your life and let go of them. This is a their disorder, not a life sentence for us to suffer. There is life and recovery after a PD if you want it.

God bless,

May 17 - 10AM
Allesandra's picture


Nov 11 - 6PM
jjypablo's picture

All the aspects in your blog

All the aspects in your blog are true. Can't help but shed tears for it describes my life with my exN. The question am i not enough made me tried very hard to prove to him that i am enough and by doing that the more i am hurt. Now after 15 years of struggling to save mariage, it drained and sucked me off all my self worth. I had a hard time recovering because im a codependent. I get to heal myself when i realized the disorder through reading self help books and articles about narc. It's such a liberating experience to get hold of myself once again. Im loving Myself more now and theres no words to describe how i feel today! I got my life back and truly knowldege are power. I will never allow anyone to take control of my life again. It's mine and my responsibilty. Now im happy and empowered by all the achievements i've made after i left my ExN. There's a much beautiful life outside ExN.
Nov 8 - 4PM
michelle18's picture

go NC?

What does "go NC" mean? This is my first day as a subscriber! Can my suspected Narc be a narc even if he doesn't flip and beg me not to leave?? He just puts himself on an online dating site the next day & definitely rages! I really want to know how we are sure they are a narc/PD or not if they wont go to get diagnosed...and he wont, Ive tried! I have to sit down and write out our 4 year tortuous dating story. I have HIGH hopes for this site and hope it can help me move on I need it! -M
Nov 8 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
michelle18's picture

go NC

...means "Go No Contact!" Im learning!
Nov 8 - 1AM
Pumpkin's picture

Thanks Goldie

Thanks Goldie, I wish I would have known all that 34 years ago. What alot of grief and unhappiness I could have avoided. I have two and a half years nc. It has helped clear my head, no more brainwashing. He is what he is and I've accepted that. I thought I could love him enough to fix him. I can't fix him. They do manipulate, con and hurt everyone they come in contact with. My only problem is the religious aspect of it. The until death do you part. I thought I could stick it out but after that much time I was an empty shell with no hope, walking dead, sucked dry. With the nc and some miles between us I can even forgive him sometimes. He's just so not worth wasting my time hating, which would destroy me. I do go back to that mindset sometimes but I snap out of it. Anyone else understand it's hopeless but still can't get past the religious aspect?


Nov 3 - 10AM
NarcJunkie's picture

Thank you, Goldie :)

It was such a relief when I finally realized that I'm dealing with a disordered person... that he's not willingly trying to harm me and most importantly: that i didn't do anything wrong and that I couldn't have done anything to "save" our relationship. Before I realized this and found the forum, I suffered endlessly and didn't understand what was wrong with me, why he was doing this and why he chose OW over me. Now all the pain is slowly dripping off and I am finally healing. :)
Nov 2 - 5PM
mystwoman's picture

Wow, Goldie this is

Wow, Goldie this is excellent! You really hit the nail on the head. This is their disorder, not a life sentence for us to suffer. There is life and recovery after a PD if you want it. This is so very true. Once I accepted that it was xnh's PD, and his problem, not mine, I was able to end the relationship, go NC, and my life is ever so much happier now. I'm recovering, and my life is improving every day. I was one of those people that had that magical idea that enough love would fix anything. Not so. I loved xnh deeply and truly. He, on the other hand, is not capable of loving anyone (including himself). My love was NOT enough, it will never be enough, and xnh is not able to be fixed. Xnh made a comment to me one time during a hoover attempt that he'd "lost" me. I think my sister was absolutely correct. She told me, "He may have 'had' you for a while, but he didn't 'lose' you. He drove you away with his PD." So true. Any healthy relationship with xnh is impossible. Therefore, I'm NC with him, I'm healing, and I'm moving onto a happier future where I have people around me that ARE capable of really loving me. Xnh's PD may not have been a choice for him, but my no contact with him IS my choice. I'm so much better off now because of it. :)

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Oct 30 - 11AM
divorcedpauline's picture


When I started reading this, I was going to highlight a couple sentences in my comment and remark how spot-on they were, but as I kept reading I realized I would have to highlight the entire article because the entire thing is spot-on. My ex is a PD. Eight years post-divorce and a new wife, and he's still out for revenge: custody battle, not working to eliminate child support, trying to destroy my relationship with one child. I at times find myself slipping into self-doubt:maybe he's nicer to his new wife because there really was something wrong with me, etc. So your article was a wonderful voice of reason. There simply is no reasoning with these people, there is only acceptance and detachment to the extent that's possible.
Oct 29 - 5PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture


Wow, you hit the nail on the head, Goldie! I especially love this: "The longer you remain fixated on the PD, the longer you will remain in the anger, pain, obsessive stage." So true! Thank you for this! xoxo
Oct 29 - 1AM
rosedewittbukater's picture

Goldie once again

Your insights are outstanding. Thanks for this. It came at a really good time for me, and gives me the peace that I was really needing tonight. How ironic is their fear of abandonment? They beg you not to leave them... then do everything in their power to make sure that you do. Whether they are conscious of this or not, in the end does not matter. Though those of us that have been involved with them though do seem to need to know the answer to that. I am slowly wrapping my mind around all this. Thanks!! Rose
Oct 31 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Susan32's picture

You HAVE to leave them...

Because you end up loving your sanity (and YOURSELF) more than them! Their fear of abandonment IS ironic. The ex-Psych was afraid I'd abandon him because I was dating, or volunteering at a local school (the latter actually angered him MORE) I wasn't simply going to cast him aside for no reason... and in the end, I had PLENTY of reasons to leave him. Even during the final D&D, the ex-P cried out, "Don't leave! I'm not done with you yet!" He was afraid of me leaving during an argument... tho the argument was driving ME away. He feared me ending phone calls, saying "don't hang up on me." He tantrummed like a toddler, hoovering me after his girlfriend moved in. It didn't matter that his girlfriend (now wife) replaced me. He had driven me away. I left him because I happened to love myself more than him. And he didn't really love ME... he only loved the attention I gave. If he had TRULY loved me (instead of idealizing me, and D&Ding me for not fitting his ideal).... he would've done anything to keep me from leaving. He wouldn't have driven me away. In the end, I loved my SANITY more than him.
Oct 29 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
indenial's picture

i agree totally

They beg you not to leave them then they force you to leave them !! Sick sick sick !!
Oct 29 - 12AM
aceonelady's picture

Thank you Goldie...

I needed that.