A PD's behavior often comes across as a series of contraditions and it is often difficult to sort it all out.
A PD is a personality disorder, it is not a choice, and is ingrained into the personality and has become part of the makeup of the person.
We especially as women, are trained to be caregivers, problem solvers, and have big hearts and souls which basically believe that with enough LOVE anything is possible. Just watch a few love stories or Disney movies and everything, no matter how bad, most always has a happy ending and love pervails. Love got Heidi's grandfather off the mountain. Love helped the little girl to walk again. Love cures alcholism, sexual orientation, and changes the bad into good in the movies which we watched when we were kids.
I think that this idea still holds true for many when they become adults and get into relationships; if only I love him enough, all will work out and of course add to the mix what we are taught by religion. God can heal all, forgiveness is the key, don't judge your brother, pray for a miracle, ect..
Add to this the fact that SOME therapists tell you that everyone can get better if only they are willing to do the work.
Well, the truth of the matter is that there are certain conditions, preferences, addictions which have an extremely LOW sucess rate at recovery, whether or not the person is willing to try.
I am not saying NEVER, I am saying most of the time.
Sexual preference which is NOT considered a disorder by the DSM any longer, has a low sucess rate of change. Many are happy with their preference, yet some would prefer to be different and have gone to "programs" designed to change sexual preference and most of the time, it does NOT change.
Pedophillia which is considered to be a disorder and other deviant sexual preferences such as rape and other angry sexual behaviors towards woman. MANY have been confined to a sex treatment center for years and undergone extensive TREATMENT and come out and raped, or molested a child again within weeks.
Opiate addiction, primarily herion, has a small success rate. The drug destroys the central nervous system and makes it very difficult to recover from permanently. Do some get off and stay off, YES. Do many either never get clean or stay on methodone or suboxone for life, YES.
And the one we are talking about here, PD's. The reason I use those other examples to illustrate is to show that there are several disorders which are part of the mental, psychological, and physical make up of what a person becomes. Whether they are born this way, a predisposition is in their brain, DNA, or their environment created these disorders, may depend on that particular indivdual, and depending on which research you believe. The Christians will tell you that they are evil and that God can heal them. I have seen many try this route and they were not healed.
A PD for whatever reason is disordered, they are damaged. They have a disorder which creates extreme self absorbtion and the nature of self absorbtion is that you cannot see or feel beyond yourself. A Narc and psychopath lack empathy, compassion towards another, and guilt towards their behaviors. They cannot see or feel what you are experiencing and do not feel love towards you in the traditional sense. They live with fear and anger, whether these emotions are evident to you or not, they have them. They mask them and put on an act in order to secure adoration and supply. They fear intimacy and this is the very trait necessary to be in a loving, committed relationship. They fear it to the extent, that if you try to penetrate their vast walls, they will either run, or try to destroy you as they run, or some will stay with you and keep you down in order to maintain control. They never want to lose control.
Even if a PD were willing to go to therapy and most would see no reason to go, they STILL seldom if ever recover, because they can't let go and become intimate with the therapist, they STILL come from a place of control, manipulation and con. The only way a PD could change or recover would be if they ALLOWED themselves to completely decompose and let down all of their walls and then have a therapist help them to rebuild their personalities from the inside out. Their disorder does not allow them to do this so it rarely if ever happens AND such a process would take YEARS, and require blind faith, trust, and a willingness to become completely vulnerable to another.
Being a PD is NOT A CHOICE, they do not intentionally destroy you aside from the fact that this is NOW the nature of who and what they are. I understand that this statement is a contradiction but a PD is a contradition. Their behaviors can destroy you but not because they want to destroy people but because this is the nature of their disorder and a fallout from engaging with one who has nothing to give that is of any real substance. They most likely will not get better even if they do go to therapy because it is too scary and difficult for them to experience. A PD is not the same thing as PTSD.
A PD DOES love you as best they can, and it is not enough because they cannot feel your emotions. They love you in their thoughts, in their manipulations. They do what they need to do in order to keep you as supply, to some this feels like love because it appears as though they are complying for awhile, yet it is only this, they are only doing what they think you want in order to keep you happy enough to let them stay in your life. They will begin the D&D if they feel scared, threatened, bored. The reason that they require so much supply is out of boredom and because it is easy not to get too attatched if you have many, this way you don't run the risk of getting too close or getting abandoned.
Narcs and Psychopaths often attatch themselves to codependents and love addicts who will try even harder to make it work than would someone who does not have these traits. Is this always the case? No, although, often it is. This is a perfect formular for them because the CD/LA blames themselves, is addicted to the pain, and will take them back repeatedly.
If you think that love will cure all and that the PD is doing all of this on purpose and can change anytime they want, then you are in for a long hard ride. These thoughts and beliefs will keep you thinking that YOU can change the PD and even if you think you can't, if you think that they can change, if only they would try harder, then you will continue to live in anger and rage that if only they LOVED you enough or were more willing, than all would be better. If you think that they are in LOVE with the OW and not you because you are not good enough, then you will continue to stay in a pain and anger stage, where the problem lies in the fact that you were not good enough or that something is wrong with you and that somewhow, the OW is better than you.
The only change which you are ever going to see, is within you. When you change your thinking about what a PD is and what a PD is capable of feeling.
MYTHS about PD's:
They can love me if they want to and try harder.
They will change and get better if we go to therapy.
They do this on purpose because I am not good enough.
They love OW better than me.
They will change if I go NC and they suffer without me.
MYTHS people involved with a PD believe:
I am not good enough, this is why he does not love me.
If I do what he wants in bed or change my appearence, he will love me more or not want to cheat on me.
He cheats on me because I am older, too fat, too thin, too bitchy, too crazy, not willing to engage in perversion with him.
He watches porn because I am all of the above.
He really loves me, he just can't show it.
He hits me because I upset him.
He does not buy me nice gifts because I am unworthy.
OW is better than me and he treats her better and love's her more.
PD's are not wired to love you. PD's are not wired to have healthy relationships.
A PD can become addicted to you but it is a mind thing, not an emotions thing.
This has NOTHING to do with YOU. They manipulate, con, and hurt everyone who gets close to them, not just you. This is not your fault, you did not create this and you cannot fix, cure, or change this.
They only cure for the PD in your life is for you to either accept them exactly as they are and live with it or GET OUT and go NC.
Revenge, hate, anger, and trying to outwit a PD is a complete waste of time aside from you getting your anger out from all that they did to you. They are not hurt in the traditional sense by your revenge and trying to outwit or outsmart them. They just take this as either you are nuts or they will try even harder to pay you back and get the last laugh. More often than not though, once you are no longer "GOOD SUPPLY" they will just move on to better more unsuspecting supply until they burn them out as well.
The solution is to FIX yourself and your thinking regarding what just happened with the PD. The longer you remain fixated on the PD, the longer you will remain in the anger, pain, obsessive stage.
Work the steps, they work if you work them. They take you through the stages into recovery. You will remain stuck as long as you continue to believe that this is your fault, that they can change, and that you need to seek revenge. They are sick, disordered, and not capable of a loving healthy relationship.
Acceptance is the key. Once you accept that they are ill, so much of the rest of it all begins to fall into place and you can begin to rebuild your life and let go of them. This is a their disorder, not a life sentence for us to suffer. There is life and recovery after a PD if you want it.