Fears: Worst Case, He'll Lives Happily Ever After, or Should I Say, Best Case

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Oct 16 - 1AM (Reply to #9)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Hi Syren, I've been doing

a lot of reflecting and philosophying lately...it helps me gain perspective. No, I'm much older than you and I wish I would have starting thinking like this years ago but, that was not my destiny. It's impossible to develop anything meaningful with N's. I tried for 8 years and each year was progressively worse. The more I stood up to him, the worse it got. The clouds are finally starting to lift. I have not seen him for one year and last talked to him, 4 months ago. He was a horrible, horrible experience. Thanks for your support...I really needed it.
Oct 19 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I see mine from time to time

I see mine from time to time and am tested at every turn, but it's also a good gauge as far as my personal progress. I moved in August 2010...there has been contact, since we have a shared interest that lands us at the same place, many times, out of state. I set boundaries for myself very early on after the split and have maintained them, no matter how charming he tries to be. I've recovered even with that contact and feel absolutely nothing for him other than total indifference...that was put to the test a month ago when he showed up at a tournament he knew I'd be at with his new girlfriend. I couldn't possibly have cared less. I did leave however, as I refused to deal with whatever drama he had planned for the evening...the event became about him and not about the reason for my being there and so I left. I think I was the only one who wasn't weirded out by the situation, since many of our mutual friends were in attendance and were clearly uncomfortable with what he was doing. Then again, I know what he's all about...they don't. But I think they're starting to get the picture. I hope you reach that place in your life when you can think of your ex and feel absolutely nothing...not hate, not anger, not love, not sadness....just....nothing. Then you'll know you're in a good place. thanks for reading and hang in there! xoxo
Oct 15 - 12AM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Tresor

I think you and I are really in the same place. This helped me in the struggle with "he seems happy". http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/narcissist-victims-syndrome-survivors/discussions/messages/11523062 Anyway, I think about the forum sometimes and wonder, like you and some others "is it keeping me stuck". But I also realize it is keeping me strong. Be kind to yourself. Put a timer on or set your phone alarm so you don't miss class again! xx, Rose
Oct 15 - 2AM (Reply to #7)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks Rose

A v good article to remind us they are not going to change. I can imgine what he would do and say to new woman exactly the same he to me. No thanks i dont want really. But from afar i still miss him and grieve for lost of dreams.
Oct 15 - 1AM (Reply to #6)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Thank you Rose,

very good article...I think I've read just about everthing Sandra Brown has written. I do "get" pathology and understand hardwiring but, there's still a small part of me that blames me because I didn't deal with him in a more skilled manner. Isn't it amazing how strong the emotional part of our brain is...even with facts, it can sometimes override our intellectual brain. And who cares at this point...he's gone for good and I'll never hear from him again...and my life goes on...Like I said, I'm really ready to be done with this phase of my life. All I lost was a fantasy, a wish or an illusion. Hugs
Oct 15 - 12AM
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

OMG I so relate, even though

OMG I so relate, even though I'm so much older than you. He destroyed me with D & D. Moved on without a backwards glance. Left me doubled over and bleeding. Now he's living with the OW. Living happily ever after. The rejection, the sexual jealousy, the horrible curiosity, imagining her in the house where I stayed, in that bed, with "our" dog (heartbroken over that dog!!) -all so painful. But I offer a ray of hope. NC 3.5 months. Dated but it was empty, just "going through the motions." The pain was too all-consuming. Somehow it has abated. As it ebbed, I slowly recognized the kind and loving attentions of a good man who has stood by me all summer. He is a friend of a dear friend (who I met via the N! so there was a reason!). I couldn't appreciate this new companion until my head got a bit straightened out. I'm surely not 100% yet but now I can think of the N and his new woman and it doesn't kill me. It hurts, or maybe just aches a bit, but it passes. I thank this group, and my closest friends. My mind is occupied with life, my work, books, music, and this gentle sweet protective man who is patiently standing by. I never would have thought in a million years that this could happen. So, take heart.
Oct 15 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Drcrnp

I doubt that you're much older than me, LOL. I know, the experience is torcher...I should have left 8 yrs ago...the red flags and even his blatent statements were there from day one. Congrats on the 3.5 months of NC. The pain does cease and all that's left are memories, and then the realty hits...I fell in love with a narc; the real deal, OMG. I'm so happy that you have loving support in your life. Sometimes good things come when we least expect it. We must remember that N's don't change and supposidly, they end up treating everyone the same. Knowing that does make it a little easier. My clouds are lifting and it's good to finally get some clarity.
Oct 15 - 1AM (Reply to #3)
outOFtheFOG13
outOFtheFOG13's picture

I am no expert on the

I am no expert on the subject, however, I do not see a narc living “happily ever after” with anybody. It was no defect on our part, it is a defect on their part and they will repeat the same behavior with the next person they land. And the next person after that and the next person after that. They are not capable of experiencing true happiness. They will revert back to the same behavior we witnessed and no other person will ever be able to give them what they demand for the rest of their lives. They can only take from another person as much as the person has to offer. Once they have bled the well dry, they will move on. We may see our ex with a new partner and all appears to be wonderful and everything we wanted and didn’t get. but we have to realize things are not always what they seem and I would be willing to bet the happy couple is either in the honeymoon phase where the narc appears to be the perfect person or the new partner may be too weak to attempt to leave the narc and they would rather forsake their own selves to sustain the narcs ego. They will make excuses for the narc and they will make excuses for themselves and pretend that everything is wonderful. This person may not even recognize what is happening and that is exactly where the narc personality wants people to be. That happy front is not real. More important point – seeing the ex “happy” should not signify a failure on our part or a sense of loss that the new partner is getting what we didn’t. If we had continued to allow the narc to steal our spirit – that would be failure because we abandoned our true selves and got nothing in return. They will repeat the cycle.
Oct 16 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

OutoftheFog,

you may not be an expert but, you know what you're talking about. Thank you for reminding me of who he really is and snaping me back to reality. The work for me now, is to stop my own self-destructive repetitive cycles. So far, so good. There is hope.