I have to break contact to tell him to stop contacting me, thoughts?

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#1 Oct 12 - 9PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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I have to break contact to tell him to stop contacting me, thoughts?

He has called 3 times in the last month and sought me out once in public. I think he drives by my house. All of this on one hand- is seductive. but that is the sick part of me that I cannot entertain. I am on the path of healing and recovery from 8 years of grief and devaluing.

The reason I have to send a Do not contact me email is because my message 4.5 months ago ( when I went NC) was not strong enough. All I could muster was a 2 word email "need space" . I was so so fucked up that I thought I could slip and go back to him at any time. I had done it countless times before. So obviously this "need space" message only holds weight for so long.

My therapist and trusted wise friends are saying I need to send a strong clear short email. This is what I want to send, please tell me your feedback. When I send it- I realize this will be a true letting go. Once I call him out fully- he won't want to hoover me. he will know the seduction won't work anymore. and this scares me. I am truly closing the door.

"Do not contact me via email, phone or in person.

This is what you are: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

and because of this- any chance of a healthy connection with you is completely impossible.

You will undoubtedly find more women to seduce, devalue, lie to, manipulate, and demean- there will be always another earnest empathic woman to want to believe you are a good man.

I know differently and this is why I am done."

I really want to send this. It will blow him away and make him stay away. I believe so.

Please tell me your thoughts.

Thank you

Oct 14 - 7PM
juliamarie
juliamarie's picture

I'm standing right where you are

I need to do the same thing. Trying to grow the balls needed to get back to where I was a month ago. Not sure the right words to say. I don't want the stalking to start again. Mean discourse starts stalking in my case. So, I have to be careful. But I am ready to make a stand again. When you figure out your words, let me know.
Oct 15 - 4PM (Reply to #46)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Julia

Silence is your sentence! If him comes to close call the police!! Hunter
Oct 14 - 6PM
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Too long. The first line is

Too long. The first line is good enough. "Do not contact me via email, phone or in person." Anything more than that is inviting conversation or will be viewed as such. And there is absolutely no need to end it with a thank you, just your name. If you want to end it with a bit of power on your side, give him a completely neutral indifferent, clear coherent message. Why tell him about narcissism, it won't change him. It's an insult, and that's not indifferent or neutral. However, I do like what you wrote, it's just not empowering enough. If my narc ever gets back to me after he severed contact almost 10 months ago, he's going to get the shortest sweetest most concise message, this side of "f*** off" that you ever did read.
Oct 14 - 12PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Contact for NC

Now that's a concept. Contacting a person to tell them one doesn't want contact. Sounds like when I was in high school--boyfriends & girlfriends constantly seeing each other "one-last-time" to say "good-bye." And this e-mail above is "contact." Sending a wiki site about NPD. All this invites more discussion and contact. About No Contact. Drop off the face of the earth. It's worked for men since the begininning of time. It can work for you too. And if you do not want him contacting you. How about changing your phone number or your e-mail accounts? If you contact him to tell him not to contact you & to inform him of his personality disorder . . . well call it what it is . . . you want to communicate with him on some some level. If you really did not give a rat's buttend about him . . . you could care less if he phoned or e-mailed. And it's not to the level of harrassment (2-3x a day). He is not exactly an "ardent" suitor here. 2-3x in a month & a public appearance (which may have been accidential). Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.
Oct 14 - 1PM (Reply to #41)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Isn't BOUNDARY MAKING part of our healing???

and he lives 20 seconds from me. I feel on edge alot of the time- he has shown up at my door in the past NC's. Every time the phone rings- I think it might be him. So honestly- my head can't tell the difference between 3 calls a month or 3 calls a day- it is all jarring and unsettling every time it happens. He is not "ardent" because he has a good game- he would never come on too strong because it makes him look weak and he hates hates vulnerability. but he gives me just enough to keep me hooked. I can't drop off the face of the earth unfortunately. we live houses from each other, we go to the same places, we drive by each other on the road. I have maintained the strongest NC I have EVER done with this man- these last 4.5 months- changing all sorts of patterns and behaviors....but giving him the idea that he can call me anytime ( even when I do not return the calls) seems to be to send the message that it is okay. I know this man intimately on so many levels. He won't stop and just go away as long as I don't tell him to. My need space email months ago was not strong enough I am still really leaning towards sending a one line email- Do not contact me via phone, email or in person again. I am befuddled that all of you here keep saying not to. Isn't BOUNDARY MAKING part of our healing????? I agree to cut out the part about NPD. YOU all make sense there. but I am really thinking you all have it wrong here. and this perplexes me. I know we have talked this through and through. I thank you all so much for your feedback, really I do. I just don't think I agree. still going to wait, pause and reflect. and not do anything until all the emotional angst settles.
Oct 14 - 1PM (Reply to #43)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Here is an issue with sending

Here is an issue with sending the email. What if he responds to something that says don't respond? What will you do and how will you feel? What if he doesn't respond? What will you do and how will you feel? Most of us here hit that point where we want to be done, but a part of us isn't ready to let completely go. Maybe that is where you are. Nc is really important to maintain at all times, but especially now when the cog-diss still hits hard. It's ok to still feel for them, it's ok to not have healed from the hurt yet, it's ok to not feel calm and relaxed about it all the time, it's all ok and it's all part of the process. But with all of these normal feelings what are we to do. Do is an action verb. Feelings are adjective words. So we need an action that works while we are having feelings that move all over the board. We do the nc thing until it becomes part of who we are. Like a narc diet. We sometimes want the chocolate, but we don't eat it or look at it or drive by the candy store lest we get tempted. ds
Oct 14 - 1PM (Reply to #42)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Striving

You have this exactly right. The key to dealing with a PD is setting and maintaining clear boundaries. I think the confusion is with HOW that is done. With healthy people, stating where the line is is sufficient. With PDs, they don't tend to hear what we say. They are much simpler creatures. :) Anything we say is perceived as an open door. That's why you're getting the feedback you are. Blocking his phone number and email sends a pretty clear message, too. You are keeping a line of communication open by not having done that, and that is causing us to question a bit. That said, I'm not sure sending the email is a bad idea. Here's why: He lives near you? The boundary lines will need to be VERY clear. If you think he's a stalker type, the email you send may become the ammo you need to shut him down if he steps out of line. Only YOU know what your motives are. I think waiting to reflect is smart, but you ultimately have to do what feels right to YOU...not us.
Oct 14 - 11AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

no words. nothing is a

no words. nothing is a deafening as silence. you don't have to say DO NOT CONTACT ME. just don't contact him, and when he contacts you, ignore...and it will be deafening.
Oct 14 - 1AM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I had the day from hell because of all my obsessing...

his last call- 48 hours ago and all the subsequent thoughts that came with it- including everything I posted here- made my day so so so hard. I really failed at my job today. I won't go into the specifics- suffice to say I WAS NOT PRESENT at all. It just goes to show me that even this limited tiny contact- which he did, not me- can throw me into a huge mind fuck. I think I have to send a stronger DO NOT CONTACT ME email because i see when he hoovers- I obsess and romanticize and dream and get the sick amnesia that an addict gets. But I also know that I am really fucked up right now from all this emotional charge- and will sit on my next step. I can't believe how much he can still affect me - even after 8 years of knowing he was bad for me and 2 years of knowing about NPD and 4.5 months of NC- I am still so so affected. There had better be light at the end of this tunnel. I will stay NC strong. don't worry. I am so beyond blessed for all of you here. I KNOW your support has kept me from calling him back. It really has made all the difference to keeping me sane or going back to the deep abyss of hell.
Oct 14 - 8AM (Reply to #38)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

SFH

I'm telling you any, contact will cause this to get worse for you!! Yes, he lied he took away a dream, this is sick cruel behavior. The dream never exisited.. The game they play is what's real.. 4.5 months.. Is still really early.. Yes you are obessing.. Everything you going thru is normal.. It's a black hole .. I promise.. If you stand strong and maintain NC you will one day be free!!! Stay Strong Hunter
Oct 13 - 5PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

NC will be the only thing

NC will be the only thing that will lead you to peace. Truly. He can't 'seduce' nothing. He can't 'seduce' no reply. lol He doesn't care what you have to say. You are nothing more than supply to be toyed with when he's in the mood. Telling him to stay away, is like telling a fly to stay away from you at a picnic. I broke NC...To gain closure. And it never brought me closure. Never brought me peace. THE ONLY THING THAT LEADS TO PEACE. IS NC. I highly encourage you to work very hard at removing this man from your life, sans a letter. Sans any communication. He continues to write to you because he knows you will eventually give in and write back. Or call. Or whatever. So, you need to not reply anymore. Only way he’ll go away. And then, if he doesn’t go away from you being NC? GET A RESTRAINING ORDER…AND DO NOT WARN HIM. That is how you do it. Unless you like the ‘seduction dance,’ which I’m not convinced you don’t…(I don’t mean to have that sound harsh, but I’ve been there, so I know the various stages now to all this mayhem) …then, go NC. Prayers for you…stay strong.
Oct 13 - 3PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

strivingforhealing

i know my opinion will differ from many as i broke no contact many times and to each their own i say, if it makes you feel better, i would keep it short and business like, use just the very first sentence you said, period, do not bother to tell me what he is, he will never understand or get the picture, I thought of telling myexnarc that via snail mail, but it would fall on deaf ears..............
Oct 13 - 1PM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I am more confused than ever so I won't send it right now

I DO know him best and in my heart of hearts- I think this will freak him out and make him stay away. If I do nothing- he will keep on contacting me, I am sure. He will up the seduction. But Goldie- your email is very strong and I have to be honest- I am not ready to send something like that. I worry he would turn it around and say I am crazy for talking about restraining orders. but I know that should not matter. I also had big fear this morning of doing anything- and here is why- if I make a strong boundary- the seduction stops and I have to admit totally THIS IS OVER FOREVER. and maybe I will get blasted by many of you here- but I also bet - if you look inside yourselves- it is HARD to completely let the dream go. I know I have to...but it is not easy.. yes- you guys are right, I see this now- sending a link shows I still care and that I took time to do it- shows I want to reach him in some way. I just get so so mad- he parades himself around town as the altruistic Green Man who will do anything for nature, people and animals. and I want him to know I know it is a fucking lie. since I am having all these emotions and thoughts, I am simply not ready to do anything and will stick with NC. There is something empowering in NC for sure. but you see- with MY NARC and our story- I do believe not saying anything will result in more and stronger hoovering. then if that happens, I guess I do have to consider the Goldie email. that will be hard. ugh. Thank you all so much for your feedback.
Oct 13 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

Letting the Dream Go

You hit the nail right on the head yourself, Striving! It`s the dream that is hard to let go of, not the reality. It`s the dream man we still love and miss, not the nasty conniving nit-picking abusive SOB he morphed into. And harder than letting the dream go is just acknowledging that it WAS a dream, that what we loved cannot and will never come back. This evening I caught myself wishing for a moment mine would come back, as he was when I first met him, full of remorse at having hurt me and determined to myke it up to me by giving me everything he`d promised at the start and failed to supply, in particular support, understanding, lifelong commitment. But even if he did, I wouldn`t believe him. Even if by some magic he could be transformed into what he APPEARED to be at the start, I just wouldn`t trust him - I wouldn`t be what I was at the start. And therein lies the tragedy and the loss. We lose ourselves in their quagmire. Stick to NC, Striving. You will feel better and more empowered every day because you are winning yourself back, piece by piece, when you go NC. If you break NC, however, you will be giving him a whole chunk of yourself - your hard won-back self - to him, and he will begin to devour you again. He knows this. And they are VERY hungry. The only way to get rid of a narc. is to starve him to death. Go on Striving! I send you strength! Love Tigerlily
Oct 13 - 4PM (Reply to #34)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Tigerlily

I am absolutely of the same mind as you. I could never believe a single word that ever came out of his mouth ever again. And so why even go there? Over, done, got the t-shirt and surprise, surprise it doesn't fit anymore or more importantly, I don't like it. Dee x
Oct 13 - 3PM (Reply to #32)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

I my opinion, but

A friend of mine once told me that "when in doubt, do nothing". So give yourself a timeline say, a week, and see how you feel then. I know exactly where you are coming from and I kinda did what you want to do. I don't ever want to see or speak to my ex again but "I" needed closure this time round instead of the fuzzy edges like in previous times where he would think that he could reappear in my life again, and also so that he knew precisely where he stood and how I felt. I was very calm, didn't mention anything about PD, no accusations etc but told him in no uncertain terms that I was done. I laid down really strong boundaries and he has finally got the message. I am done and out of it and never to tolerate anything from him again. Like you say, you know your ex and so ultimately, you should be the one who decides exactly what you need to do for yourself. Striving, we all have dreams but once they become nightmares we have to protect ourselves. Go forward, do what you feel is best in your situation BUT most of all protect yourself. Big hug. Dee x
Oct 13 - 2PM (Reply to #31)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Shades of gray

One of the best things about no contact/no responding, is that it is a black and white kind of thing. No thinking required. No determining the exact right thing to say or write, no nuance, no subliminal, no hidden meanings, blah blah blah! It is a behavior that says everthing, "I am done", and it even says it on days when we waver, which is a good thing because our emotions can go off the charts for brief periods. So while we heal, and suffering from the lingering shades of gray, a great wall of no contact/no responding protects us from the n, and especially from ourselves. Any honest one of us will admit that deep down inside we know that we do have the power available within to move on, its just that sometimes, for various reasons, we don't want to! Still waiting to read the post " SO GLAD I WENT BACK TO THE NARC, LIFE IS GRAND, AND ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE". And even if we do get that post, it will be the exception that proves the rule. As a side note, we can write the message we would really like to say to the narc and post it here, we don't have to hold anything back... My exnw hurt me, and it pissed me off big time...some days it is really that simple. ds
Oct 13 - 1PM (Reply to #29)
spinning
spinning's picture

Good for you, Striving!

This is huge...you have worked through the root of why you wanted to send the email! You have found your truth at the moment and the truth will set you free! If you really want him to stop, Goldie's email is the way to go and you realize you're not up for that yet. Doing nothing is GREAT! Stay NC and take it one day at a time and continue to look for your truth! It will free you from the chaos and confusion you are struggling with now. Truth and acceptance of that truth brings clarity and peace of mind. At least now you know it is best for you to do nothing at the moment and stay NC! Great!!! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE THE TRUTH OF IT ALL MADE ME REALIZE IT WAS UP TO ME TO STOP!

spinning

Oct 13 - 1PM (Reply to #30)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Well done, Striving!

I agree with Spinning...what you just wrote is HUGE. It's so tough in these situations to get our feelings straight and act with a clear head. When our heart and our head are at odds, it is really hard to understand our motivations and even harder to admit them. By being really gut honest with yourself, you are breaking a REALLY difficult pattern. You can admit that you're struggling to close the door for good? Wow! You should be extremely proud of this. It takes A LOT of strength and self-awareness to do it. GOOD FOR YOU!!! You are doing VERY well, even if it doesn't feel that way at this moment. :) It never hurts to pause for a moment and reconsider before acting.
Oct 13 - 11AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Hey Striving...if that is

Hey Striving...if that is what you have to do to put final closure between you and your ex Narc..so be it. Just know (as I think you already do) that you are giving him NS by sending him that message and just because you say "leave me alone" doesn't mean he will honor that. I find that telling a Narc that he is a Narc is a waste. They don't care to change...but again, if that is what you feel you need to do, so be it. I would in addition, put an autorule with your email carrier to delete his emails and block his texts and calls.
Oct 13 - 11AM
Kitty02 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You don't have to contact

You don't have to contact him, stay NC eventually he will get the message. Three calls in a month is nothing for a PDman...my ex PD who stayed in my life after we split as a so called friend non~stop called for ages after I decided to get him out of my life. They just try and wear you down and engage you in any kind of contact....don't fall for it. He will know you are still hooked whether it be in love, angry or any other emotion. Love it he will. If you send that link he will turn it round on you and make you look like the psycho....that is something else they do. Don't poke the dragon hun....stay silent and dignified, stay NC and be happy.
Oct 13 - 11AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The power of silence

It's all about going NC. Actions speak louder than words.
Oct 13 - 4PM (Reply to #25)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

As for second best...

Give him a weepy, pining "I love you, I miss you, please please please come back into my life", making it sound as desperate and pained as possible... then blocking ALL avenues of contact. And then ignoring him if he does reply. They have some feelings that are fun to play with. Like Play-D'oh.
Oct 13 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You told him once not to

You told him once not to contact you.. Silence is your message!! Telling a narc he's a narc.. Hahaha.. I think a better approach is to change your number and if he comes near you get a RO!! He's baiting you and you are biting!! Hunter
Oct 13 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Is saying "need space" the same thing as "do not contact?"

Hunter- do you think ? I just don't think it is strong enough. thanks for your feedback.
Oct 13 - 9AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Do you want my honest opinion?

I do not find either one of these emails to be empowering at all. Why are you sending him a link to what he is? This sounds like you still care and want him to read it, so he can respond to it. You are still trying to analyze him in these two emails and they take that as an indication that you still care and are still looking for answers and closure. If I received an email like this that is what I would think. A better more empowering approach might be: "Do not contact me ever again via email, text, phone, or in person. The next time you do I will contact the police and have you served with harassment and stalking charges." This is what a narc will hear and if he does contact you to "talk about it" you go directly to the police with a copy of the email and let them take care of it. This is what a Narc can hear, they don't care if you think they are a narc or not, they take that as you are still giving them a tremendous ammount of mental energy which translates into, I am still stuck on you. God bless, Goldie
Oct 13 - 12PM (Reply to #21)
Winter
Winter's picture

I agree with Goldie

You provide him with a lot of supply by sending him a link. It means you care, you analyze him and you are mad at him. For me, your email tells that you are very hurt. This is exactly what he wants to hear for his supply. Try to imagine if some guy who has your number is trying to get you and you are totally indifferent towards him and do not want to engage with him in any shape or form. What would you do? If his texts are sporadic and not aggressive then you would probably just ignore them, right? Otherwise you will just ask him to not contact you ever again and, in case he is still harassing you, then you go to the police with the proof. You would never send the guy any link and you will not tell him who he is and what you think about him. Because you JUST DON’T CARE who he is. All you really want is to be let alone. The rest is not your business. And, even if you still care, you should act as if you don’t. Big Hugs, Winter
Oct 13 - 3AM
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

Doublespeak - don`t play!

Because narcs. frequently say the opposite of what they really mean to get the "desired" result, they tend to assume that everyone else does the same. I think he probably assumes you still want contact with him (partly because he`s so gorgeous, irresistable, Godlike etc. etc., and partly because, deep down, you DO) and will read your "Do not contact me" as meaning the opposite. And even if he doesn`t think that, if he wants to keep the game going, he`ll keep contacting you no matter what you say. He will read ANY response from you as a sign that you`re still in the game. And he doesn`t care a toss what you think or feel in either case. I personally wouldn`t write him a mail. Actions speak louder than words. If you`re NC for long enough, even a narc. will eventually get the message. Sorry he`s pestering you. Can`t you change your e-mail adress? Hugs Tigerlily
Oct 13 - 12AM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Striving, thank you for

Striving, thank you for making me think and remember about how I communicate and what I know in theory but tend to forget and/or neglect as time goes by. Repetition and practicing new behaviors is such a big part of healing! I just started a new topic about contact and communication after thinking about your post. Thanks for being the impetus!
Oct 13 - 12AM (Reply to #16)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I just got off the phone with my therapist who wants me to amend

my email to him. he said it was too "sticky" and it was bring on more contact possibly. so I shortened it to this: Do not contact me via email, phone or in person. This is what you are: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder and because of this- any chance of a healthy connection with you is completely impossible. I am done. It still has one "you statement" 58strong..but it is almost all "I statements" and because of this change- it feels way more empowering and clear. My therapist really rocks. he sees where my unconscious might want engagement and he also saw the benefit in sending this- and he came up with this important compromise. now - i will wait 24 hours to see if I am ready to take this leap. this is really like closing the book fully. I will readily admit to all of you here that each time he contacted me- it was a high. and now if I send this- my drug will most likely disappear ( for some time) I know this man so very well- he will not seek retaliation. that is not his style. he will leave me alone because i know the real him and he will seek supply elsewhere., my fantasy is dead. my dream is dead. reality is here fully and I am ready to embrace it.