Teresa's Story

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#1 Oct 2 - 1AM
Teresa
Teresa's picture

Teresa's Story

First, let me say we have a long distance relationship, but speak and/or email everyday. We visit back and forth regularly, sharing the beauty and historical signifigance of each others countries. He is fun to be with and travel with and I love the anticipation of being with him. When we are together, everything is wonderful, but after two or three weeks apart, he becomes distant and becomes emotionally abusive at times. He then acts as though nothing was wrong, or nothing was said. He tells me he loves me, and wants to be with me, and then disappears when we seem to be getting close. In my own words, this has been a roller coaster ride. Up and down, with his moods always dominating. I was more than surprised when I read your page for the first time and saw the buzz words: rollercoaster, highly sexed, masturbates a lot, moody, domineering, etc. It sounded like him to a T. He is a good lover, but I don't think he feels emotions. He also wants to have sex using me as something to be dominated. Never in a hurtful way though. He is quite gentle and considerate, but until I'd met him, I'd considered these acts degrading.
I was to visit him recently and had a plane ticket and we'd planned the places we wanted to visit, etc. Out of the clear blue, he sent me a message that he'd met someone else, and it wouldn't be right for me to stay with him. This was less than 12 hours after we'd chatted and he told me how excited he was to see me!
After only a few days, he's back saying he wants me to forgive him. (another phrase I read more than once on this page)He'd run into someone he went to school with blah, blah, blah. They started to spend time together as friends, and then they became intimate. He didn't mean it to happen, it just did.
Now he's telling me he wants to continue as we were before, he wants to come back here to tell me how sorry he is, and he wants to travel again together because 'there is something about me and he can't let go.'
From reading the posts here, I've realized a lot. I'm not sure of all your abreviations yet, but I'm sure he has emotionally blinded me and manipulates me in every way.MANIPULATES....now there is the perfect word. It is all about him, but with just enough care to make me think he is worth it. I feel helpless..indeed powerless to get away from him. I see now that has been all his doing, however he did it. I care very deeply for the good parts of him, but as I read this page, I realized that nothing is real....I think. I mean how am I to know? It's made me crazy, and now I'm thinking he has been making other women crazy all along. He alway said his ex was 'obsessed' with him and wouldn't leave him alone, and now he's saying another woman is hacking his email and that she is'obsessed' again, with the buzz word 'obsessed' On top of all this, I'm getting threatening messages on Facebook (we are no longer friends on FB)from people I don't know telling me my behavior won't be tolerated "on FB or in the real world" I'm now in the middle of something I know nothing about, with my name being dragged about by people I don't know. This all sounds like a no brainer, I know. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE the page said. All of you have had the same type of experience it seems, but had the strength to walk away.
He is trying to fix things between us again. He knows just which buttons to push too, to make me want him again. So just when is the last straw so to speak? I guess it must be close, as I've written this honestly,asking for help and strength.
Thanks, and blessings to all here.

Oct 3 - 7AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Teresa, I am glad you are on

Teresa, I am glad you are on the right road and that you have recofnized and acknowledged that his behavior is not that of a normal mans. He is diordered and you will always need to remember that. He will come up with dozens of different tactics to try and get in your good graces again until he finds the one that works. Trust me...... As far as his Mother, he probably reveres her as the "Madonna", very common for the disordered to either love or hate the women in his life. His Mother being pure and loving and the others being whores that don't deserve his love, only his attention, when he wants to give it. Some times they despise their Mother and every other woman he meets. They are filled with hatred for themselves as well as others. The best advice I can give you is to educate yourself on this disorder, with knowledge, comes power. And you will need all the strength you have to take this man and his tactics on, in order to survive. I don't mean to sound melodramatic or anything, but it is what it is. Good luck in your journey. Stay strong!
Oct 2 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Hollywood or fine,

Welcome to Hollywood,fine, Narcville, same difference , Hark, hark another disgusting Narc!! NC is your answer! Hunter
Oct 2 - 7AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Teresa, let me first say, you

Teresa, let me first say, you have found this forum for a reason. Welcome to the path forward. I am sorry that the events you have experienced, brought you here. But, with that said, you have come to the right place. You are not imagining things, you are not crazy, your gut is kicking into gear and trying to overcome what your heart and head are trying to resist.........reality. The reality that you are involved with, and in love with, a manipulative, self centered, narcissistic man. There is so much you will learn about the disordered on this forum as well as the Internet, books, videos. Please read as much as possible, educate yourself on this disorder and allow your gut to be your guide. It is your gut instincts that will save you. Your heart, no use to you right now, it will fight you every inch of the way. The heart will have to take a "back seat" for now, in order for you to recover from the devastation you either have experienced or is about to experience. From this point on, you are going to learn so much about the man that you are with, and about the man that never existed. Put your seatbelt on, because you are in for the ride of your life. It will not be easy. It will be the most difficult thing you have ever been through in your life. But, you will heal, you will be whole again. We here, have all been through this, some have healed, some are still healing, others have fallen and hopefully pick them selves up and get back on the wagon again. What you are about to experience is the recovery process of being victimized by a narc. Your soul has been raped. You have been manipulated by a man who spends every waking moment of his life as a predator. One who seeks out women for supply, and possibly men as well. These things, you will learn. The few things that you mentioned, already point to the disordered. Long distance relationships, although exciting and fun, are rarely real, rarely materialize into anything of substance. Mine included. I was in a long distance relationship as well, and thought it "was meant to be". It wasn't of course, but one can dream. Remind yourself of the stages of your relationship, his behavior, it seems like you can even pin point a time line for his moods, his distance from you. These can not be ignored. Tell yourself, how normal is it to be dismissed in an email. I mean really, what loving person in a relationship does that? And than contacts you to say he made a mistake. This Was Not a mistake on his part at all. He is calculated and cunning. His dismissal of you is merely a tool for him, his final act to get you where he needs you to be. Desperate and clinging to hold on to what you had. To show him that you can not live without him. It is his biggest high, his biggest source of supply. Afterwards, he will begin to tell you that you are crazy, he will play the cat and mouse game until you start believing yourself that you are indeed crazy, he must be right. Never give this animal that power. Once he has it, he will destroy you, because he wants to and can. As far as the harassment that you are experiencing from others associated with him, block all of them. Do not respond, or fuel the fire. Heed caution when dealing with these people. You have read, I am sure, that when you encounter a narcissist, to run. There is a reason why you are told to run. If you don't, you will find your self crippled, unable to function in the world you once knew. If you let this continue, this is where you will find yourself. It is unfortunate, but inevitable. My best advice to you, read as much as you can about this disorder, form "no contact" and stay close to the forum. As hard as it is to resist him, please do. Like I said before, put your heart aside and let your gut do the thinking for you. Stay strong my friend.
Oct 2 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Teresa
Teresa's picture

Many thanks Sparrow

I know??? How could he think it appropriate to deliver a shock like that in an email. I'm actually glad he is so overt about things, as it made them easy to spot. My initial thought was he cares too much, and just broke it off since he doesn't want a commitment. So how naive is that? Other things he mentioned when his guard was down also led me to believe he was belittled and controlled by his father. He's never said much about his mother...only that his father was lucky to have her. whatever the case, I'm on the right road, and appreciate everyone's support.
Oct 2 - 7AM
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Teresa

From the description you have given he sounds like a narcissist/psychopath to me. The main things in your post that jumped out at me were: 1) The cruel way he dismissed you via a message, which shows a grosse lack of empathy, 2) The speed with which he decided he didn't want you, then wanted you back, which shows how impulsive he is, 3) The way he talks about his ex-girlfriends, with the suggestion that these other women are "obsessed", shows that he can't take any responsibility for his actions and that he has put the blame onto others in a way that is very cruel towards these women who have clearly been left heartbroken by his ruthless behaviour. Now that you have realised this it is very important to stop listening to the things he says (the manipulative language) and instead, focus on his behaviour. He said that there is something about you and he "can't let go", but his recent behaviour shows that he CAN let go very easily. He claims that he loves you, but someone who truly loved you would never cancel arrangements, let alone end your relationship, in such a disrespectful and uncaring manner. He is telling you that he is "sorry". The most sincere apology that a person can give you is to never repeat the behaviour that hurt you. If he does repeat it, then you can be sure that his apology was nothing more than "acting", designed to get his immediate needs met and with no thought whatsoever of how any of this might affect you. He is telling you that these other women are obsessed with him, so the chances are that he has been saying the same thing about you to other people. This would explain why people are messaging you to say that your "behavior won't be tolerated". I know that this will be difficult to hear but, from my own experience of suffering the behaviour of a man like this, it is my opinion that in this situation, what we need more than anything is honesty. Hope this helps. xxx
Oct 2 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

P.S. Teresa

I have to add something about the way he explained to you that he was seeing someone else and so it "wouldn't be right" for you to stay with him. This is an absolutely classic example of the way that the narcissist/psychopath manipulates us. He has discarded you at a moment's notice, dismissed the fact that you had spent money on a plane ticket and had spent time making plans and coldly broken your heart, all whilst boasting about his wonderful achievement in getting a new girlfriend. During the undertaking of this disgusting and disrespectful behaviour, he then has the audacity to take the moral highground by commenting that, allowing you to stay with him just "wouldn't be right". This is a deliberate ploy designed to focus your attention on his character in such a way that he forces you see past his abhorrent behaviour and view this as a noble act, all done with decorum and taste. This is exactly how the narcissist operates in order to come out smelling of roses. They are expert manipulators and we MUST learn to see their game.
Oct 2 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
Teresa
Teresa's picture

Thank you,Nemises

....for all the insites. Of course you are correct. There were other times too when he has talked about doing the 'honorable thing'in a situation.(none regarding our relationship) A good way to throw me off my guard and admire him for it. I'm learning quickly how muc I have to learn. Hugs
Oct 2 - 3AM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Teresa, our stories are not

Teresa, our stories are not so unalike. I wrote about mine in the "share your story" forum and, should you read it, you'll see in it a lot of basic similarities. I, too, was in a long-distance relationship, and I, too, got the emotional run-around that made me feel like I was living on a roller coaster. One moment he was there and supportive of me, the next he would disappear for days at a time with no explanation. One day he would would break it off with me in a rage, the next day he loved me again. (And, oh yeah -- he also kicked me off of his facebook page, even though I was his supposed fiancee!) The more time went by, the worse these manipulations became. I was reduced to crawling on my knees, waiting for him to throw me a crumb of affection, praying that he would let me back into his heart in real way, but he only became more distant and cold with each passing month. None of his stories ever made sense, all of them seemed designed to exploit my endless feelings of love and compassion for him, yet he offered me no sympathy in return for my own pain and suffering. I began to feel my independence and sense of self slipping away -- it seemed as though my only purpose was to be his mirror, to reflect his thoughts and feelings about himself, and nothing more. I was ashamed of the creature I had become, forever groveling at his feet, but I loved him and couldn't let him go, even as my mental and physical health began to deteriorate. Every day I agonized, wishing I had the strength to just walk away. When I finally worked up the courage to do just that, he sucked me back in, saying that he needed me. Of course, loving him as I did, I couldn't just leave him in his time of need, so I stayed for more manipulation, more silent treatment, more lies, more betrayal, until one day he broke it off with me in the most cruel and horrible way, calling me vicious names and accusing me of being a terrible and disgusting human being. My advice is not to stick around for this. Listen to your instincts -- there is something definitely NOT right with this man. It may cause you great suffering to walk away, it may feel almost impossible as he tries to claw you back, but trust me -- he will only hurt you again until, eventually, he discards you for good. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with one of these creatures. Stay strong -- you can and will survive this pain. Hugs xoxo
Oct 2 - 4AM (Reply to #6)
Teresa
Teresa's picture

Thanks Dulcy

Luckily, his behavior has not paralyzed me, and I know it is all his doing. He's never called me names, but at times he uses graphic words during sex. Other times he is gentle. Sounds like I'm making excuses for him. I'm still being pulled back and forth, but I will find a way to walk away.
Oct 2 - 2AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

welcome!

I am amazed that he told you the truth about the affair he had! This is very un-Narc like but his lack of depth and empathy is a clue... You may be lucky if you have a self-revealing Narc - less trauma than sifting through all the lies trying to determine what was real and what was fake...but still painful. Good luck to you on this journey and hang in there! My Narc of 10 plus years moved away and invited me to come see him a year ago last Sept (2010) in his new city and then never called me again until June 2011. Never even said please do not come - just forgot 10 years in about 6 weeks and ran off seeking fame and new supply (which he gets plenty of). they are freaks! he even left his dog...
Oct 2 - 2AM (Reply to #4)
Teresa
Teresa's picture

Conundrum

Being new to all this, I'm not sure what a self revealing Narc is, other than the obvious. I'll have to look at the symptoms. Thing is, he told me about being with another woman too, a one time thing. There is the problem with this, since it's the first lie he's admitted, and now I'm not sure about anything he has ever said. Also, he will not answer some direct questions I ask him, not just ones of a personal nature. I see this now as a lie concealed is still a lie. We'll see.
Oct 2 - 2AM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Teresa, welcome to the site!

Teresa, welcome to the site! There is a reason why you found it, and a reson why you joined not even a day ago. I believe that before one joins here, most of us have read many posts already. You say you found a lot of descriptions that match your situation. If it looks like a rat, smells like a rat, acts like a rat - what do you think it is???? While experiences may seem to vary in severity, there is no such thing as 'a little bit of rat'. And a mouse may not be looking or smelling like a rat, but just behaving like one is not a healthy or genuine thing either. So educate yourself about YOUR situation (not his!!!), read as much as you can, watch Sam Vaknin, Thomas Sheridan, and all those other videos on abuse. And stay here with us. Ab-used, no matter what distance, but you are not alone!
Oct 2 - 2AM (Reply to #2)
Teresa
Teresa's picture

Thanks!

Thanks 58 for your kind words. The rat analogy is a good one indeed. I read posts on this site last night for hours. I think it's the first site I've read in depth, but I've been googling symptoms for weeks. The first site I looked at nailed it right on the head, and gave me a starting place. Last night a light bulb went on in my head as I was reading this site. I know now I'm not alone, haven't lost my mind, and feel comfortable here as everyone seems so supportive.