Pride and Shame's Story

20 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Sep 9 - 4PM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Pride and Shame's Story

I was completely swept away by him. His presence, his charm, his appearance. He was handsome and adorable, sometimes a little boy, other times an Alpha Male. He invaded my life, ignored my boundaries, spoke of soul mates and unconditional love. I was the most beautiful, the smartest, had an awesome personality. He made me feel giddy, charged, electrified, emotionally intoxicated. Exhilarating waves of excitement coursed through my body when I thought of him. I questioned, how could this be? How could I never have experienced this before? I thought I knew how romantic love began, becoming physically and emotionally attracted to a man. I had had wonderful relationships with very good men. This was very different. It was dramatic, intense, all-encompassing. Could this possibly be what poets wrote about and singers sang about? Was what I was feeling the source of inspiration for the great love stories of all time? If so, I believed. I was all in.

Sometimes he was formally polite, chivalrous almost. His intellect intrigued me to no end. For the first time ever I felt I’d met my equal. He was charming and witty. He spoke to me about his life. He flirted and whispered. His written words, the way he thought, the strangely familiar way he responded to me, all resounded in the depths of my being. Sometimes he was adorable and naughty. We taunted and teased each other. Other times he took charge by mock ordering me around. He would say outlandish things about his manner, his good looks, his sexual prowess – and then laugh at himself, making me laugh. He could also be vulnerable, making me feel almost maternal. Was he possibly “the one”? Had I met my “other”. I couldn’t get enough of him, I wanted to be with him 24/7. I thought about him upon awaking and when I lay down to sleep, and all the time in between.

Strange and confusing behavior began to happen. As much as he professed his love, he began to distance himself physically and emotionally. We would be enjoying something together and he would be far away in his head, staring into space. It served to intrigue me even more. Who was this complex man, what was this darkness in him? Previous relationships? Family history? I tried to figure it out. I wanted to understand. I tried to become closer emotionally and he would pull ever so slightly away, almost imperceptibly. I see these things much more in hindsight. Sometimes he just wouldn’t respond at all in an emotional context. I was connecting with him, but there was an unmistakable line in the sand. Instinctively I knew there was a point I could not go beyond. I couldn’t hold him accountable for little inconsistencies or small missed commitments without him becoming unnecessarily angered. Things not nearly enough to argue about at the time, it only adds up now in hindsight. He didn’t seem to want to know me like I wanted to know him. He seemed content to know me at present, but didn’t ask about my past or my future goals and dreams. He wasn’t proactive, I made our plans. Sometimes he seemed quite bemused by my taking the lead. This also put him in a position where he could criticize my choices, which he began to do. Physically, however, the relationship was very confirming. It was very sexual – our sexual expression and shared passion proved our rightness, overrode any doubt.

As time went on, I observed that he didn’t seem to want to spend just any of his abundant free time with me. He allocated certain times to me, like he was divvying it out. He seemed to like to appear mysterious about his whereabouts and his activities. Plus, he was starting to demean and belittle things he had previously complimented. My appearance, my material possessions, my intelligence. There seemed to be envy on his part of my activities, my friends, my lifestyle. I was trying harder and harder to meaningfully engage with him, to continue to interest him, please him. He seemed to be slipping through my fingers. Didn’t he realize that I was the one? I was everything he wanted, or so he had said, and I was in love. I had become addicted to him. It was my life in technicolor when I was with him and there was my life in black and white when I was not. Those became my two reality modes. The harder I tried to figure out his contradictions, the deeper I got into his head. It wasn’t making sense, and I tried over and over to understand. Endlessly, obsessively. In trying to walk in his shoes, to see where he was coming from, I found myself going deeper and deeper into an abyss where I very nearly lost my way. It was a swirling mass of inconsistencies, contradictions, seething anger, bitterness, sarcasm, toxic rage. I very rarely give up on anything, this was to be no exception. I was determined to make this wondrous union work, to prove to him how wonderful we were and could be. For some reason he couldn’t see it anymore, but I, I alone, would be the one who would make him see ... And that undertaking very nearly destroyed me. Driven by empathy and my desire for understanding, I got into his head and stayed too long in a distortion of reality that was poisonous. Because it was not my reality I almost needed to suspend mine in order to try to understand him. I became more and more like him, unhealthy, and less like myself. I lost my reality, my Self, in that evil distortion. His reality was a twisted and distorted hall of mirrors.

I am almost a year NC. For the first few months I was catatonic, unfocused, I could barely go through the daily motions of getting out of bed, preparing meals, working, thinking. The everyday maintenance of my life was difficult. I replayed every conversation, relived every shared experience, remembered when we were together sexually. Where had it gone so wrong? What could I have done differently? It had so much promise, potential beyond belief, and now it was over and I was devastated. I had no energy, no spark, no real feeling for life for months and months and months. I finally began to read about personality disorders, to educate myself about narcissism, psychopathy. I began therapy and started antidepressants. I found this forum. I had mostly bad days, and then would have a good thought or two. That positive shard of something other than misery kept me going. I went from thinking about him 99.9% of the time to 98% to 97%. The incremental improvement took months and sometimes went backward. I felt destroyed. I thought my life had been irrevocably damaged.

I very much wanted to believe that I’d had an experience with a narcissistic person. Everything fit. It would explain so much. The pattern of idealization, the cruel and pointless devaluation behaviors, the abrupt discard (two sentences) and its ruinous aftermath for me. Amazingly, to this day, I still cannot accept it fully. Still, in my heart of hearts I have hope that he will call me and apologize. I dream of him telling me that he can’t live without me, that he is miserable and thinking of me all the time. That he realizes his mistakes. I want to hear him say that he really knows now that I am everything he could ever want. I want everything that he told me at the beginning to be real. I want the fairytale. Someone else is getting the fairytale now. My mind knows this, my heart has to be told over and over.

NC teaches you that he is disordered, incapable of real love. Real love is mutual, respectful, honest, real. NC gives you time, distance, education, perspective. It’s necessary. You don’t have to be proactive, you don’t have to force yourself to take care of yourself – I didn’t – although it may help. I felt worthless and really didn’t care to thrive for a very long time. Like everything else, what works for one might not work for another. However, and this is the cardinal rule, you have to resist the temptation to have contact with him. This is gutwrenching. It goes against everything you’ve been told about following your heart, being kind to others, taking the high road, being forgiving. It’s supremely selfish. 11 months later, I’m just finally starting to believe that I’ve had an experience with a psychopath, a narcissist. It really happened to me in real life, this isn’t a movie. I’ve moved from living in the depths of misery to seeing some fleeting light and a path forward. I still cry. There is a certain physical feeling, like a panic attack, which happens when I think I will never see him again that I truly dread feeling, so I avoid sentimental movies, songs, emotionally-charged events. I have wanted to contact him every single minute of the last 11 months. I don’t know where the strength comes not to. My damaged soul knows that I cannot. I force myself to overrule my heart and let my head rule, sometimes on a minute my minute basis. I have read almost everything on this forum, not knowing if I would ever feel like participating. The pain and honesty that you have shared through your stories has helped to save me. It has been cathartic writing down my story. Thank you all so very much. We are all survivors and I salute every single one of you.

Sep 12 - 1PM
X-Girlfriend of...
X-Girlfriend of an Imaginary Man's picture

GASP! We wasted so much TIME with these idiots!

I love that name "Pride and Shame!" Anyway, how is it possible for all of the smart women here in this group to be so romantically dumb? I had the SAME DEAL as you, plus I later discovered that he could not relate to me AT ALL without being jealous, as if he wanted to BE ME! Plus, he'd been secretly dealing with Strippers, Call Girls, escorts, previous girlfriends who had married other guys, and even much older women (hey, I am 50 years old) he had met/known before he met me. I think my Mr. Wonderful was himself a Call Boy in the past? Imagine, a former Call Boy with a PhD who works in a very distinguished industry! I had NO IDEA about these details when I met him, because he told me that I was The One. But he could not help himself because his EGO required attention from new women, previous women and old women. It's so easy to walk away when you WAKE UP to his so-called reality.
Sep 12 - 1AM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Thank you

Thank you for the warm welcome - a virtual group hug back to all of you!! I treasure every one of your comments. I laughed (Hunter) and teared up reading them. Yes, a neighborhood none of us chose to be in, but here we all are. Thank you for your kind words and support.
Sep 11 - 4PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Welcome Pride and Shame

Thank you for sharing with such amazing depth and honesty!! Like the others, I feel like I could have written your story verbatim...although nowhere near as eloquently as poignantly as you have. I am sorry for what you endured, but glad that you have found this place. Look forward to more of your amazing insights and thank you again for sharing! Peace and healing, Rose
Sep 11 - 4PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Pride, I am utterly

speechless! This is the truth of it all! The gut-wrenching, walking on the moon and dancing on the surface of the sun truth of being involved with a psycho freak! I am so sorry you had this experience but I am so glad you are on The Path Forward and have landed here. You are strong and resilient, obviously, and it will pay off and keep getting better and better. Your spirit was not crushed by this poor, disordered empty hollow shell. I am so grateful for that! Thank you for writing the unvarnished truth. You are an outstanding writer and a very smart, strong woman. That's why he chose you and that's why he can't have you. Hugs and good vibes to you for continued strength and peace of mind from, (not) spinning. BUT BREATHLESS AT THE DEPTH OF EMOTION YOU COVEY IN YOUR STORY!

spinning

Sep 11 - 8AM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Welcome P&S

Thank you for your story and yes, like everyone else has intimated, so like mine. You have reached a place of safety where your confusion, anxiety and depression will lift because you have finally realised that you are not alone. As you are already aware, we gain strength from each other on this forum and it is an eye opener and lifesaver. Healing is hard work but the results are so liberating. Wishing you a speedy journey. Dee x
Sep 11 - 7AM
Jannie In the Sun
Jannie In the Sun's picture

Pride & Shame

Thanks for being a part of this group and sharing that story. Our collective stories sound so similar don't they? They all help us to realize that we are not the crazy ones and once grounded and educated we can heal and grow! Hugs and good luck!
Sep 11 - 7AM
sara g
sara g's picture

You have written so

beautifully, describing every of his stages and your reactions as if they were mine. At times I had to stop reading what you wrote for a while because your words expressed my emotions so well. It can never be said enough that they are all the same. It's like they spend so much energy luring us in and then use even more energy to break us. Feeling catatonic is a word that I am now known for amongst friends and family. Like there is just no more energy because the shock of what they have done is so extreme. I just hope that for all of us, there will be a time when they are just a remote memory, a disease that we once had and that we become stronger after overcoming it. I wait for indifference so that all of us can finally see life without having the aftermath of what they have done to us taint our vision. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope that you will recover knowing that you are special because you survived being the victim of a psychopath.
Sep 10 - 1PM
Anabelle
Anabelle's picture

thank you for sharing this.

thank you for sharing this. You talked out of my heart.... I think the most difficult task is to accept that he is an N. And live a life without that imaginary man, who was real for a few months... because the next one has to be very close to that person, who was the manifestation of your dream, but turned into your worst nightmare... Hugs
Sep 10 - 1PM
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

wow

so well written. like reading my own story. sorry for your pain, but congrats on your progress!!! you've let yourself heal, now go find a new man to do things with! Nobody's perfect.. prince charmings don't exist. Thats what narcs are at first, prince charming from a disney movie. and it's all fake, because fairytales don't exist. Normal guys have got to be so much better.
Sep 9 - 6PM
How could I
How could I's picture

Very well written

Very well written P & S!! I am so sorry that you went through this, but in reading it, I was thinking - is she writing this for me? How did you manage to break free from him?
Sep 9 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Being Free of Him

I'm physically free of him, but I'm not emotionally free of him. This is the hardest part for me. For a (very) little while, he would text and leave messages, but there was never anything of substance - no sincerity, no apologies, no remorse. If it even once sounded genuine I would have responded. That's the Pride part. In my gut, I know I deserve better, I'm worth more, we all are. It's the Shame part that tells us we aren't, our insecurities, our deep-seated vulnerabilities that get so abused and trampled on with these people. I keep thinking that this might well be my life's challenge, emotionally. Why did this happen to me? There just has to be something good that rises from the ashes, right?
Sep 9 - 6PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN, I COULD

BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN, I COULD HAVE WRITTEN EVERY WORD OF THIS ABOUT MY OWN SITUATION. THIS MAKES ME THINK, ARE THEY ALL STAMPED OF THE SAME MOULD, THEY SEEM TO BE. THERE MUST BE A NARC MANUAL SOMEWHERE. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME HOW PERSUASIVE AND ADDICITVE THEY ARE. IT MAKES ME REALISE THAT ANY CONTACT, HOWEVER DISTANT, IS SO DANGEROUS. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, THE SURVIVORS OF NARCDOM!
Sep 9 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Pride & Shame

Who is this wonder woman! Wow! Very well written! I'm glad you shared, you just described all of us! Please participate, there are lots of Newbies struggling! Your wise words will be helpful! Rock on Hunter
Sep 9 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

No Wonder Woman ...

... I'm as mortal as everyone here. I was so looking forward to your "Welcome to Narcville", Hunter. Seems so validating. I'm actually happy to be part of the group. Feels like I've found "my people" - it's been a lonely journey.
Sep 11 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sounds like you shut the door

Sounds like you shut the door and locked yourself out of Narcville to me!! No welcome necessary! We don't want you in this neighborhood, it's the wrong side of town! :) Wahooooo! Hunter
Sep 11 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

what a woman you are..

You were definitely the victim of a psychopath and a moron. How else could he have possibly ever have left such a fantastic woman as you? You are amazing. Wonderful. You are the spokesperson for everybody today. Thank you for writing this. Your story was word for word mine...doesn't matter what the sexual inclination is, the narc is still a narc. Please try and forget about this creature. He was never worthy of you. Of the depth of your feelings, your heart, your mind. You are amazing. Unique. Don't waste a minute more thinking about him please. There are so many wonderful men out there who deserve a woman like you. Who would know how to treat you, to worship you, to cherish you, love you. What he gave you was not love. We dont even know what it was they gave us, but whatever it was it's long gone. We have to look ahead. You weren't expecting him to cross your path when he did. There will be another man, a better man, a real human being who will cross your path one day when you least expect it. You will reach out to him. He will reach out to you. And that moment in your life that came before will soon cease to interest or concern you any longer. Big hug. Jeff ps: I wish I were straight again...I would chase you and catch you and never ever let you go!
Sep 12 - 1AM (Reply to #4)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Jeff

Why aren't all men like you?? You give me hope. Hug to you!
Sep 12 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
Jeff
Jeff's picture

Give in

The pain and longing come in waves for me. Even after I shut down emotionally with him. At the beginning they were big waves and I was drowning in tears and sorrow. Like you. Then gradually the waves get smaller and further apart. But they still come. And the tears are still there. Just not so much and so often. It helps to cry a little once in a while. Like writing here. You havent done it before so you are still holding a lot inside. You have to keep letting it out. Tears and this site. Every time the thought hits you write it down and send it here. Eventually you will get tired of telling your story over and over. You will eventually find that you can tell it as if it happened to someone else. A long time ago. Keep reminding yourself of all the little things you didnt like about him from the start and all the little things that he did that were selfish, childish, foolish and insensitive all along the way. There were lots Im sure. And remember that he is doing the same with someone else. Nothing different. The same routine. He is trapped in behaviour patterns that he cannot control, cannot modify, he has no choice. He's alone, trapped in his destructive mindset, a mouse on a wheel, running running going nowhere. Destined to this kind of existence forever. That's what it means to be mentally sick. You are not sick. You have the choice. You can adapt, grow move ahead blossom, survive and flourish thanks to past experience. Allow yourself to follow this natural human progression. Dont force yourself to stay on the wheel. Get out of the cage and move on. All the best for a new day full of new experiences. Jeff
Sep 13 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Trapped

Trapped on a wheel in the hamster cage. That's EXACTLY how I feel. I feel like I'm going over and over and over the same thoughts, endlessly trying to rationalize it, trying to frame it so I can pack it away in storage in my mind. Once I got over those big waves of pain, like you, the raw emotional trauma of it seemed to lessen. After a few months of that stage, I felt like I could handle it on my own, and wanted to fully feel it so I could finally be done with it, so I stopped the anti-depressant fog. That was the first crutch I thought I could do without. I rationalized that extra social drinking for a while too long last winter, too. The alcohol fog doesn't help. It's not even him anymore, does that make sense? It's not even the stupid fake relationship which was 110% me and less than 10% him. He's not worth it, as he told me, and now I finally believe. It's all on me, now. It's like he was the embodiment of stuff that I have been repressing for a very long time. It's buried so deep I can't even get to it, but I'm crying now as I write this. Painful stuff that I can't define. We get so caught up in the busyness of our lives that it seems when something stops you dead in your tracks like these encounters you need to really examine it instead of just getting distracted by the busyness again. It can't be just pointless, a random accident and a huge waste of time and energy.