Did anyone else's N critcize their sexual skills?

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Sep 5 - 1AM (Reply to #23)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

CaminoReal, mine was very suggestive too

About all kinds of naughty deeds he wanted me and us to do, movie theatre stuff, etc. I felt self-conscious bc I always felt judged or watched. Like I was going to be rated. I think we only climaxed once together, and that is so rare, and I think I said that to him bc I felt that was going to be a complaint. That time and others though, I was making sure by stimulating myself. I think he was not used to that though, bc maybe his other women just did without it. However, according to statistics I read, clitoral stimulation of some kind is necessary, but based on his criticism of me not having an O by oral sex with HIM, I think he was doubting that women should need contact with sex too. I hope that makes sense. Stories? What kind of stories? And yes, he was an a**hole to compare you!
Sep 4 - 11PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Ok....stop. Take a breath.

Ok....stop. Take a breath. First...he never made you climax? Um, be glad he's gone lol :=P that's to make you laugh. Second...caligirl. These guys are all master manipulators. They blame their lack of EVERYTHING on someone else. You didn't lack anything. Here's something to think about. He just wasn't the right one for you. If you keep making it simple, and stop overthinking what you could have done, should have said...wished you had been...you'll see. This was the right thing to happen. He's gone. He wasn't the right one for you. You are now FREE to find a good man who loves you for you.
Sep 5 - 1AM (Reply to #20)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Deidre, thank you!

I so needed to hear that! He did think he was Cassanova and anything lacking couldn't possibly be bc of him! Prior to my d&d, we didn't even talk about the satisfaction of the sex, so I had no clue when he dissed on me! The first time we had sex, I asked him if we was nervous, and he said "nope" in a very cocky tone. The first time wasn't even romantic or intimate. He was all over me like white on rice. I felt manhandled. I mean we had waited 8 months for that moment. I remember I was crawling into bed and flipping around to get situated onto the bed, and he grabs me and says, "Oh no you don't" and holds me on my knees, so he could go for my a**. Yeh, totally romantic. He was so lacking on emotion!!
Sep 5 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
needing2know
needing2know's picture

My ex did that to me so many

My ex did that to me so many times, I feel like I was raped! Then he would say "you know you like it" Sick fuck! he never french kissed, (don't think he knows how) he tried to do oral but he had no idea what he was doing, about the last yr I faked orgasms because I just wanted him off of me! so if he thought he got me off he would go off, but the last 6 months he would go off within maybe 10 min! The only way he could keep it up for longer than 15 min was if he took his pain killers, then he would make it maybe 20 lol the first time we had sex he went off as soon as he made contact! he always just laid there, I always had to do the owrk he never did, so I was always on top or we would be in the spooning position! It sucked. he prefered Bj over sex any day, maybe because it was all about him . never said anything bad to me because he always got what he wanted, he told me no other woman has ever givin in to him like I did.
Sep 4 - 11PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

No mine was the most

accepting uncritical, and in bed, sweetest person I ever met - part of the charm - never said a bad word about me and never cursed me out (well just once in 12 years). He is either very easy going or silent and cold - never verbally mean
Sep 5 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
How could I
How could I's picture

Mine too!

He was always gentle, tender, a fabulous kisser. He loved to hug and cuddle. Always wanted to know what would please me.
Sep 5 - 2AM (Reply to #17)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Mine too.

He was sensitive and kind in bed. His only problem, which was a problem in most area of our relationship, was that he never felt like I appreciated him. So even when we were doing it twice a week, (and that's a lot when you start having babies!), he would wonder why we never had sex. I ended up keeping track on a calendar just to show him he was wrong. He would instigate all the time but for me having little babies nursing, twice a week was it for me. He had other issues around not feeling loved. No matter what I did, cards, flowers, gifts, saying over and over how much I loved and appreciated him, nothing made a difference. Once it was: you don't decorate! You don't make this house a home! So, ok... I decorate. It makes no difference. On and on he would make requests of me that would 'show' him that I loved him. And each time nothing made a difference and I was losing myself if the quest to make him happy. I'm off the sex topic! Sex was good. It is always nice to have sex with someone who you love and who you can feel safe with. I did have that with him. But not anymore. I will never share my precious body and heart with that black hole hearted man. Sad. He was lucky to have me.
Sep 4 - 8PM
Okay1150
Okay1150's picture

Trust me - it isn't you

When I first met my last NARC, the sex was incredible. Over time it got less and less. Partly due to medical problems with him. But of course I got the blame. He said my touch repulsed him. After 5 years of no affection or sex, I had an affair. It was great! I am overweight and my NARC made me feel totally unsexy. The lover couldn't get enough of me and said my body was beautiful and voluptuous. And he has the body of an athlete. Thanks to him I now have the courage to leave the NARC (and him because I am moving out of state).
Sep 4 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Okay1150

You gave me hope. Sorry you had to go thru this. You deserve better and glad you're moving on from the narc. I look forward to the day when sex will feel like making love again and have intimacy bc it NEVER did with my exN. Really, even the first time I felt like an object, but at the time, I thought it was passionate and fun, if that makes sense. He had a kinky, twisted side which felt dangerous. I could never begin to list some of the things he was into, and they might even identify me. He has a sexual addiction too I'm pretty sure. Thanks for your support! I think getting thru this is a huge hurdle in my healing.
Sep 4 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

although I still feel it was my fault

Because I couldn't relax with him and bc his extreme sexuality made me feel like he I couldn't trust him. In the end he was talking about all the bj's he'd get wherever and anytime he wanted in the past. He'd talk about wanting sex in various places, etc.
Sep 4 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

I nearly had an affair last

I nearly had an affair last year. My heart wasn't in it, but he sure made me feel like I was alive again. I cut it off with him before anything happened because I felt so guilty about it. Sometimes I wish I had gone further so that I would have been moved to leave LAST YEAR instead of now. I'm wasting my life away! You inspire me that there is hope for me (US)!!
Sep 4 - 7PM
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

an orgasm is a state of mind

an orgasm is a state of mind for a woman it's not your fault he is LOUSY at making you come!!! if you were fine before him, you'll be fine after him just give yourself some time hugs
Sep 4 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Thanks, farmgirl!

He acts like an expert and brought up porn. Being a state of mind for women is what a male friend told me. I didn't feel comfortable, safe, like I could let my hair down. I'm more worried about the straight vaginal O, bc for that I need more direct stim, unless there's foreplay and connection. That's normal, no? Honestly, his oral was a bit rough at times. I just hope he didn't give me a complex in the future:(
Sep 4 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
FarmGirl
FarmGirl's picture

Mine never kisses me or

Mine never kisses me or engages in any foreplay whatsoever. He did a LITTLE in the beginning but still not much. His oral is rough too and not very satisfying either. Thank the goddesses that we don't do much in the way of sex at all anymore, I couldn't hide my disgust at this point lol We are probably messed up for future sex, however we can hopefully find men who will take the time to show us how it's done (right).
Sep 4 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

OMG, that's exactly like my exN,

Kissing stopped or was so rare. He got really selfish and just went straight to intercourse. I wouldn't even be ready yet, but he hated lubricants except his spit. Sorry if TMI. Ok, I read that 50-75% women need clitoral stimulation to achieve O. That's comforting, I think. It said most women who do have an O during, still need to be in a certain position where the clitoris is being contacted. Honestly, I think they did probably mess us up a bit, but hopefully the next guy is understanding and gentle. I used to tell mine softer with oral, but it didn't do any good! My friend said he probably got his technique from watching too many pornos. Thank you for your reassurance and support!!!
Sep 5 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
into the light
into the light's picture

Mine thought he was the best

Mine thought he was the best lover and wanted me to tell him that. He told me early on 'I've had a lot of sex' but what he had never learned, and wouldn't take my direction on, was that women like plenty of proper foreplay, with some subtlety - he thought penetration straightaway with fingers or his dick was what made him so good. Yeah, right. He never stroked or caressed me -totally hole-fixated. I only ever climaxed with my own help. He loved doing oral on me too, but like some of you are saying, - it was too hard, too intense. I read somewhere too that narcs often can hold their erections for ages - and have problems reaching orgasm (all to do with them relating the vagina to mother). He said right at the start 'I don't always come', which was true at times - he really had to work at it (he liked moving me around into positions) and the marathon sex could be exhausting. Trouble is, I still miss the sex the most, I think, especially when he couldn't get enough of me at the start. I'm hoping he hasn't made me sex-addicted.
Sep 6 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
Totally Stunned
Totally Stunned's picture

Into the light

Did we date the same man? My ex narc was convinced he was the best lover out there - and told me once that he wanted to be the sex guru who made other women happy in bed...because, afterall, he was the best! If I didnt tell him enough how great he was, he would be upset and compliment himself for me. He could last forever during sex too, and had to move me around in diff positions. This man was totally in love with himself...and porn, and kinkyness and loved to talk to me, in amazing detail just how great he was with his wife. (I was the OW). I remember him calling me, telling me how he brought his wife to new levels the night before. brag brag brag..... So why am I missing him?
Sep 5 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

into the light, yes, as selfish as they were

It can be addictive. Mine wouldn't tell me if he did have lots of lovers in the past. In fact, he was misleading and contradictory on it. He wanted me to comment on the size of his d*ck all the time, but I wouldn't, though it WAS big. He would brag about it a lot, so I stood my resolve not to comment. I think you could be right about N's having stamina and marathon sex. Mine had an insatiable sex drive. He could just go and go like the energizer bunny, erections lasted forever. That is part of the addiction for me too I think. As one-sided as it was, I miss that. Yes, his body was nice and he had amazing stamina. I think this is what feeds his disorder, bc he knows his body and him have pleased other women, and it strokes his ego. He has confidence of luring women. It is comforting to know that, despite their energy, you too had to help to take care of your own needs. I just thought it was me. I always felt like if I didn't, it wasn't gonna get done. It was up to me to "get 'er done." Lol. Mine didn't really caress either and was totally hole-fixated too. He just went straight for the gusto. Lol. I sometimes remember fondly in the beginning the one time he was caressing my face, running his fingers thru my hair, when we were watching a movie. He would stare into my eyes, gaze at me watching the movie. We were laying on the sofa and his whole family was there. It was all for show. I always longed for that guy back, but he was there for two hours and poof he disappeared. He would never reappear so sweetly ever again. I hung in just waiting though. :( xx
Sep 6 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
into the light
into the light's picture

Caligirl, we have a lot in

Caligirl, we have a lot in common with our Narcs! In a way, I am pleased that he never made me come all by himself. He never had that power. I hated the way that he would sometimes talk really dirty to me and touch me up inappropriately in the cinema or pub, get me really aroused, and then when we got back to my place he would switch on TV and do NOTHING. All control. And he would never respond if I initiated. Mine was a lot younger than me and I was always conscious of that. Anyway, he then cheated on me with someone his own age. I do feel sorry for her and wonder if he will treat her the same, or maybe she will be the madonna, not the whore.
Sep 6 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

into the light, thanks for your post

Yes, our N's sound very similar, and not that I wish this on anyone, but knowing one is not alone is so comforting. That said, (((Hugs))). You bring up a good point about them not being able to make us climax without our help as a positive thing. I agree. I'm sorry your N cheated with a younger woman, but he won't change with her, and now she has to deal with his crap. You bring up the madonna/whore complex that so many N's have, which mine did, and I think the cog diss I have on this is a hurdle I must get over in my healing. I don't know which he saw me as, probably the whore. To look at me though, anyone would guess madonna, but I gave in to his perversions to keep him happy, so who knows? Mine is completely two different people, he pretends to be a good Christian man, but in the bedroom and in private he likes deviant sex. I know "normal sex" will probably pale in comparison for awhile in the future, but I hope that will go away, and be replaced with sex that is accompanied by "feelings" of closeness and "true love." During the d&d, he brings up a woman that gave him a bj while he was driving, said how good it was, and how she swallowed (he said with much more vulgarity). I have never had a problem with oral, and in fact had compliments by exs, but I did hold back with him bc I didn't finish (I think it had to do with me sensing something unsafe about him, but also bc we would then continue onto intercourse, and we weren't together long or often enough). But he acted as if he was the King, and had been spoiled by women with bj's in the past. I asked how many times he did this when driving when he started naming other women, and he said he "got it whenever he wanted" and in a snide tone, "YOU NEVER DID IT." Well, we were mostly with family in the car, and although early on I mentioned doing it while in his work truck, once I got in the truck, he was complaining that even if I talked I was distracting his focus from the road, and did I want to cause an accident, blah blah. I wanted to tell him how I did that once, maybe twice, in my early 20's, but I was too scared to lest I be judged and punished. You know when you're in your 40's it's different. To me, it was being fun and experimenting in my 20's, but never thought about it later. I married a businessman and it never came up. As an adult, well safety is an issue, and I probably wouldn't do it, unless my partner "asked," but my exN NEVER asked me! Well, how could he hold me accountable for something he never ASKED for, as if I was supposed to read his mind? My ex before exN had even complimented my skills at giving oral and said he loved that I never had any problem with finishing it and swallowing occasionally, but it was different with exN. I never defended myself when he said this. It hurt so much, I could only stand before him crying and humiliated. I was so tired from endless fighting for weeks. He looked at me smugly satisfied by my tears. Then he walked away with a smile. Sorry to be so long. It still hurts to write this. The pain I think was magnified bc he always said, "His body was mine and he has been loving me since he was 8 yo," to reassure and compare me to others. He'd always say weird sh*t like that, and it brainwashes you! :( After this, I quietly moved away.
Sep 7 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
into the light
into the light's picture

Be sure you're not alone

Be sure you're not alone Caligirl. And many hugs back. Hang on to the fact that other lovers had told you how you were in bed was good. Yeah, I also get confused on the madonna / whore thing. He liked me to look after him like his mother I guess (and his relationship with her is pretty warped and creepy - as far as I can tell - I was never allowed to meet any of his family in the 9 months of our relationship). And then he also treated me as a sex doll - different positions on different furniture. I see now that he was treating me just as a sex object, but I didn't properly face up to this at the time. So I guess he saw me as both madonna and whore. WHY I put up with his horrible, perverted behaviour is what I am exploring now. I'm doing the work. Like you, I was too focused on 'keeping him happy' and I was forgetting about what made me happy. And everyone sees me as a woman who knows her own mind! And just like your N being a 'good Christian', mine loves to project his favourite persona of a new age spiritual guru figure. Spiritual? He has no soul, so that's a laugh.
Sep 8 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

into the light, thank you

For your kind words. I will try to hang on to what exs in the past have said. My exN used to TALK more about what he would like to do, and much of it was as if I was merely an object. Ironically enough, we never spent much time together in a normal life or alone in a normal life. He was rarely home, and then spent some time on the road. When home, his dad and son were there. The time on the road was filled with push/pull, hot/cold, and withholding behavior, and much chaos, confusion, and emotional/verbal abuse. I'm not sure why. Because mine talked so sexually and wanting kinky things, I suppose I was manipulated into believing he just knew more. He initially lead me to believe he was what he called wholesome and not too wild or experienced, and yet in the end, sounding the opposite, the ladies man and lots of women around town. Yet, he left me unsatisfied, so I doubt his knowledge. He doesn't look like the "nice" boy, so it was truly a complete mindf*ck, and I feel I don't really know this man, so how can I say I love or loved him? I guess it'll never make sense. I have to accept that I can never know. I think he was the bad, experienced guy though. I just want to move on and forget this experience with a disordered, pathological person, and someday find someone who treats me with respect.