all used up's Story

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#1 Jul 29 - 8PM
allusedup
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all used up's Story

I am extremely embarrassed to admit this, but I need to get it out. I had an "affair" relationship with a man for 14 months. I was in a dead end marriage and contemplating divorce when I met this man. Ironically, he was also in a dead end relationship that he had been in for six years. Our relationship very quickly became sexual, we spent hours texting and emailing back and forth. Within 4 months, I had seperated from my husband and filed for divorce. One month later, he moved out and into a friends house. Things were wonderful! I had never felt like this with anyone...ever! After three weeks, he approached me about moving in. I explained that I was not ready for that big of a move, and could we possibly get thru the holidays. Instantly, things changed. Within days, he told me that things between us weren't working out. And he had decided to move back in with his ex. I had no idea at the time that he was an N. So I did not follow the no contact rule. Within two weeks, he was texting me again. I was his "princess", "we are meant for each other", "you are my life....the best thing that ever happened to me". I asked him if he was ever planning on leaving her and he said yes, but did not know when. He told me he had a plan. And asked me to be patient. Over the next few months, things were so different. We argued constantly, he would tell me to "chill" and let things happen. At one point, he even called me a bitch. But immediately after, text to tell me how sorry he was and to please forgive him. Finally in June, around midnight one night, I received a text asking me to pick him up. He lived about 30 miles from my home. He was at a bar, and they had gotten into an argument and she had told him not to come home. Of course I complied. It was what I had been waiting for for months. He started moving in immediately. While here, he was not the man I knew. He would spend all evening on the computer. Or watching tv, or playing on his cell phone. (so he says) He drank every night. He would sleep till noon. One night, he told me he was going to the gas station with a friend and a half hour later I got a text saying they were at a bar. I text him and told him that if it was going to be like this to just stay at his friends house. Well...he came home. Drunk and in a rage. Calling me a bitch, that I am not a Queen and this is not my kingdom. That how dare I get pissed off because he went out with a friend. The next day, he asked if we could talk. He told me he loved me, wanted me to be his wife. Even went to the extent of talking to my 20 year old son, and telling him how much he loved me. One night, we were watching a movie and he stood up to leave. I noticed he was on his cell. When I asked where he was going, another rage started. He told me he simply wanted to go for a walk. An hour later his car was gone. I called and begged him to come home. He did...with another rage. He had been drinking. This time, he went on about me not talking to him, laying on the couch, talking to my son more than I did him. That it was no wonder I didn't have any friends because I was so antisocial and thought I was better than everyone else. I had reached my point and threw a pepsi can at him. He left for the bar. About 3 days later, I noticed he had blocked me from facebook. And when I asked him about it, he told me he had no idea what or why that had happened. Well, looking further I realized that him and his ex were now fb friends again. (she had deleted him) When I questioned him, he became angry and told me that he still wanted to be friends with her. And he needed to keep a relationship because they were raising her grandson together. I told him I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. After a few hours, I apologized and asked him if we could please work on it....he said no. The next day, he told me he was still in love with his ex. And he moved out. This woman does have a better job than me. I know she buys his beer and tobacco. While here he discovered how I am struggling financially. But it did not seem to be bother him when I paid his child support to keep him out of jail or pay his car insurance because the ex had it cancelled. He is broke! He even brought his cat when he came, and I still have her. He claims the cat likes me, and he wants her to have a good home. Really...who leaves a pet? The sex with him was amazing in the beginning. Although, he before leaving had confided in me about some sexual fantasies that he gets into. He also said that he believes I am not "freaky" enough for him. I remember a story about him and his ex wife "switching". She ended up having a nervous break down and filed for divorce before she even got out of the hospital. He was a hoarder, an alcoholic, seemed to be bi polar, but until now did not know I was dealing with a N! And I guess I'm still in shock about this. I'm still questioning if he is. I am smarter than this! I really am! He had me believing that he loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I guess, he meant, as long as I could take care of us financially, and give him his freaky sex. I apologize for the length of this. I would love any input I can get. Because right now I'm still feeling like I screwed up...and used up!

Aug 1 - 11PM
allusedup
allusedup's picture

I have to vent! My ex-N's

I have to vent! My ex-N's class reunion was this past weekend. Of course I saw all kinds of pics posted on facebook. ( I have blocked him, these were a mutual friends) Here this son of a bitch was, drinking, dancing, grinding with other girls, having a great time! While I am here, barely getting out of bed, still trying to figure out what the hell happened! How in the hell did I get to this place? It makes me so mad, that he can just walk away and live his life so freely!
Jul 31 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Allusedup

Wow what a catch! They screw with your head, find a weak spot, use it to get your soul, like a vampire. They make you nuts, bottom line, would you normally put up with this kind of crap? I know I wont, but I did, Just stay away from this emotional rapist! In time you will recover. Hunter
Jul 30 - 2PM
Done sourcing
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In this case does it really

In this case does it really matter if he is a textbook Narc? I don't think so. He is a creator of confusion and chaos. He has a big problem being alone. He will use anyone to get what he wants. And what he wants seems to change with the whim, the wind, or maybe sunspots or his cats horoscope. The dysfunction and crap don't seem out of the ordinary compared to the rest of our stories. The solution is always the same. NC and move on and forward with your life without him. We have to let for of the dream fantasy of what we hoped it could have become. He got real and the masked dropped quickly after moving in. They have a hard time acting wonderful 24/7. They can't act normal because they aren't normal. BTW, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. We have all done the same or worse. You're in the right place with the right support group. Consider yourself lucky, not tto much time wasted, no marriage to dissolve, no mortgage shared to reconcile, no kids to co-parent. Get an std test and move on. ds
Jul 29 - 9PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

is he or isn't he

I don't think anyone here can answer this with 100 percent certainty. Check out the "what if he isn't a narcissist?" under blog if you have not already. As to if you are OS or NS, well I think they flip flop so much who can tell?? I think to really qualify to be NS it has be someone "brand new" and neither you nor the ex are. I don't mean to sound harsh by this please understand. I think both of you have endured some really crummy stuff at the hands of this guy. Sorry you had to go through all of this. Peace, Rose
Jul 29 - 8PM
Layla
Layla's picture

Hello! I am new here too!

Well, I have not told my story yet, as I am not sure where to begin really but if it makes you feel any better, I was with my N for 8 years, and we were married two years ago and I was dumb enough to marry him when I already knew he was a nutcase! Haha! I condider myself a reasonably intelligent woman so I must have been really screwed up myself! He discarded and devalued you many times over, and you kept on with him....you are by far not the only one who has done that in fact, devaluing and discarding is the calling card of narcissists the world over! Mine would devalue me, and discard me by disappearing for two days, and when he stopped doing that, he replaced the disappearing with the "silent treatment"......I got the disappearing before we were married, and then I got the "silent treatment" after we were married. I will be interested to see what others have to say in comment to your post. In closing, glad to see you put your story into words, I can relate to the trauma and anger and sadness and loss in your words. I too have felt all of this. Stay no contact, and learn as much as you can about narcissism. It truly helps to validate all of your feelings and your experiences with a narcissist. Peace be with you!!!
Jul 29 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
allusedup
allusedup's picture

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your comments Layla! I am beginning to think I am the insane one! Family and friends all tell me to be thankful he did me a favor and left now before it got worse. He at this point tells me he wants to be friends and nothing more. But...I am concerned how I will react if he ever does try to contact me. I am still checking my cell phone constantly. Pray for my strength!
Jul 29 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Layla
Layla's picture

Well wishes of friends and family....

That is why it is VERY important to educate yourself on narcissim....friends and family will mean well, but narcissists and those with a personality disorder (PD) are an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BREED than your "regular guy"....advise about "normal people" DO NOT apply to personality disordered persons......educate, educate, educate! And NO CONTACT! NO MATTER WHAT!!! : )
Jul 29 - 8PM
allusedup
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I forgot to mention that I

I forgot to mention that I know now, that while we were seeing each other, he had been prowling on the internet for other "princesses". While leaving with his ex. But one question....Am I considered NS or OS? I'm assuming NS, and his ex is the OS?
Jul 29 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Layla
Layla's picture

Titles

In answer to your question, I would say that his ex was his "main supply" and you were the "other woman" or OW. It is really irrelevant though. Consider yourself "Free" now! : )
Jul 29 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
allusedup
allusedup's picture

I guess the frustrating part

I guess the frustrating part is how she can be his "main supply" when supposedly they had no relationship whatsoever. He made me believe that they existed, no talking, nothing physical....WOW! And yes...I definitely need to work on the feeling FREE!! :))
Jul 29 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
allusedup
allusedup's picture

To sum it up....he only lived

To sum it up....he only lived here for three weeks!! Sooo much drama in such a short period of time. I'm feeling a little better already! ;)