The Narcissist's Hoover Maneuver

Narcissists cannot be alone. Narcissists need people more than anyone. They have very specific reasons for being in relationships, but they are not built on the universal need we all have, which is to love.

Narcissists do not enter or stay in relationships for love. Their motives are quite different. They become involved in relationships in order to ensure their needs are met and someone is always present to provide them with the attention and adoration they require in order to feel alive.

It is important to understand when ending a relationship with a Narcissist, he will inevitably come back to you looking for validation. Whether you end the relationship or he does, you will most likely hear from your Narcissist again. It may take a day, a month or years, but be prepared for his return.

The only time a Narcissist finally leaves you alone is when he knows you have seen right through him and have exposed him for who he really is. If this has not happened yet and he believes he still has some kind of hold on you, he will return to you.

Narcissists feed off of attention. Adoration from others is what fuels them. It is like a drug to them and they are addicted to it. If a Narcissist can't get supply from anyone else, he will come back to us looking for it. They have no shame. Therefore, we must be prepared that at any moment, our Ex Narcissist will re-enter our life to try to win us back. When he does, he will employ a tactic known as the Hoover Maneuver.

According to the on-line Urban Dictionary, the definition of Hoovering is:

“Being manipulated back into a relationship with threats of suicide, self-harm, or threats of false criminal accusations. Relationship manipulation often associated with individuals suffering from personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

It is important to be mindful of this tactic so you can recognize it and not get sucked-in. The term Hoovering gets its name from the Hoover vacuum. The Narcissist uses all kinds of manipulative behavior to suck you back in to the relationship. He may threaten suicide saying that he can’t live without you. He purposefully plays on your good-naturedness to get you to feel sorry for him.

During this stage, the Narcissist reverts back to the courting behavior he exhibited in the beginning of your relationship in order to win you back. He acts loving, compassionate and supportive. He promises you everything you ever wanted and more. He acknowledges the error of his ways and promises to change.

Narcissists are very charming so the initial Hoovering stage is often quite successful. They are great actors. Not to mention, the Narcissist knows you well enough to know which buttons to push to get you to succumb to him.

Please know that the minute you take him back, he will revert to his old behavior. He is only coming back to you because he is incapable of being alone. He needs someone in his life to validate him at all times.

Anyone who has taken a Narcissist back can attest to the fact that he quickly reverts to his old behavior once he has you back under his control. I encourage anyone looking for proof of this to visit our on-line forum at www.allabouthim.com. There is not one story of someone taking a Narcissist back who changed for the better.

Every time you take a Narcissist back, you only end up hurting yourself and prolonging your pain. Narcissists are incapable of change. No Contact is the only way to go when breaking free.

Apr 9 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Yep

So glad it's helpful, ladies. Knowledge is power and can be truly liberating. You are never alone. We get it better than anyone. BruisedButterfly is right: "I need to go completely N.C. that is the only way i can get control back over my life and get over him." They have brainwashed us and the only way to break free is to establish No Contact and deprogram. Until we do this, we will always be under their spell. It's hard to accept that the man we fell in love with is not who we thought he was, but it is a necessary part of our recovery. Narcissists lead us to believe we have something we actually do not have, and we hold on to it. We think we have a relationship with an amazing person, when in reality we are living with an illusion that our relationship is special. The acting talent these personalities possess is astounding. They are brilliant con-artists and we must accept that the wonderful person we fell in love with NEVER existed. He hid behind a mask of smoke and mirrors in order to obtain control of us and manipulate us to meet his never-ending child-like needs. Once we learn to see the Narcissist for the person he really is, we are finally able to free ourselves. NOTHING stands between you and your true self, but the Narcissist in your life!
Jul 27 - 5AM (Reply to #11)
clover
clover's picture

My relationship with the N was not "special"

I think my main processing issue right now is that there is a part of me that doesn't want to accept that I really was not special to my N like he told me over and over. I know that this is the case. I now see all the manipulation, lies, superficiality, BS. It is true...I was not truly "special" to him. I need to accept that. He is a true N...he will never stop on his quest to find "idealized love" He throws people away after a time, because he objectifies people and when they turn out to be imperfect...which we all are he can't handle it and he will discard. He can't handle REAL relationships with ordinary conflict,imperfections and true committed love. His idealization of me in the beginning, although it felt good, was not rooted in reality. I was merely a player in his delusion that he had found a perfect love. I need to accept the fact that even though I was not truly special to him...I was not bamboozled and I am not somehow a stupid person who got played. I am in fact worthy of being truly special to someone. The fact is, I was just dealing with a disordered individual who put me in his never ending re-run that he creates and enacts for himself with one woman after another. Now that I know the signs to look for, this won't happen again. I doubt I'll get caught up with a N again. It could happen to anyone. It really could.
May 10 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
Mag
Mag's picture

Yep

I love this post, Lisa....now that I see my ex-husband for what he truly is, I feel so much better about myself...it's liberating...
Apr 7 - 6PM
brusiedbutterfly
brusiedbutterfly's picture

Great advice

That is exactly what i needed to hear to get me out of my stupor. I am going to do exactly what you said and ignore him. Then reply "you forced me to behave this way" LOL I love your advice and reading your comment made me feel better immediately, its comforting to know that i am not alone. I need to go completely N.C. that is the only way i can get control back over my life and get over him. Now i'm thinking when he does try to violate my wishes off leaving me alone - I can just go into asking him a million questions about us - that seems to drive him away everytime lol. Really, it's depressing but i need to pull myself out of this hole, no excuses. This site might be the support and push i needed all along to be able to finally tell him to "go f*$ yourself".
Apr 10 - 2AM (Reply to #7)
Journey
Journey's picture

Yes BB lol

Asking a million questions about your future with him will probably do it.... so will launching into a monologue about your feelings - they can't handle that either and unless they are really trying to get back into your favor by pretending they are their mask again, will find a way to quickly get off the phone. Perhaps another call will come in that he just must take. My N's favorite was "I can't really talk now cause my dinner is almost ready" or "I'm just heading to bed" So predictable. Though I don't recommend playing any games with a narc, they change the rules constantly and do whatever they have to in order to think they're winning.

Journey on...

Apr 8 - 4AM (Reply to #6)
carol24
carol24's picture

Glad I could help.

Glad I could help. Remember that there are many of us who understand exactly how difficult this is for you because of our own similar experiences and we're here to support you anytime. xxx
Apr 7 - 2PM
brusiedbutterfly
brusiedbutterfly's picture

Exactly what I went thru today

Hi everyone, My first time posting but long story short, the wonderful man i thought i fell in love with 5 years ago, is actually a Narcissist. I desperately wish I could fall out of love with him. I tried the No contact (blocking him from calling, texts, emails) but when he wants to contact me he jumps all over those hurdles and soon as i hear his voice, i fall right back into the hole. But anyway, we have been talking everyday for the past 2 weeks (after he found a way to get thru my blocks by using another phone number). The past 2 weeks he has been Prince Charming and today I asked him where does he see this going? DO we have a future together? or are we just friend? because you are sending me mixed signals. Of course, I knew that these were the wrong questions to ask b/c he wants to be in control and why settle down with me when he can come and go as he pleases. His responses were as follows: 1)We are doing just fine - lets take it day by day. 2)I dont want to talk about this now - I am busy. 3)Didnt i tell you i was busy?! 4)You dont respect me! I told you i dont want to answer those questions - why are you forcing me! 5)You know what - i dont see a future with you b/c you are a nag, you ask me a million questions, how could I be with someone who doesnt respect me when i tell them I dont have time to answer. 6) I didnt want to say that but you forced me on giving you that answer, so there, I dont see how we could ever be back together, are you happy now? Of course, my feelings were hurt and he went on attack mode. Not only am I hurt but now confused (does he mean it when he says we have no future or is he right about me forcing him to answer when he feels pressured?) I immediately started apologizing about bringing up our future. He then says "See we were doing great, until you ruined it with all your questions and now I dont know how i feel about you anymore." Another sting to my heart. Again I find myself apologizing. I ask "where do we go from here?" His reply "I told you i was busy!!! u are still asking me questions!" I now feel horrible and stupid - how can i get myself out of this mess???
Apr 9 - 2AM (Reply to #3)
paisley18
paisley18's picture

This is my first time posting

This is my first time posting on here, and I'll be honest - I am still in a state of denial that I have a narcissistic boyfriend. I have been dating him for almost three years and hate to think that the person I thought I knew so well is this monster inside. However, after reading your post I found it SCARY how much it sounds like my situation. My life is full of mixed signals that result in me questioning my own sanity because I am blamed for literally everything that my bf says or does, and of course for any problems that arise in our relationship. I attempted to have a "talk about the future" with him a few nights ago and it resulted in an angry lashout, leaving me hurt and confused. For a little background on why I brought this conversation up, my boyfriend practically lives with me (I have my own house and he stays at my place when he's not out of town for work - he has to travel some for his job), and I will be graduating from law school in a year. Naturally, I'm at the point in my life where I need some idea as to where I'm going. Especially since I will be looking for jobs and would take location into account if I have a ring on my finger... Anyhow, I casually asked him as we were sitting on the couch after dinner if he sees us having a future together and he just kinda said "yeah" really short, not looking away from the t.v. or showing any emotion in his voice or expression. I told him I had just been thinking about it a lot lately with career plans coming up (not to mention all of our friends getting married - kind of a hard topic to ignore). At this point I could sense him getting angry but I wasn't sure why.. suddenly he interrupted me mid-sentence and said "ENOUGH, DROP IT"... i look at him confused, attempting to explain why I had brought it up again (as if I really needed to justify anything), and he got even madder... cussing at me, "you have to go and ruin another night again by bringing up something stupid! just like you! NO i'm not thinking about buying a ring, and you know what? I'll think about it when I'M ready, and that won't be anytime soon!!! maybe you would have a ring on your finger if you weren't such a nag! this s*** right here is your problem - you're the problem in our relationship!"... that's the gist of it, along with other really hurtful things. This encounter resulted in me tearing up, and him responding with, "ooooh pooor baby, gonna go cry about it because she's not getting her way?? [with a smirk on his face] YEAAA I really want to marry you and come home to THIS every night!!" This is really long and drawn out, I know. But the point is I really related to your post, it's stuff like this all the time with us, followed by him being really nice to me and almost convincing me that he tries so hard but I just push him to talk to me the way he does and he "prays every day that i'll change..." HELP!! I'm going crazy...
Apr 10 - 2AM (Reply to #4)
truthwillsetmefree
truthwillsetmefree's picture

omg this is exactly what is happening to me

Everytime we have an argument, he starts saying mean things to me, I end up crying and then he starts making fun of me. He has no compassion. In the beginning he used to have but it slowly faded away without me even noticing it until now that I think about it. Then when I confront him about it he says its my fault he's turned like this, people like me make him act and become like that. Lately he is even saying I'm the worst girlfriend he has ever had, comparing me to his exes telling me that they were better, when I know its not true. When we started he used to tell me so muchhhh shit about his ex that I even beleived the girl was crazy. Now it sEems he has forgotten about all of that. When I suspect something he's lying about he says I'm crazy and I must find help. Anyhow,,its a long story I've been with him for 3 years and I reaLly want to leave him for good very soon. I've helped him with so much things, he is always angry, screaming at me when I just ask a stupid yes or no question. He says I bitch a lot, I look at men on the street ( I'm not even interested) he says he will leave me since I'm looking at men..he's so jealous and delusional he does not trust me at all. He's such a hypocriye He has profiles on the net with ONLY women..he spents hourssss looking at them, he even constantly talks about women. If it were me, he would tell me I'm a whore this and that..anyhow he NEVERR looks at his own behaviour, never ever.in the beginning he used to tell me he has a problem with anger, but now all of a sudden I'm the problem. The ONLY times he's said he's sorry is when he knows he needs me again for something. The worts part abput all of this is that it seems his family (borthers+mother) are like this. I don't know If narcissism is something that is genetic orso..but a few weeks ago I've heard his brother reject his girlfriend and it raised a red flag.
Apr 8 - 4AM (Reply to #1)
carol24
carol24's picture

Don't apologise to him.

Hi there, My answer is based on what I've learned from reading up about narcissism and from my own experience with a narcissist ex boyfriend. Narcissists are not capable of thinking about relationships long-term. They may well make comments to you without being asked such as saying that they want to "get engaged" or "move in together" but these ideas that they have are generally impulsive and usually don't come to fruition. (My narcissist ex boyfriend told me "I want to be engaged to you by Xmas". Xmas came and went but I did not get either the engagement ring or marriage propsal that he had encouraged me to look forward to. Of course, then I began to ask him why he had changed his mind and, like you, I could not get any answers out of him). Therefore, it's alright for them to make these comments to you, but if you start to ask questions about the future, they don't like it. One reason why they don't like it is that they like to be in control and do not like to be accountable to anybody. Answering your question means that he will then be expected to stick to a course of action and narcissists don't like that. They want to be free to do whatever they like. Remember that narcissists feel entitled to behave like this and don't feel the need to consider your feelings or needs (e.g. that you would quite like to know what's happening and where the relationship is going so that you know where you stand). He wants to be free to make impulsive decisions without being restricted by you and your needs, hence his irritated reaction. Another reason why they don't like being asked questions about the future of the relationship is because (sub-conciously) it reminds them that they are actually not capable of keeping a relationship going past the "honeymoon period". Deep down, he knows this is the case, therefore, asking him to answer these questions will, on some level, make him feel his inadequacy in not being capable of sustaining a relationship like most healthy minded people can. Again this explains why persistently asking him these questions leads to his annoyed and defensive reaction which involved him attacking you verbally (as we all know that if there is one thing a narcissist cannot bear, it is to feel that they are being criticised or to have their inadequacies exposed). So, in answer to your question, I would say that when he says you have "no future", he probably knows deep down that he has no future with any woman because he will never be able to sustain a relationship. The reason he has given you a very hurtful answer to your question and then said that you forced him into it is a) to stop you from asking him again (a way of controlling your behaviour) and b) a way of blaming you in order to take the spotlight away from his inadequacy by trying to make you feel bad about yourself (e.g. you are now blaming yourself for doing the wrong thing or, to use his words, being "a nag" - how dare he be so rude to you!). Wanting to know where you stand in a relationship is a perfectly reasonable expectation and does not mean that you are putting pressure on him. He is not thinking about the stress that he is putting you through by refusing to answer a perfectly reasonable question. My advice is this. Don't waste another second apologising to him for anything. You do not owe him an apology! (My narcissist ex boyfriend had me apologising for things all the time, usually just after he had been incredibly mean to me - they are experts at making us feel in the wrong). I would definately stop asking him to answer questions about the future of the relationship. Even if he were to answer them, I don't think you can rely on his answers anyhow. Remember that he is incapable of answering these questions and that is not your fault, it is his. I would reccomend giving him a taste of his own medicine: Ignore him until he contacts you - then tell him that you did think it was going well but he's ruined it by being nasty, so now you don't know how you feel about him anymore. Then ignore him. I think doing this might help you feel that you have regained some control back for yourself which will help you feel stronger. Ultimately, I would try and stay clear of him for good. Ignorong him might make him treat you better in the short-term, but Narcissists don't change, so my guess is that he will only keep hurting you in the long-run. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve so much better than what he has to offer you! Hope this helps. Stay strong. xxx
Apr 10 - 2AM (Reply to #2)
Journey
Journey's picture

Carol24

GREAT comment and spot on!

Journey on...