Feel kinda sad but also freer than before
Feel kinda sad but also freer than before
I've had a mildly frustrating time of it and I finally realised why - I've been thinking in terms of revenge. After all the shit he's put me through, I wanted to hurt him, to make him suffer, and I realise it's twisted my viewpoint a little.
I realised I've sometimes dropped some nasty little hints on the social site we both use about "someone" who "once upon a time" caused me a lot of pain, and that you need to be careful of such nasty, chameleon-like creatures who pull you in with fantasies only so they can consume you.
And I realised I want the other people there to hate him. I want them to drive him out and tell him what a cold, callous, heartless shit he is who doesn't belong in their midst. And I'll bet he knows that he is too.
And I realised in the end that, frankly, no-one is likely to care much (unless they become a victim, of course), and the more explicit my hinting gets, the more attention he gets. The more it looks like sour grapes. The more it looks like I'M the psycho who won't leave HIM alone.
Fortunely I havent named names or anything, or been particularly obvious.
On top of that he's recently posted a little "hero" tale, where he helped out some people...and it's scarily similar to a video someone posted showing how nice people can be. It's all a bit...well. Given this is someone who can lie and lie and lie, is it really true? There's no way to know. But even if it is true, I know it's just going to have been done for show, so it can boost his ego, or so he can brag about it later and show how "nice" he is. The odds it was genuinely selfless are pretty low. And even if it was - just because he was nice in public, it doesn't change the fact that he was abusive in private.
The point is, people may see that (although no-one seems to have fallen for it, interestingly) and think "what a nice guy" and that makes me want to scream. But then I remind myself that I also fell for this bullshit. How can I get pissed off with other people for the same thing? Is that fair? I saw the same crap from my father all through my childhood. He was nicer with strangers than his own damn family.
Combine all this with my therapy session at the weekend, and we eventually concluded that I've given the whole thing my best shot. I'd done all I could in the "relationship" such as it was, and done all I could to make him understand he was hurting me, then done all I could to try and educate him as to the consequences, and then done all I could to stop him causing me further pain.
I've done my best. Revenge won't help anything.
As the computer in War Games eventually said: The only way to win is not to play.
Happiness is the BEST revenge
Heh, a friend of mine has an
The Dark Lord
pretty peeved
That's a lovely way to
PP