What if the Mask Doesn't Come Off with the OW?

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Jul 6 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
bakingfortherapy
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strivingforhealing...

I was told after I found out about OW that he "knew where his heart was" he will "fix it" and an amazing slew of about 20 other excuses/lies..I am embarassed I know them by heart bc he used them so many times with me over and over. I wanted so badly to believe his lies and him. I wanted so badly for him not to "be bad". He worked very hard at making me feel like the more special one. And I felt so many times like I was going to get my boyfriend back..get back where we were... I wanted so badly for him to see the light, grow up, realize what we had..esp after 8 1/2 great yrs together.... I wanted him to "pick me" so badly... BUT me being more or less special than OW still had me in an unhealthy crappy love triangle. You never know how special he is making her feel, what he is saying to her. I do think he LOVED it all, was in heaven manipulating two women, "cake and eat it to" my friends said to me over and over... I have come to the conclusion that mine just IS NOT capable of a long term healthy relationship. We lasted a long time in a healthy way bc it was working for him in some way. Using people, stringing them along, playing with their heads and their hearts is not right!
Jul 6 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
Gullable1
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Cake and eat

I know that feeling! I have never visited a site like this ever, everything I read runs chills. I have spent so many years beliving if I were only... Fitter, more complacent, mores generous, blonder... Better... My narc would love me. And me only! I believe these people, (narcs) lure us us in with such dynamics never before experienced, we looses our senses? Like heroine, the addiction and equporhia experiences is like nothing a sensible woman ever has defenses for. You can't be blamed. You lost in a game never designed for you to win. My narc cheated constantly, he would blame me, I believed I caused the indiscretion, I would harbor horrid guilt? I have a phd, and a lucrative law (well had). Still not mentally trained to combat the narc? My last employer sent me to counseling...a therapist kept telling me I was in an abusive relationship. What did I take from this?... I was the abuser for not making my narc happy and giving him what he "needs" Be strong, I'm sure the fog passes....someday
Jul 5 - 6PM
SoaperGirl
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What if the Mask Doesn't Come Off with the OW?

I've wondered along similar lines. I only saw his idealization stage with my narc's OW. She's got lots of $$$$, a lucrative business, expensive land and home, and one of the first things he did was gush about all the things she could do for him! It was ALL about him! He didn't say a word about having any thoughts or concerns for the OW's feelings, needs, desires. Those things were completely off his radar. IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM! His wants, needs, desires and what all she could do for him! He put a lot of time and energy in hooking her good, and from the looks of her, she took the bait completely. Her lights were on, but nobody was home! He also bragged about having her under his complete control, that she would believe whatever he told her. Given how "bullet-train" fast he paced the "luring" stage, and from what I've read, it may very well be that he'll move her along as fast as possible to obtain her money, property and any other assets he can get his hands on. It was obvious he couldn't care less about that poor woman. No way did he love her, of that I'm sure of. Then he'll boot her to the curb even quicker than he did me who had only myself to give, and he'll be even uglier and crueler when it comes to devalue and discard time with her! That's JMO. If anybody has a more experienced take, I'd love to hear it! In think in my case, he's gonna give her Hell, and she'll end up even more broken sooner than I did! I don't envy her that!
Jul 6 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
Gullable1
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Money and the narc

I started out as my narcs ow! I heard I was a soul mate, and the woman of his dreams. .feel for that hook line and sinker. No amount of money makes a narc happy , and they eventually turn their anger on the provider. It's my fault material things didn't make the narc happy. Heres how that goes down: "Now If you really want to make me happy.... A newer Mercedes would certainly bring a smile to me? You have so much money, I have nothing? I'm starting to think your just not vested here. I already told my mom, you don't want my mom to think your stingy?" Now I'm broke, jobless.
Jul 6 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Narcs and Money - Thank you Gullible

I read your story, and it was heartbreaking reading. I admit it, for the past few months, I've been kind of jealous of my narc's OW having so much money to blow on him, a lucrative successful business, and an expensive house and property....how in the world could I a poor woman compete even if I wanted to with such a set-up? Your story makes me realse when it comes to narcs, even having tons of money is no buffer against being played, used and abused. I'm so sorry. I guess even though it's small comfort to me, I know was I never valued for any financial support I could offer (which I couldn't!) - I only had myself and my body. He said I pulled him out of his grief when he lost his wife to cancer. All this just goes to show, no matter who you are or what you have - none of it would ever be enough to keep a narc! Just me, and you can say I don't know what I'm talking about, but at this point, I'd cut that bastard competely out of my life. He's already destroyed your career, reputation, bank accounts. I don't see where you have that much to lose. I'd throw the fear of god into him - but that's just me. I'm sorry for what you went through!
Jul 5 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
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To Mordor and Back

The final D&D for me was so horrific, I wouldn't wish it on anyone... even the ex-Psych prof's girlfriend. The thought of her going through the emotional Hell I suffered made me literally sick. One of my friends said during the final D&D "past behavior predicts future behavior." I didn't want the ex-P's girlfriend to SUFFER. That's why I secretly wished she was a Narc. Her feelings would be shallow;for her, it would be like waves in a kiddie pool rather than a tsunami. If I had seen her suffering as I had, I wouldn't have clapped my hands in glee. I think that's why I left Santa Fe 11 years ago. If I had stayed, I would've seen all the drama;it would've pained me. I'm glad I now know ZERO about the ex-P's personal life (thank God he's too paranoid to use Facebook/MySpace) The ex-P's girlfriend was, in a sense, D&D'd worse than I was... he got her pregnant, he married her. In the sick eyes of an N/P, it means you're their possession. She was in it for herself as well.. she had NO problem with his alcoholism, his junk food habit, she thought she was marrying some hot shot philosopher. She was a curator. She might not have even been remotely interested in him... one of the BIG rumors on campus was that she was a lesbian, that he was gay anyhow, that they were in it for the sake of image. When I saw the both of them together, the ex-P's girlfriend didn't seem interested in him. Zero physical affection. She didn't act like a woman who was head over heels in love (whereas I did) She might not have gotten punished for being in love with him.... Ns/Ps love humiliating women who love them, especially in public... because she WASN'T in love with him.
Jul 5 - 5PM
Redhead1
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Most outsiders who really

Most outsiders who really didnt know me and the narc thought we had a great marriage. I never complained except to my close girlfriends, so when the final show started they were all shocked. Most everyone he has worked with knew who he was, had seen him running around chasing ass screaming see me, see me! If you were miserable, you can bet she will be too.
Jul 5 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
bakingfortherapy
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I agree

I agree. Most people in my town thought we were the perfect couple. He always said "we lit up the room" looking back he probably wanted the attention. Then he proceeded certain restaurants for me other ones for her. And many people saw. I was in the dark and she knew and was trying to "win". Good energy and healing for me and karma for her!
Jul 5 - 5PM
bakingfortherapy
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Amen!!

Great wise words!!! I almost believe the healthy self!! But this gives me strength to believe it!